Only 3 more days left in the year! Eeps. There is always this really destructive or perhaps cleansing part of me that wants to throw out stuff that is no longer of use to me. It's like a premature Spring Cleaning mode that puts me in good graces with the universe. I hate accumulating useless stuff. This past December end, I made an effort to clean out all of my useless make up supplies. I also made an effort to read a lot of my journals from the past.
Coming back to my room in my parents house in PA is always such a switch in mindset. Because somehow, even though I've moved on to working life in DC, my room and its decor has remained stuck in time. It's the anachronistic snapshot of the things forgotten from my past and present. The inexplicable Anne of Green Gables that David Koppstein gave me for my birthday somewhere in middle-high school time period looks brand new. I didn't think I was an Anne of Green Gables kind of girl till I read some of it. Then the violin concertos remind me of how long its been since I touched a bow and strings. The secondhand F. Scott Fitzgerald collection of short stories, compliment of Jason Hwang sits there worn with time, not of my doing, but reminds me of how my friendship with Jason has grown and gotten better since college. Next to that are an eclectic mix of international travel guides from Italy, Europe and China. Then there's The Devil of Charleston, a horrible short story/novel that Peter's mom insisted on buying us after our Charleston ghost tour guided by the Author Rebel Sinclair. I think he and I both got through a chapter or two before admitting she shouldn't quit her day job. It's subtle, but there are so many little things in this room that reminds me of Peter. After we broke up, my mom took the liberty to remove all of his pictures and letters from my room. She thought she cleaned him out of my life. But I knew that the stuffed lion named Commodore was a gift from his aunt Martha when we went to The Biltmore with his yia-yia and aunt. The little flower journal that's next to my Les Miserables is full of pages devoted to the accurate yet not emotionally detached beginnings of a first love that ends in the prologue with So it begins...For Peter. And in my closet sits a shoebox coincidentally labeled "Achieve New Balance" where all of my memories are waiting to explode back into my mind. I remember putting a lot of things into that box, but the only thing I can remember now that sits in the box is another box. I couldn't say for sure what else could be in there. Perhaps pictures? or a necklace? No, I think the necklace was the first thing I gave up. Regardless, the dreadful box hasn't been opened since it was filled and closed the first time. Yet it remains, all of it subtly disguised in my room. Camouflaged to match and agree with the less emotional items such as this yellow smiley face blow up ball that I have no idea when came to reside in my room. The over 3 decades old calculator that my dad passed on to me when I started middle school barely flickers when I hit the on button. It's a battery run calculator. Trusty. I have beer pong balls sitting in a Joe college day flask. Appropriate. I also found these random Leukemia & Lymphoma Society stuffed bears-one dressed in a pink dress with a crown on its head, and the other blue and white with a Yamaka on its head and a blue heart that says shalom sitting in the middle of my desk in a pretty gift box. I was really confused for a split second and then came to the correct conclusion that my mom had donated money to the Leukemia Society and received these stuffed bears. I'm going to stick with the fact that she didn't get to pick them. I didn't have the heart to give them back to her so they just sit there now along with the other awkward and disjointed objects of my life.
Somehow I wish to give some order into this mess of a room. I wanted to clean out the things that no longer pertain to the now me. Get rid of the US History textbook titled "The National Experience" that I somehow came to acquire after 10th grade. Then there is this giant envelope of memories from China this summer that I haven't quite sorted through. And of course, my senior year calendar book that documents every noteworthy event of senior year. It belongs in a row of other calendar books that I've kept since 7th grade. Any one of my high school friends would remember that I'd document my life in an agenda book. I even wrote short vignettes and long journal entries in those agenda books. It was incredibly crucial that I shouldn't lose something so revealing. I guess in so many ways that's how our past remains a part of our present and influences the future.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
so stupid...
I can't believe I fell for that shit. What a sellout! Today was a close replica of last Thanksgiving Weekend...something of feeling like crap, worrying, freaking out, and letting my mind become a total mess. It's so not fair!
It all started with this notion that I'd go and meet Jim's parents. Not really knowing or (bothering to ask) what his intentions were when he asked me on Tuesday. I decided to consider it and even though my gut reaction was to say no, I still decided to give it some time to think over and try to convince myself it'd be a good thing. I took it seriously and asked my parents for advice, really taking in their opinion. They were optimistic and encouraged me to go, saying that it's a very nice gesture and that in order for a relationship to move forward, it's probably best that I'd go and meet them. I agreed.
Then finally, on Wednesday I told him that I would go to his house. And right after he said that his friend Jordan was going to be there too. I was confused. He hadn't mentioned that part before. It took me by surprise, and I wanted to ask why? Or was that the plan all along? Did she make plans with him before, and I was just invited so that I could be judged by 4+1 women in his life? As if 3 sisters and a mom wasn't enough. Now I had to meet this girl has is his "bestfriend" or favorite person of all of college. Wow.
I got off the phone feeling mostly intimidated and nervous by the whole thing. I wasn't mad or jealous. Just really anxious and a little bit confused about his intentions. It was a lot of pressure because I really wanted his family to like me, but didn't want to come off as needing their approval. Either way, it certainly complicated things having another girl there. I just got more and more anxious. Then that afternoon, I go to text him saying that I'm scared about going to see his family, and didn't know if I still wanted to...only to find his text saying that he's happy that I'm going on Friday and that he misses me! I was so happy to find it that I didn't have the heart to text him back saying that I didn't want to go. I held my phone in my hand for a while, thinking what could I possibly say back. I didn't want to mislead him by saying that I'm excited too because I was having second thoughts about going. But I didn't want to make him sad right then. I figured I could talk to him sometime that night.
I woke up the next morning on Thursday to find a Voicemail from midnight saying nothing too important except that he'd call me the next day. I wanted to call him all day to say Happy Thanksgiving, but every time I went to pick up the phone I remembered that he said he'd call. I didn't want to intrude on the traditional family time on Thanksgiving. You never know if people are busy with their families, and since he said that he'd call, I waited patiently. Very patiently. The entire night. But no call ever came.
Which led me to today: I woke up feeling agile, "resilient--I recover quickly", at 7AM. I felt restless. I wanted to call him immediately but knew that it's inappropriate to call people at 7 or 8 in the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited some more. My dad asked me over apple pancakes that I made for us, if I was still going this afternoon. I explained the situation and asked for his opinion. He said that maybe Jordan's bf is going to be there too, and if so, it wouldn't be so appropriate. I said maybe I should just politely defer the answer by saying our car is malfunctioning, which it is...and say that I won't be able to go. And just let it go. I don't care that he doesn't know the real reason why I don't want to go. I just want him and his family to have a happy holiday and not have to be upset or worried. I was so afraid of ruining his holiday and his time with his family that I completely neglected my own happiness and my time with my parents. They could tell that I was being tortured. He said that I should call jim at least to let him know what my hesitation is and just talk about it. So I waited all morning... Until around 11AM...to call. Only to call over and over again. With no answer. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night at midnight.
I started to worry. Here I was thinking all about this stupid going or not going stuff, when in fact what if something bad had happened to him?? My mind started to race. What if he got into an accident? Or was in trouble? He always picks up or calls me back right away. or texts me to say that he'll call me back later. But I kept calling and over an hour there was no response. My heart dropped. Something bad happened. There I was sitting alone in my room, thinking about all the bad things that could've happened. What if he was hurt, in the hospital or even worse, what if he died? Would anyone in his family bother to tell me? How would I possibly find out? Would I go to the funeral? So many questions popped up spontaneously.
I couldn't go downstairs to face my dad because I have no idea what happened to jim, and I had no answer for him. I was stuck in time and space. I couldn't tell my dad that I'd be able to spend the afternoon with him because there was a chance that I'd still go to jim's. A part of me still wanted everything to be ok. I so desperately wanted him to call say that jordan isn't coming or that she and her bf would be there, and that he's been looking forward to this, and that he wanted me there, and I'd say cool! i'll be there!
Finally, my fears of death and despair was assuaged by a text message saying that he was driving and would call me in 40 mins. I was so tired of waiting by then. I waited for over a day for this boy to call me, and all he could muster up was a "call you in 40 mins". Somehow that felt so not enough. Especially because I just went through an entire emotional experience of fear and loss. My mom calls me to ask what my plans are for this afternoon and whether or not she should try to come home early so I can take the unbroken car. She said that she'd try to get off work early if I wanted to go. My parents are so incredibly generous but I felt humiliated with them. I was embarrassed to tell them that this boy that I raved about the night before is basically blowing me off. I have no idea why he couldn't just pick up the phone when he was with his family. I don't understand it. I have no idea what was going on in his mind. I guess I hadn't realized how little I meant compared to those people in his life.
Finally, I got on the phone with him just to find out that he wasn't a bit apologetic for waiting so long to get on the phone with me, and didn't even acknowledge missing a billion of my calls or that he hadn't called yesterday. And to find out that Jordan is going by herself. I couldn't face my fears alone without any type of encouragement from him. I felt so vulnerable. If I were to go, I'd be basically setting myself up to get hurt. He didn't put up much of a fight when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.
It sure made me feel like a silly girl. With my hopes. I'm silly for lying about my dreams, but it was worse to not have dreamt them at all. I've written this off for so long that I shouldn't be so surprised. I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me and ask that he'd explain why it didn't matter nearly enough to him. Why he didn't bother to pick up any of the calls from this morning. Why he didn't call me like he said he would? What changed? Was he mad about something? I had so many questions and I felt so betrayed. Because I felt like I knew him, and I thought better of him. I felt like we were closer than that. I thought I meant more to him. I believed in us. I thought he'd be there for me. Whenever I called, he'd be there.
Only to have all of that thrown in my face. It sure feels like someone just stabbed in a pencil in my leg. I kept calling and calling. Not considering how much it was to hurt my pride in the process, and I could just see him ignoring all of those phone calls. I wondered every time I called, was he in the middle of something or just really angry and feeling hurtful and vengeful. I wouldn't think that he was vengeful type of person. He never ignored my phone calls that many times before just out of spite. So maybe because he's in the middle of something. I told myself that it wasn't anything against me. Just that he was busy. But if he only saw that I had called 30 times, then wouldn't he think that something's really wrong. What's keeping him from calling me back? Apathy? Anger?
I had no answers. Finally, I said to myself. Enough! I've neglected my family enough. It wasn't fair that I was letting some stupid boy drama dictate how badly I was treating my parents. And letting it get in the way of our family time. I hated that I let that happen. So, I took one last glance over at both my cell phones, and left them at home. As we headed out for the afternoon. I was able to reassure myself. And be at peace with my family.
But somehow it was so reminiscent of the past when I used to wonder: was it over? I have a really hard time just letting things go. And being able to get past things like these. I'm pretty bad at getting past problems especially when I really care about someone. I think if this had been earlier on in our relationship, I would've been able to shrug it off. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't call me back for days. There's really nothing that I could do if he died. I guess I'd find out when I did. Someone would eventually tell me. Maybe I'd get it in a Duke email.
I think there's something maternal about it. I know my mom gets really worried about me when she can't reach me. Or when she calls and I don't pick up. Her mind races to imagine all the bad things that could've happened. And then she literally feels the pain of losing me or my dad or knowing that we've been hurt. It's weird. I know I felt that way when my parents would be late coming home when I was little. Back when we didn't have cell phones, I'd sit by the window and worry about them. I'd think about all the different scenarios, and how I'd cope with being an orphan if God forbid they didn't come home. I don't worry about people like that often.
It's almost a curse because boy does it hurt. I get really bad chills all over when I think about bad things. Anyway, this weather is sure getting cold. It's not easy staying warm.
Come to think of it. How funny is that? I think I've paid for in full all the debt that I owe to the relationship gods. I don't deserve any more of this. I know I treated people like crap in similar occasions and prioritizing my family over boys, and ignored my fair share of phone calls. But I was really willing to be different with this one. I was giving it a lot of my good side. But now that this bad side is rearing its ugly head, I can only ask myself how stupid am I? For falling for a boy that couldn't take you more for granted. For double standards. For betrayal. For neglect. For really belittling you and humiliating you in front of your family. For simply letting you down.
I sure feel so stupid.
It all started with this notion that I'd go and meet Jim's parents. Not really knowing or (bothering to ask) what his intentions were when he asked me on Tuesday. I decided to consider it and even though my gut reaction was to say no, I still decided to give it some time to think over and try to convince myself it'd be a good thing. I took it seriously and asked my parents for advice, really taking in their opinion. They were optimistic and encouraged me to go, saying that it's a very nice gesture and that in order for a relationship to move forward, it's probably best that I'd go and meet them. I agreed.
Then finally, on Wednesday I told him that I would go to his house. And right after he said that his friend Jordan was going to be there too. I was confused. He hadn't mentioned that part before. It took me by surprise, and I wanted to ask why? Or was that the plan all along? Did she make plans with him before, and I was just invited so that I could be judged by 4+1 women in his life? As if 3 sisters and a mom wasn't enough. Now I had to meet this girl has is his "bestfriend" or favorite person of all of college. Wow.
I got off the phone feeling mostly intimidated and nervous by the whole thing. I wasn't mad or jealous. Just really anxious and a little bit confused about his intentions. It was a lot of pressure because I really wanted his family to like me, but didn't want to come off as needing their approval. Either way, it certainly complicated things having another girl there. I just got more and more anxious. Then that afternoon, I go to text him saying that I'm scared about going to see his family, and didn't know if I still wanted to...only to find his text saying that he's happy that I'm going on Friday and that he misses me! I was so happy to find it that I didn't have the heart to text him back saying that I didn't want to go. I held my phone in my hand for a while, thinking what could I possibly say back. I didn't want to mislead him by saying that I'm excited too because I was having second thoughts about going. But I didn't want to make him sad right then. I figured I could talk to him sometime that night.
I woke up the next morning on Thursday to find a Voicemail from midnight saying nothing too important except that he'd call me the next day. I wanted to call him all day to say Happy Thanksgiving, but every time I went to pick up the phone I remembered that he said he'd call. I didn't want to intrude on the traditional family time on Thanksgiving. You never know if people are busy with their families, and since he said that he'd call, I waited patiently. Very patiently. The entire night. But no call ever came.
Which led me to today: I woke up feeling agile, "resilient--I recover quickly", at 7AM. I felt restless. I wanted to call him immediately but knew that it's inappropriate to call people at 7 or 8 in the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited some more. My dad asked me over apple pancakes that I made for us, if I was still going this afternoon. I explained the situation and asked for his opinion. He said that maybe Jordan's bf is going to be there too, and if so, it wouldn't be so appropriate. I said maybe I should just politely defer the answer by saying our car is malfunctioning, which it is...and say that I won't be able to go. And just let it go. I don't care that he doesn't know the real reason why I don't want to go. I just want him and his family to have a happy holiday and not have to be upset or worried. I was so afraid of ruining his holiday and his time with his family that I completely neglected my own happiness and my time with my parents. They could tell that I was being tortured. He said that I should call jim at least to let him know what my hesitation is and just talk about it. So I waited all morning... Until around 11AM...to call. Only to call over and over again. With no answer. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night at midnight.
I started to worry. Here I was thinking all about this stupid going or not going stuff, when in fact what if something bad had happened to him?? My mind started to race. What if he got into an accident? Or was in trouble? He always picks up or calls me back right away. or texts me to say that he'll call me back later. But I kept calling and over an hour there was no response. My heart dropped. Something bad happened. There I was sitting alone in my room, thinking about all the bad things that could've happened. What if he was hurt, in the hospital or even worse, what if he died? Would anyone in his family bother to tell me? How would I possibly find out? Would I go to the funeral? So many questions popped up spontaneously.
I couldn't go downstairs to face my dad because I have no idea what happened to jim, and I had no answer for him. I was stuck in time and space. I couldn't tell my dad that I'd be able to spend the afternoon with him because there was a chance that I'd still go to jim's. A part of me still wanted everything to be ok. I so desperately wanted him to call say that jordan isn't coming or that she and her bf would be there, and that he's been looking forward to this, and that he wanted me there, and I'd say cool! i'll be there!
Finally, my fears of death and despair was assuaged by a text message saying that he was driving and would call me in 40 mins. I was so tired of waiting by then. I waited for over a day for this boy to call me, and all he could muster up was a "call you in 40 mins". Somehow that felt so not enough. Especially because I just went through an entire emotional experience of fear and loss. My mom calls me to ask what my plans are for this afternoon and whether or not she should try to come home early so I can take the unbroken car. She said that she'd try to get off work early if I wanted to go. My parents are so incredibly generous but I felt humiliated with them. I was embarrassed to tell them that this boy that I raved about the night before is basically blowing me off. I have no idea why he couldn't just pick up the phone when he was with his family. I don't understand it. I have no idea what was going on in his mind. I guess I hadn't realized how little I meant compared to those people in his life.
Finally, I got on the phone with him just to find out that he wasn't a bit apologetic for waiting so long to get on the phone with me, and didn't even acknowledge missing a billion of my calls or that he hadn't called yesterday. And to find out that Jordan is going by herself. I couldn't face my fears alone without any type of encouragement from him. I felt so vulnerable. If I were to go, I'd be basically setting myself up to get hurt. He didn't put up much of a fight when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.
It sure made me feel like a silly girl. With my hopes. I'm silly for lying about my dreams, but it was worse to not have dreamt them at all. I've written this off for so long that I shouldn't be so surprised. I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me and ask that he'd explain why it didn't matter nearly enough to him. Why he didn't bother to pick up any of the calls from this morning. Why he didn't call me like he said he would? What changed? Was he mad about something? I had so many questions and I felt so betrayed. Because I felt like I knew him, and I thought better of him. I felt like we were closer than that. I thought I meant more to him. I believed in us. I thought he'd be there for me. Whenever I called, he'd be there.
Only to have all of that thrown in my face. It sure feels like someone just stabbed in a pencil in my leg. I kept calling and calling. Not considering how much it was to hurt my pride in the process, and I could just see him ignoring all of those phone calls. I wondered every time I called, was he in the middle of something or just really angry and feeling hurtful and vengeful. I wouldn't think that he was vengeful type of person. He never ignored my phone calls that many times before just out of spite. So maybe because he's in the middle of something. I told myself that it wasn't anything against me. Just that he was busy. But if he only saw that I had called 30 times, then wouldn't he think that something's really wrong. What's keeping him from calling me back? Apathy? Anger?
I had no answers. Finally, I said to myself. Enough! I've neglected my family enough. It wasn't fair that I was letting some stupid boy drama dictate how badly I was treating my parents. And letting it get in the way of our family time. I hated that I let that happen. So, I took one last glance over at both my cell phones, and left them at home. As we headed out for the afternoon. I was able to reassure myself. And be at peace with my family.
But somehow it was so reminiscent of the past when I used to wonder: was it over? I have a really hard time just letting things go. And being able to get past things like these. I'm pretty bad at getting past problems especially when I really care about someone. I think if this had been earlier on in our relationship, I would've been able to shrug it off. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't call me back for days. There's really nothing that I could do if he died. I guess I'd find out when I did. Someone would eventually tell me. Maybe I'd get it in a Duke email.
I think there's something maternal about it. I know my mom gets really worried about me when she can't reach me. Or when she calls and I don't pick up. Her mind races to imagine all the bad things that could've happened. And then she literally feels the pain of losing me or my dad or knowing that we've been hurt. It's weird. I know I felt that way when my parents would be late coming home when I was little. Back when we didn't have cell phones, I'd sit by the window and worry about them. I'd think about all the different scenarios, and how I'd cope with being an orphan if God forbid they didn't come home. I don't worry about people like that often.
It's almost a curse because boy does it hurt. I get really bad chills all over when I think about bad things. Anyway, this weather is sure getting cold. It's not easy staying warm.
Come to think of it. How funny is that? I think I've paid for in full all the debt that I owe to the relationship gods. I don't deserve any more of this. I know I treated people like crap in similar occasions and prioritizing my family over boys, and ignored my fair share of phone calls. But I was really willing to be different with this one. I was giving it a lot of my good side. But now that this bad side is rearing its ugly head, I can only ask myself how stupid am I? For falling for a boy that couldn't take you more for granted. For double standards. For betrayal. For neglect. For really belittling you and humiliating you in front of your family. For simply letting you down.
I sure feel so stupid.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
My World.
So take a step back. A breath in. Let it out now. Put your chin up. You can do it tiger, you a man now. And in your dream it's time to do the best you can now.
From recent events, I've become incredibly humbled in the process. I'm going to make sure that this is done correctly this time. So I can heal completely. Because we are so fragile yet so resilient in times like these. Despite my efforts to make light of this trying week and all of its tribulations, in truth, I feel disappointed in myself. I'm ready to break myself down, so I can build myself up. I need to be willing to commit to my dreams now.
I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I haven't been "awesome" (as Barney Stinson would called it) at life for a while now. Probably since I started working, I haven't been amazing at anything. And I need a breakthrough. All of the sudden, I'm in a bigger league now and I realize that I'm not cut out for it. And nor am I completely cut out to be in that particular relationship. Yes, that. It stings more than anything but I want to learn from my mistakes in the past. It's always better to end at the first signs of a decline than to see the shit hit the fan in major way and act in ways that are inexcusable.
My rationale: (for the sake of my continued commitment to this discommitment)
This is what you wanted right? How many nights were spent pouring out your guts dummy? It's time to stand up tall. Be on your own. There's no excuse for it. You aint cut out to fill this role and it's time to admit your weakness. Those nights spent aren't lost. They'll remain in your memory. To think back on from time to time. Stay focused now when nothing seems to make sense. Remember back to this moment when you realized that it was not going to end well for both parties involved. And despite your honest efforts to not hurt the other person, both of you will hurt. Like hell. You need to live up to that ad you put out. Otherwise you gonna be accused of false advertising just like the rest of lot. You can't expect others to put you in your place or to build you up. You need to work for your keeps. Drop that baggage and focus on the gold. Sometimes you stubborn as shit. Stubbornness has gotten the best of you. Chalk it up to heredity. But never, and never compromise.
From recent events, I've become incredibly humbled in the process. I'm going to make sure that this is done correctly this time. So I can heal completely. Because we are so fragile yet so resilient in times like these. Despite my efforts to make light of this trying week and all of its tribulations, in truth, I feel disappointed in myself. I'm ready to break myself down, so I can build myself up. I need to be willing to commit to my dreams now.
I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I haven't been "awesome" (as Barney Stinson would called it) at life for a while now. Probably since I started working, I haven't been amazing at anything. And I need a breakthrough. All of the sudden, I'm in a bigger league now and I realize that I'm not cut out for it. And nor am I completely cut out to be in that particular relationship. Yes, that. It stings more than anything but I want to learn from my mistakes in the past. It's always better to end at the first signs of a decline than to see the shit hit the fan in major way and act in ways that are inexcusable.
My rationale: (for the sake of my continued commitment to this discommitment)
This is what you wanted right? How many nights were spent pouring out your guts dummy? It's time to stand up tall. Be on your own. There's no excuse for it. You aint cut out to fill this role and it's time to admit your weakness. Those nights spent aren't lost. They'll remain in your memory. To think back on from time to time. Stay focused now when nothing seems to make sense. Remember back to this moment when you realized that it was not going to end well for both parties involved. And despite your honest efforts to not hurt the other person, both of you will hurt. Like hell. You need to live up to that ad you put out. Otherwise you gonna be accused of false advertising just like the rest of lot. You can't expect others to put you in your place or to build you up. You need to work for your keeps. Drop that baggage and focus on the gold. Sometimes you stubborn as shit. Stubbornness has gotten the best of you. Chalk it up to heredity. But never, and never compromise.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Lets get away..to swim on dolphins
I'm not scared or anxious about this. In fact, today I felt really calm and settled. I felt renewed after a packed yet relaxing weekend, I went to work today excited. I didn't know what the Monday held for me, but I was able to live it thoroughly. I spent the day working. Enjoying the work that I was doing, and not counting down to 5pm. Content in working till 7, I finished the work that I aimed in completing today. And even though I was underdressed for bleak turn in temperature outside, I still felt happy. I wasn't bothered by the long lines at CVS while I waited almost 40 minutes for what usually takes 15 minutes to pick-up.
Then as I walked uphill on Connecticut Ave with the wind blowing mercilessly against me, I was inspired to pick up dinner. Despite my earlier-in-the-day intentions of making a chicken pot pie with the remaining ingredients in my fridge, I made a spur of the moment decision to stop at this tacky Italian restaurant and pick up an antipasto salad. I thought back to my last Italian dinner at Amici's in Baltimore, and the delicious antipasto plate that offered a perfect mix of Italian meats-prosciutto and ham, provolone, roasted red bell peppers, artichokes, pickled peppers, and salads. Hoping to replicate that experience, the dinner order I placed turned out to fall exceedingly below to my expectations. But I learned to enjoy it because I had the company of my beloved roommate and Higher Education on TV to add to my dinner experience. Afterward, I was able to start my chicken pot pie for tomorrow. A creamy chicken soup filling for the pot pie.
I spent the little amount of free time today fantasizing about what types of food I will showcase during the Thanksgiving holiday. I took such pleasure in looking up recipes for pies, soups, roasts, and salads. I like that my grandmother is around because I can make more food and not be too terrified of leftovers.
So the at the heart of this happy day, I think I was finally having more motivation to do a good job at the job. I felt no distractions and pure commitment to myself. Getting away this weekend definitely reminded me how happy I am. I really like where I am, and even though Duke was amazingly beautiful with its heaven like atmosphere and perfect weather, I think like anything good in life, it's the people that makes a place home. Even though so many of my friends have moved on after graduation, it's really nice having friends still there to visit. But I can always appreciate the unreal blue skies, and that majestic Chapel that I can't help staring at when I walk by. I'm incredibly grateful that in a small way, I have been able to stay academically associated with Duke.
And aside from the locational visit to Duke, I'm really happy with life. I am so excited to know that our next President will be Mr. Barack Obama because essentially like every other minority in this country, I feel incredibly proud to see an African American elected as President. I'm reminded how incredible this country is and will be. I had forgotten for a really long time. But I have been the recipient of the limitless opportunities that this nation has given me and my family. As first generation (1/2 really) immigrants, we are living the American dream because not very long ago, we didn't have much. But because of the education opportunities that this country provided for my dad and me, we're able to pursue our own academic and career interests. With that comes the freedom to be happy. Freedom from financial burdens and freedom to think freely and pursue happiness. Really. And so, I will always want this country to provide those opportunities for those in need. No matter what socioeconomic sector I belong in, I will always want protection and assistance given to those that need it most. To give everyone the opportunity to pursue the freedoms that I cherish so dearly. No matter how long I stay in a private sector job, my heart will always be with humanitarian pursuits. I know that my passions are in servicing the community, and I would feel lucky to spend a career in non-profit. I will always want to speak up for those that do not have a voice, and provide support and care for those that cannot care for themselves or those that they love.
And even though that sounds so very altruistic, I am not contradicting my egoism values. Because ultimately, I am the recipient of pursuing what appears to be politically democratic and morally egalitarian values. I know that I wouldn't want to live in country if these powerful themes no longer held weight in the people's minds and hearts. I wouldn't want to live in a country so entrenched in distrust, dissension, divisiveness, and apathy that all would act in individual interests without regards to the basic virtues that this nation was built on. This is about hope. It's about believing in change and knowing that we as the nation's future leaders can start making a difference now. I'm incredibly proud to have been apart of this monumental change in American politics.
And so when I say that I'm not scared, I mean it. I believe in the future. What it holds for this nation, this city, the people that I love, and of course me. I am confident that I am in a place that I belong, and I don't want to be anxious about getting to somewhere in the future too quickly. I want to savor every moment that I am given right now. I will train my taste buds and my life living buds to distinguish the subtleties between bliss and joy.
Then as I walked uphill on Connecticut Ave with the wind blowing mercilessly against me, I was inspired to pick up dinner. Despite my earlier-in-the-day intentions of making a chicken pot pie with the remaining ingredients in my fridge, I made a spur of the moment decision to stop at this tacky Italian restaurant and pick up an antipasto salad. I thought back to my last Italian dinner at Amici's in Baltimore, and the delicious antipasto plate that offered a perfect mix of Italian meats-prosciutto and ham, provolone, roasted red bell peppers, artichokes, pickled peppers, and salads. Hoping to replicate that experience, the dinner order I placed turned out to fall exceedingly below to my expectations. But I learned to enjoy it because I had the company of my beloved roommate and Higher Education on TV to add to my dinner experience. Afterward, I was able to start my chicken pot pie for tomorrow. A creamy chicken soup filling for the pot pie.
I spent the little amount of free time today fantasizing about what types of food I will showcase during the Thanksgiving holiday. I took such pleasure in looking up recipes for pies, soups, roasts, and salads. I like that my grandmother is around because I can make more food and not be too terrified of leftovers.
So the at the heart of this happy day, I think I was finally having more motivation to do a good job at the job. I felt no distractions and pure commitment to myself. Getting away this weekend definitely reminded me how happy I am. I really like where I am, and even though Duke was amazingly beautiful with its heaven like atmosphere and perfect weather, I think like anything good in life, it's the people that makes a place home. Even though so many of my friends have moved on after graduation, it's really nice having friends still there to visit. But I can always appreciate the unreal blue skies, and that majestic Chapel that I can't help staring at when I walk by. I'm incredibly grateful that in a small way, I have been able to stay academically associated with Duke.
And aside from the locational visit to Duke, I'm really happy with life. I am so excited to know that our next President will be Mr. Barack Obama because essentially like every other minority in this country, I feel incredibly proud to see an African American elected as President. I'm reminded how incredible this country is and will be. I had forgotten for a really long time. But I have been the recipient of the limitless opportunities that this nation has given me and my family. As first generation (1/2 really) immigrants, we are living the American dream because not very long ago, we didn't have much. But because of the education opportunities that this country provided for my dad and me, we're able to pursue our own academic and career interests. With that comes the freedom to be happy. Freedom from financial burdens and freedom to think freely and pursue happiness. Really. And so, I will always want this country to provide those opportunities for those in need. No matter what socioeconomic sector I belong in, I will always want protection and assistance given to those that need it most. To give everyone the opportunity to pursue the freedoms that I cherish so dearly. No matter how long I stay in a private sector job, my heart will always be with humanitarian pursuits. I know that my passions are in servicing the community, and I would feel lucky to spend a career in non-profit. I will always want to speak up for those that do not have a voice, and provide support and care for those that cannot care for themselves or those that they love.
And even though that sounds so very altruistic, I am not contradicting my egoism values. Because ultimately, I am the recipient of pursuing what appears to be politically democratic and morally egalitarian values. I know that I wouldn't want to live in country if these powerful themes no longer held weight in the people's minds and hearts. I wouldn't want to live in a country so entrenched in distrust, dissension, divisiveness, and apathy that all would act in individual interests without regards to the basic virtues that this nation was built on. This is about hope. It's about believing in change and knowing that we as the nation's future leaders can start making a difference now. I'm incredibly proud to have been apart of this monumental change in American politics.
And so when I say that I'm not scared, I mean it. I believe in the future. What it holds for this nation, this city, the people that I love, and of course me. I am confident that I am in a place that I belong, and I don't want to be anxious about getting to somewhere in the future too quickly. I want to savor every moment that I am given right now. I will train my taste buds and my life living buds to distinguish the subtleties between bliss and joy.
Monday, November 3, 2008
officemates
Metaphor premise: Coffeemate is made for coffee. It is delicious, creamy and varies in multidimensional flavors that accommodate coffee addicts and coffee virgins alike. Now, I can't decide if it is because of the actual content that contributes to this aura of "made for coffee" or simply because of a well designed brand concept. However, regardless of all that fluff I concur with anyone who claims that coffeemate is made for coffee. Now you cannot, by any means, use coffeemate for anything else. It does not become a glass milk under any circumstance! Nor will it go well with cereal, eggs, or baking. Period. No exceptions. Coffeemate is meant for coffee.
Real world relevance: Are then officemates only made for the office too?
What if some how during the process of working together, you also get to know one another? And then once you know this person, you begin to like him/her (no specifics here)? Does the officemate transfer well to a lunchmate, or dinnermate (it rhymes with dinnerdate!), or what about then a roommate, tennismate, playmate.... or simply a mate. The mate.
Personal spin: I write off so many people if the answer were to be consistent with my coffee mate analysis. Deloitte is one of the largest professional services firm in the world. It is well known according to Wikipedia as one of the Big Four Accounting Firms, and certainly with a number such as 165,000 employees all around the world, I am not setting myself up for good odds.
Rewind to trigger: What really triggered this entirely useless mental exercise and unconventional style of introspection is a sequence of completely unrelated events bound by a single common denominator: work. Saturday night: I went out to dinner with a colleague, who I would much rather prefer to call friend because she is probably my favorite Business Analysts in my start class. I got to finally meet her boyfriend on Saturday; it is always nice to put a face with the stories. This colleague and I have never been short of stories to tell one another, and so much that it feels like we've always known each other.
Last week: I asked another workmate about great places to go to in North Carolina. we shared in the duke vs. unc rivalry and talked about what we missed and didn't miss of the good ole south. shared experiences often make for good conversations. after we made some tentative plans of meeting up in NC next weekend, i remembered how I almost went to an orioles game with him.
Since the start of project: my SC is pretty great. we share a similar cultural background and intriguing conversations about politics and society.Then of course, the recurring run-ins: the water cooler guy. I have no idea what his name is. but he is certainly easy on the eyes.
And then today: I work out of the 12th st. office along which the entire hallways are semi-open cubicles for administrative/secretarial position type people. They are great to know because they can help you with just about anything. Hoteling, restaurant selections, expense reports, mailing supplies, nearest restroom/coffee room/elevators...all of the essentials to familiarizing yourself to a building.
Now, there is this guy who I'd guess is about mid to late 20's. So, young. Has Lee as his last name; sits along the hallway and has his name painted in one of those tacky asian watercolor art drawings done by asian burnout artists on the streets of new york. But, this guy looks ethnically African American. I don't find many black men attractive. nothing racisit about it really, it's only because I wasn't friends with many growing up. But i will agree with anyone that says will smith, denzel Washington, and of course one of my few black guy friends growing up, Joe Mponzi attractive. anyway, back to this secretary guy. every time I walked by, I could not turn my eyes away from him. not because he was incredibly gorgeous or anything, but mainly because I was inquisitive. i wanted to know his story. does he have an Asian heritage? and is that why is so good looking? After walking by his cubicle, to get to the bathroom, coffee room, elevators...etc. etc., (never deliberately, of course) I finally worked up the guts to talk to him.
Workmates or colleagues or just people who work in your office are quite fun. For now though, I will have to remain with my original conviction that they are meant for work. It's great sharing a cup of coffee on break with a workmate during work hours. It's really nice hearing about some one's life too. But had I overstepped my boundaries and asked this secretary guy on a date, it would have been disastrous. If things didn't go well, he could tell all the other secretaries and they'd all boycott me and refuse to give me directions around the building!
Conclusion: So work and coffee do belong in the same category in regards to mates!
Real world relevance: Are then officemates only made for the office too?
What if some how during the process of working together, you also get to know one another? And then once you know this person, you begin to like him/her (no specifics here)? Does the officemate transfer well to a lunchmate, or dinnermate (it rhymes with dinnerdate!), or what about then a roommate, tennismate, playmate.... or simply a mate. The mate.
Personal spin: I write off so many people if the answer were to be consistent with my coffee mate analysis. Deloitte is one of the largest professional services firm in the world. It is well known according to Wikipedia as one of the Big Four Accounting Firms, and certainly with a number such as 165,000 employees all around the world, I am not setting myself up for good odds.
Rewind to trigger: What really triggered this entirely useless mental exercise and unconventional style of introspection is a sequence of completely unrelated events bound by a single common denominator: work. Saturday night: I went out to dinner with a colleague, who I would much rather prefer to call friend because she is probably my favorite Business Analysts in my start class. I got to finally meet her boyfriend on Saturday; it is always nice to put a face with the stories. This colleague and I have never been short of stories to tell one another, and so much that it feels like we've always known each other.
Last week: I asked another workmate about great places to go to in North Carolina. we shared in the duke vs. unc rivalry and talked about what we missed and didn't miss of the good ole south. shared experiences often make for good conversations. after we made some tentative plans of meeting up in NC next weekend, i remembered how I almost went to an orioles game with him.
Since the start of project: my SC is pretty great. we share a similar cultural background and intriguing conversations about politics and society.Then of course, the recurring run-ins: the water cooler guy. I have no idea what his name is. but he is certainly easy on the eyes.
And then today: I work out of the 12th st. office along which the entire hallways are semi-open cubicles for administrative/secretarial position type people. They are great to know because they can help you with just about anything. Hoteling, restaurant selections, expense reports, mailing supplies, nearest restroom/coffee room/elevators...all of the essentials to familiarizing yourself to a building.
Now, there is this guy who I'd guess is about mid to late 20's. So, young. Has Lee as his last name; sits along the hallway and has his name painted in one of those tacky asian watercolor art drawings done by asian burnout artists on the streets of new york. But, this guy looks ethnically African American. I don't find many black men attractive. nothing racisit about it really, it's only because I wasn't friends with many growing up. But i will agree with anyone that says will smith, denzel Washington, and of course one of my few black guy friends growing up, Joe Mponzi attractive. anyway, back to this secretary guy. every time I walked by, I could not turn my eyes away from him. not because he was incredibly gorgeous or anything, but mainly because I was inquisitive. i wanted to know his story. does he have an Asian heritage? and is that why is so good looking? After walking by his cubicle, to get to the bathroom, coffee room, elevators...etc. etc., (never deliberately, of course) I finally worked up the guts to talk to him.
Workmates or colleagues or just people who work in your office are quite fun. For now though, I will have to remain with my original conviction that they are meant for work. It's great sharing a cup of coffee on break with a workmate during work hours. It's really nice hearing about some one's life too. But had I overstepped my boundaries and asked this secretary guy on a date, it would have been disastrous. If things didn't go well, he could tell all the other secretaries and they'd all boycott me and refuse to give me directions around the building!
Conclusion: So work and coffee do belong in the same category in regards to mates!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Shutter/shudder = homonyms
The temperature is a perfect 74 degrees. the sun is just right in most areas of the city. the few clouds in the sky remind you that the blue is real and not painted on in one single stroke. Yet, why am I'm shuddering? Shuddering out of being cold. Or the thought of being cold? Goosebumps slowly form on my arms. palms are getting sweaty and sore. the soreness described as a unique phenomenon of your brain's inability to process a hurting heart. So the parallel neurons and sensors to the organ send signals from your heart to the brain that get interpreted as palms or arms hurting.
I am being a shutter. As in a person or thing that shuts. Other people out in this case. rather just one. I'm getting chills down my back and making myself sick to the stomach because in truth, I lied. I lied about it being OK. at the time, I didn't yet know what i really want. but i knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to be that person. i dont want to be the one to bend the pieces so they fit. Like they were meant for it. Because if they weren't made for it, then they weren't made for it.
I am being a shutter. As in a person or thing that shuts. Other people out in this case. rather just one. I'm getting chills down my back and making myself sick to the stomach because in truth, I lied. I lied about it being OK. at the time, I didn't yet know what i really want. but i knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to be that person. i dont want to be the one to bend the pieces so they fit. Like they were meant for it. Because if they weren't made for it, then they weren't made for it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
STRUGGLE!
This week has been the longest week ever! It is only Tuesday.
I HATE having nothing to do at work. I hate it. I hate making empty goals of grandeur to change the face of america, one military treatment facility at a time. It's so empty and pointless when I'm given nothing to do.
The greatest thing I've done this week that I'm proud to take ownership of is probably my facebook event titled picnic in a forest. How pathetic is that?
These are the times that strength of character shines through. In these moments of monotony and boredom it is when true heroes stand out. And I am totally failing at present. I need that giant kick in the ass to push me to do something great.
I look around me and get stuck in the status quo around me. Then we watch and wait, And do nothing but sigh And hope everything is gonna turn out right...But I don't know if it'll be alright (Joshua Radin).
Wonjun would say: Stop bitching and start living!!
Seeing as how it's midnight, can't do much living tonight. Will begin tomorrow. I will say something happy though. Pandora and I have been getting along really well. It knows exactly what I like and what I want. I love it! Secondhand Serenade sounds exactly like Dashboard Confessionals. Your call.
It gets me through some really tough times that I've gone through these past 48 hrs of pure boredom. Ha! recent favs--Jimmy eat world:Sundown; Brand New: Soco Amaretto.
I HATE having nothing to do at work. I hate it. I hate making empty goals of grandeur to change the face of america, one military treatment facility at a time. It's so empty and pointless when I'm given nothing to do.
The greatest thing I've done this week that I'm proud to take ownership of is probably my facebook event titled picnic in a forest. How pathetic is that?
These are the times that strength of character shines through. In these moments of monotony and boredom it is when true heroes stand out. And I am totally failing at present. I need that giant kick in the ass to push me to do something great.
I look around me and get stuck in the status quo around me. Then we watch and wait, And do nothing but sigh And hope everything is gonna turn out right...But I don't know if it'll be alright (Joshua Radin).
Wonjun would say: Stop bitching and start living!!
Seeing as how it's midnight, can't do much living tonight. Will begin tomorrow. I will say something happy though. Pandora and I have been getting along really well. It knows exactly what I like and what I want. I love it! Secondhand Serenade sounds exactly like Dashboard Confessionals. Your call.
It gets me through some really tough times that I've gone through these past 48 hrs of pure boredom. Ha! recent favs--Jimmy eat world:Sundown; Brand New: Soco Amaretto.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
if you smile enough, you'll be happy
I think it's just a rut. When I went to visit Jim, I thought it'd be great because we'd finally get to see each other and put the past couple of bad days behind us. But instead, I was just exhausted and unwilling to lower my expectations. I held on to waiting for something telling to happen. Wishing for a sign of approval from God, or divine inspiration saying that I made the right choice in giving this thing another go. I wanted so badly to be proven wrong about all the bad things I had thought and said of him
But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.
The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!
It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.
But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.
The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!
It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
To boys of all ages:
For future reference, when you screw up and make a girl sad, the fastest and easiest way to make things better is to
a) drive as fast as you can to her house, give her a big hug and apologize in person
c) don't bother and just give up
Do NOT think:
Most girls have way too high expectations for guys because of all the perfect men they see in chick flick/ Chinese soap operas.
I don't care what your problem is, just drop all of your shit and drive your freakin' butt down to DC to see me. Why? Because it'll make things so much better. I'll forgive you once I've seen you. And it shows that you actually care. And that I matter to you. Words are just words. You can't have it for dinner, and you can't go out and buy things with it. It doesn't quite put you to bed at night.
And recognize a good thing when you have it. Learn to treasure it in your mind and your heart. If it really means as much as you say or think it does, then be willing to live up to your words. So, I'll set an example. I care about this current relationship. I want things to just get better and for us to be happy again. Regardless of what it holds for us in the future and how badly it'll hurt when it ends.
I'll show up. Set example. Show him that I really care about this. Because I want to make it work, for now. And then leave it at that. He can do whatever he wants with that afterwards.
Can you tell that I'm a bit annoyed?
a) drive as fast as you can to her house, give her a big hug and apologize in person
c) don't bother and just give up
Do NOT think:
Most girls have way too high expectations for guys because of all the perfect men they see in chick flick/ Chinese soap operas.
I don't care what your problem is, just drop all of your shit and drive your freakin' butt down to DC to see me. Why? Because it'll make things so much better. I'll forgive you once I've seen you. And it shows that you actually care. And that I matter to you. Words are just words. You can't have it for dinner, and you can't go out and buy things with it. It doesn't quite put you to bed at night.
And recognize a good thing when you have it. Learn to treasure it in your mind and your heart. If it really means as much as you say or think it does, then be willing to live up to your words. So, I'll set an example. I care about this current relationship. I want things to just get better and for us to be happy again. Regardless of what it holds for us in the future and how badly it'll hurt when it ends.
I'll show up. Set example. Show him that I really care about this. Because I want to make it work, for now. And then leave it at that. He can do whatever he wants with that afterwards.
Can you tell that I'm a bit annoyed?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Faith
What is it and how to get it? And once we have it, how do we keep it?
Faith has always been a personal thing. I don't know how theologians, philosophers, religious leaders, or anyone else that might be important in this realm, have defined faith. But I know that it's something that I often rely on, completely. Sadly though, it is also one thing that I lose sight of in times of complacency.
I can't begin to define what faith is to me without first describing the times that I have faith first. The single most remarkable leap of faith was when I relied on God to help me through letting go of my first love. I had faith in Him that this was not an end of my only encounter with love, and that I was not making the biggest mistake of my life. I had faith that I was to never regret it. And I had to have faith that I would be in love again. I had to really believe that God had a plan for me through all of this, and that He would deliver me into something that was good.
Other moments of sheer faith is when I embark on something new. Something strange and unfamiliar. I have to rely on my faith in God to know that this is the best thing for me. Whether it was the start of college and meeting new people, choosing my academic focuses, or the time and commitments that I put into servicing the community, all of it was based and rooted on the fact that God would have the power to make something great out of the choices and commitments that I was making. I believed that God would be able to use me in every organization I joined. He would also allow me to make an impacting difference in the the people I encountered.
Because in reality, I have very little talent, skills, or abilities to offer. Not to belittle myself in anyway, or write off my accomplishments over the years. But throughout most of my life, the decisions I made were never because of me. I am no smarter, talented, or better at life than the next person. I can't attribute my intelligence to anything that I've done. Because like most people say, people are born with talent. There's a reason it's called God-given talent.
I can honestly and rationally attribute my educational accomplishments to the family and background that I was born into. (Not something I was responsible for). I would not have had the work ethic and strength in character had I not been born to my parents.
So faith to me is being able to attribute and thank God for all the things that I have today: the people in my life that I was lucky to have met and kept as family, friends, and acquaintances. I have faith that they were put in my life for a reason, and that I'd be able to have a positive impact on their lives. My purpose in relationships and friendships is to bring happiness into their lives. And somehow in ways that I cannot even begin to grasp, I will bring light onto Him and show them the goodness of God.
Keeping faith is something that I have struggled with for a very long. And I know that it will be an inevitable journey that I will go through till my time is done here. I keep my faith in God because when it comes down to the core, I know myself. I am getting to know myself more and more as I grow up.
The honest truth is this: I am a very selfish person. I dislike people underneath it all. I dislike myself too. I get easily scared. I'm insecure. I have trouble persevering in tough times. I give up easily. I am lazy. I get envious and jealous of others. I lust after things that don't belong to me. I am shallow. I judge people. I think badly of those that seem less than me. I think badly of those that are better than me. I feel small.
BUT, with God: I am generous and giving. I give my time and efforts graciously to those that are in need. I like kids and I like the old people. I care about people. I hurt when I hear about their sufferings, and I rejoice in their times of happiness. I commiserate and sympathize with others easily. I focus on myself and how I can improve in my life. And I remain stable and confidant in my abilities. So with faith, I am a remarkable person.
I have the ability to build great nations and create impacting changed in our world. God has put me on a path that is in the making of something incredible. I have the potential to be a leader, a revolutionary... a hero...only with God though. And I don't know if that means in some rural village in Africa, or at an international health organization, or if it's simply in my own household and community. But whatever it is, I will make a lasting impact, change lives, and make the world a better place. It would be such a waste if I forget that and lose my way because I forget to have faith.
So what is Faith? Faith is knowing that we can all be something incredible. Something absolutely beautiful and golden. Someone who shines in a sea of people. We can all be someone's companion, best friend, savior, confidante, and someone who changes the world. It just means that we don't really have the ability to do it on our own. We were given by God the ability to do great things. These talents that we have can only be fully realized once we include God along the way.
Faith has always been a personal thing. I don't know how theologians, philosophers, religious leaders, or anyone else that might be important in this realm, have defined faith. But I know that it's something that I often rely on, completely. Sadly though, it is also one thing that I lose sight of in times of complacency.
I can't begin to define what faith is to me without first describing the times that I have faith first. The single most remarkable leap of faith was when I relied on God to help me through letting go of my first love. I had faith in Him that this was not an end of my only encounter with love, and that I was not making the biggest mistake of my life. I had faith that I was to never regret it. And I had to have faith that I would be in love again. I had to really believe that God had a plan for me through all of this, and that He would deliver me into something that was good.
Other moments of sheer faith is when I embark on something new. Something strange and unfamiliar. I have to rely on my faith in God to know that this is the best thing for me. Whether it was the start of college and meeting new people, choosing my academic focuses, or the time and commitments that I put into servicing the community, all of it was based and rooted on the fact that God would have the power to make something great out of the choices and commitments that I was making. I believed that God would be able to use me in every organization I joined. He would also allow me to make an impacting difference in the the people I encountered.
Because in reality, I have very little talent, skills, or abilities to offer. Not to belittle myself in anyway, or write off my accomplishments over the years. But throughout most of my life, the decisions I made were never because of me. I am no smarter, talented, or better at life than the next person. I can't attribute my intelligence to anything that I've done. Because like most people say, people are born with talent. There's a reason it's called God-given talent.
I can honestly and rationally attribute my educational accomplishments to the family and background that I was born into. (Not something I was responsible for). I would not have had the work ethic and strength in character had I not been born to my parents.
So faith to me is being able to attribute and thank God for all the things that I have today: the people in my life that I was lucky to have met and kept as family, friends, and acquaintances. I have faith that they were put in my life for a reason, and that I'd be able to have a positive impact on their lives. My purpose in relationships and friendships is to bring happiness into their lives. And somehow in ways that I cannot even begin to grasp, I will bring light onto Him and show them the goodness of God.
Keeping faith is something that I have struggled with for a very long. And I know that it will be an inevitable journey that I will go through till my time is done here. I keep my faith in God because when it comes down to the core, I know myself. I am getting to know myself more and more as I grow up.
The honest truth is this: I am a very selfish person. I dislike people underneath it all. I dislike myself too. I get easily scared. I'm insecure. I have trouble persevering in tough times. I give up easily. I am lazy. I get envious and jealous of others. I lust after things that don't belong to me. I am shallow. I judge people. I think badly of those that seem less than me. I think badly of those that are better than me. I feel small.
BUT, with God: I am generous and giving. I give my time and efforts graciously to those that are in need. I like kids and I like the old people. I care about people. I hurt when I hear about their sufferings, and I rejoice in their times of happiness. I commiserate and sympathize with others easily. I focus on myself and how I can improve in my life. And I remain stable and confidant in my abilities. So with faith, I am a remarkable person.
I have the ability to build great nations and create impacting changed in our world. God has put me on a path that is in the making of something incredible. I have the potential to be a leader, a revolutionary... a hero...only with God though. And I don't know if that means in some rural village in Africa, or at an international health organization, or if it's simply in my own household and community. But whatever it is, I will make a lasting impact, change lives, and make the world a better place. It would be such a waste if I forget that and lose my way because I forget to have faith.
So what is Faith? Faith is knowing that we can all be something incredible. Something absolutely beautiful and golden. Someone who shines in a sea of people. We can all be someone's companion, best friend, savior, confidante, and someone who changes the world. It just means that we don't really have the ability to do it on our own. We were given by God the ability to do great things. These talents that we have can only be fully realized once we include God along the way.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I heart Olympics
I can't stop watching the Olympics. It's absolutely beautiful, especially when they play the national anthems and the Gold Medalist stands up on the podium. They look so proud to be apart of something incredible. I tear up every time I watch it. Especially if its the USA or China gold medalists. It really just makes me want to cry when I see them up there so incredibly proud of everything that they've put into this competition.
On another note, I almost cried last night. I think it was out of frustration and feeling really helpless. I'm in Baltimore today. Since I spend so much time in coffee shops during the week, I figured a coffee shop in Baltimore would be the same as one in DC. That's just what I say, but really it's because I wanted to see Jim too. I took the train up last night, and got to hang out with him. It was really nice for most of the night. And I was really happy. But then it occurred to me that I love him. And it scared the shit out of me. I don't actually know if it's going to stick or not. In fact, I'm not completely sure what love is. But I knew I felt it, and I really really wanted to say it out loud and tell him. That's when things took a horrible turn.
I was terrified that it wouldn't be reciprocated, and that I'd feel incredibly foolish and vulnerable after saying it. So I held it inside, which made things awkward and scary. I told him how vulnerable I felt and he understood that. Because we were getting so close, and things I guess are moving faster than they had been while at Duke. Who's to say what fast or slow is though really? Just like no person is normal, relationships can't be at the right pace for everyone.
Feeling what I felt last night, I realized how horrible it is to be in love. Like my favorite character in Love Actually says to his dad, "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" I love that! he's soo cute. At least what I felt with Peter when I was in love with him was this complete lack of control over my emotions. I was irrational, flighty, inconsistent, scared, and insecure. I felt small because I was terrified of losing him. I was more terrified of the idea of losing him, and so I clung to him because I didn't want to feel pain and loss. I also thought that being in love was some type of promise. Almost an engagement at the time. I locked myself into thinking that this was the last person I would ever love and be loved by. Perhaps because he was my first love.
BUT, actually...hahahha, now that I think about it and how much it hurt to go through that, I feel better. Because I know that I got through it eventually, and what didn't kill me has made me so much stronger. I can't just be afraid of everything and scared to put myself out there. The worst that can possibly happen is that we break up and I move on with my life without him. And I'll meet some other great guy to date and learn more about myself and others.
On another note, I almost cried last night. I think it was out of frustration and feeling really helpless. I'm in Baltimore today. Since I spend so much time in coffee shops during the week, I figured a coffee shop in Baltimore would be the same as one in DC. That's just what I say, but really it's because I wanted to see Jim too. I took the train up last night, and got to hang out with him. It was really nice for most of the night. And I was really happy. But then it occurred to me that I love him. And it scared the shit out of me. I don't actually know if it's going to stick or not. In fact, I'm not completely sure what love is. But I knew I felt it, and I really really wanted to say it out loud and tell him. That's when things took a horrible turn.
I was terrified that it wouldn't be reciprocated, and that I'd feel incredibly foolish and vulnerable after saying it. So I held it inside, which made things awkward and scary. I told him how vulnerable I felt and he understood that. Because we were getting so close, and things I guess are moving faster than they had been while at Duke. Who's to say what fast or slow is though really? Just like no person is normal, relationships can't be at the right pace for everyone.
Feeling what I felt last night, I realized how horrible it is to be in love. Like my favorite character in Love Actually says to his dad, "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" I love that! he's soo cute. At least what I felt with Peter when I was in love with him was this complete lack of control over my emotions. I was irrational, flighty, inconsistent, scared, and insecure. I felt small because I was terrified of losing him. I was more terrified of the idea of losing him, and so I clung to him because I didn't want to feel pain and loss. I also thought that being in love was some type of promise. Almost an engagement at the time. I locked myself into thinking that this was the last person I would ever love and be loved by. Perhaps because he was my first love.
BUT, actually...hahahha, now that I think about it and how much it hurt to go through that, I feel better. Because I know that I got through it eventually, and what didn't kill me has made me so much stronger. I can't just be afraid of everything and scared to put myself out there. The worst that can possibly happen is that we break up and I move on with my life without him. And I'll meet some other great guy to date and learn more about myself and others.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Settling in
I heart DC
really, I do. Mostly because living in city allows you to walk everywhere. And walking gives you this sense of belonging to a community. Especially when you become familiar with a certain area, in my case Adams Morgan, Woodley Park, Dupont, etc., the places become apart of you.
One of my favorite places, incidentally where I am now, is this cafe called Tryst. The coffee isn't amazing (like Shade Tree) and haven't yet tried the food, but the atmosphere is incredibly invigorating. The place is always packed with individual people studying or on laptops, groups drinking, couples dating and snuggling--sharing a drink. The corner I usually inhabit is along the back wall, which just about gives me a panoramic view of the entire open area with the bar straight ahead, band area to my right, and a darker ambiance for couples to the left--practically out of my periferral vision. I'm surrounded immediately by others on their laptops and noses in books, so I'm encouraged to be productive rather than wishing I was on date. The jazz band tonight is pretty peppy, and I can't complain about having the Olympics broadcasting right in front of me on TV.
My daily routine is anything but routine. So far the two weeks prior to this one have been vastly different and full of exciting, intense and varying degrees of fun, learning, working hard, and pushing me beyond my limits. This week though, the intensity has settled. Consequently, it has allowed me to go jogging for over 1 hr on both Monday and Tuesday. And today, I was able to finally attend a yoga class right here in Adams Morgan. It was perfect! Small, intimate, intermediate level, and a good mix of what I like. Not too much of the spiritual and mind stuff to conflict with my religion, and none of the intense balancing poses that I abhor. A lot of flow and stance poses that help with alignment, and definitely a good time for me to relax and destress from my day at work.
I was also able to cook dinner for the first time in DC. I made linguine with pomodoro pesto sauce. Perhaps even enough to bring to work tomorrow! This week is half way done, and I think I'm definitely settling in to DC. I can't wait till this weekend because I'll have the opportunity to show off my surroundings and the fun places I frequent, host dinners, drink wine, relax and be merry! I think that's the best part about living in DC--having everything so close and accessible. It definitely attacts friends who live out of town and makes me a bit more popular.
really, I do. Mostly because living in city allows you to walk everywhere. And walking gives you this sense of belonging to a community. Especially when you become familiar with a certain area, in my case Adams Morgan, Woodley Park, Dupont, etc., the places become apart of you.
One of my favorite places, incidentally where I am now, is this cafe called Tryst. The coffee isn't amazing (like Shade Tree) and haven't yet tried the food, but the atmosphere is incredibly invigorating. The place is always packed with individual people studying or on laptops, groups drinking, couples dating and snuggling--sharing a drink. The corner I usually inhabit is along the back wall, which just about gives me a panoramic view of the entire open area with the bar straight ahead, band area to my right, and a darker ambiance for couples to the left--practically out of my periferral vision. I'm surrounded immediately by others on their laptops and noses in books, so I'm encouraged to be productive rather than wishing I was on date. The jazz band tonight is pretty peppy, and I can't complain about having the Olympics broadcasting right in front of me on TV.
My daily routine is anything but routine. So far the two weeks prior to this one have been vastly different and full of exciting, intense and varying degrees of fun, learning, working hard, and pushing me beyond my limits. This week though, the intensity has settled. Consequently, it has allowed me to go jogging for over 1 hr on both Monday and Tuesday. And today, I was able to finally attend a yoga class right here in Adams Morgan. It was perfect! Small, intimate, intermediate level, and a good mix of what I like. Not too much of the spiritual and mind stuff to conflict with my religion, and none of the intense balancing poses that I abhor. A lot of flow and stance poses that help with alignment, and definitely a good time for me to relax and destress from my day at work.
I was also able to cook dinner for the first time in DC. I made linguine with pomodoro pesto sauce. Perhaps even enough to bring to work tomorrow! This week is half way done, and I think I'm definitely settling in to DC. I can't wait till this weekend because I'll have the opportunity to show off my surroundings and the fun places I frequent, host dinners, drink wine, relax and be merry! I think that's the best part about living in DC--having everything so close and accessible. It definitely attacts friends who live out of town and makes me a bit more popular.
Friday, July 25, 2008
last day at home
I have these spurts when I really want to write about something, but then afterwards, I forget what exactly I wanted to say, and I think some type of distractions come along. The best written entries are those during the exact moment when I feel that emotion or when I'm going through something extraordinary or interesting. Retrospect entries are often a bit too jaded, feigned, or romanticized.
I'll attempt to keep all of those out of this one:
While China feels like forever ago, I think it has strengthened me mentally and emotionally. I'm choosing to only remember the good stuff. Like Lijiang: horseback riding, biking, beautiful lake we found by accident, hot pot of ribs, bargaining for cowboy hats; Shanghai: Moganshan, Art District #50, Y+ yoga, Paul, and Tianzifang. Harbin: Sunrise Island, amusement parks, time with the fam.
time really flew by during these past two weeks home. I realized last night during a sleepy conversation that this was it. At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I'm growing up and moving out of my house. And the concept of home has greatly shifted for me. But I really don't feel sad whatsoever.
I admit I'm very wide-eyed and optimistic right now. I think that everything will be great because I have my friends in DC that provide social support for me. I'm going to be living with one of my best friends from college. I have my parents just a couple hours away, close enough to go home any weekend just about. I like this boy and he likes me. I have a great job that will take me to where I want to be in life. What else could I possibly ask for?
But truth is, maybe work will be incredibly hard. And I might not be amazing at it at first. I won't have too much time for friends or family. So those are always of concern.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, here another concern that I have: A recent thought was in terms of responding to these ridiculous accusations, romantic webs and tangles that I get myself in. I'm not 15 anymore, and stupid high school musicals make me gag. But somehow, I did get voted most dramatic for apo superlatives. What does that mean?
In the past year or so, I've managed to have one of the worst couple of months of my life after a really hard breakup. That wasn't exaggerated, it just happened. But then afterwards, I get accused by some stupid girl for trying to befriend her in order to keep tabs on Peter. She said that I got close her after our breakup because I wanted to keep track of the girls that were closest to him, and also to know what was going on in his life. That was the last thing I wanted. I hated the mention of his name, I didn't want to know how or what he was doing, and I definitely didn't want to keep him from dating other girls. After that, she really couldn't have the nerve to speak to me again. How does that happen?
Then a couple months later, I somehow breakup this guy who left west point to stay with his girlfriend of two years. He does these crazy things to try to get my attention, and makes up a whole relationship we never had. Then tells me before he leaves duke how much he likes me, etc etc, only to write me this incredibly lengthy email listing out his sins, transgressions, mistakes, and regrets a month later. It implicates me as an accomplice, but frankly I don't feel guilty at all.
Finally, it brings me to yesterday when another girl who i didn't know too well emails me accusing me of having some romantic side relationship with her current boyfriend. She thinks she came between him and me when they first started dating. And was suspicious of my intentions to befriend her.
Honestly, I wanted to just scream. Where the hell do these people get off for blaming me and misinterpreting my intentions of merely wanting to make new friends???
I think it all came from the fact I had this kick in the butt senior year that made me realize I had been really stagnant in terms of making new friends and getting to know people better when I was dating peter. So, despite all the pruning of friendship trees and clinging to the familiar that happened senior year, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and really get to know new people. But little did I know, it got me all these false accusations. I guess the world really has gone to hell. You can't simply make friends for the sake of making friends. And ask about how their lives are without ulterior selfish motivations. You can't be concerned for their wellbeing, or ask about how their lives are and really care about them without wanting to be romantically involved with them or their boyfriends.
Did I really ask for it by trying to be considerate and selfless? Maybe I'm still not that pure egoist that I was hoping to be after Dr. Gary Hull's class.
I remember how someone once said, everything boils down to sex. apparently that's been proven true. How sad.
I'll attempt to keep all of those out of this one:
While China feels like forever ago, I think it has strengthened me mentally and emotionally. I'm choosing to only remember the good stuff. Like Lijiang: horseback riding, biking, beautiful lake we found by accident, hot pot of ribs, bargaining for cowboy hats; Shanghai: Moganshan, Art District #50, Y+ yoga, Paul, and Tianzifang. Harbin: Sunrise Island, amusement parks, time with the fam.
time really flew by during these past two weeks home. I realized last night during a sleepy conversation that this was it. At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I'm growing up and moving out of my house. And the concept of home has greatly shifted for me. But I really don't feel sad whatsoever.
I admit I'm very wide-eyed and optimistic right now. I think that everything will be great because I have my friends in DC that provide social support for me. I'm going to be living with one of my best friends from college. I have my parents just a couple hours away, close enough to go home any weekend just about. I like this boy and he likes me. I have a great job that will take me to where I want to be in life. What else could I possibly ask for?
But truth is, maybe work will be incredibly hard. And I might not be amazing at it at first. I won't have too much time for friends or family. So those are always of concern.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, here another concern that I have: A recent thought was in terms of responding to these ridiculous accusations, romantic webs and tangles that I get myself in. I'm not 15 anymore, and stupid high school musicals make me gag. But somehow, I did get voted most dramatic for apo superlatives. What does that mean?
In the past year or so, I've managed to have one of the worst couple of months of my life after a really hard breakup. That wasn't exaggerated, it just happened. But then afterwards, I get accused by some stupid girl for trying to befriend her in order to keep tabs on Peter. She said that I got close her after our breakup because I wanted to keep track of the girls that were closest to him, and also to know what was going on in his life. That was the last thing I wanted. I hated the mention of his name, I didn't want to know how or what he was doing, and I definitely didn't want to keep him from dating other girls. After that, she really couldn't have the nerve to speak to me again. How does that happen?
Then a couple months later, I somehow breakup this guy who left west point to stay with his girlfriend of two years. He does these crazy things to try to get my attention, and makes up a whole relationship we never had. Then tells me before he leaves duke how much he likes me, etc etc, only to write me this incredibly lengthy email listing out his sins, transgressions, mistakes, and regrets a month later. It implicates me as an accomplice, but frankly I don't feel guilty at all.
Finally, it brings me to yesterday when another girl who i didn't know too well emails me accusing me of having some romantic side relationship with her current boyfriend. She thinks she came between him and me when they first started dating. And was suspicious of my intentions to befriend her.
Honestly, I wanted to just scream. Where the hell do these people get off for blaming me and misinterpreting my intentions of merely wanting to make new friends???
I think it all came from the fact I had this kick in the butt senior year that made me realize I had been really stagnant in terms of making new friends and getting to know people better when I was dating peter. So, despite all the pruning of friendship trees and clinging to the familiar that happened senior year, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and really get to know new people. But little did I know, it got me all these false accusations. I guess the world really has gone to hell. You can't simply make friends for the sake of making friends. And ask about how their lives are without ulterior selfish motivations. You can't be concerned for their wellbeing, or ask about how their lives are and really care about them without wanting to be romantically involved with them or their boyfriends.
Did I really ask for it by trying to be considerate and selfless? Maybe I'm still not that pure egoist that I was hoping to be after Dr. Gary Hull's class.
I remember how someone once said, everything boils down to sex. apparently that's been proven true. How sad.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Happy Independence, America!
Boy, is it really really hot. Sitting in this 90 degree/feels like 104 weather with no air conditioning trying to write up some of the research proposals for this trip. But honestly, I am just about to go and jump into a lake somewhere. It's this haze that has me under a spell. I haven't seen the sun once since in Beijing, and yet the 70% humidity and heat drains every bit of my energy.
I'm about just about a little over a week from being done with China altogether, and I guess eventually some reflections are in order. I'm not sure how to really sum it all up. There weren't any big epiphanies this time, but I think life is pretty great right now. In short, I got to see some really beautiful places (Lijiang) and visit some of my favorite relatives. Meet some new people, understand the different realities we live in, and attempt to understand how life really works in different places.
I went to Wang Fu Jing yesterday, it this giant mall complex which has way too much name brand stores for me to handle. I sat in a Starbucks, sipping my venti coffee frappuccino wondering if what's so great about this lifestyle. I'm about to start a new chapter of my life: adulthood or rather workinghood. And yet all I could see in front of me are the people walking by Starbucks. Man, there are so many of them. The market here is so different and so much more complex than I had imagined. I keep thinking I'd have an advantage if I were ever to take a business to market here in China, but it hit me: I have no idea. I am just as much an American as anyone else in America. I feel intimidate by some of the people here in China because I don't feel as smart and educated about my surroundings. Simple things such as where geographically places are located, road signs, menus, etc are all a bit foreign to me. I'm sure if I lived here long enough, I'd learn to navigate more easily. I feel older and yet so wide-eyed and naive.
I'd like to think that my next stage in life will be exciting--challenging but really fun and interesting. I really hope that I'll be able to do a good job. Curiosity, passion, thirst, and perseverance will get me through anything. I have to be willing to put in the long hours of hard work and go beyond what's expected of me. The time and effort that others aren't willing to put in, I have to. Go that extra mile or even extra 10 miles.
I'm about just about a little over a week from being done with China altogether, and I guess eventually some reflections are in order. I'm not sure how to really sum it all up. There weren't any big epiphanies this time, but I think life is pretty great right now. In short, I got to see some really beautiful places (Lijiang) and visit some of my favorite relatives. Meet some new people, understand the different realities we live in, and attempt to understand how life really works in different places.
I went to Wang Fu Jing yesterday, it this giant mall complex which has way too much name brand stores for me to handle. I sat in a Starbucks, sipping my venti coffee frappuccino wondering if what's so great about this lifestyle. I'm about to start a new chapter of my life: adulthood or rather workinghood. And yet all I could see in front of me are the people walking by Starbucks. Man, there are so many of them. The market here is so different and so much more complex than I had imagined. I keep thinking I'd have an advantage if I were ever to take a business to market here in China, but it hit me: I have no idea. I am just as much an American as anyone else in America. I feel intimidate by some of the people here in China because I don't feel as smart and educated about my surroundings. Simple things such as where geographically places are located, road signs, menus, etc are all a bit foreign to me. I'm sure if I lived here long enough, I'd learn to navigate more easily. I feel older and yet so wide-eyed and naive.
I'd like to think that my next stage in life will be exciting--challenging but really fun and interesting. I really hope that I'll be able to do a good job. Curiosity, passion, thirst, and perseverance will get me through anything. I have to be willing to put in the long hours of hard work and go beyond what's expected of me. The time and effort that others aren't willing to put in, I have to. Go that extra mile or even extra 10 miles.
Friday, May 30, 2008
A New List of My Favorite Things
Cheese fries. Sleep. Secrets. Stories. Or just facts. People watching. Midnight walks on the beach. Blueberry ricotta minipies. Juno. Flippies. Whiskey sour. Med-rare steaks. Raspberry ice cream. Sunrise yoga. High school memories. French pedicures. Tropical sun block. Brenner. Lost. Dim sum. Commandeering Baldwin. Rollercoasters. Kicking ass at beer pong. Boys with accents. Pina coladas. Hiking. Butterfly kisses. Dark chocolate. Duke Gardens. Swimming holes. Back massages. Animal planet. Board games. Dirt.mud.rolling. Mimosas. Nasher brunch. Dimples. Shiny happy fits of rage. Ocean beach sand. Gym.class heroes. China. James.Blunt. Home. How I met your mother. Tree climbing. Waterfall finding. Dancing awkwardly. Curly blond hair. Yorkshire Terriers. Singing along. Third eye blind. Road trips. Finding treasure. Little pudgy kids. The Office. Skinny dipping. Swinging.back.n.forth. falling and not getting hurt. Picnics. Crepes. Beagles. Tapping to my own. Risk.Taboo.Scrabble.
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