so stupid...

I can't believe I fell for that shit. What a sellout! Today was a close replica of last Thanksgiving Weekend...something of feeling like crap, worrying, freaking out, and letting my mind become a total mess. It's so not fair!

It all started with this notion that I'd go and meet Jim's parents. Not really knowing or (bothering to ask) what his intentions were when he asked me on Tuesday. I decided to consider it and even though my gut reaction was to say no, I still decided to give it some time to think over and try to convince myself it'd be a good thing. I took it seriously and asked my parents for advice, really taking in their opinion. They were optimistic and encouraged me to go, saying that it's a very nice gesture and that in order for a relationship to move forward, it's probably best that I'd go and meet them. I agreed.

Then finally, on Wednesday I told him that I would go to his house. And right after he said that his friend Jordan was going to be there too. I was confused. He hadn't mentioned that part before. It took me by surprise, and I wanted to ask why? Or was that the plan all along? Did she make plans with him before, and I was just invited so that I could be judged by 4+1 women in his life? As if 3 sisters and a mom wasn't enough. Now I had to meet this girl has is his "bestfriend" or favorite person of all of college. Wow.

I got off the phone feeling mostly intimidated and nervous by the whole thing. I wasn't mad or jealous. Just really anxious and a little bit confused about his intentions. It was a lot of pressure because I really wanted his family to like me, but didn't want to come off as needing their approval. Either way, it certainly complicated things having another girl there. I just got more and more anxious. Then that afternoon, I go to text him saying that I'm scared about going to see his family, and didn't know if I still wanted to...only to find his text saying that he's happy that I'm going on Friday and that he misses me! I was so happy to find it that I didn't have the heart to text him back saying that I didn't want to go. I held my phone in my hand for a while, thinking what could I possibly say back. I didn't want to mislead him by saying that I'm excited too because I was having second thoughts about going. But I didn't want to make him sad right then. I figured I could talk to him sometime that night.

I woke up the next morning on Thursday to find a Voicemail from midnight saying nothing too important except that he'd call me the next day. I wanted to call him all day to say Happy Thanksgiving, but every time I went to pick up the phone I remembered that he said he'd call. I didn't want to intrude on the traditional family time on Thanksgiving. You never know if people are busy with their families, and since he said that he'd call, I waited patiently. Very patiently. The entire night. But no call ever came.

Which led me to today: I woke up feeling agile, "resilient--I recover quickly", at 7AM. I felt restless. I wanted to call him immediately but knew that it's inappropriate to call people at 7 or 8 in the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited some more. My dad asked me over apple pancakes that I made for us, if I was still going this afternoon. I explained the situation and asked for his opinion. He said that maybe Jordan's bf is going to be there too, and if so, it wouldn't be so appropriate. I said maybe I should just politely defer the answer by saying our car is malfunctioning, which it is...and say that I won't be able to go. And just let it go. I don't care that he doesn't know the real reason why I don't want to go. I just want him and his family to have a happy holiday and not have to be upset or worried. I was so afraid of ruining his holiday and his time with his family that I completely neglected my own happiness and my time with my parents. They could tell that I was being tortured. He said that I should call jim at least to let him know what my hesitation is and just talk about it. So I waited all morning... Until around 11AM...to call. Only to call over and over again. With no answer. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night at midnight.

I started to worry. Here I was thinking all about this stupid going or not going stuff, when in fact what if something bad had happened to him?? My mind started to race. What if he got into an accident? Or was in trouble? He always picks up or calls me back right away. or texts me to say that he'll call me back later. But I kept calling and over an hour there was no response. My heart dropped. Something bad happened. There I was sitting alone in my room, thinking about all the bad things that could've happened. What if he was hurt, in the hospital or even worse, what if he died? Would anyone in his family bother to tell me? How would I possibly find out? Would I go to the funeral? So many questions popped up spontaneously.

I couldn't go downstairs to face my dad because I have no idea what happened to jim, and I had no answer for him. I was stuck in time and space. I couldn't tell my dad that I'd be able to spend the afternoon with him because there was a chance that I'd still go to jim's. A part of me still wanted everything to be ok. I so desperately wanted him to call say that jordan isn't coming or that she and her bf would be there, and that he's been looking forward to this, and that he wanted me there, and I'd say cool! i'll be there!

Finally, my fears of death and despair was assuaged by a text message saying that he was driving and would call me in 40 mins. I was so tired of waiting by then. I waited for over a day for this boy to call me, and all he could muster up was a "call you in 40 mins". Somehow that felt so not enough. Especially because I just went through an entire emotional experience of fear and loss. My mom calls me to ask what my plans are for this afternoon and whether or not she should try to come home early so I can take the unbroken car. She said that she'd try to get off work early if I wanted to go. My parents are so incredibly generous but I felt humiliated with them. I was embarrassed to tell them that this boy that I raved about the night before is basically blowing me off. I have no idea why he couldn't just pick up the phone when he was with his family. I don't understand it. I have no idea what was going on in his mind. I guess I hadn't realized how little I meant compared to those people in his life.

Finally, I got on the phone with him just to find out that he wasn't a bit apologetic for waiting so long to get on the phone with me, and didn't even acknowledge missing a billion of my calls or that he hadn't called yesterday. And to find out that Jordan is going by herself. I couldn't face my fears alone without any type of encouragement from him. I felt so vulnerable. If I were to go, I'd be basically setting myself up to get hurt. He didn't put up much of a fight when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.


It sure made me feel like a silly girl. With my hopes. I'm silly for lying about my dreams, but it was worse to not have dreamt them at all. I've written this off for so long that I shouldn't be so surprised. I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me and ask that he'd explain why it didn't matter nearly enough to him. Why he didn't bother to pick up any of the calls from this morning. Why he didn't call me like he said he would? What changed? Was he mad about something? I had so many questions and I felt so betrayed. Because I felt like I knew him, and I thought better of him. I felt like we were closer than that. I thought I meant more to him. I believed in us. I thought he'd be there for me. Whenever I called, he'd be there.

Only to have all of that thrown in my face. It sure feels like someone just stabbed in a pencil in my leg. I kept calling and calling. Not considering how much it was to hurt my pride in the process, and I could just see him ignoring all of those phone calls. I wondered every time I called, was he in the middle of something or just really angry and feeling hurtful and vengeful. I wouldn't think that he was vengeful type of person. He never ignored my phone calls that many times before just out of spite. So maybe because he's in the middle of something. I told myself that it wasn't anything against me. Just that he was busy. But if he only saw that I had called 30 times, then wouldn't he think that something's really wrong. What's keeping him from calling me back? Apathy? Anger?

I had no answers. Finally, I said to myself. Enough! I've neglected my family enough. It wasn't fair that I was letting some stupid boy drama dictate how badly I was treating my parents. And letting it get in the way of our family time. I hated that I let that happen. So, I took one last glance over at both my cell phones, and left them at home. As we headed out for the afternoon. I was able to reassure myself. And be at peace with my family.

But somehow it was so reminiscent of the past when I used to wonder: was it over? I have a really hard time just letting things go. And being able to get past things like these. I'm pretty bad at getting past problems especially when I really care about someone. I think if this had been earlier on in our relationship, I would've been able to shrug it off. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't call me back for days. There's really nothing that I could do if he died. I guess I'd find out when I did. Someone would eventually tell me. Maybe I'd get it in a Duke email.

I think there's something maternal about it. I know my mom gets really worried about me when she can't reach me. Or when she calls and I don't pick up. Her mind races to imagine all the bad things that could've happened. And then she literally feels the pain of losing me or my dad or knowing that we've been hurt. It's weird. I know I felt that way when my parents would be late coming home when I was little. Back when we didn't have cell phones, I'd sit by the window and worry about them. I'd think about all the different scenarios, and how I'd cope with being an orphan if God forbid they didn't come home. I don't worry about people like that often.

It's almost a curse because boy does it hurt. I get really bad chills all over when I think about bad things. Anyway, this weather is sure getting cold. It's not easy staying warm.

Come to think of it. How funny is that? I think I've paid for in full all the debt that I owe to the relationship gods. I don't deserve any more of this. I know I treated people like crap in similar occasions and prioritizing my family over boys, and ignored my fair share of phone calls. But I was really willing to be different with this one. I was giving it a lot of my good side. But now that this bad side is rearing its ugly head, I can only ask myself how stupid am I? For falling for a boy that couldn't take you more for granted. For double standards. For betrayal. For neglect. For really belittling you and humiliating you in front of your family. For simply letting you down.

I sure feel so stupid.

My World.

So take a step back. A breath in. Let it out now. Put your chin up. You can do it tiger, you a man now. And in your dream it's time to do the best you can now.

From recent events, I've become incredibly humbled in the process. I'm going to make sure that this is done correctly this time. So I can heal completely. Because we are so fragile yet so resilient in times like these. Despite my efforts to make light of this trying week and all of its tribulations, in truth, I feel disappointed in myself. I'm ready to break myself down, so I can build myself up. I need to be willing to commit to my dreams now.

I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I haven't been "awesome" (as Barney Stinson would called it) at life for a while now. Probably since I started working, I haven't been amazing at anything. And I need a breakthrough. All of the sudden, I'm in a bigger league now and I realize that I'm not cut out for it. And nor am I completely cut out to be in that particular relationship. Yes, that. It stings more than anything but I want to learn from my mistakes in the past. It's always better to end at the first signs of a decline than to see the shit hit the fan in major way and act in ways that are inexcusable.

My rationale: (for the sake of my continued commitment to this discommitment)

This is what you wanted right? How many nights were spent pouring out your guts dummy? It's time to stand up tall. Be on your own. There's no excuse for it. You aint cut out to fill this role and it's time to admit your weakness. Those nights spent aren't lost. They'll remain in your memory. To think back on from time to time. Stay focused now when nothing seems to make sense. Remember back to this moment when you realized that it was not going to end well for both parties involved. And despite your honest efforts to not hurt the other person, both of you will hurt. Like hell. You need to live up to that ad you put out. Otherwise you gonna be accused of false advertising just like the rest of lot. You can't expect others to put you in your place or to build you up. You need to work for your keeps. Drop that baggage and focus on the gold. Sometimes you stubborn as shit. Stubbornness has gotten the best of you. Chalk it up to heredity. But never, and never compromise.

Lets get away..to swim on dolphins

I'm not scared or anxious about this. In fact, today I felt really calm and settled. I felt renewed after a packed yet relaxing weekend, I went to work today excited. I didn't know what the Monday held for me, but I was able to live it thoroughly. I spent the day working. Enjoying the work that I was doing, and not counting down to 5pm. Content in working till 7, I finished the work that I aimed in completing today. And even though I was underdressed for bleak turn in temperature outside, I still felt happy. I wasn't bothered by the long lines at CVS while I waited almost 40 minutes for what usually takes 15 minutes to pick-up.

Then as I walked uphill on Connecticut Ave with the wind blowing mercilessly against me, I was inspired to pick up dinner. Despite my earlier-in-the-day intentions of making a chicken pot pie with the remaining ingredients in my fridge, I made a spur of the moment decision to stop at this tacky Italian restaurant and pick up an antipasto salad. I thought back to my last Italian dinner at Amici's in Baltimore, and the delicious antipasto plate that offered a perfect mix of Italian meats-prosciutto and ham, provolone, roasted red bell peppers, artichokes, pickled peppers, and salads. Hoping to replicate that experience, the dinner order I placed turned out to fall exceedingly below to my expectations. But I learned to enjoy it because I had the company of my beloved roommate and Higher Education on TV to add to my dinner experience. Afterward, I was able to start my chicken pot pie for tomorrow. A creamy chicken soup filling for the pot pie.

I spent the little amount of free time today fantasizing about what types of food I will showcase during the Thanksgiving holiday. I took such pleasure in looking up recipes for pies, soups, roasts, and salads. I like that my grandmother is around because I can make more food and not be too terrified of leftovers.

So the at the heart of this happy day, I think I was finally having more motivation to do a good job at the job. I felt no distractions and pure commitment to myself. Getting away this weekend definitely reminded me how happy I am. I really like where I am, and even though Duke was amazingly beautiful with its heaven like atmosphere and perfect weather, I think like anything good in life, it's the people that makes a place home. Even though so many of my friends have moved on after graduation, it's really nice having friends still there to visit. But I can always appreciate the unreal blue skies, and that majestic Chapel that I can't help staring at when I walk by. I'm incredibly grateful that in a small way, I have been able to stay academically associated with Duke.

And aside from the locational visit to Duke, I'm really happy with life. I am so excited to know that our next President will be Mr. Barack Obama because essentially like every other minority in this country, I feel incredibly proud to see an African American elected as President. I'm reminded how incredible this country is and will be. I had forgotten for a really long time. But I have been the recipient of the limitless opportunities that this nation has given me and my family. As first generation (1/2 really) immigrants, we are living the American dream because not very long ago, we didn't have much. But because of the education opportunities that this country provided for my dad and me, we're able to pursue our own academic and career interests. With that comes the freedom to be happy. Freedom from financial burdens and freedom to think freely and pursue happiness. Really. And so, I will always want this country to provide those opportunities for those in need. No matter what socioeconomic sector I belong in, I will always want protection and assistance given to those that need it most. To give everyone the opportunity to pursue the freedoms that I cherish so dearly. No matter how long I stay in a private sector job, my heart will always be with humanitarian pursuits. I know that my passions are in servicing the community, and I would feel lucky to spend a career in non-profit. I will always want to speak up for those that do not have a voice, and provide support and care for those that cannot care for themselves or those that they love.

And even though that sounds so very altruistic, I am not contradicting my egoism values. Because ultimately, I am the recipient of pursuing what appears to be politically democratic and morally egalitarian values. I know that I wouldn't want to live in country if these powerful themes no longer held weight in the people's minds and hearts. I wouldn't want to live in a country so entrenched in distrust, dissension, divisiveness, and apathy that all would act in individual interests without regards to the basic virtues that this nation was built on. This is about hope. It's about believing in change and knowing that we as the nation's future leaders can start making a difference now. I'm incredibly proud to have been apart of this monumental change in American politics.

And so when I say that I'm not scared, I mean it. I believe in the future. What it holds for this nation, this city, the people that I love, and of course me. I am confident that I am in a place that I belong, and I don't want to be anxious about getting to somewhere in the future too quickly. I want to savor every moment that I am given right now. I will train my taste buds and my life living buds to distinguish the subtleties between bliss and joy.

officemates

Metaphor premise: Coffeemate is made for coffee. It is delicious, creamy and varies in multidimensional flavors that accommodate coffee addicts and coffee virgins alike. Now, I can't decide if it is because of the actual content that contributes to this aura of "made for coffee" or simply because of a well designed brand concept. However, regardless of all that fluff I concur with anyone who claims that coffeemate is made for coffee. Now you cannot, by any means, use coffeemate for anything else. It does not become a glass milk under any circumstance! Nor will it go well with cereal, eggs, or baking. Period. No exceptions. Coffeemate is meant for coffee.

Real world relevance: Are then officemates only made for the office too?
What if some how during the process of working together, you also get to know one another? And then once you know this person, you begin to like him/her (no specifics here)? Does the officemate transfer well to a lunchmate, or dinnermate (it rhymes with dinnerdate!), or what about then a roommate, tennismate, playmate.... or simply a mate. The mate.

Personal spin: I write off so many people if the answer were to be consistent with my coffee mate analysis. Deloitte is one of the largest professional services firm in the world. It is well known according to Wikipedia as one of the Big Four Accounting Firms, and certainly with a number such as 165,000 employees all around the world, I am not setting myself up for good odds.

Rewind to trigger: What really triggered this entirely useless mental exercise and unconventional style of introspection is a sequence of completely unrelated events bound by a single common denominator: work. Saturday night: I went out to dinner with a colleague, who I would much rather prefer to call friend because she is probably my favorite Business Analysts in my start class. I got to finally meet her boyfriend on Saturday; it is always nice to put a face with the stories. This colleague and I have never been short of stories to tell one another, and so much that it feels like we've always known each other.

Last week: I asked another workmate about great places to go to in North Carolina. we shared in the duke vs. unc rivalry and talked about what we missed and didn't miss of the good ole south. shared experiences often make for good conversations. after we made some tentative plans of meeting up in NC next weekend, i remembered how I almost went to an orioles game with him.

Since the start of project: my SC is pretty great. we share a similar cultural background and intriguing conversations about politics and society.Then of course, the recurring run-ins: the water cooler guy. I have no idea what his name is. but he is certainly easy on the eyes.

And then today: I work out of the 12th st. office along which the entire hallways are semi-open cubicles for administrative/secretarial position type people. They are great to know because they can help you with just about anything. Hoteling, restaurant selections, expense reports, mailing supplies, nearest restroom/coffee room/elevators...all of the essentials to familiarizing yourself to a building.

Now, there is this guy who I'd guess is about mid to late 20's. So, young. Has Lee as his last name; sits along the hallway and has his name painted in one of those tacky asian watercolor art drawings done by asian burnout artists on the streets of new york. But, this guy looks ethnically African American. I don't find many black men attractive. nothing racisit about it really, it's only because I wasn't friends with many growing up. But i will agree with anyone that says will smith, denzel Washington, and of course one of my few black guy friends growing up, Joe Mponzi attractive. anyway, back to this secretary guy. every time I walked by, I could not turn my eyes away from him. not because he was incredibly gorgeous or anything, but mainly because I was inquisitive. i wanted to know his story. does he have an Asian heritage? and is that why is so good looking? After walking by his cubicle, to get to the bathroom, coffee room, elevators...etc. etc., (never deliberately, of course) I finally worked up the guts to talk to him.

Workmates or colleagues or just people who work in your office are quite fun. For now though, I will have to remain with my original conviction that they are meant for work. It's great sharing a cup of coffee on break with a workmate during work hours. It's really nice hearing about some one's life too. But had I overstepped my boundaries and asked this secretary guy on a date, it would have been disastrous. If things didn't go well, he could tell all the other secretaries and they'd all boycott me and refuse to give me directions around the building!


Conclusion: So work and coffee do belong in the same category in regards to mates!

Shutter/shudder = homonyms

The temperature is a perfect 74 degrees. the sun is just right in most areas of the city. the few clouds in the sky remind you that the blue is real and not painted on in one single stroke. Yet, why am I'm shuddering? Shuddering out of being cold. Or the thought of being cold? Goosebumps slowly form on my arms. palms are getting sweaty and sore. the soreness described as a unique phenomenon of your brain's inability to process a hurting heart. So the parallel neurons and sensors to the organ send signals from your heart to the brain that get interpreted as palms or arms hurting.

I am being a shutter. As in a person or thing that shuts. Other people out in this case. rather just one. I'm getting chills down my back and making myself sick to the stomach because in truth, I lied. I lied about it being OK. at the time, I didn't yet know what i really want. but i knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to be that person. i dont want to be the one to bend the pieces so they fit. Like they were meant for it. Because if they weren't made for it, then they weren't made for it.