It's past mid February

I really like stating the obvious, it's a simple statement.

But what hasn't been too simple lately is what God is doing in my life. He is really disciplining me.

David recently wrote me this, and somehow it spoke perfectly to the lessons I'm learning as well:

"Not determining for ourselves what is "best" for us, because I think what separates Christians from others is the personal submission of yourself and your desires to God. Like in my small group, we talked about this, thinking that the first sin ever committed in the world wasn't Eve eating the apple but her deciding for herself that "the fruit of the tree was good." Before that, it had only been God judging things "and He saw that it was good". So it's like who are we to even think that we can judge ANYTHING, you know and that can make a huge difference in our decision-making process. For example, whatever schools I get into, I have to consider them all equally and open-mindedly and REALLY leave it to God to decide for me. For example, if I were choosing between harvard, johns hopkins, and UVA, I, and almost everyone I know, wouldnt even consider UVA. But why? Who am I to discount UVA, am I counting on prestige or rankings, instead of on God? That's very arrogant on my part and a bit dismissive to God. So yeah, that's basically it."

I'm really having trouble submitting to God, and letting go of my own stupid notions. I'm struggling to just let go and have God direct my life. I haven't been very good at listening either. And I think all of this was realized two weekends ago when I was at Fei's church retreat.

After the retreat, I started to question my current relationship and whether it was good in God's eyes. In the bible, it says "do not be unequally yoked with nonchristians." So how does that apply to dating? I can really see how some of our inherent religious values have put a rift in the middle.

I can't shake off this feeling that I'm doing something wrong, and I do feel sad at moments. I can feel myself growing during this pain and sadness. I definitely understand how these moments can really train us to look towards God and look forward to heaven. I'm struggling through this discomfort and confusion, and I may not be an expert at it, and I'm not handling it superbly but I am definitely happy that God is giving me this opportunity to grow and become more disciplined.

As they say in consulting, you just have to be comfortable with discomfort, and be certain of uncertainty. There's really nothing I can do about this uneasy feeling. It's best to strive in it as best I can!

On another note, I had this really jumpy idea yesterday morning. So according to Jason the government is giving a $8000 tax cut for first time home buyers. I called my mom yesterday morning to ask her about it. Since Alexa is heading off to med school, and I will need to find new roommate(s), I really thought about buying a condo or something and then charging rent! I'm looking into it--I think it'll be a really big responsibility and lots of hassle and extra work to keep real estate. And when I leave DC next year or so, I'll probably have to rent it out. It's a lot to think about, but I think it would be really rewarding to invest in something long term like this.

Now that Jim and I have decided to not live together once my lease is up, I think this will help me move forward in my own personal growth. At first when we decided that we weren't living together, I was really sad. It felt like a step backwards in our relationship, and the fact that I was then in Baltimore exacerbated the situation. My immediate reaction was to detach myself to him, to Baltimore, to "normal life" with him. I wanted to return back my own territory. For some reason, I dreaded the every other weekend escapades and then the inevitable goodbyes. And now I'm still feeling really uneasy about it because I feel like some thing has changed in our relationship. And he sees me differently. And there is nothing I can do now. I feel like it's headed down a really bad direction.

I realized that God is really disciplining me. Perhaps I wanted to live with Jim, and all my reasons for it...were things in me that was pushing me to move forward with my life. I wanted to take on my responsibilities, and become more of an adult.