April 16 - 28 Reston, VA - Dear jims

4/16 - 1:42PM - 2:21PM

I'm sorry you're not going to get me back. Not in a few weeks at least. There was a big part of me that was waiting around, hoping and wishing that you'd call and want this again. I wanted to hear you say that you were sorry, and you were wrong. For a few days there, during the first couple of weeks, I would go back to my hotel room every night just wishing you'd be there, waiting for me. Begging me to take you back. I wanted some grand gesture, a fairytale ending, or beginning, however you want to see it. I wanted you to be there with flowers in hand, telling me that I was the only person for you. And you'd fight for me no matter what and you weren't going to give up. The first weekend that I went home, there's was a part of me that wanted you to be there...sitting in my living room waiting for me. I wanted something big, like you talking to my parents, you making the first step reaching out to them to figure out how you could get me back, maybe you'd be there ready to propose and spend your life with me. Maybe you'd say that you couldn't live without me.

But, "I should've known. That I'm not a princess, and this isn't a fairytale. I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This isn't Hollywood. I was a dreamer before you let me down. Now, it's too late for you and your white horse." (Taylor Swift)

So, those moments came and went. Almost as soon as I thought them, I realized that I didn't want that. Even if you had done all that, my answer would still be the same. No. One day we'll both love someone so deeply and passionately that we would never want to give up or let them go. I don't want some grand gesture. Those are nice, but in the end I want someone that loves me unconditionally. Simply. Easily. Forever.

I know what I want, and it's not you. I honestly can't say anything to make things easier. Nothing I say is going to save us from a fall out. Do what you need to to get over this, and if we can survive it, maybe we'll make it out on the other side as friends. But no one can say for sure. I don't want to make the same mistake in the future. I don't regret our time together, but I know that I'm meant for something else than what we had.

From a future friend, be selective and picky of who you give your heart to. Figure out exactly what you want from a soul mate. Timing is everything, if you're not ready to meet your soul mate and commit yourself to another person, then it doesn't matter how amazing the person is. You'll feel like your settling. And you'll find something wrong with the relationship. Have enough courage to find her, find the perfect person for you, not just for right now, but for all time. That fits you perfectly. And when you do, put everything into it. It doesn't have to be crazy or rash, it can be the patient kind of love that you give. But don't ever give up. Fight for it relentlessly because love is worth it. It'll make you into who you are meant to be.

And when you do find her, be prepared to stick it out till the end. Be the man! You will have to think about what's best for her. Every family, every household needs a leader. Sometimes, you'll need to be the leader and lead the relationship. Mold it according to how you want to live. Spend your life learning about her, learning from her, and devoting yourself to make her happy. To let her grow and be herself. Think about your futures together, and grow together. But you are right, you are still young, and you have plenty of time to learn all of this. So take your time, and figure it out.

4/19 - 2:37PM

Some days like today I still can't let you go. I still want to hold on and wish that you could become that person that I described above. I wish you were the right person for me. I wish I could be with you again.Today, I miss how easy everything was between us, how comfortable and happy we were. All the things that we used to do together, I miss them. But when Julia asked me if I saw myself marrying you, the answer is still no. It doesn't change the future that we don't have. sigh. it's so hard.

4/21 - 9:57AM

Things that I have learned about myself in terms of relationships: (haha, according to match.com, my personality test told me this)I am a die-hard romantic, and I must have depth and meaning in my relationships. I like heart-to-heart exchanges that explore personal philosophies, goals, ethical dilemmas, and the meanings behind life. I am emotionally expressive and want my partner to share his or her genuine self with me. I also admire people who make plans and schedules. And I am attracted to a mate with a fixed moral compass. Moreover, for me, love must be embedded in a stable long-term relationship beginning with a march down the aisle. Most important, to balance my imaginative and supple spirit, I gravitate to people who know their own mind, make decisions quickly, focus on one thing at a time and can provide a stable home. And I can be very sensitive to my mate, communicating my emotions clearly and tenderly. It sounds pretty true, I couldn't have written as eloquently, but some of is definitely true. Anyway, now that I'm trying to move on...I have doubts and insecurities. I'm trying to find an apartment, and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be! I don't want to have to live psycho's and I'm not sure what would be good. I have to have faith and ask God to give me really good roommates! It's like everything in life, sometimes you just meet great people. You have no idea how you got to meet them in the first place, you just have to be grateful that God put them in your life.

5:43PM

It sucks that we aren't together. There are so many things that I wish we could've done in the future. I hate that. I think about all the places that I wanted to go with you, how much I wanted to do a service project with you... But now they are just void of you altogether. Well the list wasn't that long, huh? At least we didn't talk about our kids, how many, names, where we'd live, house we'd live in, where we'd get married, who we'd invite...good thing! that'd probably make things more painful.A lot of my friends are getting married or engaged now. Not a lot, but it's definitely starting. And hearing the stories, they are so happy. The pictures are beautiful. Not just appearances, but really beautiful. From inside and out. I want that. I want a beautiful wedding. And a beautiful marriage. This time has definitely taught me so much about myself. I think we would've been happier as friends! I wish we could still travel together and play and climb trees! And explore Baltimore together.

I was in Baltimore this past weekend visiting Seun and Megan. As much as everyone said I looked great and it seemed like I was getting over you, it was still really tough being there. Driving on 83 past the Preston red brick building multiple times. I had a hard time not looking. I almost half expected to just run into you when I walked into Bonaparte by myself for a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant. It was my second time being back in Baltimore single. The first time was for Seun's birthday it was only a week after we broke up, and Seun, Alex and I spent the night dancing after the Duke game. We went out to Canton the only place that I knew had dancing other than the 13th floor. Alex and I drove back to McLean to his house at 2AM in the morning. The exact reverse drive of the night we broke up. I ended up that night in the same room at Susan's house. It was eerie. I didn't think about it for very long. Baltimore still sorta felt like home, I was so familiar with everything. It was really nice to be back.

4/22 1:07PM

This weekend, Julia and Phil are coming to town. I'm excited! We were supposed to host them in Baltimore and then spend some time in DC and get to know Phil. It's no big deal though, I think I'll have a great time with them anyway. Ok, I have to admit this whole writing you thing is a little creepy. Maybe I should stop. I feel like you died and you're my imaginary friend or I'm just writing to someone fake. A fake boyfriend. I don't know if I'll ever send this to you, but I feel like it's a little pathetic. It started with me just writing when I really couldn't help it. Because I really missed you. But now it's gotten to be almost a crutch. I feel like it's not healthy, not going to help me get over you at all.

You know that song Breakeven by the Script. I remember we were sitting in the car with Seun and listening to the song. And we both thought it was really sad. I remember wondering who would be which person if we broke up. I'd like to think that I'm the girl and that you are the guy. but that's mean I don't want either of us to fall to pieces and be torn up by this.


4/26


4/28

Monday night 4/26 was so bad, I think I tried to write something, but instead it was just blank. I felt so weak, and I all wanted was you and talk to you. I wanted that comfort of talking to someone who understood me better than anyone else. In that moment, it felt like it was only you. No one else would understand. I was in so much pain, mostly from my period... and just having doubts about us. I wanted to hear your voice and just feel close to you. I wanted to get on the phone and you'd say that you'd come and see me. And just hold me. And just be with me while I slept.

On Monday I kept thinking about the past weekend and how we spent it in DC exploring the city doing some of my favorite things. Julia, Phil, and Carson came to DC and we spent Saturday together. It was a lot of fun, but I think the fact that it was supposed to be us made me feel periodically sad.

But instead, I just passed out around 7 or so. I prayed to God and asked for strength and protection. I asked God for patience and clarity and strength. I wanted direction. I wanted answers! I also prayed desperately for Jess. I prayed that she'd get a job and that God would bless her and make her happy again.

Last night I talked to Fei about everything, and God really spoke to me. God answered a few questions of mine. Options, if in a few weeks we talk and you realize that you are not the person that I am looking for in life, then that'll be that. We'll be on our way on our separate paths moving on. Simple enough, I think I'm already on that path. It'll hurt and I'll miss you, but I know it's the right thing.

But if you say that you want to have the same life that I do, and that you want to be a child of the Lord and entrust your life in Him and spend your life under the direction of God, then that'll put a spin on things. I want to continue to love you and support you in your decision. If you ask me to wait for you and pray for you, I will do that. I can wait for you to get to that point and I will pray that God brings us together. But that's about all I can do, pray about it. I can't change people and I think that people are brought together by design as Jess said. God made someone perfect for me, I have no idea who that person is. But when I know, I will know. For sure. Just like God spoke to me last night and really said have faith! Be strong, here's how to...and it was clear what the right choice was for me. I don't need to be impatient or scared. If we are meant to be together, we will be. But for now, there's nothing for me to do. I cannot change people, only God can. I will continue to serve the Lord and be myself. To trust and obey Him. nothing else needs to be done. I don't have that anxiety in my heart anymore. I am trusting in the Lord, and it feels great!!

April 21 Reston - no one laughs at God

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say, "We've got some bad new, sir"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

April 7 Reston - all the things i wish i could say2

I see your face in my mind as I drive away, It’s two a.m. Feelin’ like I just lost a friend. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. We know it’s never simple never easy. Never a clean break. People are people and sometimes we change our minds. And sometimes it doesn’t work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

April 7 Reston - all the things i wish i could say

Somehow Taylor Swift manages to capture everything that i ever felt before. it's perfect...

Holding on, the days drag on. Stupid girl, I should have known...I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. Lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around. Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes. And never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me. Happy endings, now I know Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well This is a big world, that was a small town There in my rearview mirror disappearing now. Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now.

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie, It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see. Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can't, Breathe. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. But it's killing me to see you go after all this time. It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. I see your face in my mind as I drive away, Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.

But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain and its 2am and I’m cursin’ your name. You’re so in love that you act insane and that’s the way I loved you. Breakin’ down and comin’ undone it’s a roller coaster kinda rush. And I never knew I could feel that much. And that’s the way I loved you.

Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye And we caught onto something I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me Were you just kidding? Cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down We almost never speak I dont feel welcome anymore Baby what happened, please tell me?

Cause one second it was perfect, now youre halfway out the door And I stare at the phone, he still hasnt called And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all And you flashback to when he said forever and always Oh, and it rains in your bedroom Everything is wrong It rains when youre here and it rains when you're gone Cause I was there when you said forever and always

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide Like a scared little boy I looked into you're eyes Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure So here's everything coming down to nothing Here's to silence that cuts me to the core Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I dont anymore.