Almost went through the entire month of October without a post.
Dear Lord, please continue to teach me, mold me, tear me up and make me the way you want me to be. I don't want to get complacent and I don't want to get lazy. I can feel it...settling back into the comfort zone of complacency. Please! Be with me and push me out of my comfort zone. Teach me to be patient, kind, and faithful.
The good part is that I'm not having those freak out moments of desperation where all I want to do is run backwards to the familiarity of things that I know. I still have sad moments where I think back to the broken relationships. But somehow I think the two are blended in a little bit better now. peter and jim. both very much ex-boyfriends. that i can talk about without wanting to burst into tears. think very holistically and realistically about. I like that.
Just a few days ago, I thought back to junior year spring break. Emerald Isle beach house with about 8-10 people I think. It was warm, we were by the beach, plenty of food, drinks, lots of rooms to play in. And yet I was incredibly unhappy that entire trip. I was miserable. All I wanted to do was mope in a room. I wanted peter to hangout with me. To spend all his time with me in our room and neglect his friends. That was the problem. His friends. I didn't see them as mine. And I didn't feel the same obligation or desire to invest my time in their lives. It all made sense. It was like a light bulb that went on. He was hosting, he wanted to show them a good time, he'd be willing to stay up all night with them just to make sure they were happy. Because he loved them. I'd do the same thing if it were my friends and my beach house and I was the host. I was incredibly needy and clingy. mistakes. I never understood what happened there until a few days ago.
funny how memories like that sort itself out though. i have faith that God has a plan, and in time I will learn all the things that I need to in order to be a good girlfriend and eventually a good wife and then a good mother. it just takes time. I need to be patient and have faith. I also need to be able step back and sometimes it is incredibly painful to grow and learn.
take this weekend for example. i had invited a friend to fly down to Atlanta. I flew her down instead of flying back to baltimore for the weekend. somehow I thought she owed me something for flying her down, and when she didn't seem grateful about it, I was annoyed. I was annoyed with how dependent and sourly she was the entire weekend. I guess its ugly when you see someone in a certain light that you had never noticed before. It sucks because I was so willing to see past all of her imperfections before. But then all of the sudden, I just couldn't get past it. Was it because I had better now?
Did I somehow think that I had better friends? Maybe. That's an unfair comparison. But I felt slighted. and i felt like she took me for granted. all the effort that I put in didn't amount to much and she blamed me for not doing enough. I wanted to scream back and say that she wasn't half the friend that I was to her! What is wrong with me? How could I think that? I just kept picking up all the little annoyances. Every small thing that she didn't do, didn't pick up after herself, or ate without saying thank you, cooked her own apples without offering any to anyone else. Small small things, I picked up on all of it. It made me ugly. It made me feel disgusting. I wanted to stop, I couldn't.
I prayed so hard on the last night to just let go. For God's grace and forgiveness. For me to be forgiven for my sins. And for me to stop being so judgemental and mean.
I honestly felt like I couldn't handle it. I wanted to give up. essentially break up with my friend. haha, who does that? it's not like a romantic relationship where you say, i'm sorry this isn't working out, let's stop dating. you don't typically say that to friends. but i honestly wanted to. it was messed up. that's exactly how I'd feel with jim. that sense of uncontrollable anger, disappointment, hopelessness, and need to give up. unwilling to just let go. i felt slighted. but so much more intensely than a slight. major slightedness. i felt cheated out of what I deserved. i thought I deserved better because of all the investment, effort, commitment, love, prayers, etc...that I put into it. both with the friend and with the relationship with jim. i wanted retribution.
that whole process was very telling. I'm glad God put me through it. Because I realized it was me. it was me all along. i want to be able to handle those situations better in the future whether it's with a friend, boyfriend, or soulmate/lover/husband. eventually it's one of those obstacles that I will have to face over and over again, and I will master it!
I will learn to take disappointment and let downs. And i will learn to accept other people's imperfections. and I will be gentle and meek with it. I will be a simple girl who can see past those things. and still love that person.
One thing I did learn is that sometimes you don't always like the people that you love. And that has to be OK. It has to be something that I need to accept. I might not always like the things they do, say, or think. It doesn't mean I can just break up with them and say sorry this isn't going to work out. And give up on them. I need to work through it with faith! and patience. and not let go. in that moment, it's so easy to throw in the towel. and I sure as heck throw in the towel a lot. I throw it and then try to pick it up immediately and then act as though I didn't throw it in the first place. but it's too late by then. once you throw it, it's really hard to erase the memory of it.
thank you Lord for teaching me that lesson. it is a valuable one. Amen
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dear Lord, thank you for being with me. I am looking for your heart. I want to love you, truly. Please continue to mold me, test me, teach me, love me, and guide me. I want to be your child and I want to listen to you completely. Please teach me to never lose faith in you. And never give up. Even when I want to, and even when things seem impossible, please be with me. There is a part of me that is still torn up and sad and lonely. But I know I’ll make it through if you stay close. So please do. Lord, I ask that you help me establish a good work ethic and not be lazy. Teach me to stay in it and never give up. But not even just not give up, please teach me to embrace life and enjoy it.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
so where am i now?
I think I've caught insominia. And a bit of a cold.
Never had a problem with sleep before. But I haven't slept through the night for 3 days now. I think the stress of life has finally caught up with me. The last week or so, my sleep has gotten to be so counterproductive that my subconscious is now just rejecting it altogether. I sleep with only rem sleep and full cognition of all my dreams and thoughts. I constantly do math problems, re-play gmat questions, and have imaginary conversations with my ex-boyfriend. So now my subconscious has just refused to go into that vicious tortuous cycle. I like doing math problems and gmat verbal questions while I'm awake. It's much more productive and rewarding. And the conversations with jim? I guess I'm just avoiding those altogether. But at some point, I will need to sleep.
Next week I hear about the GSAP sponsorship, and after everything that happened there is a great likelihood that I will not receive the sponsorship. As much as I am emotionally preparing or prepared for the worst of it, it will still be an incredible blow to my ego and a slap in the face for the work that I've done in the last two years. It will be humbling. And I'll feel hurt. I'll tell myself that it's a blessing in disguise and again, surrender my will to God and ask that His will be done. But it will still sting. Like a female dog.
Then there's of course the GMAT. In less than two weeks now. I was never good at standardized testing. It's time to own up to that fact. I think I've been in denial for most of my life. But history has shown: SAT, MCAT, GMAT. They rhyme with "things you suck at". I know.
After that it's onwards to conquering the business school application essays. And the tricky thing about essays is that they are looking for emotional maturity, ability to understand one's strengths and weaknesses, and your future outlook and career goals. I wish I could be completely honest with the admissions directors and say, I'm actually really immature, especially emotionally. I suck at building meaningful relationships, and have failed at some of the most meaningful and significant relationships in my life. I am also not very good at knowing what I want in life. I change how I feel about it constantly. And the only constant that I have is that fact that I can change.
I recently cleaned out my room and saw a letter I wrote to myself in 8th grade about my goals in life: I wanted to go to Stanford University and Johns Hopkins Medical School. Neither of those things happened. Yet.
I am applying to Stanford for business school. So maybe we'll get to that and then one day when I'm 30 I'll go and become a doctor. That thought actually crossed my mind. Seriously. But not the right time to think about this.
I only recently admitted to this fact, but to all those people, which are a lot of my really close friends, in medical school - I am incredibly jealous that you get to study medicine. I ask about it and make people tell me about everything they learn in med school not just because I want to seem considerate and learn about their lives. I actually live vicariously through them. Secretly wishing that I could learn about those things and be in school to be a doctor. I guess I just never wanted it bad enough. There hasn't been anything in my life that I wanted all that badly. No person, no job, career, knowledge, life, nothing.
That's going to change. And change is what I'm good at. I will have passions. And I will define them and go after them relentlessly and never give up. When I find it. When I find my person I will make sure to hold on tight, pursue him, and not let him go. And when I find my profession, my talent, my calling, and my purpose - all in one - I will pursue it with the utmost passion and never let that go.
Maybe I'm just a little slower than others. But at least I know now. Thank you God. I love you. Please grant me some restful sleep though. I miss it.
Never had a problem with sleep before. But I haven't slept through the night for 3 days now. I think the stress of life has finally caught up with me. The last week or so, my sleep has gotten to be so counterproductive that my subconscious is now just rejecting it altogether. I sleep with only rem sleep and full cognition of all my dreams and thoughts. I constantly do math problems, re-play gmat questions, and have imaginary conversations with my ex-boyfriend. So now my subconscious has just refused to go into that vicious tortuous cycle. I like doing math problems and gmat verbal questions while I'm awake. It's much more productive and rewarding. And the conversations with jim? I guess I'm just avoiding those altogether. But at some point, I will need to sleep.
Next week I hear about the GSAP sponsorship, and after everything that happened there is a great likelihood that I will not receive the sponsorship. As much as I am emotionally preparing or prepared for the worst of it, it will still be an incredible blow to my ego and a slap in the face for the work that I've done in the last two years. It will be humbling. And I'll feel hurt. I'll tell myself that it's a blessing in disguise and again, surrender my will to God and ask that His will be done. But it will still sting. Like a female dog.
Then there's of course the GMAT. In less than two weeks now. I was never good at standardized testing. It's time to own up to that fact. I think I've been in denial for most of my life. But history has shown: SAT, MCAT, GMAT. They rhyme with "things you suck at". I know.
After that it's onwards to conquering the business school application essays. And the tricky thing about essays is that they are looking for emotional maturity, ability to understand one's strengths and weaknesses, and your future outlook and career goals. I wish I could be completely honest with the admissions directors and say, I'm actually really immature, especially emotionally. I suck at building meaningful relationships, and have failed at some of the most meaningful and significant relationships in my life. I am also not very good at knowing what I want in life. I change how I feel about it constantly. And the only constant that I have is that fact that I can change.
I recently cleaned out my room and saw a letter I wrote to myself in 8th grade about my goals in life: I wanted to go to Stanford University and Johns Hopkins Medical School. Neither of those things happened. Yet.
I am applying to Stanford for business school. So maybe we'll get to that and then one day when I'm 30 I'll go and become a doctor. That thought actually crossed my mind. Seriously. But not the right time to think about this.
I only recently admitted to this fact, but to all those people, which are a lot of my really close friends, in medical school - I am incredibly jealous that you get to study medicine. I ask about it and make people tell me about everything they learn in med school not just because I want to seem considerate and learn about their lives. I actually live vicariously through them. Secretly wishing that I could learn about those things and be in school to be a doctor. I guess I just never wanted it bad enough. There hasn't been anything in my life that I wanted all that badly. No person, no job, career, knowledge, life, nothing.
That's going to change. And change is what I'm good at. I will have passions. And I will define them and go after them relentlessly and never give up. When I find it. When I find my person I will make sure to hold on tight, pursue him, and not let him go. And when I find my profession, my talent, my calling, and my purpose - all in one - I will pursue it with the utmost passion and never let that go.
Maybe I'm just a little slower than others. But at least I know now. Thank you God. I love you. Please grant me some restful sleep though. I miss it.
Monday, August 2, 2010
one step forward two steps back
I thought I was past the worst of it but God's plan is so mysterious. This weekend was brutal. I sort of expected to have some sort of reverse cultural shock and encounter tough times when returning home. But there were just so many reminders and temptations that made me move backwards. All I wanted to do was call jim this weekend. It was really tough because there were quite a few close calls. I must've typed at least five different text messages on my phone ready to send and then was able to finally hold off on it.
I don't think it's such a good idea to write to him anymore. I started this journal where I would write to him different thoughts and experiences that I was going through. But it's actually pulling me closer to him and I need to move away...
This weekend was such a struggle because I was supposed to take a small step forward. Or so I hoped. There was the opportunity to meet my email friend that I met on the dating website. But I totally chickened out on Saturday afternoon and decided to just lay by the pool and hangout with my parents, and then spent the entire evening sitting in Barnes & Noble just reading everything and anything. Then Sunday, I went to church, didn't love it immediately. But I was crying during the worship and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I almost drove to Jim's house on Sunday afternoon. It was one of those crazy uncontrollable moments. That could've turned out to be a total disaster. Probably a similar repeat of post breakup fight with peter on Easter Sunday 2008. I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster and all I wanted to do was to talk to him, show up at his front door and see him. Say something to make this pain go away. To stop this whole process of moving on. I think that's exactly how I felt last time when I showed up at peter's front door on easter sunday morning, very early in the morning, saw him with a new girl (name I won't mention), but flipped out. I knew I was starting to move on, and I sort of felt myself moving on and I don't really remember all the dates, but it was just around the time when jim and i started seeing each other. i knew i was moving on...but somehow I wanted to cling to the familiar and say to peter...i'm really about to move on now, aren't you going to stop me???
I guess that's sort of what I was feeling on Sunday. But, luckily!! I didn't show up at jim's front door step. I should say, thanks to God's grace. I couldn't have done it alone at all. I am SO weak. If I relied on my own free will and my own stubbornness, then I would've created a fiasco and left things irreparably damaged with jim and probably his entire family.
But instead I just drove to Philadelphia and walked around fiercely. It gave me two giant blisters on my right foot. But I got to let go of that nervous energy. Later that afternoon I was able to talk to seun, which was so comforting. I sat there in my car and cried for a while. This was the worst sob session with another person that I've had in this whole breakup with jim. im surprised. because I honestly thought I was past this whole pathetic sit there and blow snot in my skirt thing.
After that, I collected myself put some water on my face and went to meet jeff for the first time at starbucks. we sat there till from 6:45pm till almost 10:30PM. it was a great talk. i didn't cry or bring up jim's name at all. we talked a lot about our personal and spiritual struggles, and were able to relate a lot on family issues. I'm happy that I didn't totally blow that interaction. It wasn't awkward at all, and I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I wouldn't say that I'm moving on, because I'm not ready to move on. I'm ok with being where I am right now. Which is that I'm grieving and getting over a boy and falling out of love. I don't need to rush it, there's no timeline.
I don't think it's such a good idea to write to him anymore. I started this journal where I would write to him different thoughts and experiences that I was going through. But it's actually pulling me closer to him and I need to move away...
This weekend was such a struggle because I was supposed to take a small step forward. Or so I hoped. There was the opportunity to meet my email friend that I met on the dating website. But I totally chickened out on Saturday afternoon and decided to just lay by the pool and hangout with my parents, and then spent the entire evening sitting in Barnes & Noble just reading everything and anything. Then Sunday, I went to church, didn't love it immediately. But I was crying during the worship and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I almost drove to Jim's house on Sunday afternoon. It was one of those crazy uncontrollable moments. That could've turned out to be a total disaster. Probably a similar repeat of post breakup fight with peter on Easter Sunday 2008. I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster and all I wanted to do was to talk to him, show up at his front door and see him. Say something to make this pain go away. To stop this whole process of moving on. I think that's exactly how I felt last time when I showed up at peter's front door on easter sunday morning, very early in the morning, saw him with a new girl (name I won't mention), but flipped out. I knew I was starting to move on, and I sort of felt myself moving on and I don't really remember all the dates, but it was just around the time when jim and i started seeing each other. i knew i was moving on...but somehow I wanted to cling to the familiar and say to peter...i'm really about to move on now, aren't you going to stop me???
I guess that's sort of what I was feeling on Sunday. But, luckily!! I didn't show up at jim's front door step. I should say, thanks to God's grace. I couldn't have done it alone at all. I am SO weak. If I relied on my own free will and my own stubbornness, then I would've created a fiasco and left things irreparably damaged with jim and probably his entire family.
But instead I just drove to Philadelphia and walked around fiercely. It gave me two giant blisters on my right foot. But I got to let go of that nervous energy. Later that afternoon I was able to talk to seun, which was so comforting. I sat there in my car and cried for a while. This was the worst sob session with another person that I've had in this whole breakup with jim. im surprised. because I honestly thought I was past this whole pathetic sit there and blow snot in my skirt thing.
After that, I collected myself put some water on my face and went to meet jeff for the first time at starbucks. we sat there till from 6:45pm till almost 10:30PM. it was a great talk. i didn't cry or bring up jim's name at all. we talked a lot about our personal and spiritual struggles, and were able to relate a lot on family issues. I'm happy that I didn't totally blow that interaction. It wasn't awkward at all, and I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I wouldn't say that I'm moving on, because I'm not ready to move on. I'm ok with being where I am right now. Which is that I'm grieving and getting over a boy and falling out of love. I don't need to rush it, there's no timeline.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
moving forward
I'm scared. A little bit. I'm learning and healing...but I'm NOT READY!!! And I think God knows that, so I'm just going to pray that He knows what's best and trust in Him to know what to do.
The worst way to get over a boy is to fall into the arms of another. That goes for getting over girls too. I've never done it before, and I'd HATE to start now. I can't exactly expect to lock myself in a closet until I'm completely over jim, and I can't sit here avoiding all new experiences because I'm afraid of moving on. Don't worry I'm not doing that. But I can't help feeling like something in my equilibrium is shifting. I met a person who I really like...as a person.
He's given me hope in the Lord to know that there's nothing wrong with wanting something good. Not too long ago, I remember hearing about a couple where the girl loves the guy because he pushes her to love the Lord. What a remarkable concept! I asked myself, "How come I've never dated a guy that pushes me to want to love the Lord more?? That would be amazing!" Ever since that moment, I've secretly prayed and wanted that so badly. But somehow, I never imagined it being possible. Because no matter how much I demanded or hoped or wanted for a relationship to push me towards something good, it's never really happened to me before.
And then recently, I met someone that believes in that too! Someone who's "goal in life is to obey God's leading in everything he does, regardless of the cost and his own desires". "This means discerning His will step by step, not assuming more than He's revealed, diligently planning but holding loosely to my plans. Obviously this is a lofty goal, and I fail at it every day, but that's what I strive to do. I hope that's your goal as well."
We've been emailing back and forth and it just so happens that he lives really close to where my parents live. I mentioned wanting to find a church to attend while I am going to be living at home in the next few months to study for the GMAT, visiting schools, and applying to school. So given that my return is imminent, he recommended that we set some expectations given the nature of how we met. And he was plain and honest about his intentions.
And then he said something even more remarkable and a completely novel concept to me:
"In relationships (and friendships with women as well) this means it's my role to guard the woman's heart so that her heart and emotions are wrapped up in God and not in any hope for the future with me. If I can't guarantee something will happen (and obviously since I don't know the future, I can't), then I don't want her to expect it and then be let down later. She might be expecting it or placing excessive hope in a possible romantic future by my leading her on either through active flirting or passive ambiguous or lack of communication of intentions. This of course can lead to heartbreak and an emotional distraught state (subsequently requiring time to heal) if it doesn't come to fruition... which it often doesn't. I've been on the wrong end of this. If you want to take the Gospel to this, it happens because hope is placed in something other than Christ - a man or a woman - and that person cannot be God and always come through. Also, we can't predict the future."
In a way, it's sort of funny and every time I read it I chuckle to myself a little bit because it's very chivalrous I suppose. It's a little bit presumptuous and yet, it's incredibly new. I don't know exactly how I feel about it yet, but I've never had anyone tell me that they want to protect my heart. Even if it's that they want to protect all women's hearts. But in particular, some guy doesn't want me liking him because he doesn't know if that's what God wants. I feel like in our society, everyone is dying to get noticed, dying to be loved, dying to find someone to love, and in the case of romance, the more the merrier, and its better to date as many people as you can to figure out what you like and who your compatible with. Most people don't take into the consideration of God's plans or His will. A lot of relationships and marriages are built on this vague concept of "compatibility." When in fact at some point or another, most couples will feel very compatible or incompatible depending on circumstances, location, emotions, influences...the list goes on. We are constantly struggling to find ourselves and be compatible with our own values, how could anyone be expected to be a stable compatible person with someone else? Now of course, a lot of people manage to cope or thrive on these changes in circumstances and remain true to themselves. But I honestly believe that it is almost impossible without a strong belief system and God Himself.
Then there was his whole philosophy on what God give and takes away:
"What He has yet to give, don't assume He will or try to figure it out. What He doesn't give, trust that He knows your needs better than you do. What He takes away was necessary to give something better." Interesting huh?
Finally his opinions on dating was something very well put: "The purpose of dating is to determine marital compatibility. For me, this means three conditions: 1) the man is ready, 2) the woman is ready, 3) the man and woman are compatible" Simple and to the point. No wishy washy dating helps you discover who you are, gives you a chance to be in love, enables you to be really happy with another person...
In a way, I feel a little bit guilty talking to him even though all of this is so great to hear and witness, because I feel like I have the capacity to ruin people. I'm afraid that I'm not healed enough to even know what the right thing to do is, and I wish that I was stronger in my faith to say that I totally believe in those things.
I'm also noticing how lofty I am. At first I was relieved to hear that he didn't expect anything from me. I thanked God for bringing someone so wise and good into my life to be an example. "A light and salt." I'm really grateful that God is giving me real examples of what I've been missing out on. Showing me how different my life could be, and helping me solidify my own beliefs on dating, marriage, faith, and the Gospel.
But then how quickly the heart falls away and how easily tempted we are. I started to feel a sense of insecurity and negative feelings toward what he was saying. A little nagging voice said, "Look, he just doesn't like you and he's trying to be polite by saying don't expect too much. You always fantasize about more than there really is, and you'll never be happy. You've already set up expectations in your mind, don't deny it! You'd be a fool to think that someone that good would actually give you a chance, you're broken and sad. You're 'used goods'!!" I had to literally, yell back SHUT UP! Leave me alone. You have nothing on me. The Lord is my Lord, and I will not be afraid of you. I am brave and I am strong because the Lord is on my side!
I really don't want to make the same mistakes this time!! I'm getting good at breaking up, especially with the extra practice lately. But I'm terrified and really bad at starting anew. I feel like the whole start of my 'relationship' (which was NOT a relationship at all) with jim was a total failure. We used the euphemism that I picked up after hearing Julia say that jim told her we were 'seeing' each other to cover up the lack of purpose, responsibility, and commitment. We wanted to make it a class above "oh we're just hooking up" to seem like respectable college seniors about to graduate.
And yet to this day, it still remains one of the happiest times that I've ever spent with a boy. Because it was easy and fun. It was 'light and airy' I'd say. No responsibilities, no commitments, just a lot of good times, being attracted to each other, most of it was physical, some of the emotional stuff grew later on, but definitely not an eyes wide open relationship. Like they say, It was so wrong and yet it felt so good.
Ugh, it makes me so sick thinking about it. That is not how I was meant to live!!
The worst way to get over a boy is to fall into the arms of another. That goes for getting over girls too. I've never done it before, and I'd HATE to start now. I can't exactly expect to lock myself in a closet until I'm completely over jim, and I can't sit here avoiding all new experiences because I'm afraid of moving on. Don't worry I'm not doing that. But I can't help feeling like something in my equilibrium is shifting. I met a person who I really like...as a person.
He's given me hope in the Lord to know that there's nothing wrong with wanting something good. Not too long ago, I remember hearing about a couple where the girl loves the guy because he pushes her to love the Lord. What a remarkable concept! I asked myself, "How come I've never dated a guy that pushes me to want to love the Lord more?? That would be amazing!" Ever since that moment, I've secretly prayed and wanted that so badly. But somehow, I never imagined it being possible. Because no matter how much I demanded or hoped or wanted for a relationship to push me towards something good, it's never really happened to me before.
And then recently, I met someone that believes in that too! Someone who's "goal in life is to obey God's leading in everything he does, regardless of the cost and his own desires". "This means discerning His will step by step, not assuming more than He's revealed, diligently planning but holding loosely to my plans. Obviously this is a lofty goal, and I fail at it every day, but that's what I strive to do. I hope that's your goal as well."
We've been emailing back and forth and it just so happens that he lives really close to where my parents live. I mentioned wanting to find a church to attend while I am going to be living at home in the next few months to study for the GMAT, visiting schools, and applying to school. So given that my return is imminent, he recommended that we set some expectations given the nature of how we met. And he was plain and honest about his intentions.
And then he said something even more remarkable and a completely novel concept to me:
"In relationships (and friendships with women as well) this means it's my role to guard the woman's heart so that her heart and emotions are wrapped up in God and not in any hope for the future with me. If I can't guarantee something will happen (and obviously since I don't know the future, I can't), then I don't want her to expect it and then be let down later. She might be expecting it or placing excessive hope in a possible romantic future by my leading her on either through active flirting or passive ambiguous or lack of communication of intentions. This of course can lead to heartbreak and an emotional distraught state (subsequently requiring time to heal) if it doesn't come to fruition... which it often doesn't. I've been on the wrong end of this. If you want to take the Gospel to this, it happens because hope is placed in something other than Christ - a man or a woman - and that person cannot be God and always come through. Also, we can't predict the future."
In a way, it's sort of funny and every time I read it I chuckle to myself a little bit because it's very chivalrous I suppose. It's a little bit presumptuous and yet, it's incredibly new. I don't know exactly how I feel about it yet, but I've never had anyone tell me that they want to protect my heart. Even if it's that they want to protect all women's hearts. But in particular, some guy doesn't want me liking him because he doesn't know if that's what God wants. I feel like in our society, everyone is dying to get noticed, dying to be loved, dying to find someone to love, and in the case of romance, the more the merrier, and its better to date as many people as you can to figure out what you like and who your compatible with. Most people don't take into the consideration of God's plans or His will. A lot of relationships and marriages are built on this vague concept of "compatibility." When in fact at some point or another, most couples will feel very compatible or incompatible depending on circumstances, location, emotions, influences...the list goes on. We are constantly struggling to find ourselves and be compatible with our own values, how could anyone be expected to be a stable compatible person with someone else? Now of course, a lot of people manage to cope or thrive on these changes in circumstances and remain true to themselves. But I honestly believe that it is almost impossible without a strong belief system and God Himself.
Then there was his whole philosophy on what God give and takes away:
"What He has yet to give, don't assume He will or try to figure it out. What He doesn't give, trust that He knows your needs better than you do. What He takes away was necessary to give something better." Interesting huh?
Finally his opinions on dating was something very well put: "The purpose of dating is to determine marital compatibility. For me, this means three conditions: 1) the man is ready, 2) the woman is ready, 3) the man and woman are compatible" Simple and to the point. No wishy washy dating helps you discover who you are, gives you a chance to be in love, enables you to be really happy with another person...
In a way, I feel a little bit guilty talking to him even though all of this is so great to hear and witness, because I feel like I have the capacity to ruin people. I'm afraid that I'm not healed enough to even know what the right thing to do is, and I wish that I was stronger in my faith to say that I totally believe in those things.
I'm also noticing how lofty I am. At first I was relieved to hear that he didn't expect anything from me. I thanked God for bringing someone so wise and good into my life to be an example. "A light and salt." I'm really grateful that God is giving me real examples of what I've been missing out on. Showing me how different my life could be, and helping me solidify my own beliefs on dating, marriage, faith, and the Gospel.
But then how quickly the heart falls away and how easily tempted we are. I started to feel a sense of insecurity and negative feelings toward what he was saying. A little nagging voice said, "Look, he just doesn't like you and he's trying to be polite by saying don't expect too much. You always fantasize about more than there really is, and you'll never be happy. You've already set up expectations in your mind, don't deny it! You'd be a fool to think that someone that good would actually give you a chance, you're broken and sad. You're 'used goods'!!" I had to literally, yell back SHUT UP! Leave me alone. You have nothing on me. The Lord is my Lord, and I will not be afraid of you. I am brave and I am strong because the Lord is on my side!
I really don't want to make the same mistakes this time!! I'm getting good at breaking up, especially with the extra practice lately. But I'm terrified and really bad at starting anew. I feel like the whole start of my 'relationship' (which was NOT a relationship at all) with jim was a total failure. We used the euphemism that I picked up after hearing Julia say that jim told her we were 'seeing' each other to cover up the lack of purpose, responsibility, and commitment. We wanted to make it a class above "oh we're just hooking up" to seem like respectable college seniors about to graduate.
And yet to this day, it still remains one of the happiest times that I've ever spent with a boy. Because it was easy and fun. It was 'light and airy' I'd say. No responsibilities, no commitments, just a lot of good times, being attracted to each other, most of it was physical, some of the emotional stuff grew later on, but definitely not an eyes wide open relationship. Like they say, It was so wrong and yet it felt so good.
Ugh, it makes me so sick thinking about it. That is not how I was meant to live!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Something lightish/airy
Ok, so it appears that I am quickly on my way to writing a book, can you tell? I feel like there are just too many thoughts swimming around in my head. Spinning and building on each other like electrons bouncing off of one another to produce electromagnetic energy! hahhaha..is that even the right word?? But nevertheless, I am grateful and smiling that these thoughts come and go, and I seem to have picked up some vague sense of direction and purpose through all this.
I wish I could say it's no big deal, I'm just some silly 24 year old girl who still has tons to learn about relationships, love, life, purpose, God, and whatever else that I dont know that I don't know about. Which by the way, is very much true. But as I am, I take things way too seriously sometimes that needn't be so serious and don't take other things as seriously as I should. This is all again quite vague and useless. But still comforting to say aloud. And write in a blog, I suppose.
Can I just say I'm totally overdramatizing a lot of my emotions because of this book I'm reading? Eat, pray, love. This woman in her mid-thirties, goes through a divorce and then a devastating end to a relationship, is broken and in pieces. She writes about her journey to find herself and learns how to love. I am NOT that woman, and I am NOT going to pretend that I am some broken soul who has lost her way in a midlife crisis bound to suffer through an entire year of pain and sorrow to pull herself out of a deep depression. This is stupid. Yes, I'm sad and lonely at times. Woopdeedoo, of course I'd get sad and lonely. It's because I'm in the freakin' middle of nowhere Germany with barely anyone that I know. No friends nearby, only people who speak broken English. Didn't have air conditioning for the first month and a half, and it's the middle of summer with almost 100 degree weather now. I work long hours with a team that's predominately male, married, not very attractive, not very endearing, and sometimes hard to relate to people. I didn't just lose the one true love of my life, the only person I ever loved, a person I gave myself to, and broke my heart into pieces. That's not how it happened, and I need to start focusing on the reality of the situation. I stopped loving him a while ago. That ended for good. I was more in love with the idea that someone somehow wanted to spend his life with me. It was amusing to me, I was curious, I let it carry on for way too long.
Yes, I made some mistakes. They weren't pretty. I acted in ways that I can only hope to not act with someone that I love and cherish dearly. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. But hey, you know what, people make mistakes. Some people make them twice in a row. Even many times in row. Some people are too stupid to realize that they don't know what they want even though they claim to know what they want. Some people come crawling back and begging for another chance, only to get it and then somehow change their minds. But you know what? I'm gonna let that slide. Honestly I am. Because in the end, it all really just doesn't matter.
What happened happened. Can't change the past. What other bad euphemisms and cliches can I throw into this mix? Sorry. Need to...Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a man now, and in your dream its time to do the best you can now. (Random, but great Gym Class Hero song)
I'd like to pray - hope - trust - and invest effort - into being a good person. To some day be kind, patient, not boastful, not envious, not easily angered, ever faithful, ever true, ever forgiving, and ever hopeful - when I am spending it with the person that I am meant to love forever. I'd like to be this eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, everlasting rock of support and foundation, and always capable to giving my heart and soul to that person. I can only hope and pray!! right now at least. But I do want that! I do, Lord, do you hear me?? I want to be that person. I also want a family. With kids. Lots of kids. Ok, maybe just however many kids you think I can handle God. But I'd like to be a mother some day. Yes. That's settled.
I love thinking about that. Because I'm still young, very much passionate and determined. I know that God will mold me into that if I really trust in Him. I just know it! I can't speed up the process by saying fast forward 10 years please. I can't read into my future and see who I end up with. I can't sit back, relax and just wait till that person shows up on my front door step. I don't have a front doorstep right now anyway, so that wouldn't work. I have to be willing to grow into a person that's deserving of that awesomely cool guy who will push me to love the Lord and see through my insecurities (at times, because let's be honest, I'll always have some insecurities, maybe not as many as I do now, but they'll always be there). I hope that person will be willing to stick it out till the end. Who won't give up on me so easily. But also, I really have to step up and be willing to follow through on my end as well. No more of this whining needy crap when I starting falling for someone. I read somewhere that people get that way when it's an infatuation, not love, built on a shaky foundation that lacks trust and a common mutual goal or a serious future. Hmm...that sounds about right.
I will inevitably have to train myself to see past the immediate present circumstances or whatever else that's bothering me, making me irritable, irrational, crazy and inconsolable. Learn to deal with it. And then move on. Not drag it out like a dead horse, and suck all the love, or whatever you want to call it, from the other person so that they don't even recognize you anymore. I'm sure I wouldn't recognize myself and would be utterly embarrassed if someone video taped or recorded everything I said and did in those moments.
But here's the thing. I'm going to get back that confidence like I always do. And I'm going to be that happy, independent, self-reliant, go-lucky person again real soon. And the tricky part is to not let myself assume that I'm cured. I need to NOT let myself just slip right back into my old ways, find some guy, fall in love, do happy things together, go camping, play at the beach, run around like teenagers and have no responsibilities. And God forbid, if jim changes his mind again, that boy would be him again. I know it could happen, because jim is the perfect boy/best friend for my imaginary teenage love affair. Also, because I'm not holding a grudge. I'm really terrible at holding grudges and I pride myself on forgiving others easily. Myself - not so much. But I'm really trying hard to forgive him for all of it, clean slate, no blame game, no ill-will harboured here, nothing. letting go of the bad karma between me and his family, accepting them entirely for who they are, if our pathes should cross only happy thoughts and positive acts toward them. Getting all of the smart sarcastic comments outa my system. For good. If I should see him, again, only happy thoughts and wishing him all the blessings in the world. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. soon perhaps.
I send him a prayer / a blessing every time I miss him, and surprisingly also every time I get angry/sad/upset/furious. It's the same response: Lord please bless jim and help him through this tough time, be with him and show him that You are full of Grace. help him find peace and happiness. keep him whole, keep him strong, and keep him away from me.
that's it.
Did I mention, I just really don't want to make the same mistakes again? I'd hate for history to keep repeating itself.
I wish I could say it's no big deal, I'm just some silly 24 year old girl who still has tons to learn about relationships, love, life, purpose, God, and whatever else that I dont know that I don't know about. Which by the way, is very much true. But as I am, I take things way too seriously sometimes that needn't be so serious and don't take other things as seriously as I should. This is all again quite vague and useless. But still comforting to say aloud. And write in a blog, I suppose.
Can I just say I'm totally overdramatizing a lot of my emotions because of this book I'm reading? Eat, pray, love. This woman in her mid-thirties, goes through a divorce and then a devastating end to a relationship, is broken and in pieces. She writes about her journey to find herself and learns how to love. I am NOT that woman, and I am NOT going to pretend that I am some broken soul who has lost her way in a midlife crisis bound to suffer through an entire year of pain and sorrow to pull herself out of a deep depression. This is stupid. Yes, I'm sad and lonely at times. Woopdeedoo, of course I'd get sad and lonely. It's because I'm in the freakin' middle of nowhere Germany with barely anyone that I know. No friends nearby, only people who speak broken English. Didn't have air conditioning for the first month and a half, and it's the middle of summer with almost 100 degree weather now. I work long hours with a team that's predominately male, married, not very attractive, not very endearing, and sometimes hard to relate to people. I didn't just lose the one true love of my life, the only person I ever loved, a person I gave myself to, and broke my heart into pieces. That's not how it happened, and I need to start focusing on the reality of the situation. I stopped loving him a while ago. That ended for good. I was more in love with the idea that someone somehow wanted to spend his life with me. It was amusing to me, I was curious, I let it carry on for way too long.
Yes, I made some mistakes. They weren't pretty. I acted in ways that I can only hope to not act with someone that I love and cherish dearly. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. But hey, you know what, people make mistakes. Some people make them twice in a row. Even many times in row. Some people are too stupid to realize that they don't know what they want even though they claim to know what they want. Some people come crawling back and begging for another chance, only to get it and then somehow change their minds. But you know what? I'm gonna let that slide. Honestly I am. Because in the end, it all really just doesn't matter.
What happened happened. Can't change the past. What other bad euphemisms and cliches can I throw into this mix? Sorry. Need to...Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a man now, and in your dream its time to do the best you can now. (Random, but great Gym Class Hero song)
I'd like to pray - hope - trust - and invest effort - into being a good person. To some day be kind, patient, not boastful, not envious, not easily angered, ever faithful, ever true, ever forgiving, and ever hopeful - when I am spending it with the person that I am meant to love forever. I'd like to be this eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, everlasting rock of support and foundation, and always capable to giving my heart and soul to that person. I can only hope and pray!! right now at least. But I do want that! I do, Lord, do you hear me?? I want to be that person. I also want a family. With kids. Lots of kids. Ok, maybe just however many kids you think I can handle God. But I'd like to be a mother some day. Yes. That's settled.
I love thinking about that. Because I'm still young, very much passionate and determined. I know that God will mold me into that if I really trust in Him. I just know it! I can't speed up the process by saying fast forward 10 years please. I can't read into my future and see who I end up with. I can't sit back, relax and just wait till that person shows up on my front door step. I don't have a front doorstep right now anyway, so that wouldn't work. I have to be willing to grow into a person that's deserving of that awesomely cool guy who will push me to love the Lord and see through my insecurities (at times, because let's be honest, I'll always have some insecurities, maybe not as many as I do now, but they'll always be there). I hope that person will be willing to stick it out till the end. Who won't give up on me so easily. But also, I really have to step up and be willing to follow through on my end as well. No more of this whining needy crap when I starting falling for someone. I read somewhere that people get that way when it's an infatuation, not love, built on a shaky foundation that lacks trust and a common mutual goal or a serious future. Hmm...that sounds about right.
I will inevitably have to train myself to see past the immediate present circumstances or whatever else that's bothering me, making me irritable, irrational, crazy and inconsolable. Learn to deal with it. And then move on. Not drag it out like a dead horse, and suck all the love, or whatever you want to call it, from the other person so that they don't even recognize you anymore. I'm sure I wouldn't recognize myself and would be utterly embarrassed if someone video taped or recorded everything I said and did in those moments.
But here's the thing. I'm going to get back that confidence like I always do. And I'm going to be that happy, independent, self-reliant, go-lucky person again real soon. And the tricky part is to not let myself assume that I'm cured. I need to NOT let myself just slip right back into my old ways, find some guy, fall in love, do happy things together, go camping, play at the beach, run around like teenagers and have no responsibilities. And God forbid, if jim changes his mind again, that boy would be him again. I know it could happen, because jim is the perfect boy/best friend for my imaginary teenage love affair. Also, because I'm not holding a grudge. I'm really terrible at holding grudges and I pride myself on forgiving others easily. Myself - not so much. But I'm really trying hard to forgive him for all of it, clean slate, no blame game, no ill-will harboured here, nothing. letting go of the bad karma between me and his family, accepting them entirely for who they are, if our pathes should cross only happy thoughts and positive acts toward them. Getting all of the smart sarcastic comments outa my system. For good. If I should see him, again, only happy thoughts and wishing him all the blessings in the world. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. soon perhaps.
I send him a prayer / a blessing every time I miss him, and surprisingly also every time I get angry/sad/upset/furious. It's the same response: Lord please bless jim and help him through this tough time, be with him and show him that You are full of Grace. help him find peace and happiness. keep him whole, keep him strong, and keep him away from me.
that's it.
Did I mention, I just really don't want to make the same mistakes again? I'd hate for history to keep repeating itself.
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