Tunafish is gross

its been a while

2010-10-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

Almost went through the entire month of October without a post.

Dear Lord, please continue to teach me, mold me, tear me up and make me the way you want me to be. I don't want to get complacent and I don't want to get lazy. I can feel it...settling back into the comfort zone of complacency. Please! Be with me and push me out of my comfort zone. Teach me to be patient, kind, and faithful.

The good part is that I'm not having those freak out moments of desperation where all I want to do is run backwards to the familiarity of things that I know. I still have sad moments where I think back to the broken relationships. But somehow I think the two are blended in a little bit better now. peter and jim. both very much ex-boyfriends. that i can talk about without wanting to burst into tears. think very holistically and realistically about. I like that.

Just a few days ago, I thought back to junior year spring break. Emerald Isle beach house with about 8-10 people I think. It was warm, we were by the beach, plenty of food, drinks, lots of rooms to play in. And yet I was incredibly unhappy that entire trip. I was miserable. All I wanted to do was mope in a room. I wanted peter to hangout with me. To spend all his time with me in our room and neglect his friends. That was the problem. His friends. I didn't see them as mine. And I didn't feel the same obligation or desire to invest my time in their lives. It all made sense. It was like a light bulb that went on. He was hosting, he wanted to show them a good time, he'd be willing to stay up all night with them just to make sure they were happy. Because he loved them. I'd do the same thing if it were my friends and my beach house and I was the host. I was incredibly needy and clingy. mistakes. I never understood what happened there until a few days ago.

funny how memories like that sort itself out though. i have faith that God has a plan, and in time I will learn all the things that I need to in order to be a good girlfriend and eventually a good wife and then a good mother. it just takes time. I need to be patient and have faith. I also need to be able step back and sometimes it is incredibly painful to grow and learn.

take this weekend for example. i had invited a friend to fly down to Atlanta. I flew her down instead of flying back to baltimore for the weekend. somehow I thought she owed me something for flying her down, and when she didn't seem grateful about it, I was annoyed. I was annoyed with how dependent and sourly she was the entire weekend. I guess its ugly when you see someone in a certain light that you had never noticed before. It sucks because I was so willing to see past all of her imperfections before. But then all of the sudden, I just couldn't get past it. Was it because I had better now?

Did I somehow think that I had better friends? Maybe. That's an unfair comparison. But I felt slighted. and i felt like she took me for granted. all the effort that I put in didn't amount to much and she blamed me for not doing enough. I wanted to scream back and say that she wasn't half the friend that I was to her! What is wrong with me? How could I think that? I just kept picking up all the little annoyances. Every small thing that she didn't do, didn't pick up after herself, or ate without saying thank you, cooked her own apples without offering any to anyone else. Small small things, I picked up on all of it. It made me ugly. It made me feel disgusting. I wanted to stop, I couldn't.

I prayed so hard on the last night to just let go. For God's grace and forgiveness. For me to be forgiven for my sins. And for me to stop being so judgemental and mean.

I honestly felt like I couldn't handle it. I wanted to give up. essentially break up with my friend. haha, who does that? it's not like a romantic relationship where you say, i'm sorry this isn't working out, let's stop dating. you don't typically say that to friends. but i honestly wanted to. it was messed up. that's exactly how I'd feel with jim. that sense of uncontrollable anger, disappointment, hopelessness, and need to give up. unwilling to just let go. i felt slighted. but so much more intensely than a slight. major slightedness. i felt cheated out of what I deserved. i thought I deserved better because of all the investment, effort, commitment, love, prayers, etc...that I put into it. both with the friend and with the relationship with jim. i wanted retribution.

that whole process was very telling. I'm glad God put me through it. Because I realized it was me. it was me all along. i want to be able to handle those situations better in the future whether it's with a friend, boyfriend, or soulmate/lover/husband. eventually it's one of those obstacles that I will have to face over and over again, and I will master it!

I will learn to take disappointment and let downs. And i will learn to accept other people's imperfections. and I will be gentle and meek with it. I will be a simple girl who can see past those things. and still love that person.

One thing I did learn is that sometimes you don't always like the people that you love. And that has to be OK. It has to be something that I need to accept. I might not always like the things they do, say, or think. It doesn't mean I can just break up with them and say sorry this isn't going to work out. And give up on them. I need to work through it with faith! and patience. and not let go. in that moment, it's so easy to throw in the towel. and I sure as heck throw in the towel a lot. I throw it and then try to pick it up immediately and then act as though I didn't throw it in the first place. but it's too late by then. once you throw it, it's really hard to erase the memory of it.

thank you Lord for teaching me that lesson. it is a valuable one. Amen

2010-09-29T18:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Lord, thank you for being with me. I am looking for your heart. I want to love you, truly. Please continue to mold me, test me, teach me, love me, and guide me. I want to be your child and I want to listen to you completely. Please teach me to never lose faith in you. And never give up. Even when I want to, and even when things seem impossible, please be with me. There is a part of me that is still torn up and sad and lonely. But I know I’ll make it through if you stay close. So please do. Lord, I ask that you help me establish a good work ethic and not be lazy. Teach me to stay in it and never give up. But not even just not give up, please teach me to embrace life and enjoy it.

so where am i now?

2010-09-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

I think I've caught insominia. And a bit of a cold.

Never had a problem with sleep before. But I haven't slept through the night for 3 days now. I think the stress of life has finally caught up with me. The last week or so, my sleep has gotten to be so counterproductive that my subconscious is now just rejecting it altogether. I sleep with only rem sleep and full cognition of all my dreams and thoughts. I constantly do math problems, re-play gmat questions, and have imaginary conversations with my ex-boyfriend. So now my subconscious has just refused to go into that vicious tortuous cycle. I like doing math problems and gmat verbal questions while I'm awake. It's much more productive and rewarding. And the conversations with jim? I guess I'm just avoiding those altogether. But at some point, I will need to sleep.

Next week I hear about the GSAP sponsorship, and after everything that happened there is a great likelihood that I will not receive the sponsorship. As much as I am emotionally preparing or prepared for the worst of it, it will still be an incredible blow to my ego and a slap in the face for the work that I've done in the last two years. It will be humbling. And I'll feel hurt. I'll tell myself that it's a blessing in disguise and again, surrender my will to God and ask that His will be done. But it will still sting. Like a female dog.

Then there's of course the GMAT. In less than two weeks now. I was never good at standardized testing. It's time to own up to that fact. I think I've been in denial for most of my life. But history has shown: SAT, MCAT, GMAT. They rhyme with "things you suck at". I know.

After that it's onwards to conquering the business school application essays. And the tricky thing about essays is that they are looking for emotional maturity, ability to understand one's strengths and weaknesses, and your future outlook and career goals. I wish I could be completely honest with the admissions directors and say, I'm actually really immature, especially emotionally. I suck at building meaningful relationships, and have failed at some of the most meaningful and significant relationships in my life. I am also not very good at knowing what I want in life. I change how I feel about it constantly. And the only constant that I have is that fact that I can change.

I recently cleaned out my room and saw a letter I wrote to myself in 8th grade about my goals in life: I wanted to go to Stanford University and Johns Hopkins Medical School. Neither of those things happened. Yet.

I am applying to Stanford for business school. So maybe we'll get to that and then one day when I'm 30 I'll go and become a doctor. That thought actually crossed my mind. Seriously. But not the right time to think about this.

I only recently admitted to this fact, but to all those people, which are a lot of my really close friends, in medical school - I am incredibly jealous that you get to study medicine. I ask about it and make people tell me about everything they learn in med school not just because I want to seem considerate and learn about their lives. I actually live vicariously through them. Secretly wishing that I could learn about those things and be in school to be a doctor. I guess I just never wanted it bad enough. There hasn't been anything in my life that I wanted all that badly. No person, no job, career, knowledge, life, nothing.

That's going to change. And change is what I'm good at. I will have passions. And I will define them and go after them relentlessly and never give up. When I find it. When I find my person I will make sure to hold on tight, pursue him, and not let him go. And when I find my profession, my talent, my calling, and my purpose - all in one - I will pursue it with the utmost passion and never let that go.

Maybe I'm just a little slower than others. But at least I know now. Thank you God. I love you. Please grant me some restful sleep though. I miss it.

one step forward two steps back

2010-08-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I was past the worst of it but God's plan is so mysterious. This weekend was brutal. I sort of expected to have some sort of reverse cultural shock and encounter tough times when returning home. But there were just so many reminders and temptations that made me move backwards. All I wanted to do was call jim this weekend. It was really tough because there were quite a few close calls. I must've typed at least five different text messages on my phone ready to send and then was able to finally hold off on it.

I don't think it's such a good idea to write to him anymore. I started this journal where I would write to him different thoughts and experiences that I was going through. But it's actually pulling me closer to him and I need to move away...

This weekend was such a struggle because I was supposed to take a small step forward. Or so I hoped. There was the opportunity to meet my email friend that I met on the dating website. But I totally chickened out on Saturday afternoon and decided to just lay by the pool and hangout with my parents, and then spent the entire evening sitting in Barnes & Noble just reading everything and anything. Then Sunday, I went to church, didn't love it immediately. But I was crying during the worship and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I almost drove to Jim's house on Sunday afternoon. It was one of those crazy uncontrollable moments. That could've turned out to be a total disaster. Probably a similar repeat of post breakup fight with peter on Easter Sunday 2008. I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster and all I wanted to do was to talk to him, show up at his front door and see him. Say something to make this pain go away. To stop this whole process of moving on. I think that's exactly how I felt last time when I showed up at peter's front door on easter sunday morning, very early in the morning, saw him with a new girl (name I won't mention), but flipped out. I knew I was starting to move on, and I sort of felt myself moving on and I don't really remember all the dates, but it was just around the time when jim and i started seeing each other. i knew i was moving on...but somehow I wanted to cling to the familiar and say to peter...i'm really about to move on now, aren't you going to stop me???

I guess that's sort of what I was feeling on Sunday. But, luckily!! I didn't show up at jim's front door step. I should say, thanks to God's grace. I couldn't have done it alone at all. I am SO weak. If I relied on my own free will and my own stubbornness, then I would've created a fiasco and left things irreparably damaged with jim and probably his entire family.

But instead I just drove to Philadelphia and walked around fiercely. It gave me two giant blisters on my right foot. But I got to let go of that nervous energy. Later that afternoon I was able to talk to seun, which was so comforting. I sat there in my car and cried for a while. This was the worst sob session with another person that I've had in this whole breakup with jim. im surprised. because I honestly thought I was past this whole pathetic sit there and blow snot in my skirt thing.

After that, I collected myself put some water on my face and went to meet jeff for the first time at starbucks. we sat there till from 6:45pm till almost 10:30PM. it was a great talk. i didn't cry or bring up jim's name at all. we talked a lot about our personal and spiritual struggles, and were able to relate a lot on family issues. I'm happy that I didn't totally blow that interaction. It wasn't awkward at all, and I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I wouldn't say that I'm moving on, because I'm not ready to move on. I'm ok with being where I am right now. Which is that I'm grieving and getting over a boy and falling out of love. I don't need to rush it, there's no timeline.

moving forward

2010-07-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm scared. A little bit. I'm learning and healing...but I'm NOT READY!!! And I think God knows that, so I'm just going to pray that He knows what's best and trust in Him to know what to do.

The worst way to get over a boy is to fall into the arms of another. That goes for getting over girls too. I've never done it before, and I'd HATE to start now. I can't exactly expect to lock myself in a closet until I'm completely over jim, and I can't sit here avoiding all new experiences because I'm afraid of moving on. Don't worry I'm not doing that. But I can't help feeling like something in my equilibrium is shifting. I met a person who I really like...as a person.

He's given me hope in the Lord to know that there's nothing wrong with wanting something good. Not too long ago, I remember hearing about a couple where the girl loves the guy because he pushes her to love the Lord. What a remarkable concept! I asked myself, "How come I've never dated a guy that pushes me to want to love the Lord more?? That would be amazing!" Ever since that moment, I've secretly prayed and wanted that so badly. But somehow, I never imagined it being possible. Because no matter how much I demanded or hoped or wanted for a relationship to push me towards something good, it's never really happened to me before.

And then recently, I met someone that believes in that too! Someone who's "goal in life is to obey God's leading in everything he does, regardless of the cost and his own desires". "This means discerning His will step by step, not assuming more than He's revealed, diligently planning but holding loosely to my plans. Obviously this is a lofty goal, and I fail at it every day, but that's what I strive to do. I hope that's your goal as well."

We've been emailing back and forth and it just so happens that he lives really close to where my parents live. I mentioned wanting to find a church to attend while I am going to be living at home in the next few months to study for the GMAT, visiting schools, and applying to school. So given that my return is imminent, he recommended that we set some expectations given the nature of how we met. And he was plain and honest about his intentions.

And then he said something even more remarkable and a completely novel concept to me:

"In relationships (and friendships with women as well) this means it's my role to guard the woman's heart so that her heart and emotions are wrapped up in God and not in any hope for the future with me. If I can't guarantee something will happen (and obviously since I don't know the future, I can't), then I don't want her to expect it and then be let down later. She might be expecting it or placing excessive hope in a possible romantic future by my leading her on either through active flirting or passive ambiguous or lack of communication of intentions. This of course can lead to heartbreak and an emotional distraught state (subsequently requiring time to heal) if it doesn't come to fruition... which it often doesn't. I've been on the wrong end of this. If you want to take the Gospel to this, it happens because hope is placed in something other than Christ - a man or a woman - and that person cannot be God and always come through. Also, we can't predict the future."

In a way, it's sort of funny and every time I read it I chuckle to myself a little bit because it's very chivalrous I suppose. It's a little bit presumptuous and yet, it's incredibly new. I don't know exactly how I feel about it yet, but I've never had anyone tell me that they want to protect my heart. Even if it's that they want to protect all women's hearts. But in particular, some guy doesn't want me liking him because he doesn't know if that's what God wants. I feel like in our society, everyone is dying to get noticed, dying to be loved, dying to find someone to love, and in the case of romance, the more the merrier, and its better to date as many people as you can to figure out what you like and who your compatible with. Most people don't take into the consideration of God's plans or His will. A lot of relationships and marriages are built on this vague concept of "compatibility." When in fact at some point or another, most couples will feel very compatible or incompatible depending on circumstances, location, emotions, influences...the list goes on. We are constantly struggling to find ourselves and be compatible with our own values, how could anyone be expected to be a stable compatible person with someone else? Now of course, a lot of people manage to cope or thrive on these changes in circumstances and remain true to themselves. But I honestly believe that it is almost impossible without a strong belief system and God Himself.

Then there was his whole philosophy on what God give and takes away:
"What He has yet to give, don't assume He will or try to figure it out. What He doesn't give, trust that He knows your needs better than you do. What He takes away was necessary to give something better." Interesting huh?

Finally his opinions on dating was something very well put: "The purpose of dating is to determine marital compatibility. For me, this means three conditions: 1) the man is ready, 2) the woman is ready, 3) the man and woman are compatible" Simple and to the point. No wishy washy dating helps you discover who you are, gives you a chance to be in love, enables you to be really happy with another person...

In a way, I feel a little bit guilty talking to him even though all of this is so great to hear and witness, because I feel like I have the capacity to ruin people. I'm afraid that I'm not healed enough to even know what the right thing to do is, and I wish that I was stronger in my faith to say that I totally believe in those things.

I'm also noticing how lofty I am. At first I was relieved to hear that he didn't expect anything from me. I thanked God for bringing someone so wise and good into my life to be an example. "A light and salt." I'm really grateful that God is giving me real examples of what I've been missing out on. Showing me how different my life could be, and helping me solidify my own beliefs on dating, marriage, faith, and the Gospel.

But then how quickly the heart falls away and how easily tempted we are. I started to feel a sense of insecurity and negative feelings toward what he was saying. A little nagging voice said, "Look, he just doesn't like you and he's trying to be polite by saying don't expect too much. You always fantasize about more than there really is, and you'll never be happy. You've already set up expectations in your mind, don't deny it! You'd be a fool to think that someone that good would actually give you a chance, you're broken and sad. You're 'used goods'!!" I had to literally, yell back SHUT UP! Leave me alone. You have nothing on me. The Lord is my Lord, and I will not be afraid of you. I am brave and I am strong because the Lord is on my side!

I really don't want to make the same mistakes this time!! I'm getting good at breaking up, especially with the extra practice lately. But I'm terrified and really bad at starting anew. I feel like the whole start of my 'relationship' (which was NOT a relationship at all) with jim was a total failure. We used the euphemism that I picked up after hearing Julia say that jim told her we were 'seeing' each other to cover up the lack of purpose, responsibility, and commitment. We wanted to make it a class above "oh we're just hooking up" to seem like respectable college seniors about to graduate.

And yet to this day, it still remains one of the happiest times that I've ever spent with a boy. Because it was easy and fun. It was 'light and airy' I'd say. No responsibilities, no commitments, just a lot of good times, being attracted to each other, most of it was physical, some of the emotional stuff grew later on, but definitely not an eyes wide open relationship. Like they say, It was so wrong and yet it felt so good.

Ugh, it makes me so sick thinking about it. That is not how I was meant to live!!

Something lightish/airy

2010-07-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it appears that I am quickly on my way to writing a book, can you tell? I feel like there are just too many thoughts swimming around in my head. Spinning and building on each other like electrons bouncing off of one another to produce electromagnetic energy! hahhaha..is that even the right word?? But nevertheless, I am grateful and smiling that these thoughts come and go, and I seem to have picked up some vague sense of direction and purpose through all this.

I wish I could say it's no big deal, I'm just some silly 24 year old girl who still has tons to learn about relationships, love, life, purpose, God, and whatever else that I dont know that I don't know about. Which by the way, is very much true. But as I am, I take things way too seriously sometimes that needn't be so serious and don't take other things as seriously as I should. This is all again quite vague and useless. But still comforting to say aloud. And write in a blog, I suppose.

Can I just say I'm totally overdramatizing a lot of my emotions because of this book I'm reading? Eat, pray, love. This woman in her mid-thirties, goes through a divorce and then a devastating end to a relationship, is broken and in pieces. She writes about her journey to find herself and learns how to love. I am NOT that woman, and I am NOT going to pretend that I am some broken soul who has lost her way in a midlife crisis bound to suffer through an entire year of pain and sorrow to pull herself out of a deep depression. This is stupid. Yes, I'm sad and lonely at times. Woopdeedoo, of course I'd get sad and lonely. It's because I'm in the freakin' middle of nowhere Germany with barely anyone that I know. No friends nearby, only people who speak broken English. Didn't have air conditioning for the first month and a half, and it's the middle of summer with almost 100 degree weather now. I work long hours with a team that's predominately male, married, not very attractive, not very endearing, and sometimes hard to relate to people. I didn't just lose the one true love of my life, the only person I ever loved, a person I gave myself to, and broke my heart into pieces. That's not how it happened, and I need to start focusing on the reality of the situation. I stopped loving him a while ago. That ended for good. I was more in love with the idea that someone somehow wanted to spend his life with me. It was amusing to me, I was curious, I let it carry on for way too long.

Yes, I made some mistakes. They weren't pretty. I acted in ways that I can only hope to not act with someone that I love and cherish dearly. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. But hey, you know what, people make mistakes. Some people make them twice in a row. Even many times in row. Some people are too stupid to realize that they don't know what they want even though they claim to know what they want. Some people come crawling back and begging for another chance, only to get it and then somehow change their minds. But you know what? I'm gonna let that slide. Honestly I am. Because in the end, it all really just doesn't matter.

What happened happened. Can't change the past. What other bad euphemisms and cliches can I throw into this mix? Sorry. Need to...Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a man now, and in your dream its time to do the best you can now. (Random, but great Gym Class Hero song)

I'd like to pray - hope - trust - and invest effort - into being a good person. To some day be kind, patient, not boastful, not envious, not easily angered, ever faithful, ever true, ever forgiving, and ever hopeful - when I am spending it with the person that I am meant to love forever. I'd like to be this eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, everlasting rock of support and foundation, and always capable to giving my heart and soul to that person. I can only hope and pray!! right now at least. But I do want that! I do, Lord, do you hear me?? I want to be that person. I also want a family. With kids. Lots of kids. Ok, maybe just however many kids you think I can handle God. But I'd like to be a mother some day. Yes. That's settled.

I love thinking about that. Because I'm still young, very much passionate and determined. I know that God will mold me into that if I really trust in Him. I just know it! I can't speed up the process by saying fast forward 10 years please. I can't read into my future and see who I end up with. I can't sit back, relax and just wait till that person shows up on my front door step. I don't have a front doorstep right now anyway, so that wouldn't work. I have to be willing to grow into a person that's deserving of that awesomely cool guy who will push me to love the Lord and see through my insecurities (at times, because let's be honest, I'll always have some insecurities, maybe not as many as I do now, but they'll always be there). I hope that person will be willing to stick it out till the end. Who won't give up on me so easily. But also, I really have to step up and be willing to follow through on my end as well. No more of this whining needy crap when I starting falling for someone. I read somewhere that people get that way when it's an infatuation, not love, built on a shaky foundation that lacks trust and a common mutual goal or a serious future. Hmm...that sounds about right.

I will inevitably have to train myself to see past the immediate present circumstances or whatever else that's bothering me, making me irritable, irrational, crazy and inconsolable. Learn to deal with it. And then move on. Not drag it out like a dead horse, and suck all the love, or whatever you want to call it, from the other person so that they don't even recognize you anymore. I'm sure I wouldn't recognize myself and would be utterly embarrassed if someone video taped or recorded everything I said and did in those moments.

But here's the thing. I'm going to get back that confidence like I always do. And I'm going to be that happy, independent, self-reliant, go-lucky person again real soon. And the tricky part is to not let myself assume that I'm cured. I need to NOT let myself just slip right back into my old ways, find some guy, fall in love, do happy things together, go camping, play at the beach, run around like teenagers and have no responsibilities. And God forbid, if jim changes his mind again, that boy would be him again. I know it could happen, because jim is the perfect boy/best friend for my imaginary teenage love affair. Also, because I'm not holding a grudge. I'm really terrible at holding grudges and I pride myself on forgiving others easily. Myself - not so much. But I'm really trying hard to forgive him for all of it, clean slate, no blame game, no ill-will harboured here, nothing. letting go of the bad karma between me and his family, accepting them entirely for who they are, if our pathes should cross only happy thoughts and positive acts toward them. Getting all of the smart sarcastic comments outa my system. For good. If I should see him, again, only happy thoughts and wishing him all the blessings in the world. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. soon perhaps.

I send him a prayer / a blessing every time I miss him, and surprisingly also every time I get angry/sad/upset/furious. It's the same response: Lord please bless jim and help him through this tough time, be with him and show him that You are full of Grace. help him find peace and happiness. keep him whole, keep him strong, and keep him away from me.

that's it.

Did I mention, I just really don't want to make the same mistakes again? I'd hate for history to keep repeating itself.

2010-07-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

why do i feel so sad this time around? has it been much easier for you? if so, then the world is always balanced I suppose. last time when we broke up, it was a lot easier for me to move on. but now this time, the balance has shifted. and it feels nearly impossible!

July 11 Hanover sstruggles

2010-07-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, these past couple of days have taken a huge toll on me. I feel like I've climbed through this narrow hole through meandering pipes and still have yet to see the light fully.

I think it's supposed to be some type of metaphor: my glasses broke last weekend while I was in Paris, and I was waiting on another pair from my parents this whole week. It never came. At work, I was reduced to seeing about a foot in front of me and had to hunch over my computer so much that it caused me unbearable neck and shoulder pain which was further exacerbated by the lousy excuse for pillows at the Best Western in Langenhagen. My manager and I complained endlessly this entire week because it was over 95 degrees (around 37*C) the entire week and the hotel didn't have a bit of AC. The room that I stayed in was tiny and basically a greenhouse without plants throughout the entire day.

Finally, the weekend came and I was still blind. It made things rather difficult throughout the day because walking through 95 degree heat, barely seeing what's around you and then returning to a sauna for a hotel just seemed like hell on earth. Literally.

Finally, we switched a fancier hotel in Hanover, which blasts AC till I'm frozen. It feels great. I slept till almost 10:30AM on Saturday. Then took another nap Saturday afternoon around 3PM. I was starting to think that I'm depressed. It did certainly feel that way yesterday. I barely got myself around Hanover to see a few things, have lunch, and then read a lot. I read my new found obsession book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Liz I've come to know her as. Then I read some books about German culture, then some stuff about Stuttgart, and then, I finally finished The Little Prince. That's when I hit depression mode and went to sleep in the afternoon.

Later that night, I tried to go to sleep again, but couldn't. Naturally because I had been sleeping so much. But I was achy, tired, and just wanted to sleep more. There was a "festival" going on outside with loud American music blasting outside my window. I considered moving rooms but then thought maybe a nice bubble bath would help. I tried everything to tire myself out. But my mind just kept racing. I remember feeling this way a lot during the summers a year ago, when I just couldn't sleep, I'd roll around in bed, and become antsy and miserable. But I guess I'm lucky that I'm all alone and can't exactly torment anyone else near me. I instantly felt bad when it occurred to me that this is just something that I do, I go through these phases of nervous energy, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and it's often inexplicable. But if I happen to be near someone that loves me, I'll often attribute it to them and something lacking between us. Anyway, I felt guilty. And then I felt sad. And then of course, I wanted to make amends. I wanted to somehow make up for all the wrongs that I've ever done.

I think I prayed a lot last night. I asked God to heal me, I also asked God to teach me to love and be loved. I prayed deliberately for the ability to truly love someone and be loved by someone. I asked for the ability to forgive myself and for grace. I wanted to move on, but to learn something from this experience. I wanted to trust in Him but also work on not making the same mistakes in the future. On one hand, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance, for things to be OK again, for something to be resolved. I wanted to ask jim for forgiveness for everything that I did, and I wanted us to come to some type of common understanding for why things ended the way they did, for us to end on good terms like we did last time, and for us to be on talking terms. But then I knew that it wasn't in the cards for us this time around. I knew that I needed to trust in God to know what's best, and right now it meant just letting it go. Being able to forgive myself without receiving forgiveness from jim.

Finally around 2am or so, after a long bubble bath, a room change, several more conversations with God, I fell asleep. Sometime during the night, I had a dream. In my dream, I think I was at jim's apartment or at his house somewhere. We were talking, and I think we reached an agreement to give it another chance, for us to redo all of the wrongs and make them right. He asked me to stay over, I said that I really wanted to, but the right thing to do would be for us to take it slow and for me to go home. I'd see him in a few days I'm sure. I could feel how hard it was for me to leave, and it tore me up from the inside, but in the end I left and it felt really good to leave knowing that I did the right thing.

I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up! I hated that dream. I hated the fact that there was still a part of me that wanted to get back together with him. I hated admitting that. I hated that after my extensive conversations, prayers, meditations, waiting and listening to God, I still fell victim to my weaknesses and had a dream like that. What was I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to get past this if my subconscious still really wanted to get back together with him?? Why is God letting this happen?? I just don't get it!!

I got out of bed, it was 11:40AM already. I said to myself: That's it, it's confirmed I'm depressed. Nobody sleeps this much. I took a deep breath, and something in me stirred. I am not admitting defeat! No, I don't care what happened last night or the night before, I'm moving forward. Determined.

I went and found my favorite place to sit, ordered an extra large cafe au lait and got the apple pie instead of the usual croissant. Apple pie is more of a comfort food. I'm going to treat myself extra nice today.

And then it occurred to me, what was so wrong about my dream after all? I did a really good thing in it. I left, I demonstrated the ability to have self-control and was patient. Isn't that how I wished I could've acted? God's giving me the chance to practice in my dreams! It doesn't mean that I'm destined to go back to him or that I desperately want to get back together; maybe all it meant was that I got to do a replay in my mind and it was supposed to build some confidence in me for the future. I liked that.

I have to admit I will continue to struggle with this idea of destiny and free will. I probably will struggle with it for life, and that's OK too. I read today that destiny is a relationship - of divine grace and willful self-effort. It is the act of trusting in God's will but also exerting free will. The two are undoubtedly contradictory yet magnificent.

I also had another moment of grace today, when I found something beautiful that I am currently experiencing and will one day tell my daughter. "Some day you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it...in a place of worship surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it."

I do plan to savour every bit of this grieving time. Not only because it's so heart wrenching but because I intend to train my appetite to distinguish every subtle complexity of these emotions.

Finally, one note about soulmates:

People think a soulmate is a perfect fit, but a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. They tear down your walls and smack you awake. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. It'd be too hard to live with a soulmate forever. They break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, and then introduce (or reacquaint) you to your maker...
That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.

July 8 Hanover

2010-07-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been that long since my last entry. But I'm dying. There's something incredibly sucky about Thursdays for me. Especially in the field of consulting, Thursdays are the equivalent of Fridays in regular people's lives, but it usually has more significance. Because on Thursdays, consultants get to leave work early, catch a ride to the airport and fly home to their families! Or friends, and see loved ones, pets, look forward to sleeping in their beds, something familiar and comfortable. It is also the day that basically transitions from work away from life back into regular life. It is the afternoon/evening at the airport where consultants think about how they want to spend their weekends, what types of "normal" responsibilities they may have; it's when mundane tasks like cooking, laundry, mowing the lawn, and making the bed now come into the picture. But to me, all of those things sound so distant and unattainable. I miss having a home to return to on Thursdays. I wish I could look forward to a familiar bed with my pillows. Scratch the chin of my cat, find familiar things just the way I left them, recognize smells, raid the pantry for my favorite snacks, cook up a storm, bake goodies for the week, all of that. I miss having someone to go home to. Someone to share my week of stories and tell my secrets. Someone to lay in bed with and just relax because I deserve to relax after a hard long week.

I know it's been a while since I even paid for rent. I haven't had an apartment to myself since I moved out of the Preston back in mid-March. After that I was just literally living from one weekend to the next on people's couches, friends' beds, hotel rooms, my parents' place, other people's parents place...but I guess that was different because I wasn't traveling as much. I had the familiarity of DC to remind me of what "home" was. I felt at home and comfortable in that city. I had friends to keep my company and feel close to.

Now, Thursdays are just a day when all my clients get to go home to their families, and I'm stuck in some suburb of Hanover, Germany. Actually, let me be honest here. Since I've been staffed here in Germany, I've actually only spent the first weekend here in Hanover. All the rest I was traveling all over Europe: Amsterdam, Istanbul, Hamburg, Cologne, Paris, and now. I guess it's just not having any plans that's making me antsy. But even last week when I was at the airport getting ready to go to Paris, one of my favorite cities - if not the favorite city of mine, I still felt incredibly sad and lonely. I guess flying home to someone that you love will always be better than flying to Paris any day of the year.

Last week, I couldn't help but let the thought of having jim there instead of alexa cross my mind. I thought what if we had held out and not fought and i had flown him across the Atlantic to see me in Paris? Would things have been OK? Would I have had a good time with him? I let myself picture it every so often during my weekend, and every time the answer was no. I knew that had it been jim there, stakes would have been higher I would've wanted us to be super happy super cute super everything. a lot more pressure, a lot more expectations, and a lot of disappointment. I wouldn't have been so easy going, so appreciative of all the small things. i would've panicked when the smallest thing was off, or if i wasn't happy or if he wasn't happy, i'd flip out. i'd constantly be catering to him to make sure that he was having a good time, feeling ok in the heat, liking what we ate, what we saw, what we do...all of it. and all at the same time, i'd want him to be nice to me, and care for me, and love me and basically let me eat his soul. i just lost it. i lost my ability to be me with him. somewhere along the way, i lost it and there's no going back.

July 6 Paris Reflections

2010-07-08T01:48:00.001-07:00

Amazed, grateful, inspired, loved, and at peace

Right now - I’m at the Charles de Gaulle airport, terminal 2G. After some anxiety of getting around this labyrinth of an airport, and taking a few different buses – I’m all settled with about two hours before my flight boards. All I can think about is how happy I am. So grateful for my weekend in Paris…I hope I can do it justice with words, but here’s a try.

I was once asked why I loved Paris so much. I think I have a better answer this time around. Paris is a place where my soul can sing. I felt the warmth of music, art, love, passion, food, and everything that life has to offer when in Paris. I feel renewed and inspired. These past few days, I didn’t feel like a tourist, I felt like a human being living the life that I was meant to live! One of my favorite memories is when I walked through the subways, and stumbled upon a string group playing Pachelbel Canon, beautifully. The acoustics were amazing in the middle of beehive subway station. The music filled the air and I felt my heart swell up with emotion and love. The song has a great significance to me not because it’s the most commonly played song at weddings, but because as a young violinist it was the first song that I fell in love with and took great lengths to play well.

And then, despite the many unanswered questions still resting in my heart, I made up my mind about one thing. I will get a dog someday. This weekend, I got to play with the cutest puppies. We wandered upon a row of pet stores along this street by the river. I didn’t expect to find puppies because typical pet stores in the States don’t usually have dogs. But these stores had plenty of puppies of all types. Labs, English and French bulldogs, beagles, boxers…but I fell for the Jack Russells. The shop owner wouldn’t let us play with them at first because Jack Russells are too hyper and tend to run out of their cage; but after I stood there in love for almost 20 minutes, he opened them up and let me play with them. My heart just melted! Every so often, you can catch them in a moment of stillness. There was this sadness about the Jack Russell’s when they were just sitting there calm and still, it was absolutely adorable. It was like they wanted to be loved, waiting for the right person to come along and take them home. They knew that something was missing in their lives. But the majority of the time, they were completely crazy, restless, happy, needy, and full of energy. They’d wrestle with each other, run around in circles, lick and chew on everything and everyone, and beg for attention. I can relate.

This trip also reinforced my deep yearning desire to actually live in Paris one day. I want to raise my kids here, especially if I have a daughter. I will do everything possible to make sure that she spends a few years as a child in Paris. Instead of reading her books or teaching her history, I will take her to the Louvre, Musee d’Orsay, Pompidou, Victor Hugo’s house, Van Gough, Picasso, Rodin…all of it. I’d want her to love the Louvre just like I do, but if she chooses to love impressionism or modern art at the Musee d’Orsay or Pompidou and have a thing for Monet or Manet, Cezanne, Degas, or Van Gough, then so be it. I’d still love her. But I’d teach her about real beauty through the paintings; I’d show her that beauty doesn’t mean skinny arms, man like musculature, chiseled bone structure, and million dollar shoes. Beauty has evolved throughout the years. It is complex and mysterious. Those paintings of naked women, full and voluptuous, confident and radiant, front and center will be a stark contrast from the fashion magazines and Victoria secret models. I’d want her to discover her inner beauty by looking at all of those that came before her and let her choose what type of beautiful she wants to be.

There’s so much that I felt and experienced this weekend. I’m trying to spit it all out before I forget or move on to the next thought. I’m afraid that I’ll lose them if I don’t describe all of these memories and emotions while they are still fresh in my mind. It was almost overwhelming…but breathtaking at the same time. I’m sorry I’m not doing this justice because I feel rushed in my reflections, when in fact my time in Paris was just the opposite. It was slow and subtle. Patient and kind, not boastful or extravagant. I’ll try to take my time and give it the time that it deserves.

The food. The people. The sights. The spirit. The diversity. The depth and complexity. I’ll take you through it one at a time.

The river that runs through the city reminds me of Rome and the Tiber River. There are lots of bridges to take you back and forth between the north and south side of the city. Some of the best sights are along the river, the Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower, Pompidou, Musee d’Orsay…But what struck me the most about the river was the people that sat along the river in the evenings. Mostly students and young people, with some teenagers, and some older couples filled the entire two banks. They would linger late at night with bottles of cheap wine, beer, some hard alcohol, crackers and cheeses. Everyone sat in groups or as couples, and talked for hours and hours. So much to talk about. Outside, lingering, and enjoying the night. Couples embraced and kissed passionately as if it was their last kiss on earth. No one stared (except for maybe me and a few other Americans), but it was so well accepted. I really appreciated that. What we call PDA can actually be a true manifestation of love or passion. It was pretty sweet. They weren’t a bit apologetic or embarrassed of their emotions. They were in love and happy to make a statement to the world about it.

After spending the majority of the past month in Germany eating potatoes and some form of pork, I thoroughly enjoyed a weekend away to experience French cuisine. All in all, I think we had about 4-5 baguettes and a pretty giant chunk of brie. My favorite meal was the first night, I had mackerel as the first course, and the entrée was some sort of bird wrapped in bacon with amazing peas, carrots, and vegetables. For dessert, we had figs and pears soaked in honey and red wine. It was pretty amazing. The small cozy restaurant was completely packed, service was excellent, and atmosphere reminded me of being in an Italian villa. One of the other favorite meals was moules and frites: A popular shared dish between Alexa and me. It left a familiar taste just like dinners after Bistrot du Coin. The moules we chose were in a cream sauce that wasn’t a bit too heavy. The mushrooms kept their texture and taste in tact to complement the bread. Dijon mustard, ketchup, and one portion too much of mayonnaise accompanied our frites. The caraf of rose wine we shared was just enough to get us both a good buzz. The last meal Alexa and I had together was at the highly recommended Le Bistrot d’Henri, but unfortunately it didn’t live up to our expectations. My pork and pasta was decent but not amazing. The portion was way too much. Alexa’s duck and potatoes were tough to handle. The duck was impossible to cut with the butter knife they provided, and even with a steak knife, it just wasn’t very tasty or edible. We did start out with great pastries every morning though; I think there were quite a few chocolate and regular croissants. I also had a decadent peace tart on puff pastry. OH I almost forgot, the first meal I had on Friday morning was the cream of mushroom soup with puff pastry. It was the most amazing cream of mushroom soup I’ve ever had!! This takes the whole Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup and basically turns it into the equivalent of camel spit/American coffee to Italian espresso. The puff pastry was flaky and buttery, perfection. The soup was to die for. Then there was Laduree and the macaroons there. Pistacchio and vanilla for Alexa, raspberry and coffee for me! Met a random CEO of some Germany company who invited me to visit him in two weeks when I’m in Stuttgart. Boy did he love to hear himself talk. Certainly made me question how great being extraverted is...can't imagine how he sleeps at night. The macaroons were extremely expensive, sort of felt like the whole Serendipity feel of overpriced, overhyped, and overcrowded desserts. We spent the only cab ride to a closed Angelina’s where we were hoping to get hot chocolate after spending a chilly evening sitting by the Eiffel Tower.

The one baguette and a chunk of brie were complemented by a small bottle of red wine atop the Montmartre Sarcre Coeur Chapel. What an odd place? The Chapel was absolutely breathtaking – it was like an ancient mosque-like structure dropped on a hill in the middle of Paris. I inflamed my left knee climbing to the top of that hill, but well worth it. The whole scene though was a bit off putting. The entire hill around the Chapel (a church of God) was green and grassy, but littered with trash and beer cans. Hooligans and people of all walks of life were just sitting around waiting for something to happen. Some met friends for drinks, while others waited opportunistically for aloof tourists. At one point, about a handful of police cars drove in and out of the roads while some policemen ran around chasing people. It reminded me of the time at Gallery Place/Chinatown in DC where the policemen chased down teenagers on the streets like a stampede after an under 17 club let out. But this occurrence was completely inexplicable to a newcomer like myself. Everyone around me sitting on the hill cheered and hooted, almost in a taunting way when the police started to chase down the people. I can attempt to make up a back story for what happened, but it’s likely to be entirely false.

We watched the Germany vs. Argentina game at The Great Canadian, where I had a strongbow. The game was fantastic. I was certainly cheering for the right team. I had a moment of weakness and had to leave during half-time and sit outside for five minutes past the half-time break. But luckily I didn’t miss any goals. I had my iphone with me, and despite the urge to drunk dial someone, I remembered how that whole experience turned out last weekend when I had a Sunday breakfast drink and then proceeded to act petulant and inconsolable. I missed the first half of the Germany game last Sunday. I wasn’t about to miss another game due to lack of self-control. Instead, I prayed and read a few verses on love, patience, and faith. It settled my heart and reminded me of how good I can be. I’m glad I didn’t make the same mistake twice in one World Cup week.

The conversations that Alexa and I had were incredibly timely and impactful, at least on me. After quite some time apart and few and far in between phone calls, we were able to reconnect. Things have definitely changed since college, the stakes are higher and issues are more serious, I suppose. What used to be around boyfriends, classes, different social circles, etc. etc. has now turned into marriage discussions, kids, sacrifices, careers, and family expectations. On one hand it was incredibly nice to have someone to relate to, and someone who makes similar but different mistakes. We both constantly struggle patience, control, expectations, demands, all that… but I wouldn’t say it was comforting because there were more questions than answers that came out of those conversations. And in some ways, we were both left to be content with waiting and hoping.

It’s definitely tough being a minority (female and ethnic minority) that is. We both struggle with the expectations and preferences of our culture versus mainstream values. For me, obviously marrying a Chinese boy would make so many aspects of family life easier on my parents and future in-laws. Then there’s the whole career versus family question. In so many respects, we are taught at young age by our parents that we need to be selfish and pursue higher education, be the best and brightest. Be just as smart if not smarter than the boys. We shouldn’t let anything get in the way. Especially boys. They forbid us to date, but then sometime around the mid-twenties they tell us bam! Time to get married, have kids, go! It just doesn’t make sense. I do want to be selfish. I want to be happy. I don’t want to settle (down). The thought of marriage and kids just seems like shackles at this point. And I guess I’m just not smart enough to have both, yet.

I have been thinking a lot lately in light of recent events in my personal life. This past week was definitely a transformational one. After a busy Monday to Thursday, I sat at the airport in Hanover before my flight to Paris last Thursday afternoon and literally cried by myself for 30 minutes. It was incredibly cathartic. I could feel God’s hands on me healing me. It was also incredibly humbling. I hid most of those emotions for a later, more appropriate time, which turned out to be Thursday afternoon. When all of the sudden, this gushing wave of emotion just burst. I felt guilty, spent, sad, miserable, lonely, hallow, abandoned, but mostly I felt like a terrible person. I saw through the mirror and it was ugly. I was brutally honest with myself about my flaws and blamed everything that had happened on me. I caused someone a lot of anger, pain, resentment, negative feels, disappointment, sadness…etc. I did a bad thing, and I knew it. I wanted to make up for it. I wanted to make amends. I wanted to change, to be better, and to be good again. I wanted vindication!! I wanted to scream out loud, “I am not a needy, selfish, and insecure brat! I swear, I’m not!”

Aaahahaha…I’m laughing about it now because I can still see myself in that moment desperately wanting to prove a point. It’s no use, I am who I am. I’m happily embracing it now, and looking forward. I have to believe that I can change, and that God does want me to change. One day I will be a patient, humble, considerate, faithful and true person. I’m not the complete opposite of all those things right now, and this weekend spending it with Alexa, I also learned to be kind to myself. I don’t want to blame anyone, and I don’t need to be so hard on myself.

I can’t just say that I’ll never be that ugly person again, it could happen. If I were to be put in a similar position right now, it could likely happen over and over again. I don’t have it all sorted out, and there are plenty of unanswered questions. But I know one thing for sure, God is an awesome God, He loves me and He really wants me to be good. He’ll do anything to make sure that I am doing what’s best and what will make me happy. I will trust in Him!

And so, this weekend has definitely left me feeling: Amazed, grateful, inspired, loved, and at peace

July 7 Hanover - back to work after paris

2010-07-07T04:56:00.000-07:00

dear Lord,

I guess I keep moving in the wrong direction. i should have never had sex before marriage. true. i should have never moved in with a boy that i didn't want to marry. true. i should have never tried to disobey you. i should have never dated a non-christian. i shouldn't have given him a second chance.

i miss baltimore though. i miss it terribly. i saw a craigslist ad about a place in st. paul near mt. vernon. i used to live there, that used to be my home - mt. vernon, baltimore. the art's district, restaurants on St. Paul and Charles St, The Charles Theatre, and the train station...they were all my "hood". it meant so much to me because i chose it, with a boy. i chose to move in with someone. Not only is that one of those monumental life steps that you take like going to college, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby...it is also something that was meant to be extremely rewarding. why does it hurt so much to think about? because the whole thing was so happy and now it's gone.

...the nights of cuddling up and watching a movie, or watching lightning and thunder storms from our 10 foot windows. Oh those windows...I had my parents buy us new custom made curtains that would fit the dimensions perfectly. There was so much happiness about that apartment. Dancing in our large living room with or without music, cooking and baking a billion things in a tiny kitchen, throwing him a surprise birthday party in the middle of summer and having all our guests sweat it out until we finally move out to the side walk to grill. Marko and Liz were so helpful and gracious, they brought all this delicious meat to grill. I can't say much about the bathroom except that there was a shower that was nice and used often. My bedroom was beautifully decorated, one of the first rooms that I actually took the effort to personalize. It was so big and spacious, and my deep wine coloured curtains made the room as dark as I needed. It was also the cooler one of the bedrooms because he was sweet enough to give me the air conditioning unit. His room was smaller, hotter, and not as decorated. It had all the essentials, a bed, a desk, all that. And it had his own personal space and his weights, posters, a billion shoes just hanging out everywhere. I remember I used to go in there when he wasn't around and just stand there hoping to catch a glimpse or a smell of him. Sometimes, I'd tidy up a little bit, arrange his shoes in a certain order, pick up a few things here and there and arrange them in an orderly way. I'd never do too much though, I wouldn't actually want him to notice that I picked up after them. Because God forbid he confuses me with his mom! What a travesty! I'd hate for him to think I was becoming a wifey figure or something responsible.

I remember the day I moved out, I walked into his room without any regard as if it still was accessible to me. I placed a few things on his desk and in his drawers that I wanted to return or for him to keep. I stood there for a moment as I always did, taking everything in, breathing in the moment, looked around and again tried to catch a glimpse or a smell of him.

I really did love that apartment.

Anything else? That's all I think of right now...so the best thing to do is to collect those memories, place them in a box, and hide it away in a closet somewhere for a later time.

I have to be holistic, we did have fights there. A few bad ones stick out in my mind. There were quite a few nights that we'd try to sleep apart from each other, most of them failed, but once or twice we succeeded. but there wasn't a success story to it. sometimes i felt trapped in that apartment. mostly because i built up these invisible walls that I couldn't escape. the walls initially made me feel safe with someone that i deeply loved and cared about, but then the walls became a barrier to the outside world. it was hard to even crawl outside to go to work or down the street to yoga classes or do anything else by myself. all i wanted to do was be with him or sit around waiting for him. that was kind of pathetic now that i think about it.

I'm not ready to digest all of these memories. I can't be completely objective about it quite yet, I still miss him and want apologize for everything that I did wrong. I want to go back and do things differently. To scream, I'm not that needy or insecure I promise!

My mind sometimes wanders/wonders back to all the things that he said in the past month or so. I remember how he said we'd study together, him for his boards, and me for the gmat. I was so conflicted when he said that. On one hand, it was cute and I thought how nice it'd be to be with him again when I heard it. It was like we actually had some figment of a future, at least a near future, together. But along the lines of my whole addiction theory, it was like someone dangling a small piece of the happiness I was addicted to, in front of me. I saw it, and I knew that I'd like it, but I also was repulsed by it. There was a part of me that screamed, "Nooo! i don't want to study with you, i know i'd never get any studying done, and i'd do badly on my exam, stay away from me!"

Same reaction with when he said he'd like to pick me up at the airport. I saw in my mind, and there was that feeling of oh my I'm gonna get some of that good stuff now...I saw him, flowers, big smile, I imagined me running into his arms, falling into his arms, feeling whole and completed, and relieved. It'd be so amazing to see him - having him pick me up at the airport is so romantic. But then i stepped back and after the phone call my perfect image disappeared, and reality hit in - where would he take me after he picked me up? where would we go? to his apartment? i didn't belong there. to my parent's house? he didn't belong there, it wouldn't be fair to spring this on my parents and just have him show up. we'd have to separate eventually. i'd have to go to atlanta, and miss him again. what then? how would we cope with the distance? how would we start a relationship when we barely saw each other? when would i have time for myself? when would i take my gmat, go visit business schools, invest in my future when all i wanted to do was be with him and lay in bed and roll in the sheets all day long?? all the little questions started to poke giant holes into my beautiful picture of happiness. finally it was all torn up and unrecognizable. i knew it. just the idea of seeing him and having to leave him again tore me up inside, it made me feel vulnerable and weak, anxious and unsettled, small and scared. having a weekend with him was going to do more damage than good, and i knew it. the next time we talked, i screamed at him for tangling unattainable happiness in front of me. it wasn't fair of me to put that on him. i had no idea how all those little things impacted how i saw my future. but a part of me knew that it was impossible for me to get into business school and still be with him at this point in my life. so when the whole thing finally came tumbling down again, that's why there was a sigh of relief, it was like i knew i'd be able to get into HBS now. i knew i'd be a successful capable human being again. and i only had God to thank for it. i thanked Him for loving me enough to do what was best when I couldn't do it for myself. I thanked Him for intervening and for His Grace. i also said a smaller thank you to jim. for being the one to pull the trigger.

7/1 - 7/3 Paris - after paris after just reading eat pray love

2010-07-07T02:20:00.000-07:00

alexa and i spent the weekend in Paris and it did heal me to a certain extent. she was God-sent. she brought me a book: Eat, Pray, Love. the writing reminds me of me, but the author is a lot more jaded, messed up, and talented. i literally sat on the plane from paris to hanover smiling, laughing and crying the whole way as i read the book. it's so heart wrenching but healing at the same time.

i know that jim isn't the right person for me, and i know i have no right to ask that he becomes my friend again. i say that he was my best friend, but i think in reality he was my drug dealer. i knew that we shared moments of intense happiness and passion. complete trust and vulnerability, moments when time stood still and all was at peace. we were both completely consumed and satisfied by our love (or lust) for each other. it was a high that sent dopamine signals in my brain like crazy. those moments happen to be sex related. but also, times when i was completely settled happy and not worrying about everything else in my life. just capable of pushing away all my fears, worries, and insecurities and just dive into him. i literally wanted to nose dive into him and eat his soul at the same time. but it certainly made me incredibly happy to have those moments. the feedback loop told me that i needed to get back to that place whenever possible. the negative and positive reinforcements were everywhere. every time he complimented me, or said i love you, or said he missed me, needed me, wanted me, my brain went into autodrive and said go! find that happy place, look for the drug. get to that perfect high. but then some days he'd withhold it from me. or i wasn't able to talk to him, or i'd miss him. because of whatever reasons, all perfectly acceptable and reasonable, he'd withhold or was unable to find that moment of perfection with me. I'd also kick into autodrive - change the situation, get him on the phone, text him, IM him...find him!!

hello, my name is tina. i was an addict. or i guess i still am. given the opportunity to see the drug, i'd probably still react in a similar manner. addicted to the way he feels about me. addicted to the way he wanted me. addicted to his words, mannerisms, stories, but mostly just how he loved me. it's absolutely sickening. every time I was sad, lonely, bored, drunk, tired, , i went searching for my next high. I wanted to be satisfied by his praises, his attention, his love. i'd do anything for it. i'd make sacrifices, move closer to be with him, more easily accessible if he has to come back to me at some point, fly him to europe, fly back to the states, pay absurd amounts for a phone bill, walk outside in the rain to get wifi, sit in a shaddy area of town to get wifi, whatever it takes. i'd talk to him and get my high.

now i am going through withdrawal. the signs are pretty clear. uncontrollable urges, the shaking, the crying, uneasiness, irrationality, irritability. i get into a loop whenever i'm in a dark place, and the thought of wanting to do everything possible to fix things. wanting to make it ok and feel somewhat ok again. i can accept a dose of the bad stuff if there is a prospect of the good stuff in stored. i can deal with more crying nights, sadness, fights, yelling, if only i could hear his voice because it would mean that the possibility of achieving that moment of perfection and extreme happiness is still intact. i just want the stuff!

note to reader: despite my long lengthy rant of addiction and drug use, i have never actually smoked anything in my life, not even a hooka. and i've never touched drugs or abused any type of substances. i am the biggest light weight, so i do get drunk easily. but i am nowhere near an alcoholic. so how do i know that this is an addiction? because of all the signs and similar reactions.

and let me clarify, this perfection that i describe is the wrong word. i know there's nothing perfect about it. most of the time, it's just the gratification of sexual urges and feeling a sense of release. being content, tired out, but peaceful with someone you love. i remember thinking and perhaps saying at one point or another, if only i could just lay in bed all day for the rest of my life, everyday with jim, and roll in the sheets. then we'd never fight. i remember when i first said i love you. i think what i really meant was "my god, i love you for the sex that we just had. and i love you for giving me that. and i will continue to love you if you will continue to deliver."

now i just feel guilty and like a horrible person, again.

i really need grace. and forgiveness at this point. and My God! is the Lord gracious and kind. every time i confess my sins, and admit what I did, it instantly gets wiped away. like a dry erase marker. gone. forever.

i know that i wasn't being honest with myself. i wanted to just have a good time, play with my best friend, do fun things like traveling, going places, trying new things. these things are certainly more fun with a partner. and dancing. dancing is always more fun with a partner.

BUT..so i've come to rediscover. there are so many things in life that are more long lasting and significant that makes me just as happy if not more. Every time I go through a breakup, after that initial shock and devastation, I feel relieved. i can finally get over my addiction because my drug dealer died. well not died, but is absolutely inaccessible and unwilling to deal to me. i have a sigh of relief, and get back to enjoying normalcy. i get back to savoring the beautiful, colorful, amazing things in life. i eat food as if it feeds my soul. i see art and hear music and it makes my soul sing. i'm curious and hungry, but satisfied and content. i want to learn about history and art. i look at people differently, i relate to them better. i care for others and i'm empathetic. i feel the pain and joy that others feel. i live life again. the cloud disappears around me. colors are brighter. sunny days are happier. the Lords voice is loud and clear. i feel his presence surrounding me and holding me up. i have great posture. i walk with more confidence. i look so damn sexy in my cute outfits. i smile bigger and brighter. i'm brave. i'm FEARLESS. the bondage of my addiction is gone.

that's not to say i don't slip back into moments of withdrawal and loss of rationality sometimes. it happens. but every time, God pulls me back and says you can do this, you know you are meant to live a beautiful life. keep going. charge ahead. be patient, wait for me. it all makes sense to me. i love Him. He is my rock. I should learn to be addicted to God and prayer and the Bible. if i need to be addicted to something. but right now, i'm happy to be on my way to the high road of recovery.

7/1 -7/3 Paris - airport in Hanover to first night in Paris alone

2010-07-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

I can't stop crying. the last few days at work, every two or three hours, i had to get up to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. even if it was just a few seconds. eventually the bathroom became this incubator-like place for me. It was somehow a little bit warmer than the rest of the building, and there were double doors that made me feel like i was passing through to another world. a place where i can be safe to cry on my own. it also happens that there's only 1 other woman i know in this entire building and she isn't here this week, so i'm certain that no one i know will find me soppy-eyed and pathetic looking. for those mere seconds. it soon became comforting and enough to just walk into the bathroom when i thought i was about to cry, and things would just settle. i rarely let myself cry for more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time.

but then today at the airport on the way to paris, when i was still in Hanover I just broke down completely. it was like I was trying really hard to contain it all for so long, and i finally found a good quiet place away from all society to let it all out. it felt like throwing up, and so i made sure to scour a good place to do it. to do it alone.

the tears just came rushing out uncontrollably. the loud angry kind of crying with snot and everything dripping. i could sort of make out the image of myself in the reflection from the building across the street, and somehow i looked old. older.

i sat there still in tears and had this sudden urge to write a letter to jim's mom. i wanted to explain everything. i thought that maybe she'd be able to relate and somehow sympathize with me enough to make everything better. i wanted to be vindicated. to perhaps convince her to be on my side and encourage jim. i knew i'd never send it to her even though i wrote two pages or more. i don't know what the point of it was, but i suppose it was cathartic. i linked the whole experience with peter and how i didn't really assess what i did and how i felt when i was in a relationship. i ended up making similar mistakes. i wasn't ready.

but then today when i got to the hotel, the sense of pain and loneliness hit harder than it's been. probably because im in a new place, new environment. i tried to numb the pain by doing something stupid. i watched porn on my computer and thought maybe that would entertain me. that was the worst idea ever. it just left me feeling more muted and sad. what sad lives those people must lead to have to resort to a career like that. it made me feel shameful that i'm trying to destroy whatever sense of pride and honor that i might have left. i'm basically trying to ruin myself so i dont feel so guilty about everything that i've done with jim by doing something else bad so i can feel guilty about that. it's not helping. i want to call him and cry and ask for forgiveness and a second chance. i want him back. and i want to work at it. but i know that i dont deserve a second chance. its almost 1am here. i can't fall asleep. i wonder if all these things i'm writing will ever mean anything. The thought of maybe one day sharing it with my kids was kind of comforting, helping them learn what type of mistakes not to make. the thought that maybe these kids might also be his did cross my mind, but then was quickly erased.

i deleted all the other letters that i wrote him during our time apart. back in april-may i'd write him every so often when i was sad or lonely. none of those were ever sent. i didn't think he deserved to hear my honesty or my thoughts anymore. especially because my honest thoughts changed just about every other day. reading through them, there was no consistency, some days it was your not going to get me back! and other days it was i miss you terribly --i wish that you would change -- that you'd be willing to become the person that i want you to be. well he did change. and look what little good that did. im being really hard on myself this time around. i didn't feel this burden and guilt last time we broke up food good because it felt like I didn't do anything wrong. it sucks that when people break up, the last thing that happens is usually the most vivid and impacting one. because i made the last mistake, i want to take on all the blame and say i caused the entire downfall. while he was offering me everything that i could possibly ever want or need. i need to be holistic. i didn't cause the downfall of anything.

i was never really committed or ready to get back together with him. had i wanted to re-commit to a relationship, I would've taken precautions to set boundaries and try to make up for all the mistakes i made before. i would've prayed for us to start over with a clean slate. I would've made every effort to let go of the past and stop with the blame game. I would've embraced the opportunity to mend the relationship between me and his family. I would've done so many things differently...

i was stupid for leading him on for that long thinking that i could just be ready in a matter of weeks. i didn't know what it would take, or what i wanted at that point. i asked time, but i need space too. apparently more space the entire atlantic ocean. oh skype, how you bridge gaps that seemed nearly impossible to bridge. And i think he just cared more about getting back together than what he actually wanted from me. i think the truth is, he did just want another chance to clean his slate and his conscience so that he knew he gave it his best effort. dumped it on me, and now im stuck feeling like i should have put in more effort. whoopdeedoo. that's really helpful. i'm angry now. but i'm sure in a few minutes, i'll feel ok, i'll feel better. brighter. then pain again. then darkness. it's just going to continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. i need to let go and slowly digest. i'm trying to digest too quickly. it's going to take time. be patient with yourself. love yourself, take care of yourself this weekend. it's been a rough week. be good to yourself just like you would treat your best friend. learn to be good and caring starting with yourself now. then we'll get to the part about being someone else's best friend, girlfriend, soulmate, all that jazz, later. start with yourself. it's ok. you lost someone (again) this week. you are allowed to be sad. everyone is sad when they lose someone. breathe. pray. fast. love.

July 1 Hanover - thursday still at work, right before going to airport to paris

2010-07-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

omg, i think i really screwed up. it hurts but somehow it hurts a lot more than it should. i can't stop thinking about it. i think it's a good thing to think, but i'm having trouble letting go. i know i shouldn't feel this way, but I'm going to say exactly how i feel right now. and write out what i would tell jim if we could talk.

all i'm thinking about it how this feeling, this gut wrenching feeling would not be here if i didn't love him so much. but then i step back and i don't understand how i could've treated him so badly and had been so incapable of being a good person when i was with him. is it just because i lost something and i want it back? omg, this feeling is absolutely inconsolable. i regret so many things. i wish i could change so many things. this is NOT how i felt last time when we broke up. i was left feeling happy, relieved, satisfied with the effort, ready to move on. but now i'm left feeling like i want to be with him. maybe not right now, but i want to pray for him. and pray for us and a future together. i want God to change me to a person that fits him perfectly. maybe it's because i feel like what jim wanted in a relationship was what i wanted to be! he wanted me to be independent, strong-minded, capable, loving, passionate, all of those things!! he wanted what i am when we're not together. why is that such a cruel joke??

God, I know that You're supposed to be my best friend and I'm suppose to worship you and look to you for direction and guidance. I should've spent more time and effort invested in the relationship, praying for it, asking for patience and wisdom. Instead of being impatient, petulant, and absolutely obnoxious. What really happened on Sunday, Lord - you know what really happened. It's embarrassing and shameful. I saw jim's text, was happy that he thought of me and text me, instantly wanted to talk to him so i text back. not realizing what time it was there. later lying about it. then i walked around cologne aimlessly thinking about him. then i went and had a drink, ate breakfast, the drink contained more alcohol than i cared to admit. i went back to starbucks and decided that instead of going to the Modern Art museum (museum ludwig) with my senior manager, that I'd sit aimlessly in starbucks and wait for jim to wake up. i basically chose to be a waste of life and a total embarrassment to myself over doing something that i really love which is going to modern art museums!! now that i'm replaying it in my mind, i knew that there was a split second decision when i sat back realized that i was red from the alcohol, got lazy didn't want to have to walk outside in the heat to the museum and risk seeing my manager with a bright red face. i chose to sit in starbucks and just stew. waste my life away. im glad that God punished me for that! serves me right for wasting my life away like that.

all i could think was that i wanted to talk to him. didn't bother that he was probably exhausted, sleeping, and had to get up really early. somehow i thought that if i was stuck somewhere like the airport or crashing on someone's floor, i'd probably want to talk to jim in the middle of the night. why? because im crazy and irresponsible, dependent and needy, and if i had the chance to talk to him in the middle of the night, i'd do it. ugh that's despicable. i know. i later lied about going to the museum because i didn't want to tell my sr manager that i was on the phone with my pseudo bf the whole time. i then justified to jim the annoyance and calling to the fact that i was worried about him. i wasn't worried, i was just pissed. pissed that he wouldn't tell me what was going on, actually, pissed that he wouldn't pick up the phone to talk to me at 3am. then pissed that he wouldn't text me in more detail, then pissed that it took him so long to get through security. this entire time, i'm drunk beyond repair, barely able to even sit up straight on the couch of the second floor starbucks across from the bar where everyone is watching germany play england. i'm ridiculous, and deep down inside i am incredibly needy and basically a horrible person. that's probably why i feel so bad about all this. it all came crashing down because of me. i yelled at him for not seeming apologetic enough. i was furious and it made him furious. i don't even remember what my justifications were. i think i said something like if he knew me well enough he'd know to pick up the phone. he'd know how it drives me crazy. he'd think about it at 3am. he'd be willing to make a sacrifice. what was i smoking?? i can't believe i said all that. while i was drunk! i feel like i could've and have said similar things while i was completely sober, so it's not justified by any means.

it just doesn't make sense to me!! what would you call that? what is the explanation? if you call it selfish? was I selfish, sorta. I was selfish because I wanted jim to sacrifice sleep, be miserable and talk to me. i was selfish with my demands. but if i was truly selfish in the objectivism/egoism sense, then i would've gone to the museum in the first place! do what makes me really happy. this all would've never happened. the downfalls of altruism and pragmatism. it's disgusting! if i was truly egoistically selfish, i would've thought about what's the best for me in the long run. well, i really love museums and this one is a good one, and i'd be able to hangout with my senior manager get to know him, invest in the company, in my future. that's good for me. i also really love jim, he's absolutely an amazing person, one of the best people I know, no one has ever said anything bad about him. incredibly caring, thoughtful, patient, just about all the things i wish i could be and more. if i knew what was good for me, i'd pray and let God know that I'm having a moment where I really miss him, feeling needy, can't talk to him right now, but really want to let him know that i love and miss him, so instead of calling and being obnoxious about it, i should say a silent prayer and ask God to bless our relationship, and give me patience to wait till an appropriate time to tell jim what i wanted to say. done. and done. move on. all is well.

i totally deserve everything else that happened after that. but what i can't get over is that when he said a few days before that, how his family thinks i'm needy, clingy, very insecure, and gets that way when he's away, i was genuinely shocked and thought it was absurd because i'm the epitome of independence, confidence, and non-neediness! right?? WRONG. geez. God, I'm glad your showing me this. I like how you have a lot of humour in you, and I know this will all be a great story for my kids some day or maybe a book if there are no kids in the plan. But seriously, you had to teach me a lesson like this? Man it hurts. But in some respects, it's definitely starting to ware on me and I really really hope I learn this lesson well.

i wish i could ask jim to wait for me to change and get rid of all those flaws that make me into a crazy person. but i have no right to ask him. im sure he doesn't want to because he deserves better; he certainly deserves a girl that would respect, love, cherish, and support him. none of which i was actually capable of doing. i feel like such a flake! i'm angry, furious with myself. i just know that the type of person he is looking for is exactly the type of person that i want to be. i dunno what i want. i dont know what i need. mostly because i haven't ever defined what a boyfriend or husband would do for me. i want him to point me towards God and push me to love God more. that's #1. but then after that, nothing. because there's a void, i end up filling the void with ridiculous expectations. i expect him to want to make me happy all the time. i need him to do that, otherwise i flip out. i expect him to give up everything for me. i expect him to be willing to yield to my every whim. that is honestly how i acted. i tried to spin it like i want him to put me first, but in reality i acted like i wanted him to be my slave! that's exactly how i acted as a kid. i made all my friends into little slaves of mine. i forced them to make mud pies and pick berries, and then play power rangers and be putties so i could beat them all up. ugh. this is totally making sense.

i'm sorry jim. i hope one day, far far far away, you'll be able to forgive me.

i know that God has bigger and better things to worry about and planned. I know that outside of this major flaw of mine, which is to want to marginalize and control my boyfriend into being a slave and the fact that i am incredibly needy, impatient, selfish, immature, and utterly a crappy person, there were even bigger things at play here. i was too consumed by the relationship to grow while i was with him. God knew that. God cares about me and wants me to grow. I grew a lot when I wasn't with Jim. because i was challenged. i was forced to be independent and capable. i step up to the plate in these situations. and it felt so damn good. im not naturally that way when i'm with people who love me. i suck up all that goodness until they dont have anything else to give.

alright, enough of this self deprecation it's kinda gross. i'm not that bad. i have self-esteem and confidence, enough to carry me through this. i just really want to emphasize my part in all of this. i want to learn this lesson so i dont make the same mistakes. i want to avoid this pothole altogether next time.

i still want it to be him. i can't help it. i still want God to create a miracle. i want God to show me how to change and become a better person. but in order to trust in God, I have to actually trust in God and let go! I have to relinquish any of my personal needs and wants right now to trust in God who knows the best for me. Please God, be with me. Somehow, make me a patient person. I will wait. I will wait until you tell me what you want me to do. I trust that God has the ability to change hearts and give people the gift of forgiveness. I know that God can bring us back together in the future if He wants to and if that is in the plan. But it is very tough for me to know what's in God's plan right now. He'll show me when it's time. But I just hope I don't miss it because I'm too loud in all of this shouting and crying. I hope that I will hear Him when He reveals the plan for me, and then I'd know. Nothing is ever too late, some things are just too early. i know i'm nothing without God, and i hope that He will remain in me forever and always to guide me through life. i hope that one day i'll be in a good relationship, and married, and with kids, gradually one step at a time, and through all of it i will be a strong and faithful person. a follower of Christ. maybe my calling is in writing Christian books. encouraging youth to pursue healthy relationships and healthy Christian lives. I'd have to learn these lessons first though.

June 30 Hanover - after breakup

2010-06-30T23:16:00.001-07:00

I'm glad that God is showing how far off I am from being a mature capable person in a relationship. for as much as I write and complain about issues and lack there of in relationships, I think I'm definitely a root cause of a lot the fights and problems I've had in my previous relationships.

Alright let's do some analysis! Haha, here's what I know: I'm an only child so growing up I didn't have to deal with anyone but my parents. I'm not good at "playing" with kids my own age, I remember when I was little I was definitely a bully and tried to tell everyone what to do. Eventually the kids I played with in my neighborhood hated me. But the point is, since then I've learned to play with other people my age but I don't think I ever took the time or effort to learn to play with just one person in a relationship.

I forget that when your in a relationship, you shouldn't expect that person to yield to your every whim and need. I've realized that I'm really immature and not ready to be in a stable relationship. I'm glad that I'm on my own to figure this out. I want to learn these lessons so I can be a better friend in my future relationships!

June 28 Hanover back in Langenhagen after fight before breakup

2010-06-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dear God, what do you want me to do? I will obey you. Please give me wisdom, patience and faith in you. Show me exactly what you want me to do, in this moment right now. Show me what I do now. Do you want me to wait for him and pray for a future with him? Do you want me to let it go and move on?

I'm conflicted. I know that there are so many things that were good and so many hopes and dreams that make us great. I know that I need rely on You to be good in a relationship, but a lot of times I don't rely on you and I'm not great. I cannot be happy and I cannot be myself when I don't rely on you. I wish that I could be that way with him. I wish it was him.

But I know that you may have something else planned for me. Perhaps you want me to walk away from this, give up on it, open my heart to other people. For me to see that this isn't what you planned for me, and I need to just let it go.

But before I do it, I want to know that this is right! Lord, please show me!! Please show me what you want me to do next. Give me discernment and wisdom to know what is the right thing to do. That's all I want.

In Jesus's name I pray, AMEN!

June 28 Cologne - right after fight with jim

2010-06-28T00:57:00.001-07:00

Dear God,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

I know you aren't finished with me yet. Thank you! Please don't ever be finished with me. I was walking around Cologne, Germany a few days ago and had this sudden fear that you might punish me for what I'm doing. I know it sounds really stupid but I somehow got fearful that you might take away everything because I'm not using it to your Glory.

I know that when I'm "with" him and in a relationship I lose sight of you. I let my sins get the best of me. I forget to pray and stay close to your will. I lose my confidence and drive because I forget the source of all of that. It doesn't take very long. It didn't take long at all this time around for me to lose you. I'm sorry. Someday, I will be able to be in a relationship and in a marriage and still have my whole focus on you. It just isn't right now. Thank you for showing me that. I will wait.

In the meantime, please protect my heart. Keep me whole. Teach me to be strong in you. Protect my soul, cleanse me and give me a clean slate again in Jesus's name. I know I don't deserve it, and I know that I've done nothing to earn Grace. And yet you give it to me.

Thank you for speaking to me yesterday on the train ride home. For giving me preparation and for encouraging me to find my way back to you. Please help me do the right thing and give me clarity, vision, and wisdom! I think that's what I lack most, being able to recognize what's right and wrong in that moment. Wanting to make things better and feeling utterly helpless. I know that only you can make things good. I hope that it's through me that you will accomplish your good deeds.

Lord, make me humble. Help me see the mistakes that I've made and improve upon them. Don't let me dwell on them unnecessarily but help me learn the lessons you want me to learn! And always - always stay close to me!

And as always, thank you for loving me. I am so grateful.

in Christ's name,

Amen

June 17 Hanover - chemistry.com

2010-06-17T13:26:00.001-07:00

Doesn't this sound like the male version of me?? - Hanover

Recently, I met a guy who describes himself as this:

I'm a simple Chinese Christian guy looking for my soulmate and lifelong companion. My faith is integral to everything in my life, so I am looking for a woman after God's own heart who complements me well. I am currently trying to figure out God's next step for my life.

My passions are rather broad, and I keep finding more options for how to apply them: technology, healthcare, nonprofit work overseas rebuilding / helping communities through healthcare / technological solutions, business, entrepreneurship. I'm beginning to see some plans formulate.

Outside of wrestling with that, I love photography and want to start my own studio someday. I love music and want to write some for piano/guitar, and I love singing and the performing arts. I also love kids, teaching and mentoring younger people, planning events, cooking for people, writing, poetry, travel.... quite a lot of things.

I'm looking for someone who is honest, genuine and not overly fixated on the things of the earth, who is mature in both the way she thinks, lives, and manages her resources (time, talent, treasure) and priorities. Non-negotiables: personal and spiritual maturity, good heart, understands herself, and reasonable expectations. She'd definitely be down-to-earth and value family life. I'm a simple guy, though I can appreciate the "sophisticated and expensive" (I'm a romantic afterall). It'd be good if we think along the same wavelength. But I suppose most importantly, I want her to make me want to love the Lord more - to push me, challenge me in everything.

I think that's enough for now =P

6/11-6/13 Istanbul

2010-06-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

5/27

How awesome was last night?! wow, I'm so impressed at how incredible God is, He allowed us to have an open conversation and for you to be open to everything that I said. I think I did back flips in mind last night before bed.

6/1

You wrote me about leaving the Preston last night. It's not fair that you get to talk to me about leaving that place. I never got that, being able to tell you how tough it was literally and emotionally for me to move out of that apartment. Obviously, neither of us ever lived with a significant other, so it was a significant thing for us. But I think emotionally, because we are at a better place now than 2 1/2 months ago when I moved out. It's a lot easier for you. I guess physically, it was was easier for me because I had my parents to help me, you did a lot of the prep work, and I left most of my furniture in the apartment.

But still, it's really not fair that you get to say that you really liked living there, and get to leave it on good terms. I guess life isn't fair that way. Then again, after we broke up you were stuck living there for a couple months haunted by what it once was and what it meant to us. That probably sucked more than just leaving in a day. Who's to say what's fair and what's not.

6/3

so you showed up in my dream last night.

i think we were living near each other somewhere with our parents. And I think you were sick or was injured or something, so I was calling you to make sure that you were OK. for some reason I was calling you over skype, and you just kept ignoring my calls. and then it turned out you were with your parents at my neighborhood pool. I think your mom called my mom to invite us to come to the pool. and then i was really annoyed that you weren't talking to me. I told my parents that I didn't want to go.

Isn't that a weird dream?

I don't know what that's suppose to mean.

thanks for being good about making me get off the phone last night. i'm glad one of us is learning to have self-control. i think i'm going waiver back and forth for a while. i dont know when that'll go away.

june 14, 2010

i guess it's been a while since I last wrote so that has to mean one thing, things have been pretty good up until today. last night we had a pretty long conversation. it was definitely humbling, and tough. I'm not entirely sure what God wanted us to learn from it, but I think He did want us to learn something.

For me, I think God showed me how fallible I am. It's confusing and I'm nervous about what could happen, but I am going to trust in God to bring out the best of this situation. It's not optimism, it's merely faith that could lead to an optimistic outlook. But mostly, it's just letting go and knowing that God's will will prevail.

everything has been breaking on me today. My computer powercord stopped working for 3 hours this morning, it just kept losing connection and my computer wouldn't charge. Then one of the handles on my glasses broke, out of nowhere. I barely even touched it. Then my computer had the blue screen of death - no idea what that's suppose to mean. So now I'm just waiting to see what happens next. I'm wearing my really old pair of contacts it's probably going to infect my eyes soon.

even though I got less than 3 hours of sleep, I'm wide awake and not tired. just apprehensive. what ever happens from this, I won't be angry. I think I royally screwed up this time. I'm incredibly stupid. This experience definitely makes me feel immature and stupid. I also feel like I didn't live up to everything that I preached or that I wanted to be with you. I was so busy pushing you to be a better person, find God, become a Christian, etc..I let myself just slip up.

i'm not going to make any conclusions about what I did, and how wrong it was from a scale of 1-10. i don't really know quite yet. It does feel like a wake up call from God saying stop screwing around and take this more seriously. either commit to it or don't but being in limbo and trying to make this into some stupid game of cat and mouse is stupid.

i think one thing i've come to realize from this is that i am really weak and sometimes I inherently need approval or attention from people that I love. In this case, i think it was like I wanted to do something to make you angry but also so that you'd tell me not to do it. it's like i wanted you to put restrictions on me and tell me what's right or wrong. i guess i should be looking to God to tell me those things and not you.

6/15

Phew. I guess the giant knot in my stomach finally went away today. I literally ran downstairs to check my email on my phone this morning. but then when there was nothing from you, I was disappointed. You were still angry. I logged on to skype to see if there's anything from there, and yes! you sent me a note saying that you loved me, and that you didn't want to be with anyone else. Relief wouldn't begin to cover the way I felt. I think my heart just swelled up from the inside, and I was able to eat my breakfast without feeling like I was going to throw up. God, I love you so much!! Well, I mean I love God too. But I really love you Jim, I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me forever. I'm afraid of telling you because 1) i'm afraid that if I admit that i love you so much it'll somehow go away again, and you'll stop loving me and 2) i don't want you thinking that i'm only loving you because i made you angry and now that I got you back I'm going to say that I love you to make it all better.

I really want God to bless our relationship. I really want God to be at the center of our relationship and for us to live the life that He intended us to have. I want us to grow together and learn from one another. I don't think that I'm any better than you, and God has definitely shown me that through this recent experience. I think it's definitely humbling. Like I said last night, I think I need someone in my life to point me towards God. Sometimes I have a really hard time seeing what's the best for me, and what's right. I know that I need to be married to someone that is always looking for God's heart too.

I know that sometimes I look to you to tell me what's right or wrong. And it was really stupid of me to think that I can do something just because you did it. It wasn't a rash thing what I did on Saturday, I wasn't drunk, I didn't rush into it, and I thought about it beforehand.

Initially, when the guy made a move on me, my gut reaction was to reject him and say no immediately. I didn't want to kiss him and I had interest in hooking up with someone that I barely knew. I stopped talking to him, walked away, and went back to my friends. But then afterwards, I thought about it and a few things made me change my mind: 1) like I said, it was under the influence of Elizabeth and other girls saying how great Turkish men are, and also Dan saying that I'm in turkey, I should experience the culture and the people; they were encouraging me to see where it goes..that was REALLY stupid and wrong of me to think that it was OK b/c all my friends were saying that it was 2) I remembered you kissing someone else when we were broken up, and I thought that technically we were still broken up. i guess it was me wanting to even things up. 3) I also remembered asking you about what you'd do if I hooked up with someone, and you had said that you'd deal with it. I remember asking you what would happen if I hooked up with Carson and you said you'd get over it. I hated that. I hated that you'd let someone else have me, or that you'd be ok with me messing around with someone else.

Because you said it I thought that I was entitled to it; I thought why should I hold myself to such a high standard if you won't? Why would I need to be so "good" if you didn't really need me to be so good. I guess the heart of the situation is that I lowered my values to try to meet your standards. I think when you said it, I'm sure you didn't mean it, and I knew that you didn't and wouldn't want me to do anything like that. But a part of me was deeply hurt and affected by you letting me do something like that. I looked to you to define some of my values, especially when it comes to relationship standards and values. i think because you said you'd be OK with me hooking up with someone, you expected me to be OK with it too in the future. I knew that I wouldn't be OK with it at all, but I wanted to be on the same playing field as you so that I wouldn't get hurt if you did something like that.

I should've stood by my own values and not lowering myself just because you said you'd be OK with it. I shouldn't have tested the waters and tried to test your limits like that. It was undeniably wrong and hurtful. But I wanted to let you know that I'm not the type of person that just jumps into something like that, I didn't do it out of inconsideration for you. I think at the heart of it, I was thinking about how you said you'd be OK with it and how I wanted to be OK with that too. I guess sometimes I get self-destructive and want to

May 30 Hanover - so many thoughts, just arrived!

2010-05-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I hate that when I'm walking around Hanover by myself, i have all these thoughts that I mean to write about later on. But then when it comes to remembering them and writing them down, I end up forgetting so much of it.

Let's start by recapping the week and the weekend. It's Sunday evening, and I've spent a whole week in Germany now! I work in a small suburb called Langenhagen, it's outside of Hanover, a medium sized city in Germany. The client team is pretty great, it consists of 6 men right now. A woman will join us in a few weeks. They are from Germany, Sweden, and Austria. Those of us from out of town have been staying at a Best Western. The room reminded me of living in Rome, a single bed, very small. I liked it just fine though. Breakfast was included.

This weekend, Christian a local team member invited me to go to the flea market with his two sons, Henri and Nick, ages 11 and 7. The older one Henri spoke a little English, but Nick didn't at all. It was a lot of fun though, getting to see the city on Saturday with someone that knew where he was going was a lot better than wondering around on Friday alone. I wasn't sure how safe everything was on Friday night when I walked around aimlessly with a map. The area around the train station had a lot of shopping and restaurants, but then I wondered to some areas that didn't have anything. There were a lot of teenagers and older people.

The flea market had a lot of really interesting stuff. I might have to go back and purchase a beer mug from the middle ages. It has a lid, pretty cool looking. It was definitely more fun to have someone narrating the history of the buildings and then talking to what each thing is at the flea market. Also, I really liked Henri, and Nick. They were both really really nice kids. Not a bit annoying. God, if I could be guaranteed a great kid like that, I'd be so happy. They were very active, lively, full of energy, but not annoying or mischievous! They were adorable too! Henri tried really hard to communicate with me despite the language barrier, and he was adamant about showing me his Pokemon and music collection. But Christian said it would have to be another time. I think Christian is a single dad though because he didn't mention his wife at all, and only mentioned their mom once or twice very briefly. I wanted to know the story behind it, but clearly couldn't ask. Henri taught me a bunch of German words, I learned to count to 10. So German is really tough for me!! Is it because I'm getting old?? I suck at pronunciation, it's a lot harder than Spanish or Italian. I hear it, but then I can't pronounce it. What's wrong with me??

Then Saturday afternoon, I was exhausted, probably because the night before I only slept for 3-4 hours before waking up around 8AM. So I slept on Saturday night from 6PM till 9AM on Sunday. Today.

Today, was more walking. I kept thinking about the amazing gelato and cappuccino I had yesterday. yum. I don't really like the seltzer water served everywhere. I like no gas in water! The cappuccino isn't as good here as it is in Italy. Maybe it's the weekend, but so many couples out walking around here, it's really cute. All ages, holding hands, very much in love. I like that they are very liberal with their pda. There are special places around the city for lovers to meet and do what lovers do. I think that's really cute too.

I booked my flights to Paris and back for over July 4th weekend. I'm very excited about that! I still can't decide if I like German food yet. Haven't had any sausages because they sometimes look a bit scary. I've been having a lot of pork and ribs. I had a really amazing handmade macaroni and cheese with onions. Delicious!

The Germans aren't very fashion conscious. Just a lot of black and dull colors. Everyone wears skinny jeans or pants. A lot of leather jackets. I feel like somethings like Pokemon, jean jackets, mps, etc are very much out of fashion in the States but live and well here.

So I'm staying at the Courtyard Marriott right in front of the Maschee, a giant man made lake. It's about 7km in diameter. And there are these GIANT carps in the lake. They must weigh like 40lbs because some of them a huge. They also look different, some have golden scales on top. Christian told me that right before new years, they go and fish them out and it's a holiday tradition to eat carp. Also, some people keep a golden carp scale in their wallet for good luck, it's suppose to bring fortune and wealth.

There were also a kayak polo competition in the lake this weekend. A lot of kids/teenagers playing kayak polo. It's like water polo, but in kayaks with 1 ball that they have to throw in a large net. Looked pretty tiring because they have to row and throw.

Meeting Henri really made me happy. I kept thinking how great it'd be to have a son like him. I think he really liked me too. When his dad left for a few minutes, Henri kept staring at me like a little kid in love, just smiling, and not knowing what to say. It was really funny. I really hope that God gives me happy kids someday. So today I walked around the lake all 7Km of it, and was thinking about kids. When did I start hating them? I had a pretty good conversation with God today during my 7Km walk around the lake, I think He also taught me a pretty good lesson in the process. I kept thinking about my future and how I'd like to have kids someday. I thought about marriage, and I'd go about choosing my life partner, and what I'd like to do before I get married. Half way through the walk, this guy - pretty young good looking guy, was pushing a really cute baby in a stroller. I saw it, and it was laughing, I thought it was appropriate that I was thinking about kids and there was this baby. The guy kept walking next to me so the baby could stare at me. The guy kept smiling at me, I wasn't sure if he was trying to hit on me with his baby. Kinda tacky. Right after that, it started to rain. Drizzled at first. Then it got heavy, I didn't bring an umbrella. Then it was pouring, and just as it did, there was a house and a small ledge that a few people were standing under. I hadn't seen a building or anything to take cover under for 15-20 mins before. But magically just when I needed something to take cover under, there it was. I loved that. Then later on, it got lighter, I kept walking. I knew that God was saying something to me. Life is going to feel like that sometimes. It's going to get hard and it's going to feel impossible but He will provide for me, I just have to trust him. Not be angry or worried in the process, just hopeful and grateful, which makes me really happy.

So back to the kids discussion, when did I start hating kids?

I remember when I was little, I was stuck with babysitting for a dozen of kids of all age ranges whenever we went to a house party with Chinese friends. I liked babysitting and having that responsibility. I changed diapers and held crying babies. I had a lot of patience, and was really really good with them. I also babysat for our neighbors, Abby and Griffin. Then there was the summer camp in Plainsboro, I think they were 1st-3rd graders for over 6 weeks in an all-day camp. I'd bike there and back.

Also in high school, I was a 4th grade Sunday School teacher for a year. I taught about 10-12 4th graders for an entire school year on biblical stories and teachings! I remember assigning homework, making sunday school lessons, looking up bible verses, and then planning activities. It would take a pretty long time to plan it all out, and then grade the homework. But I loved it, I loved teaching and watching the kids' expressions when I told them stories. I'd get the kids to act out some of the stories and then we'd have competitions to see who could remember the assigned bible verses. I was always so impressed by their ability to remember so many verses! I loved those kids. And they'd see me around church and say hi to me and some of them would run up and give me hugs. Kids in 4th grade are pretty sweet. Very easy to teach.

Then there was being a retreat counselor for a Summer Retreat. I forget what it was called, I remember it was at some university in NJ; it was my first time going, but somehow Tim convinced me into being a resident counselor for 6th graders. I was responsible during the 4 or 5 days for 10 6th grade girls. I was basically their RA. I think I was only in 9th or 10th grade then, so not much older than them. I had to make sure that they went to the workshops and different services on time, we always had our meals together, and then I was responsible for them during the evenings. My parents were at the Retreat too, and I think all of my PCC friends were there; but I barely saw them. I was stuck being an RA for a group of 6th grade girls. But I think I loved it. Some of them were just starting out as middle schoolers, some were still in elementary school, but they were all wide-eyed, curious, and impressionable. I remember being a little scared, not wanting to give them any bad guidance or be a bad influence. Wanting to do the right thing, teach them what God intended them to learn. Wanting so much to be good, and do good. I remember one or two nights we stayed up talking in my room for a while because some of the girls just had so many questions and things to talk about. They'd ask me all these questions about boys, dating, and God. I think I answered them to the best of my ability. From then, I knew. I knew that I had a special gift of guidance and inspiration. I knew that God used me to speak to those girls. But it was also a really scaring thing because of how much influence people can have on one another. I think I felt really close to God then, but in a way, it was also very draining to have to be constantly searching and praying for the right things to say. I was terrified that I'd do the wrong thing. But somehow, i managed to exude confidence and not let anyone down. I think I can also err on the side of self-righteousness sometimes and pretend like I know the right things and just speak from my mind and not listen to God and end up saying or doing the wrong things. That's what I'm most afraid of. Especially with my kids. I'm afraid I'll just follow in my own path and do what I think is best, instead of asking God and following in His will.

I think I'm just looking for the right person to start a family with, and then I might have a little more confidence in my parenting abilities? I'd like to lead a small group or a church youth group again sometime in the near future. But I guess I'd also like to do it with a partner, perhaps someone that I'm dating then, and together we can lead a small group and do weekly devotionals. But I think even more importantly than just reading the bible and learning from one another, I think being able to be responsible for a small group and having to coordinate the logistics of being responsible for them would enable me to learn to be a better parent. I hope I can learn about myself in the process and how I'd like to teach my kids. I hope God will give me that opportunity.

I really want my future husband to know the words of Michael W Smith's song Prince of Peace (You are Holy). So we can sing the two parts simultaneously. Haha. I miss the good old days of leading worship at PCC. I think that was one of my favorite songs to sing when we did worship. I don't think Jason and I were very good. In fact, I think we were pretty bad at it especially because neither of us knew how to play the guitar, so we'd have to rely on Fred. But still, they were really good times when we got to pick out the songs. I always had my favorite ones. There weren't that many, but I'd always try to stick a few in.

May 25 Hanover - just arrived, reflections of china and jim lately

2010-05-25T05:23:00.000-07:00

I called jim when I was in China after we hit the 1 month mark. I wasn't sure if he had called on phone before, but one night after Liwei and I had a drink in my hotel bar, I was pretty tipsy from the cosmo and decided to call him to see what he had to say. I guess I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I was just hoping he'd have a lot to say.

Instead, when he picked up he just said that abruptly that yes, he'd be willing to love me unconditionally. And that he wanted to get back together. It felt like he didn't really think about it at all. It was the same tune that he had when we last talked, just a yes I think we can make this work. And then he asked me what I thought. I told him how I didn't think it'd work out, and then started lecturing him about how he should act in his next relationship. He got mad, didn't really want to hear about it, and then hung up on me. I went to bed.

Woke up the next morning and wasn't too sure what had happened last night. Said a prayer and asked for forgiveness from God. I knew it was stupid to call him rashly without knowing what I wanted, and also putting myself in a vulnerable place. Not asking God for direction and praying about it as I had done every other time that I've talked to him before. It was this first time that I called him out of impulse, a moment of weakness and knowing that God wanted me to wait till I got back to the US and in a stable mindset.

After that I let it go, didn't want to beat myself up for it, didn't want to waste my time hating him, didn't want to harp on it. I saw his email later that day. He said that he's glad we didn't get back together, we have different beliefs and he didn't really treat me well when we were together. He said he was selfish and didn't look out for my best interests...AMEN! wow I was so surprised at how well he summarized it all. I was glad that he realized what he did wrong, and it was a little sad that we had to get off the phone very angry the night before only for him to take it all back a few hours later. I guess I felt vindicated.

But then later on when I returned to the US, I started up the entire exchange all over again. On the first night that I was home, I was super jet lagged and couldn't fall asleep, so I txt him Ahh around midnight. I think I fell asleep for a few hours only to awake to my phone buzzing softly. It was 4am and he wrote back, I was surprised that he responded, asked why he was up. He said he had to go to the bathroom. Wasn't that he was lying awake at 4 in the morning pining away for me, oh well. Then I said I was jetlagged, so he called. We talked for almost 2 hours till it was time for him to go to work at the hospital. Then after that, he texted me to say he was happy we talked, and then asked if we could talk again on Friday.

He ended up texting me on Thursday and asking if we could talk, and I said sure not really sure what to expect. I've become very much one those just go and see type of person. The conversations did make me happy because it was nice to talk to him and tell him about my travels and what I'd been doing. We caught up on a lot of life in those next few days.

I was sleeping around 6PM, and his text around 9PM woke me up. We talked till I was dead tired about a lot of different things. But mainly he said he didn't want to give up on this, and that he still wanted to get back together. That he changed, and he wanted to really give this a chance, and that he really thinks we are the best for each other. That we have something special. I have to admit when I first heard it all, I was impressed at how well thought out it all was, and how much passion he had with all of it. It was exactly what I wanted...he was fighting for us, and making a case for why we should stay together. No matter how much I argued against it or how much I felt as if it was wrong for us to be together he was patient and gave really good reasons for why we should stay together. But I couldn't help how I felt and I wasn't going to deny the reality of things. We still weren't right for each other.

Friday was an incredibly early and long day for me, I woke up at 3am drove down to Maryland for our office's All Hands Meeting, presented a quick update on the Boys & Girls Club, then we won in softball. I spoke to one of my team members on the ITT Team, and then we had a bbq at Brian Johnston's house. Alex and I had coffee afterward, spoke about life and love and all that. It was a really good conversation, we're definitely getting a lot closer now and I'm getting along with him a lot better. Then I drove to Christina's. Met up with Jim beforehand to pick up my mail, awkwardly stood in the street. Had a hard time leaving once I saw him. I didn't know what I wanted to see happen. He eventually said I should go probably because he wanted to catch a movie with his friends, so i left. i definitely cried for like 10 seconds before collecting myself and driving to Christina's new apartment, met her dog, hung out with her and Sean for a bit. Then i txt'd jim after he got out of the movies, and he came to homewood. we sat outside coldstones for like 3 hours just talking. it was a really nice night and the people that walked by were really funny. for some reason i really enjoyed just having that time to sit there. sorta reminded me of the time that he and i sat outside Allivia's at Duke during pub crawl or something. we met up at the very end of the night.

then i went back with him and slept over at his apartment. my old apartment. it was so weird being there. it was so sad looking. he had a new roommate, my old room looked so sad. it was so much prettier when i lived there. didn't meet his roommate all weekend. we spent the entire weekend doing what we'd do if we were together, the same things. walking around baltimore. breakfast at blue moon. or rather it was lunch, late lunch. then ice cream by the harbour. then walked back, watched grey's anatomy, then slept for like 12 hours, then sunday farmer's market, had more eggs and coffee and a bergers pie. i had a really good time. don't think it was the best thing to do again but i guess i acted in the moment and just enjoyed myself. no regrets.

after the farmers market, we still talked for a while. somehow the issue of family came up. mine and then his. it was overall a horrible conversation that left me in tears all around. i hate what my mom did. i also hate what his family did to me. it definitely made my palms hurt all throughout the conversation. especially the part about his family. i hate that they dont like me and they dont like our relationship, so i guess it just breaks my heart every time i think about it. i drove back to pa, packed my things, then met David K in philly for late afternoon lunch of noodles, then to the airport for flight to Germany!

Before my flight to germany, jim and I talked again. it wasn't so sad this time, we were pretty happy. then when after I arrived in my hotel and got settled in, i called him on skype again. we've been talking a lot these past couple of days. almost too much i think. i dont want to just sink into our old ways. i dont want to get back together with him! I don't want to have 3 sister in laws. and daughters for kids!!

I also don't want to be married to a non-christian. who is jewish. who celebrates Hanukkah. i don't want that life!! I can't believe how angry I am about this. I hate that I'm even considering all of this. Is it because God wants me to give this a chance? Or am I just being weak and scared? I feel like I've been talking to jim too much lately that I can't hear God's voice anymore. I can't hear and feel Him near me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me!! GOD - I'm HERE!! Please don't forsake me! Please stay close, and forgive me for my sins, for my rashness and impatience. I want to learn and do what's right. I want to have discretion and obey you!! I'm scare, please calm my fears and give me peace. I didn't do the right thing in reopening all of these different channels with him, it was too sudden. I was wrong for not taking him seriously and just using jim as an outlet to have fun, enjoy myself and enjoy the moment. i know that takes away from whatever future I would have with him. I know that in order to really have a future with anyone, I need to be patient and have self control! I need to hold off before entering in to anything and wait for your command. If I were to really listen and obey you Lord, I would've stayed away until you told me to be with him again.

And that's what I'll do, I will wait for you to tell me what to do. I will wait. And listen and learn. Lord you know my heart and you know what's best for me. It's so hard to let go of my flesh and worldly needs. It's so hard to not want to do this on my own. I will continue on and forge ahead, and be good and patient.

But I can't help how I feel.

Dear Lord, I'm going to be honest. I want it to be him. I want him to be the best for me, and grow to be the man that I marry. I want him to love and trust you like I do and more. I want him to pursue your will and want to live his life according to your plan. I want to see you through him and learn from him. Learn about how you want me to live my life. I want to have a good relationship with his family and learn to accept their imperfections. I want so much for them to accept me, and love me.

But whomever I end up with, I want to spend my life with that person pursuing your will for us. Learning to rely on you completely, and spend our lives serving you and your people. Helping others see you through us. Being a light onto the earth. But mostly, I just want to have a good family. I want a family to love one another just as you have loved us.

Lord, I know that you can show him that you exist, and how amazing your love is. And how great it is to have you in his life, and to have all of his sins forgiven. To be freed from the guilt and mistakes. to be capable of having eternal life, and being free to live in this world. To have the confidence to pursue anything in life. To be the most amazing person that he can be. To be fearless. To never be alone in life. But I know that only through Grace can this happen. That you choose for those to enter your kingdom. I just really want it to be him.

I have no idea how to make that happen. There's nothing that I can do except pray. I don't really know what to say to him. I wish he'd go to Church and meet you there. I wish he could find you. or that you'd find him. I wish you'd seek him out and show him. I wish he'd accept you.

I wish he could go to the Gallery Church, because God, I really love that church. I feel like they are such good people there, and they could really minister to him and teach him. I wish he'd do it for himself and not for me. That he would believe in you of his own free will.

Lord, everything about you is so amazing and so remarkable, and yet so complicated and seemingly contradicting sometimes. But that's what I love about you, it's that I know I can spend my entire life pursuing the truth about you and never be completely there. It helps me focus on the journey and the process of getting to know you. Struggling and learning about what's right, and then struggling to do what's right. It's such a long and tedious process sometimes, but it feels so great devoting my life to doing that.

May 24 Munich - Airport Reflections

2010-05-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

5/24 – 10AM Local Time (Munich, Germany)

Initial thoughts of Germany: I land in Munich as the first point of arrival into the country, waiting for a connecting flight in about an hour. German sounds very much like English for some odd reason, probably because they use English words here and there. The airport is impeccably clean.

A few cool things that they have: sectioned off luxury lounges for smokers, bright orange foam beds for people to sleep on, and free coffee and tea machines near every gate – and the coffee is actually delicious!

I got here only to realize that I totally forgot about the adapter situation, had to buy one, a hefty thing with all the universal plug adaptations. Damn Europeans need to exert their uniqueness with different outlet shapes everywhere! I haven’t exchanged any Euros yet, at some point I’ll have to do that. I think that I saw it was 0.70 exchange rates. That was better than when I was in Rome, which it was .67 I think. I bought a bottle of water and it was 3.35 euro!

The flight over was miserable, I was stuck in a middle seat and kept feeling sick. I slept for most of the flight, so that was good! The guy to my left was very gracious in helping me get my luggage up on the storage bin and brought it down for me when we landed. The guy to my right was a total nerd, in the purest sense of a nerd! He had a sheet full of chemical/physics formulas that he stared at for about 2 hours. Then he proceeded to read these research articles; but what made it over the top was the way he ate his food, awkwardly holding his utensils, incapable of opening the plastic wrapping, and dropping the plate in his lap periodically. Anyone could’ve come to that same conclusion with just one look, but I definitely supported my judgment label with irrefutable evidence.

Hanover is spelled with one n in English but in German, it has two n’s. I was wondering why I’ve seen it spelled both ways. I’m starting to wake up now. Some girl on our flight threw up on all over the wall of the hallway to our connecting flight right after we got off the plane. It was pretty gross. Reminded me of this other time that someone I knew threw up all over the wall, it’s weird how high the whole thing starts out and then uniformly distributes downwards.

Oh, but one thing I’m grateful for – no crying babies on my flight! I swear, I think I think it’s an Asian thing to just let you baby cry profusely with regard: Absolutely irresponsible and inconsiderate of others!

April 16 - 28 Reston, VA - Dear jims

2010-04-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

4/16 - 1:42PM - 2:21PM

I'm sorry you're not going to get me back. Not in a few weeks at least. There was a big part of me that was waiting around, hoping and wishing that you'd call and want this again. I wanted to hear you say that you were sorry, and you were wrong. For a few days there, during the first couple of weeks, I would go back to my hotel room every night just wishing you'd be there, waiting for me. Begging me to take you back. I wanted some grand gesture, a fairytale ending, or beginning, however you want to see it. I wanted you to be there with flowers in hand, telling me that I was the only person for you. And you'd fight for me no matter what and you weren't going to give up. The first weekend that I went home, there's was a part of me that wanted you to be there...sitting in my living room waiting for me. I wanted something big, like you talking to my parents, you making the first step reaching out to them to figure out how you could get me back, maybe you'd be there ready to propose and spend your life with me. Maybe you'd say that you couldn't live without me.

But, "I should've known. That I'm not a princess, and this isn't a fairytale. I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This isn't Hollywood. I was a dreamer before you let me down. Now, it's too late for you and your white horse." (Taylor Swift)

So, those moments came and went. Almost as soon as I thought them, I realized that I didn't want that. Even if you had done all that, my answer would still be the same. No. One day we'll both love someone so deeply and passionately that we would never want to give up or let them go. I don't want some grand gesture. Those are nice, but in the end I want someone that loves me unconditionally. Simply. Easily. Forever.

I know what I want, and it's not you. I honestly can't say anything to make things easier. Nothing I say is going to save us from a fall out. Do what you need to to get over this, and if we can survive it, maybe we'll make it out on the other side as friends. But no one can say for sure. I don't want to make the same mistake in the future. I don't regret our time together, but I know that I'm meant for something else than what we had.

From a future friend, be selective and picky of who you give your heart to. Figure out exactly what you want from a soul mate. Timing is everything, if you're not ready to meet your soul mate and commit yourself to another person, then it doesn't matter how amazing the person is. You'll feel like your settling. And you'll find something wrong with the relationship. Have enough courage to find her, find the perfect person for you, not just for right now, but for all time. That fits you perfectly. And when you do, put everything into it. It doesn't have to be crazy or rash, it can be the patient kind of love that you give. But don't ever give up. Fight for it relentlessly because love is worth it. It'll make you into who you are meant to be.

And when you do find her, be prepared to stick it out till the end. Be the man! You will have to think about what's best for her. Every family, every household needs a leader. Sometimes, you'll need to be the leader and lead the relationship. Mold it according to how you want to live. Spend your life learning about her, learning from her, and devoting yourself to make her happy. To let her grow and be herself. Think about your futures together, and grow together. But you are right, you are still young, and you have plenty of time to learn all of this. So take your time, and figure it out.

4/19 - 2:37PM

Some days like today I still can't let you go. I still want to hold on and wish that you could become that person that I described above. I wish you were the right person for me. I wish I could be with you again.Today, I miss how easy everything was between us, how comfortable and happy we were. All the things that we used to do together, I miss them. But when Julia asked me if I saw myself marrying you, the answer is still no. It doesn't change the future that we don't have. sigh. it's so hard.

4/21 - 9:57AM

Things that I have learned about myself in terms of relationships: (haha, according to match.com, my personality test told me this)I am a die-hard romantic, and I must have depth and meaning in my relationships. I like heart-to-heart exchanges that explore personal philosophies, goals, ethical dilemmas, and the meanings behind life. I am emotionally expressive and want my partner to share his or her genuine self with me. I also admire people who make plans and schedules. And I am attracted to a mate with a fixed moral compass. Moreover, for me, love must be embedded in a stable long-term relationship beginning with a march down the aisle. Most important, to balance my imaginative and supple spirit, I gravitate to people who know their own mind, make decisions quickly, focus on one thing at a time and can provide a stable home. And I can be very sensitive to my mate, communicating my emotions clearly and tenderly. It sounds pretty true, I couldn't have written as eloquently, but some of is definitely true. Anyway, now that I'm trying to move on...I have doubts and insecurities. I'm trying to find an apartment, and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be! I don't want to have to live psycho's and I'm not sure what would be good. I have to have faith and ask God to give me really good roommates! It's like everything in life, sometimes you just meet great people. You have no idea how you got to meet them in the first place, you just have to be grateful that God put them in your life.

5:43PM

It sucks that we aren't together. There are so many things that I wish we could've done in the future. I hate that. I think about all the places that I wanted to go with you, how much I wanted to do a service project with you... But now they are just void of you altogether. Well the list wasn't that long, huh? At least we didn't talk about our kids, how many, names, where we'd live, house we'd live in, where we'd get married, who we'd invite...good thing! that'd probably make things more painful.A lot of my friends are getting married or engaged now. Not a lot, but it's definitely starting. And hearing the stories, they are so happy. The pictures are beautiful. Not just appearances, but really beautiful. From inside and out. I want that. I want a beautiful wedding. And a beautiful marriage. This time has definitely taught me so much about myself. I think we would've been happier as friends! I wish we could still travel together and play and climb trees! And explore Baltimore together.

I was in Baltimore this past weekend visiting Seun and Megan. As much as everyone said I looked great and it seemed like I was getting over you, it was still really tough being there. Driving on 83 past the Preston red brick building multiple times. I had a hard time not looking. I almost half expected to just run into you when I walked into Bonaparte by myself for a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant. It was my second time being back in Baltimore single. The first time was for Seun's birthday it was only a week after we broke up, and Seun, Alex and I spent the night dancing after the Duke game. We went out to Canton the only place that I knew had dancing other than the 13th floor. Alex and I drove back to McLean to his house at 2AM in the morning. The exact reverse drive of the night we broke up. I ended up that night in the same room at Susan's house. It was eerie. I didn't think about it for very long. Baltimore still sorta felt like home, I was so familiar with everything. It was really nice to be back.

4/22 1:07PM

This weekend, Julia and Phil are coming to town. I'm excited! We were supposed to host them in Baltimore and then spend some time in DC and get to know Phil. It's no big deal though, I think I'll have a great time with them anyway. Ok, I have to admit this whole writing you thing is a little creepy. Maybe I should stop. I feel like you died and you're my imaginary friend or I'm just writing to someone fake. A fake boyfriend. I don't know if I'll ever send this to you, but I feel like it's a little pathetic. It started with me just writing when I really couldn't help it. Because I really missed you. But now it's gotten to be almost a crutch. I feel like it's not healthy, not going to help me get over you at all.

You know that song Breakeven by the Script. I remember we were sitting in the car with Seun and listening to the song. And we both thought it was really sad. I remember wondering who would be which person if we broke up. I'd like to think that I'm the girl and that you are the guy. but that's mean I don't want either of us to fall to pieces and be torn up by this.

4/26

4/28

Monday night 4/26 was so bad, I think I tried to write something, but instead it was just blank. I felt so weak, and I all wanted was you and talk to you. I wanted that comfort of talking to someone who understood me better than anyone else. In that moment, it felt like it was only you. No one else would understand. I was in so much pain, mostly from my period... and just having doubts about us. I wanted to hear your voice and just feel close to you. I wanted to get on the phone and you'd say that you'd come and see me. And just hold me. And just be with me while I slept.

On Monday I kept thinking about the past weekend and how we spent it in DC exploring the city doing some of my favorite things. Julia, Phil, and Carson came to DC and we spent Saturday together. It was a lot of fun, but I think the fact that it was supposed to be us made me feel periodically sad.

But instead, I just passed out around 7 or so. I prayed to God and asked for strength and protection. I asked God for patience and clarity and strength. I wanted direction. I wanted answers! I also prayed desperately for Jess. I prayed that she'd get a job and that God would bless her and make her happy again.

Last night I talked to Fei about everything, and God really spoke to me. God answered a few questions of mine. Options, if in a few weeks we talk and you realize that you are not the person that I am looking for in life, then that'll be that. We'll be on our way on our separate paths moving on. Simple enough, I think I'm already on that path. It'll hurt and I'll miss you, but I know it's the right thing.

But if you say that you want to have the same life that I do, and that you want to be a child of the Lord and entrust your life in Him and spend your life under the direction of God, then that'll put a spin on things. I want to continue to love you and support you in your decision. If you ask me to wait for you and pray for you, I will do that. I can wait for you to get to that point and I will pray that God brings us together. But that's about all I can do, pray about it. I can't change people and I think that people are brought together by design as Jess said. God made someone perfect for me, I have no idea who that person is. But when I know, I will know. For sure. Just like God spoke to me last night and really said have faith! Be strong, here's how to...and it was clear what the right choice was for me. I don't need to be impatient or scared. If we are meant to be together, we will be. But for now, there's nothing for me to do. I cannot change people, only God can. I will continue to serve the Lord and be myself. To trust and obey Him. nothing else needs to be done. I don't have that anxiety in my heart anymore. I am trusting in the Lord, and it feels great!!

April 21 Reston - no one laughs at God

2010-04-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say, "We've got some bad new, sir"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

April 7 Reston - all the things i wish i could say2

2010-04-07T11:13:00.001-07:00

I see your face in my mind as I drive away, It’s two a.m. Feelin’ like I just lost a friend. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. We know it’s never simple never easy. Never a clean break. People are people and sometimes we change our minds. And sometimes it doesn’t work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

April 7 Reston - all the things i wish i could say

2010-04-07T10:58:00.001-07:00

Somehow Taylor Swift manages to capture everything that i ever felt before. it's perfect...

Holding on, the days drag on. Stupid girl, I should have known...I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. Lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around. Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes. And never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me. Happy endings, now I know Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rearview mirror disappearing now. Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now.

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie, It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see. Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can't, Breathe. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. But it's killing me to see you go after all this time. It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. I see your face in my mind as I drive away, Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.

But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain and its 2am and I’m cursin’ your name. You’re so in love that you act insane and that’s the way I loved you. Breakin’ down and comin’ undone it’s a roller coaster kinda rush. And I never knew I could feel that much. And that’s the way I loved you.

Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye And we caught onto something I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me Were you just kidding? Cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down We almost never speak I dont feel welcome anymore Baby what happened, please tell me?

Cause one second it was perfect, now youre halfway out the door And I stare at the phone, he still hasnt called And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all And you flashback to when he said forever and always Oh, and it rains in your bedroom Everything is wrong It rains when youre here and it rains when you're gone Cause I was there when you said forever and always

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide Like a scared little boy I looked into you're eyes Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure So here's everything coming down to nothing Here's to silence that cuts me to the core Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I dont anymore.

It's past mid February

2009-02-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

I really like stating the obvious, it's a simple statement.

But what hasn't been too simple lately is what God is doing in my life. He is really disciplining me.

David recently wrote me this, and somehow it spoke perfectly to the lessons I'm learning as well:

"Not determining for ourselves what is "best" for us, because I think what separates Christians from others is the personal submission of yourself and your desires to God. Like in my small group, we talked about this, thinking that the first sin ever committed in the world wasn't Eve eating the apple but her deciding for herself that "the fruit of the tree was good." Before that, it had only been God judging things "and He saw that it was good". So it's like who are we to even think that we can judge ANYTHING, you know and that can make a huge difference in our decision-making process. For example, whatever schools I get into, I have to consider them all equally and open-mindedly and REALLY leave it to God to decide for me. For example, if I were choosing between harvard, johns hopkins, and UVA, I, and almost everyone I know, wouldnt even consider UVA. But why? Who am I to discount UVA, am I counting on prestige or rankings, instead of on God? That's very arrogant on my part and a bit dismissive to God. So yeah, that's basically it."

I'm really having trouble submitting to God, and letting go of my own stupid notions. I'm struggling to just let go and have God direct my life. I haven't been very good at listening either. And I think all of this was realized two weekends ago when I was at Fei's church retreat.

After the retreat, I started to question my current relationship and whether it was good in God's eyes. In the bible, it says "do not be unequally yoked with nonchristians." So how does that apply to dating? I can really see how some of our inherent religious values have put a rift in the middle.

I can't shake off this feeling that I'm doing something wrong, and I do feel sad at moments. I can feel myself growing during this pain and sadness. I definitely understand how these moments can really train us to look towards God and look forward to heaven. I'm struggling through this discomfort and confusion, and I may not be an expert at it, and I'm not handling it superbly but I am definitely happy that God is giving me this opportunity to grow and become more disciplined.

As they say in consulting, you just have to be comfortable with discomfort, and be certain of uncertainty. There's really nothing I can do about this uneasy feeling. It's best to strive in it as best I can!

On another note, I had this really jumpy idea yesterday morning. So according to Jason the government is giving a $8000 tax cut for first time home buyers. I called my mom yesterday morning to ask her about it. Since Alexa is heading off to med school, and I will need to find new roommate(s), I really thought about buying a condo or something and then charging rent! I'm looking into it--I think it'll be a really big responsibility and lots of hassle and extra work to keep real estate. And when I leave DC next year or so, I'll probably have to rent it out. It's a lot to think about, but I think it would be really rewarding to invest in something long term like this.

Now that Jim and I have decided to not live together once my lease is up, I think this will help me move forward in my own personal growth. At first when we decided that we weren't living together, I was really sad. It felt like a step backwards in our relationship, and the fact that I was then in Baltimore exacerbated the situation. My immediate reaction was to detach myself to him, to Baltimore, to "normal life" with him. I wanted to return back my own territory. For some reason, I dreaded the every other weekend escapades and then the inevitable goodbyes. And now I'm still feeling really uneasy about it because I feel like some thing has changed in our relationship. And he sees me differently. And there is nothing I can do now. I feel like it's headed down a really bad direction.

I realized that God is really disciplining me. Perhaps I wanted to live with Jim, and all my reasons for it...were things in me that was pushing me to move forward with my life. I wanted to take on my responsibilities, and become more of an adult.

new year..no resolutions

2009-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

i spilled soup on my hand, desk, someone else's lap top, and on the floor today. my hand still hurts. the spill on the floor looked like something else gross. it reminded me of new years eve/midnight.

2009 is here!

Wait December, don't go!

2008-12-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

Only 3 more days left in the year! Eeps. There is always this really destructive or perhaps cleansing part of me that wants to throw out stuff that is no longer of use to me. It's like a premature Spring Cleaning mode that puts me in good graces with the universe. I hate accumulating useless stuff. This past December end, I made an effort to clean out all of my useless make up supplies. I also made an effort to read a lot of my journals from the past.

Coming back to my room in my parents house in PA is always such a switch in mindset. Because somehow, even though I've moved on to working life in DC, my room and its decor has remained stuck in time. It's the anachronistic snapshot of the things forgotten from my past and present. The inexplicable Anne of Green Gables that David Koppstein gave me for my birthday somewhere in middle-high school time period looks brand new. I didn't think I was an Anne of Green Gables kind of girl till I read some of it. Then the violin concertos remind me of how long its been since I touched a bow and strings. The secondhand F. Scott Fitzgerald collection of short stories, compliment of Jason Hwang sits there worn with time, not of my doing, but reminds me of how my friendship with Jason has grown and gotten better since college. Next to that are an eclectic mix of international travel guides from Italy, Europe and China. Then there's The Devil of Charleston, a horrible short story/novel that Peter's mom insisted on buying us after our Charleston ghost tour guided by the Author Rebel Sinclair. I think he and I both got through a chapter or two before admitting she shouldn't quit her day job. It's subtle, but there are so many little things in this room that reminds me of Peter. After we broke up, my mom took the liberty to remove all of his pictures and letters from my room. She thought she cleaned him out of my life. But I knew that the stuffed lion named Commodore was a gift from his aunt Martha when we went to The Biltmore with his yia-yia and aunt. The little flower journal that's next to my Les Miserables is full of pages devoted to the accurate yet not emotionally detached beginnings of a first love that ends in the prologue with So it begins...For Peter. And in my closet sits a shoebox coincidentally labeled "Achieve New Balance" where all of my memories are waiting to explode back into my mind. I remember putting a lot of things into that box, but the only thing I can remember now that sits in the box is another box. I couldn't say for sure what else could be in there. Perhaps pictures? or a necklace? No, I think the necklace was the first thing I gave up. Regardless, the dreadful box hasn't been opened since it was filled and closed the first time. Yet it remains, all of it subtly disguised in my room. Camouflaged to match and agree with the less emotional items such as this yellow smiley face blow up ball that I have no idea when came to reside in my room. The over 3 decades old calculator that my dad passed on to me when I started middle school barely flickers when I hit the on button. It's a battery run calculator. Trusty. I have beer pong balls sitting in a Joe college day flask. Appropriate. I also found these random Leukemia & Lymphoma Society stuffed bears-one dressed in a pink dress with a crown on its head, and the other blue and white with a Yamaka on its head and a blue heart that says shalom sitting in the middle of my desk in a pretty gift box. I was really confused for a split second and then came to the correct conclusion that my mom had donated money to the Leukemia Society and received these stuffed bears. I'm going to stick with the fact that she didn't get to pick them. I didn't have the heart to give them back to her so they just sit there now along with the other awkward and disjointed objects of my life.

Somehow I wish to give some order into this mess of a room. I wanted to clean out the things that no longer pertain to the now me. Get rid of the US History textbook titled "The National Experience" that I somehow came to acquire after 10th grade. Then there is this giant envelope of memories from China this summer that I haven't quite sorted through. And of course, my senior year calendar book that documents every noteworthy event of senior year. It belongs in a row of other calendar books that I've kept since 7th grade. Any one of my high school friends would remember that I'd document my life in an agenda book. I even wrote short vignettes and long journal entries in those agenda books. It was incredibly crucial that I shouldn't lose something so revealing. I guess in so many ways that's how our past remains a part of our present and influences the future.

so stupid...

2008-11-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I fell for that shit. What a sellout! Today was a close replica of last Thanksgiving Weekend...something of feeling like crap, worrying, freaking out, and letting my mind become a total mess. It's so not fair!

It all started with this notion that I'd go and meet Jim's parents. Not really knowing or (bothering to ask) what his intentions were when he asked me on Tuesday. I decided to consider it and even though my gut reaction was to say no, I still decided to give it some time to think over and try to convince myself it'd be a good thing. I took it seriously and asked my parents for advice, really taking in their opinion. They were optimistic and encouraged me to go, saying that it's a very nice gesture and that in order for a relationship to move forward, it's probably best that I'd go and meet them. I agreed.

Then finally, on Wednesday I told him that I would go to his house. And right after he said that his friend Jordan was going to be there too. I was confused. He hadn't mentioned that part before. It took me by surprise, and I wanted to ask why? Or was that the plan all along? Did she make plans with him before, and I was just invited so that I could be judged by 4+1 women in his life? As if 3 sisters and a mom wasn't enough. Now I had to meet this girl has is his "bestfriend" or favorite person of all of college. Wow.

I got off the phone feeling mostly intimidated and nervous by the whole thing. I wasn't mad or jealous. Just really anxious and a little bit confused about his intentions. It was a lot of pressure because I really wanted his family to like me, but didn't want to come off as needing their approval. Either way, it certainly complicated things having another girl there. I just got more and more anxious. Then that afternoon, I go to text him saying that I'm scared about going to see his family, and didn't know if I still wanted to...only to find his text saying that he's happy that I'm going on Friday and that he misses me! I was so happy to find it that I didn't have the heart to text him back saying that I didn't want to go. I held my phone in my hand for a while, thinking what could I possibly say back. I didn't want to mislead him by saying that I'm excited too because I was having second thoughts about going. But I didn't want to make him sad right then. I figured I could talk to him sometime that night.

I woke up the next morning on Thursday to find a Voicemail from midnight saying nothing too important except that he'd call me the next day. I wanted to call him all day to say Happy Thanksgiving, but every time I went to pick up the phone I remembered that he said he'd call. I didn't want to intrude on the traditional family time on Thanksgiving. You never know if people are busy with their families, and since he said that he'd call, I waited patiently. Very patiently. The entire night. But no call ever came.

Which led me to today: I woke up feeling agile, "resilient--I recover quickly", at 7AM. I felt restless. I wanted to call him immediately but knew that it's inappropriate to call people at 7 or 8 in the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited some more. My dad asked me over apple pancakes that I made for us, if I was still going this afternoon. I explained the situation and asked for his opinion. He said that maybe Jordan's bf is going to be there too, and if so, it wouldn't be so appropriate. I said maybe I should just politely defer the answer by saying our car is malfunctioning, which it is...and say that I won't be able to go. And just let it go. I don't care that he doesn't know the real reason why I don't want to go. I just want him and his family to have a happy holiday and not have to be upset or worried. I was so afraid of ruining his holiday and his time with his family that I completely neglected my own happiness and my time with my parents. They could tell that I was being tortured. He said that I should call jim at least to let him know what my hesitation is and just talk about it. So I waited all morning... Until around 11AM...to call. Only to call over and over again. With no answer. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night at midnight.

I started to worry. Here I was thinking all about this stupid going or not going stuff, when in fact what if something bad had happened to him?? My mind started to race. What if he got into an accident? Or was in trouble? He always picks up or calls me back right away. or texts me to say that he'll call me back later. But I kept calling and over an hour there was no response. My heart dropped. Something bad happened. There I was sitting alone in my room, thinking about all the bad things that could've happened. What if he was hurt, in the hospital or even worse, what if he died? Would anyone in his family bother to tell me? How would I possibly find out? Would I go to the funeral? So many questions popped up spontaneously.

I couldn't go downstairs to face my dad because I have no idea what happened to jim, and I had no answer for him. I was stuck in time and space. I couldn't tell my dad that I'd be able to spend the afternoon with him because there was a chance that I'd still go to jim's. A part of me still wanted everything to be ok. I so desperately wanted him to call say that jordan isn't coming or that she and her bf would be there, and that he's been looking forward to this, and that he wanted me there, and I'd say cool! i'll be there!

Finally, my fears of death and despair was assuaged by a text message saying that he was driving and would call me in 40 mins. I was so tired of waiting by then. I waited for over a day for this boy to call me, and all he could muster up was a "call you in 40 mins". Somehow that felt so not enough. Especially because I just went through an entire emotional experience of fear and loss. My mom calls me to ask what my plans are for this afternoon and whether or not she should try to come home early so I can take the unbroken car. She said that she'd try to get off work early if I wanted to go. My parents are so incredibly generous but I felt humiliated with them. I was embarrassed to tell them that this boy that I raved about the night before is basically blowing me off. I have no idea why he couldn't just pick up the phone when he was with his family. I don't understand it. I have no idea what was going on in his mind. I guess I hadn't realized how little I meant compared to those people in his life.

Finally, I got on the phone with him just to find out that he wasn't a bit apologetic for waiting so long to get on the phone with me, and didn't even acknowledge missing a billion of my calls or that he hadn't called yesterday. And to find out that Jordan is going by herself. I couldn't face my fears alone without any type of encouragement from him. I felt so vulnerable. If I were to go, I'd be basically setting myself up to get hurt. He didn't put up much of a fight when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.

It sure made me feel like a silly girl. With my hopes. I'm silly for lying about my dreams, but it was worse to not have dreamt them at all. I've written this off for so long that I shouldn't be so surprised. I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me and ask that he'd explain why it didn't matter nearly enough to him. Why he didn't bother to pick up any of the calls from this morning. Why he didn't call me like he said he would? What changed? Was he mad about something? I had so many questions and I felt so betrayed. Because I felt like I knew him, and I thought better of him. I felt like we were closer than that. I thought I meant more to him. I believed in us. I thought he'd be there for me. Whenever I called, he'd be there.

Only to have all of that thrown in my face. It sure feels like someone just stabbed in a pencil in my leg. I kept calling and calling. Not considering how much it was to hurt my pride in the process, and I could just see him ignoring all of those phone calls. I wondered every time I called, was he in the middle of something or just really angry and feeling hurtful and vengeful. I wouldn't think that he was vengeful type of person. He never ignored my phone calls that many times before just out of spite. So maybe because he's in the middle of something. I told myself that it wasn't anything against me. Just that he was busy. But if he only saw that I had called 30 times, then wouldn't he think that something's really wrong. What's keeping him from calling me back? Apathy? Anger?

I had no answers. Finally, I said to myself. Enough! I've neglected my family enough. It wasn't fair that I was letting some stupid boy drama dictate how badly I was treating my parents. And letting it get in the way of our family time. I hated that I let that happen. So, I took one last glance over at both my cell phones, and left them at home. As we headed out for the afternoon. I was able to reassure myself. And be at peace with my family.

But somehow it was so reminiscent of the past when I used to wonder: was it over? I have a really hard time just letting things go. And being able to get past things like these. I'm pretty bad at getting past problems especially when I really care about someone. I think if this had been earlier on in our relationship, I would've been able to shrug it off. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't call me back for days. There's really nothing that I could do if he died. I guess I'd find out when I did. Someone would eventually tell me. Maybe I'd get it in a Duke email.

I think there's something maternal about it. I know my mom gets really worried about me when she can't reach me. Or when she calls and I don't pick up. Her mind races to imagine all the bad things that could've happened. And then she literally feels the pain of losing me or my dad or knowing that we've been hurt. It's weird. I know I felt that way when my parents would be late coming home when I was little. Back when we didn't have cell phones, I'd sit by the window and worry about them. I'd think about all the different scenarios, and how I'd cope with being an orphan if God forbid they didn't come home. I don't worry about people like that often.

It's almost a curse because boy does it hurt. I get really bad chills all over when I think about bad things. Anyway, this weather is sure getting cold. It's not easy staying warm.

Come to think of it. How funny is that? I think I've paid for in full all the debt that I owe to the relationship gods. I don't deserve any more of this. I know I treated people like crap in similar occasions and prioritizing my family over boys, and ignored my fair share of phone calls. But I was really willing to be different with this one. I was giving it a lot of my good side. But now that this bad side is rearing its ugly head, I can only ask myself how stupid am I? For falling for a boy that couldn't take you more for granted. For double standards. For betrayal. For neglect. For really belittling you and humiliating you in front of your family. For simply letting you down.

I sure feel so stupid.

My World.

2008-11-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

So take a step back. A breath in. Let it out now. Put your chin up. You can do it tiger, you a man now. And in your dream it's time to do the best you can now.

From recent events, I've become incredibly humbled in the process. I'm going to make sure that this is done correctly this time. So I can heal completely. Because we are so fragile yet so resilient in times like these. Despite my efforts to make light of this trying week and all of its tribulations, in truth, I feel disappointed in myself. I'm ready to break myself down, so I can build myself up. I need to be willing to commit to my dreams now.

I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I haven't been "awesome" (as Barney Stinson would called it) at life for a while now. Probably since I started working, I haven't been amazing at anything. And I need a breakthrough. All of the sudden, I'm in a bigger league now and I realize that I'm not cut out for it. And nor am I completely cut out to be in that particular relationship. Yes, that. It stings more than anything but I want to learn from my mistakes in the past. It's always better to end at the first signs of a decline than to see the shit hit the fan in major way and act in ways that are inexcusable.

My rationale: (for the sake of my continued commitment to this discommitment)

This is what you wanted right? How many nights were spent pouring out your guts dummy? It's time to stand up tall. Be on your own. There's no excuse for it. You aint cut out to fill this role and it's time to admit your weakness. Those nights spent aren't lost. They'll remain in your memory. To think back on from time to time. Stay focused now when nothing seems to make sense. Remember back to this moment when you realized that it was not going to end well for both parties involved. And despite your honest efforts to not hurt the other person, both of you will hurt. Like hell. You need to live up to that ad you put out. Otherwise you gonna be accused of false advertising just like the rest of lot. You can't expect others to put you in your place or to build you up. You need to work for your keeps. Drop that baggage and focus on the gold. Sometimes you stubborn as shit. Stubbornness has gotten the best of you. Chalk it up to heredity. But never, and never compromise.

Lets get away..to swim on dolphins

2008-11-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not scared or anxious about this. In fact, today I felt really calm and settled. I felt renewed after a packed yet relaxing weekend, I went to work today excited. I didn't know what the Monday held for me, but I was able to live it thoroughly. I spent the day working. Enjoying the work that I was doing, and not counting down to 5pm. Content in working till 7, I finished the work that I aimed in completing today. And even though I was underdressed for bleak turn in temperature outside, I still felt happy. I wasn't bothered by the long lines at CVS while I waited almost 40 minutes for what usually takes 15 minutes to pick-up.

Then as I walked uphill on Connecticut Ave with the wind blowing mercilessly against me, I was inspired to pick up dinner. Despite my earlier-in-the-day intentions of making a chicken pot pie with the remaining ingredients in my fridge, I made a spur of the moment decision to stop at this tacky Italian restaurant and pick up an antipasto salad. I thought back to my last Italian dinner at Amici's in Baltimore, and the delicious antipasto plate that offered a perfect mix of Italian meats-prosciutto and ham, provolone, roasted red bell peppers, artichokes, pickled peppers, and salads. Hoping to replicate that experience, the dinner order I placed turned out to fall exceedingly below to my expectations. But I learned to enjoy it because I had the company of my beloved roommate and Higher Education on TV to add to my dinner experience. Afterward, I was able to start my chicken pot pie for tomorrow. A creamy chicken soup filling for the pot pie.

I spent the little amount of free time today fantasizing about what types of food I will showcase during the Thanksgiving holiday. I took such pleasure in looking up recipes for pies, soups, roasts, and salads. I like that my grandmother is around because I can make more food and not be too terrified of leftovers.

So the at the heart of this happy day, I think I was finally having more motivation to do a good job at the job. I felt no distractions and pure commitment to myself. Getting away this weekend definitely reminded me how happy I am. I really like where I am, and even though Duke was amazingly beautiful with its heaven like atmosphere and perfect weather, I think like anything good in life, it's the people that makes a place home. Even though so many of my friends have moved on after graduation, it's really nice having friends still there to visit. But I can always appreciate the unreal blue skies, and that majestic Chapel that I can't help staring at when I walk by. I'm incredibly grateful that in a small way, I have been able to stay academically associated with Duke.

And aside from the locational visit to Duke, I'm really happy with life. I am so excited to know that our next President will be Mr. Barack Obama because essentially like every other minority in this country, I feel incredibly proud to see an African American elected as President. I'm reminded how incredible this country is and will be. I had forgotten for a really long time. But I have been the recipient of the limitless opportunities that this nation has given me and my family. As first generation (1/2 really) immigrants, we are living the American dream because not very long ago, we didn't have much. But because of the education opportunities that this country provided for my dad and me, we're able to pursue our own academic and career interests. With that comes the freedom to be happy. Freedom from financial burdens and freedom to think freely and pursue happiness. Really. And so, I will always want this country to provide those opportunities for those in need. No matter what socioeconomic sector I belong in, I will always want protection and assistance given to those that need it most. To give everyone the opportunity to pursue the freedoms that I cherish so dearly. No matter how long I stay in a private sector job, my heart will always be with humanitarian pursuits. I know that my passions are in servicing the community, and I would feel lucky to spend a career in non-profit. I will always want to speak up for those that do not have a voice, and provide support and care for those that cannot care for themselves or those that they love.

And even though that sounds so very altruistic, I am not contradicting my egoism values. Because ultimately, I am the recipient of pursuing what appears to be politically democratic and morally egalitarian values. I know that I wouldn't want to live in country if these powerful themes no longer held weight in the people's minds and hearts. I wouldn't want to live in a country so entrenched in distrust, dissension, divisiveness, and apathy that all would act in individual interests without regards to the basic virtues that this nation was built on. This is about hope. It's about believing in change and knowing that we as the nation's future leaders can start making a difference now. I'm incredibly proud to have been apart of this monumental change in American politics.

And so when I say that I'm not scared, I mean it. I believe in the future. What it holds for this nation, this city, the people that I love, and of course me. I am confident that I am in a place that I belong, and I don't want to be anxious about getting to somewhere in the future too quickly. I want to savor every moment that I am given right now. I will train my taste buds and my life living buds to distinguish the subtleties between bliss and joy.

officemates

2008-11-03T12:36:00.000-08:00

Metaphor premise: Coffeemate is made for coffee. It is delicious, creamy and varies in multidimensional flavors that accommodate coffee addicts and coffee virgins alike. Now, I can't decide if it is because of the actual content that contributes to this aura of "made for coffee" or simply because of a well designed brand concept. However, regardless of all that fluff I concur with anyone who claims that coffeemate is made for coffee. Now you cannot, by any means, use coffeemate for anything else. It does not become a glass milk under any circumstance! Nor will it go well with cereal, eggs, or baking. Period. No exceptions. Coffeemate is meant for coffee.

Real world relevance: Are then officemates only made for the office too?
What if some how during the process of working together, you also get to know one another? And then once you know this person, you begin to like him/her (no specifics here)? Does the officemate transfer well to a lunchmate, or dinnermate (it rhymes with dinnerdate!), or what about then a roommate, tennismate, playmate.... or simply a mate. The mate.

Personal spin: I write off so many people if the answer were to be consistent with my coffee mate analysis. Deloitte is one of the largest professional services firm in the world. It is well known according to Wikipedia as one of the Big Four Accounting Firms, and certainly with a number such as 165,000 employees all around the world, I am not setting myself up for good odds.

Rewind to trigger: What really triggered this entirely useless mental exercise and unconventional style of introspection is a sequence of completely unrelated events bound by a single common denominator: work. Saturday night: I went out to dinner with a colleague, who I would much rather prefer to call friend because she is probably my favorite Business Analysts in my start class. I got to finally meet her boyfriend on Saturday; it is always nice to put a face with the stories. This colleague and I have never been short of stories to tell one another, and so much that it feels like we've always known each other.

Last week: I asked another workmate about great places to go to in North Carolina. we shared in the duke vs. unc rivalry and talked about what we missed and didn't miss of the good ole south. shared experiences often make for good conversations. after we made some tentative plans of meeting up in NC next weekend, i remembered how I almost went to an orioles game with him.

Since the start of project: my SC is pretty great. we share a similar cultural background and intriguing conversations about politics and society.Then of course, the recurring run-ins: the water cooler guy. I have no idea what his name is. but he is certainly easy on the eyes.

And then today: I work out of the 12th st. office along which the entire hallways are semi-open cubicles for administrative/secretarial position type people. They are great to know because they can help you with just about anything. Hoteling, restaurant selections, expense reports, mailing supplies, nearest restroom/coffee room/elevators...all of the essentials to familiarizing yourself to a building.

Now, there is this guy who I'd guess is about mid to late 20's. So, young. Has Lee as his last name; sits along the hallway and has his name painted in one of those tacky asian watercolor art drawings done by asian burnout artists on the streets of new york. But, this guy looks ethnically African American. I don't find many black men attractive. nothing racisit about it really, it's only because I wasn't friends with many growing up. But i will agree with anyone that says will smith, denzel Washington, and of course one of my few black guy friends growing up, Joe Mponzi attractive. anyway, back to this secretary guy. every time I walked by, I could not turn my eyes away from him. not because he was incredibly gorgeous or anything, but mainly because I was inquisitive. i wanted to know his story. does he have an Asian heritage? and is that why is so good looking? After walking by his cubicle, to get to the bathroom, coffee room, elevators...etc. etc., (never deliberately, of course) I finally worked up the guts to talk to him.

Workmates or colleagues or just people who work in your office are quite fun. For now though, I will have to remain with my original conviction that they are meant for work. It's great sharing a cup of coffee on break with a workmate during work hours. It's really nice hearing about some one's life too. But had I overstepped my boundaries and asked this secretary guy on a date, it would have been disastrous. If things didn't go well, he could tell all the other secretaries and they'd all boycott me and refuse to give me directions around the building!

Conclusion: So work and coffee do belong in the same category in regards to mates!

Shutter/shudder = homonyms

2008-11-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

The temperature is a perfect 74 degrees. the sun is just right in most areas of the city. the few clouds in the sky remind you that the blue is real and not painted on in one single stroke. Yet, why am I'm shuddering? Shuddering out of being cold. Or the thought of being cold? Goosebumps slowly form on my arms. palms are getting sweaty and sore. the soreness described as a unique phenomenon of your brain's inability to process a hurting heart. So the parallel neurons and sensors to the organ send signals from your heart to the brain that get interpreted as palms or arms hurting.

I am being a shutter. As in a person or thing that shuts. Other people out in this case. rather just one. I'm getting chills down my back and making myself sick to the stomach because in truth, I lied. I lied about it being OK. at the time, I didn't yet know what i really want. but i knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to be that person. i dont want to be the one to bend the pieces so they fit. Like they were meant for it. Because if they weren't made for it, then they weren't made for it.

STRUGGLE!

2008-10-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

This week has been the longest week ever! It is only Tuesday.

I HATE having nothing to do at work. I hate it. I hate making empty goals of grandeur to change the face of america, one military treatment facility at a time. It's so empty and pointless when I'm given nothing to do.

The greatest thing I've done this week that I'm proud to take ownership of is probably my facebook event titled picnic in a forest. How pathetic is that?

These are the times that strength of character shines through. In these moments of monotony and boredom it is when true heroes stand out. And I am totally failing at present. I need that giant kick in the ass to push me to do something great.

I look around me and get stuck in the status quo around me. Then we watch and wait, And do nothing but sigh And hope everything is gonna turn out right...But I don't know if it'll be alright (Joshua Radin).

Wonjun would say: Stop bitching and start living!!

Seeing as how it's midnight, can't do much living tonight. Will begin tomorrow. I will say something happy though. Pandora and I have been getting along really well. It knows exactly what I like and what I want. I love it! Secondhand Serenade sounds exactly like Dashboard Confessionals. Your call.

It gets me through some really tough times that I've gone through these past 48 hrs of pure boredom. Ha! recent favs--Jimmy eat world:Sundown; Brand New: Soco Amaretto.

if you smile enough, you'll be happy

2008-10-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

I think it's just a rut. When I went to visit Jim, I thought it'd be great because we'd finally get to see each other and put the past couple of bad days behind us. But instead, I was just exhausted and unwilling to lower my expectations. I held on to waiting for something telling to happen. Wishing for a sign of approval from God, or divine inspiration saying that I made the right choice in giving this thing another go. I wanted so badly to be proven wrong about all the bad things I had thought and said of him

But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.

The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!

It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.

To boys of all ages:

2008-10-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

For future reference, when you screw up and make a girl sad, the fastest and easiest way to make things better is to
a) drive as fast as you can to her house, give her a big hug and apologize in person

b) if that's not possible, buy her roses and send it to her and apologize
c) don't bother and just give up

Do NOT think:
Most girls have way too high expectations for guys because of all the perfect men they see in chick flick/ Chinese soap operas.

I don't care what your problem is, just drop all of your shit and drive your freakin' butt down to DC to see me. Why? Because it'll make things so much better. I'll forgive you once I've seen you. And it shows that you actually care. And that I matter to you. Words are just words. You can't have it for dinner, and you can't go out and buy things with it. It doesn't quite put you to bed at night.

And recognize a good thing when you have it. Learn to treasure it in your mind and your heart. If it really means as much as you say or think it does, then be willing to live up to your words. So, I'll set an example. I care about this current relationship. I want things to just get better and for us to be happy again. Regardless of what it holds for us in the future and how badly it'll hurt when it ends.

I'll show up. Set example. Show him that I really care about this. Because I want to make it work, for now. And then leave it at that. He can do whatever he wants with that afterwards.

Can you tell that I'm a bit annoyed?

Faith

2008-09-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

What is it and how to get it? And once we have it, how do we keep it?

Faith has always been a personal thing. I don't know how theologians, philosophers, religious leaders, or anyone else that might be important in this realm, have defined faith. But I know that it's something that I often rely on, completely. Sadly though, it is also one thing that I lose sight of in times of complacency.

I can't begin to define what faith is to me without first describing the times that I have faith first. The single most remarkable leap of faith was when I relied on God to help me through letting go of my first love. I had faith in Him that this was not an end of my only encounter with love, and that I was not making the biggest mistake of my life. I had faith that I was to never regret it. And I had to have faith that I would be in love again. I had to really believe that God had a plan for me through all of this, and that He would deliver me into something that was good.

Other moments of sheer faith is when I embark on something new. Something strange and unfamiliar. I have to rely on my faith in God to know that this is the best thing for me. Whether it was the start of college and meeting new people, choosing my academic focuses, or the time and commitments that I put into servicing the community, all of it was based and rooted on the fact that God would have the power to make something great out of the choices and commitments that I was making. I believed that God would be able to use me in every organization I joined. He would also allow me to make an impacting difference in the the people I encountered.

Because in reality, I have very little talent, skills, or abilities to offer. Not to belittle myself in anyway, or write off my accomplishments over the years. But throughout most of my life, the decisions I made were never because of me. I am no smarter, talented, or better at life than the next person. I can't attribute my intelligence to anything that I've done. Because like most people say, people are born with talent. There's a reason it's called God-given talent.

I can honestly and rationally attribute my educational accomplishments to the family and background that I was born into. (Not something I was responsible for). I would not have had the work ethic and strength in character had I not been born to my parents.

So faith to me is being able to attribute and thank God for all the things that I have today: the people in my life that I was lucky to have met and kept as family, friends, and acquaintances. I have faith that they were put in my life for a reason, and that I'd be able to have a positive impact on their lives. My purpose in relationships and friendships is to bring happiness into their lives. And somehow in ways that I cannot even begin to grasp, I will bring light onto Him and show them the goodness of God.

Keeping faith is something that I have struggled with for a very long. And I know that it will be an inevitable journey that I will go through till my time is done here. I keep my faith in God because when it comes down to the core, I know myself. I am getting to know myself more and more as I grow up.

The honest truth is this: I am a very selfish person. I dislike people underneath it all. I dislike myself too. I get easily scared. I'm insecure. I have trouble persevering in tough times. I give up easily. I am lazy. I get envious and jealous of others. I lust after things that don't belong to me. I am shallow. I judge people. I think badly of those that seem less than me. I think badly of those that are better than me. I feel small.

BUT, with God: I am generous and giving. I give my time and efforts graciously to those that are in need. I like kids and I like the old people. I care about people. I hurt when I hear about their sufferings, and I rejoice in their times of happiness. I commiserate and sympathize with others easily. I focus on myself and how I can improve in my life. And I remain stable and confidant in my abilities. So with faith, I am a remarkable person.

I have the ability to build great nations and create impacting changed in our world. God has put me on a path that is in the making of something incredible. I have the potential to be a leader, a revolutionary... a hero...only with God though. And I don't know if that means in some rural village in Africa, or at an international health organization, or if it's simply in my own household and community. But whatever it is, I will make a lasting impact, change lives, and make the world a better place. It would be such a waste if I forget that and lose my way because I forget to have faith.

So what is Faith? Faith is knowing that we can all be something incredible. Something absolutely beautiful and golden. Someone who shines in a sea of people. We can all be someone's companion, best friend, savior, confidante, and someone who changes the world. It just means that we don't really have the ability to do it on our own. We were given by God the ability to do great things. These talents that we have can only be fully realized once we include God along the way.

I heart Olympics

2008-08-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

I can't stop watching the Olympics. It's absolutely beautiful, especially when they play the national anthems and the Gold Medalist stands up on the podium. They look so proud to be apart of something incredible. I tear up every time I watch it. Especially if its the USA or China gold medalists. It really just makes me want to cry when I see them up there so incredibly proud of everything that they've put into this competition.

On another note, I almost cried last night. I think it was out of frustration and feeling really helpless. I'm in Baltimore today. Since I spend so much time in coffee shops during the week, I figured a coffee shop in Baltimore would be the same as one in DC. That's just what I say, but really it's because I wanted to see Jim too. I took the train up last night, and got to hang out with him. It was really nice for most of the night. And I was really happy. But then it occurred to me that I love him. And it scared the shit out of me. I don't actually know if it's going to stick or not. In fact, I'm not completely sure what love is. But I knew I felt it, and I really really wanted to say it out loud and tell him. That's when things took a horrible turn.

I was terrified that it wouldn't be reciprocated, and that I'd feel incredibly foolish and vulnerable after saying it. So I held it inside, which made things awkward and scary. I told him how vulnerable I felt and he understood that. Because we were getting so close, and things I guess are moving faster than they had been while at Duke. Who's to say what fast or slow is though really? Just like no person is normal, relationships can't be at the right pace for everyone.

Feeling what I felt last night, I realized how horrible it is to be in love. Like my favorite character in Love Actually says to his dad, "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" I love that! he's soo cute. At least what I felt with Peter when I was in love with him was this complete lack of control over my emotions. I was irrational, flighty, inconsistent, scared, and insecure. I felt small because I was terrified of losing him. I was more terrified of the idea of losing him, and so I clung to him because I didn't want to feel pain and loss. I also thought that being in love was some type of promise. Almost an engagement at the time. I locked myself into thinking that this was the last person I would ever love and be loved by. Perhaps because he was my first love.

BUT, actually...hahahha, now that I think about it and how much it hurt to go through that, I feel better. Because I know that I got through it eventually, and what didn't kill me has made me so much stronger. I can't just be afraid of everything and scared to put myself out there. The worst that can possibly happen is that we break up and I move on with my life without him. And I'll meet some other great guy to date and learn more about myself and others.

Settling in

2008-08-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

I heart DC

really, I do. Mostly because living in city allows you to walk everywhere. And walking gives you this sense of belonging to a community. Especially when you become familiar with a certain area, in my case Adams Morgan, Woodley Park, Dupont, etc., the places become apart of you.

One of my favorite places, incidentally where I am now, is this cafe called Tryst. The coffee isn't amazing (like Shade Tree) and haven't yet tried the food, but the atmosphere is incredibly invigorating. The place is always packed with individual people studying or on laptops, groups drinking, couples dating and snuggling--sharing a drink. The corner I usually inhabit is along the back wall, which just about gives me a panoramic view of the entire open area with the bar straight ahead, band area to my right, and a darker ambiance for couples to the left--practically out of my periferral vision. I'm surrounded immediately by others on their laptops and noses in books, so I'm encouraged to be productive rather than wishing I was on date. The jazz band tonight is pretty peppy, and I can't complain about having the Olympics broadcasting right in front of me on TV.

My daily routine is anything but routine. So far the two weeks prior to this one have been vastly different and full of exciting, intense and varying degrees of fun, learning, working hard, and pushing me beyond my limits. This week though, the intensity has settled. Consequently, it has allowed me to go jogging for over 1 hr on both Monday and Tuesday. And today, I was able to finally attend a yoga class right here in Adams Morgan. It was perfect! Small, intimate, intermediate level, and a good mix of what I like. Not too much of the spiritual and mind stuff to conflict with my religion, and none of the intense balancing poses that I abhor. A lot of flow and stance poses that help with alignment, and definitely a good time for me to relax and destress from my day at work.

I was also able to cook dinner for the first time in DC. I made linguine with pomodoro pesto sauce. Perhaps even enough to bring to work tomorrow! This week is half way done, and I think I'm definitely settling in to DC. I can't wait till this weekend because I'll have the opportunity to show off my surroundings and the fun places I frequent, host dinners, drink wine, relax and be merry! I think that's the best part about living in DC--having everything so close and accessible. It definitely attacts friends who live out of town and makes me a bit more popular.

last day at home

2008-07-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have these spurts when I really want to write about something, but then afterwards, I forget what exactly I wanted to say, and I think some type of distractions come along. The best written entries are those during the exact moment when I feel that emotion or when I'm going through something extraordinary or interesting. Retrospect entries are often a bit too jaded, feigned, or romanticized.

I'll attempt to keep all of those out of this one:

While China feels like forever ago, I think it has strengthened me mentally and emotionally. I'm choosing to only remember the good stuff. Like Lijiang: horseback riding, biking, beautiful lake we found by accident, hot pot of ribs, bargaining for cowboy hats; Shanghai: Moganshan, Art District #50, Y+ yoga, Paul, and Tianzifang. Harbin: Sunrise Island, amusement parks, time with the fam.

time really flew by during these past two weeks home. I realized last night during a sleepy conversation that this was it. At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I'm growing up and moving out of my house. And the concept of home has greatly shifted for me. But I really don't feel sad whatsoever.

I admit I'm very wide-eyed and optimistic right now. I think that everything will be great because I have my friends in DC that provide social support for me. I'm going to be living with one of my best friends from college. I have my parents just a couple hours away, close enough to go home any weekend just about. I like this boy and he likes me. I have a great job that will take me to where I want to be in life. What else could I possibly ask for?

But truth is, maybe work will be incredibly hard. And I might not be amazing at it at first. I won't have too much time for friends or family. So those are always of concern.

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Actually, here another concern that I have: A recent thought was in terms of responding to these ridiculous accusations, romantic webs and tangles that I get myself in. I'm not 15 anymore, and stupid high school musicals make me gag. But somehow, I did get voted most dramatic for apo superlatives. What does that mean?

In the past year or so, I've managed to have one of the worst couple of months of my life after a really hard breakup. That wasn't exaggerated, it just happened. But then afterwards, I get accused by some stupid girl for trying to befriend her in order to keep tabs on Peter. She said that I got close her after our breakup because I wanted to keep track of the girls that were closest to him, and also to know what was going on in his life. That was the last thing I wanted. I hated the mention of his name, I didn't want to know how or what he was doing, and I definitely didn't want to keep him from dating other girls. After that, she really couldn't have the nerve to speak to me again. How does that happen?

Then a couple months later, I somehow breakup this guy who left west point to stay with his girlfriend of two years. He does these crazy things to try to get my attention, and makes up a whole relationship we never had. Then tells me before he leaves duke how much he likes me, etc etc, only to write me this incredibly lengthy email listing out his sins, transgressions, mistakes, and regrets a month later. It implicates me as an accomplice, but frankly I don't feel guilty at all.

Finally, it brings me to yesterday when another girl who i didn't know too well emails me accusing me of having some romantic side relationship with her current boyfriend. She thinks she came between him and me when they first started dating. And was suspicious of my intentions to befriend her.

Honestly, I wanted to just scream. Where the hell do these people get off for blaming me and misinterpreting my intentions of merely wanting to make new friends???

I think it all came from the fact I had this kick in the butt senior year that made me realize I had been really stagnant in terms of making new friends and getting to know people better when I was dating peter. So, despite all the pruning of friendship trees and clinging to the familiar that happened senior year, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and really get to know new people. But little did I know, it got me all these false accusations. I guess the world really has gone to hell. You can't simply make friends for the sake of making friends. And ask about how their lives are without ulterior selfish motivations. You can't be concerned for their wellbeing, or ask about how their lives are and really care about them without wanting to be romantically involved with them or their boyfriends.

Did I really ask for it by trying to be considerate and selfless? Maybe I'm still not that pure egoist that I was hoping to be after Dr. Gary Hull's class.

I remember how someone once said, everything boils down to sex. apparently that's been proven true. How sad.

Happy Independence, America!

2008-07-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

Boy, is it really really hot. Sitting in this 90 degree/feels like 104 weather with no air conditioning trying to write up some of the research proposals for this trip. But honestly, I am just about to go and jump into a lake somewhere. It's this haze that has me under a spell. I haven't seen the sun once since in Beijing, and yet the 70% humidity and heat drains every bit of my energy.

I'm about just about a little over a week from being done with China altogether, and I guess eventually some reflections are in order. I'm not sure how to really sum it all up. There weren't any big epiphanies this time, but I think life is pretty great right now. In short, I got to see some really beautiful places (Lijiang) and visit some of my favorite relatives. Meet some new people, understand the different realities we live in, and attempt to understand how life really works in different places.

I went to Wang Fu Jing yesterday, it this giant mall complex which has way too much name brand stores for me to handle. I sat in a Starbucks, sipping my venti coffee frappuccino wondering if what's so great about this lifestyle. I'm about to start a new chapter of my life: adulthood or rather workinghood. And yet all I could see in front of me are the people walking by Starbucks. Man, there are so many of them. The market here is so different and so much more complex than I had imagined. I keep thinking I'd have an advantage if I were ever to take a business to market here in China, but it hit me: I have no idea. I am just as much an American as anyone else in America. I feel intimidate by some of the people here in China because I don't feel as smart and educated about my surroundings. Simple things such as where geographically places are located, road signs, menus, etc are all a bit foreign to me. I'm sure if I lived here long enough, I'd learn to navigate more easily. I feel older and yet so wide-eyed and naive.

I'd like to think that my next stage in life will be exciting--challenging but really fun and interesting. I really hope that I'll be able to do a good job. Curiosity, passion, thirst, and perseverance will get me through anything. I have to be willing to put in the long hours of hard work and go beyond what's expected of me. The time and effort that others aren't willing to put in, I have to. Go that extra mile or even extra 10 miles.

A New List of My Favorite Things

2008-05-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Cheese fries. Sleep. Secrets. Stories. Or just facts. People watching. Midnight walks on the beach. Blueberry ricotta minipies. Juno. Flippies. Whiskey sour. Med-rare steaks. Raspberry ice cream. Sunrise yoga. High school memories. French pedicures. Tropical sun block. Brenner. Lost. Dim sum. Commandeering Baldwin. Rollercoasters. Kicking ass at beer pong. Boys with accents. Pina coladas. Hiking. Butterfly kisses. Dark chocolate. Duke Gardens. Swimming holes. Back massages. Animal planet. Board games. Dirt.mud.rolling. Mimosas. Nasher brunch. Dimples. Shiny happy fits of rage. Ocean beach sand. Gym.class heroes. China. James.Blunt. Home. How I met your mother. Tree climbing. Waterfall finding. Dancing awkwardly. Curly blond hair. Yorkshire Terriers. Singing along. Third eye blind. Road trips. Finding treasure. Little pudgy kids. The Office. Skinny dipping. Swinging.back.n.forth. falling and not getting hurt. Picnics. Crepes. Beagles. Tapping to my own. Risk.Taboo.Scrabble.