May 30 Hanover - so many thoughts, just arrived!

I hate that when I'm walking around Hanover by myself, i have all these thoughts that I mean to write about later on. But then when it comes to remembering them and writing them down, I end up forgetting so much of it.

Let's start by recapping the week and the weekend. It's Sunday evening, and I've spent a whole week in Germany now! I work in a small suburb called Langenhagen, it's outside of Hanover, a medium sized city in Germany. The client team is pretty great, it consists of 6 men right now. A woman will join us in a few weeks. They are from Germany, Sweden, and Austria. Those of us from out of town have been staying at a Best Western. The room reminded me of living in Rome, a single bed, very small. I liked it just fine though. Breakfast was included.

This weekend, Christian a local team member invited me to go to the flea market with his two sons, Henri and Nick, ages 11 and 7. The older one Henri spoke a little English, but Nick didn't at all. It was a lot of fun though, getting to see the city on Saturday with someone that knew where he was going was a lot better than wondering around on Friday alone. I wasn't sure how safe everything was on Friday night when I walked around aimlessly with a map. The area around the train station had a lot of shopping and restaurants, but then I wondered to some areas that didn't have anything. There were a lot of teenagers and older people.

The flea market had a lot of really interesting stuff. I might have to go back and purchase a beer mug from the middle ages. It has a lid, pretty cool looking. It was definitely more fun to have someone narrating the history of the buildings and then talking to what each thing is at the flea market. Also, I really liked Henri, and Nick. They were both really really nice kids. Not a bit annoying. God, if I could be guaranteed a great kid like that, I'd be so happy. They were very active, lively, full of energy, but not annoying or mischievous! They were adorable too! Henri tried really hard to communicate with me despite the language barrier, and he was adamant about showing me his Pokemon and music collection. But Christian said it would have to be another time. I think Christian is a single dad though because he didn't mention his wife at all, and only mentioned their mom once or twice very briefly. I wanted to know the story behind it, but clearly couldn't ask. Henri taught me a bunch of German words, I learned to count to 10. So German is really tough for me!! Is it because I'm getting old?? I suck at pronunciation, it's a lot harder than Spanish or Italian. I hear it, but then I can't pronounce it. What's wrong with me??

Then Saturday afternoon, I was exhausted, probably because the night before I only slept for 3-4 hours before waking up around 8AM. So I slept on Saturday night from 6PM till 9AM on Sunday. Today.

Today, was more walking. I kept thinking about the amazing gelato and cappuccino I had yesterday. yum. I don't really like the seltzer water served everywhere. I like no gas in water! The cappuccino isn't as good here as it is in Italy. Maybe it's the weekend, but so many couples out walking around here, it's really cute. All ages, holding hands, very much in love. I like that they are very liberal with their pda. There are special places around the city for lovers to meet and do what lovers do. I think that's really cute too.

I booked my flights to Paris and back for over July 4th weekend. I'm very excited about that! I still can't decide if I like German food yet. Haven't had any sausages because they sometimes look a bit scary. I've been having a lot of pork and ribs. I had a really amazing handmade macaroni and cheese with onions. Delicious!

The Germans aren't very fashion conscious. Just a lot of black and dull colors. Everyone wears skinny jeans or pants. A lot of leather jackets. I feel like somethings like Pokemon, jean jackets, mps, etc are very much out of fashion in the States but live and well here.

So I'm staying at the Courtyard Marriott right in front of the Maschee, a giant man made lake. It's about 7km in diameter. And there are these GIANT carps in the lake. They must weigh like 40lbs because some of them a huge. They also look different, some have golden scales on top. Christian told me that right before new years, they go and fish them out and it's a holiday tradition to eat carp. Also, some people keep a golden carp scale in their wallet for good luck, it's suppose to bring fortune and wealth.

There were also a kayak polo competition in the lake this weekend. A lot of kids/teenagers playing kayak polo. It's like water polo, but in kayaks with 1 ball that they have to throw in a large net. Looked pretty tiring because they have to row and throw.

Meeting Henri really made me happy. I kept thinking how great it'd be to have a son like him. I think he really liked me too. When his dad left for a few minutes, Henri kept staring at me like a little kid in love, just smiling, and not knowing what to say. It was really funny. I really hope that God gives me happy kids someday. So today I walked around the lake all 7Km of it, and was thinking about kids. When did I start hating them? I had a pretty good conversation with God today during my 7Km walk around the lake, I think He also taught me a pretty good lesson in the process. I kept thinking about my future and how I'd like to have kids someday. I thought about marriage, and I'd go about choosing my life partner, and what I'd like to do before I get married. Half way through the walk, this guy - pretty young good looking guy, was pushing a really cute baby in a stroller. I saw it, and it was laughing, I thought it was appropriate that I was thinking about kids and there was this baby. The guy kept walking next to me so the baby could stare at me. The guy kept smiling at me, I wasn't sure if he was trying to hit on me with his baby. Kinda tacky. Right after that, it started to rain. Drizzled at first. Then it got heavy, I didn't bring an umbrella. Then it was pouring, and just as it did, there was a house and a small ledge that a few people were standing under. I hadn't seen a building or anything to take cover under for 15-20 mins before. But magically just when I needed something to take cover under, there it was. I loved that. Then later on, it got lighter, I kept walking. I knew that God was saying something to me. Life is going to feel like that sometimes. It's going to get hard and it's going to feel impossible but He will provide for me, I just have to trust him. Not be angry or worried in the process, just hopeful and grateful, which makes me really happy.

So back to the kids discussion, when did I start hating kids?

I remember when I was little, I was stuck with babysitting for a dozen of kids of all age ranges whenever we went to a house party with Chinese friends. I liked babysitting and having that responsibility. I changed diapers and held crying babies. I had a lot of patience, and was really really good with them. I also babysat for our neighbors, Abby and Griffin. Then there was the summer camp in Plainsboro, I think they were 1st-3rd graders for over 6 weeks in an all-day camp. I'd bike there and back.

Also in high school, I was a 4th grade Sunday School teacher for a year. I taught about 10-12 4th graders for an entire school year on biblical stories and teachings! I remember assigning homework, making sunday school lessons, looking up bible verses, and then planning activities. It would take a pretty long time to plan it all out, and then grade the homework. But I loved it, I loved teaching and watching the kids' expressions when I told them stories. I'd get the kids to act out some of the stories and then we'd have competitions to see who could remember the assigned bible verses. I was always so impressed by their ability to remember so many verses! I loved those kids. And they'd see me around church and say hi to me and some of them would run up and give me hugs. Kids in 4th grade are pretty sweet. Very easy to teach.

Then there was being a retreat counselor for a Summer Retreat. I forget what it was called, I remember it was at some university in NJ; it was my first time going, but somehow Tim convinced me into being a resident counselor for 6th graders. I was responsible during the 4 or 5 days for 10 6th grade girls. I was basically their RA. I think I was only in 9th or 10th grade then, so not much older than them. I had to make sure that they went to the workshops and different services on time, we always had our meals together, and then I was responsible for them during the evenings. My parents were at the Retreat too, and I think all of my PCC friends were there; but I barely saw them. I was stuck being an RA for a group of 6th grade girls. But I think I loved it. Some of them were just starting out as middle schoolers, some were still in elementary school, but they were all wide-eyed, curious, and impressionable. I remember being a little scared, not wanting to give them any bad guidance or be a bad influence. Wanting to do the right thing, teach them what God intended them to learn. Wanting so much to be good, and do good. I remember one or two nights we stayed up talking in my room for a while because some of the girls just had so many questions and things to talk about. They'd ask me all these questions about boys, dating, and God. I think I answered them to the best of my ability. From then, I knew. I knew that I had a special gift of guidance and inspiration. I knew that God used me to speak to those girls. But it was also a really scaring thing because of how much influence people can have on one another. I think I felt really close to God then, but in a way, it was also very draining to have to be constantly searching and praying for the right things to say. I was terrified that I'd do the wrong thing. But somehow, i managed to exude confidence and not let anyone down. I think I can also err on the side of self-righteousness sometimes and pretend like I know the right things and just speak from my mind and not listen to God and end up saying or doing the wrong things. That's what I'm most afraid of. Especially with my kids. I'm afraid I'll just follow in my own path and do what I think is best, instead of asking God and following in His will.

I think I'm just looking for the right person to start a family with, and then I might have a little more confidence in my parenting abilities? I'd like to lead a small group or a church youth group again sometime in the near future. But I guess I'd also like to do it with a partner, perhaps someone that I'm dating then, and together we can lead a small group and do weekly devotionals. But I think even more importantly than just reading the bible and learning from one another, I think being able to be responsible for a small group and having to coordinate the logistics of being responsible for them would enable me to learn to be a better parent. I hope I can learn about myself in the process and how I'd like to teach my kids. I hope God will give me that opportunity.

I really want my future husband to know the words of Michael W Smith's song Prince of Peace (You are Holy). So we can sing the two parts simultaneously. Haha. I miss the good old days of leading worship at PCC. I think that was one of my favorite songs to sing when we did worship. I don't think Jason and I were very good. In fact, I think we were pretty bad at it especially because neither of us knew how to play the guitar, so we'd have to rely on Fred. But still, they were really good times when we got to pick out the songs. I always had my favorite ones. There weren't that many, but I'd always try to stick a few in.

May 25 Hanover - just arrived, reflections of china and jim lately

I called jim when I was in China after we hit the 1 month mark. I wasn't sure if he had called on phone before, but one night after Liwei and I had a drink in my hotel bar, I was pretty tipsy from the cosmo and decided to call him to see what he had to say. I guess I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I was just hoping he'd have a lot to say.

Instead, when he picked up he just said that abruptly that yes, he'd be willing to love me unconditionally. And that he wanted to get back together. It felt like he didn't really think about it at all. It was the same tune that he had when we last talked, just a yes I think we can make this work. And then he asked me what I thought. I told him how I didn't think it'd work out, and then started lecturing him about how he should act in his next relationship. He got mad, didn't really want to hear about it, and then hung up on me. I went to bed.

Woke up the next morning and wasn't too sure what had happened last night. Said a prayer and asked for forgiveness from God. I knew it was stupid to call him rashly without knowing what I wanted, and also putting myself in a vulnerable place. Not asking God for direction and praying about it as I had done every other time that I've talked to him before. It was this first time that I called him out of impulse, a moment of weakness and knowing that God wanted me to wait till I got back to the US and in a stable mindset.

After that I let it go, didn't want to beat myself up for it, didn't want to waste my time hating him, didn't want to harp on it. I saw his email later that day. He said that he's glad we didn't get back together, we have different beliefs and he didn't really treat me well when we were together. He said he was selfish and didn't look out for my best interests...AMEN! wow I was so surprised at how well he summarized it all. I was glad that he realized what he did wrong, and it was a little sad that we had to get off the phone very angry the night before only for him to take it all back a few hours later. I guess I felt vindicated.

But then later on when I returned to the US, I started up the entire exchange all over again. On the first night that I was home, I was super jet lagged and couldn't fall asleep, so I txt him Ahh around midnight. I think I fell asleep for a few hours only to awake to my phone buzzing softly. It was 4am and he wrote back, I was surprised that he responded, asked why he was up. He said he had to go to the bathroom. Wasn't that he was lying awake at 4 in the morning pining away for me, oh well. Then I said I was jetlagged, so he called. We talked for almost 2 hours till it was time for him to go to work at the hospital. Then after that, he texted me to say he was happy we talked, and then asked if we could talk again on Friday.

He ended up texting me on Thursday and asking if we could talk, and I said sure not really sure what to expect. I've become very much one those just go and see type of person. The conversations did make me happy because it was nice to talk to him and tell him about my travels and what I'd been doing. We caught up on a lot of life in those next few days.

I was sleeping around 6PM, and his text around 9PM woke me up. We talked till I was dead tired about a lot of different things. But mainly he said he didn't want to give up on this, and that he still wanted to get back together. That he changed, and he wanted to really give this a chance, and that he really thinks we are the best for each other. That we have something special. I have to admit when I first heard it all, I was impressed at how well thought out it all was, and how much passion he had with all of it. It was exactly what I wanted...he was fighting for us, and making a case for why we should stay together. No matter how much I argued against it or how much I felt as if it was wrong for us to be together he was patient and gave really good reasons for why we should stay together. But I couldn't help how I felt and I wasn't going to deny the reality of things. We still weren't right for each other.

Friday was an incredibly early and long day for me, I woke up at 3am drove down to Maryland for our office's All Hands Meeting, presented a quick update on the Boys & Girls Club, then we won in softball. I spoke to one of my team members on the ITT Team, and then we had a bbq at Brian Johnston's house. Alex and I had coffee afterward, spoke about life and love and all that. It was a really good conversation, we're definitely getting a lot closer now and I'm getting along with him a lot better. Then I drove to Christina's. Met up with Jim beforehand to pick up my mail, awkwardly stood in the street. Had a hard time leaving once I saw him. I didn't know what I wanted to see happen. He eventually said I should go probably because he wanted to catch a movie with his friends, so i left. i definitely cried for like 10 seconds before collecting myself and driving to Christina's new apartment, met her dog, hung out with her and Sean for a bit. Then i txt'd jim after he got out of the movies, and he came to homewood. we sat outside coldstones for like 3 hours just talking. it was a really nice night and the people that walked by were really funny. for some reason i really enjoyed just having that time to sit there. sorta reminded me of the time that he and i sat outside Allivia's at Duke during pub crawl or something. we met up at the very end of the night.

then i went back with him and slept over at his apartment. my old apartment. it was so weird being there. it was so sad looking. he had a new roommate, my old room looked so sad. it was so much prettier when i lived there. didn't meet his roommate all weekend. we spent the entire weekend doing what we'd do if we were together, the same things. walking around baltimore. breakfast at blue moon. or rather it was lunch, late lunch. then ice cream by the harbour. then walked back, watched grey's anatomy, then slept for like 12 hours, then sunday farmer's market, had more eggs and coffee and a bergers pie. i had a really good time. don't think it was the best thing to do again but i guess i acted in the moment and just enjoyed myself. no regrets.

after the farmers market, we still talked for a while. somehow the issue of family came up. mine and then his. it was overall a horrible conversation that left me in tears all around. i hate what my mom did. i also hate what his family did to me. it definitely made my palms hurt all throughout the conversation. especially the part about his family. i hate that they dont like me and they dont like our relationship, so i guess it just breaks my heart every time i think about it. i drove back to pa, packed my things, then met David K in philly for late afternoon lunch of noodles, then to the airport for flight to Germany!

Before my flight to germany, jim and I talked again. it wasn't so sad this time, we were pretty happy. then when after I arrived in my hotel and got settled in, i called him on skype again. we've been talking a lot these past couple of days. almost too much i think. i dont want to just sink into our old ways. i dont want to get back together with him! I don't want to have 3 sister in laws. and daughters for kids!!

I also don't want to be married to a non-christian. who is jewish. who celebrates Hanukkah. i don't want that life!! I can't believe how angry I am about this. I hate that I'm even considering all of this. Is it because God wants me to give this a chance? Or am I just being weak and scared? I feel like I've been talking to jim too much lately that I can't hear God's voice anymore. I can't hear and feel Him near me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me!! GOD - I'm HERE!! Please don't forsake me! Please stay close, and forgive me for my sins, for my rashness and impatience. I want to learn and do what's right. I want to have discretion and obey you!! I'm scare, please calm my fears and give me peace. I didn't do the right thing in reopening all of these different channels with him, it was too sudden. I was wrong for not taking him seriously and just using jim as an outlet to have fun, enjoy myself and enjoy the moment. i know that takes away from whatever future I would have with him. I know that in order to really have a future with anyone, I need to be patient and have self control! I need to hold off before entering in to anything and wait for your command. If I were to really listen and obey you Lord, I would've stayed away until you told me to be with him again.

And that's what I'll do, I will wait for you to tell me what to do. I will wait. And listen and learn. Lord you know my heart and you know what's best for me. It's so hard to let go of my flesh and worldly needs. It's so hard to not want to do this on my own. I will continue on and forge ahead, and be good and patient.

But I can't help how I feel.

Dear Lord, I'm going to be honest. I want it to be him. I want him to be the best for me, and grow to be the man that I marry. I want him to love and trust you like I do and more. I want him to pursue your will and want to live his life according to your plan. I want to see you through him and learn from him. Learn about how you want me to live my life. I want to have a good relationship with his family and learn to accept their imperfections. I want so much for them to accept me, and love me.

But whomever I end up with, I want to spend my life with that person pursuing your will for us. Learning to rely on you completely, and spend our lives serving you and your people. Helping others see you through us. Being a light onto the earth. But mostly, I just want to have a good family. I want a family to love one another just as you have loved us.

Lord, I know that you can show him that you exist, and how amazing your love is. And how great it is to have you in his life, and to have all of his sins forgiven. To be freed from the guilt and mistakes. to be capable of having eternal life, and being free to live in this world. To have the confidence to pursue anything in life. To be the most amazing person that he can be. To be fearless. To never be alone in life. But I know that only through Grace can this happen. That you choose for those to enter your kingdom. I just really want it to be him.

I have no idea how to make that happen. There's nothing that I can do except pray. I don't really know what to say to him. I wish he'd go to Church and meet you there. I wish he could find you. or that you'd find him. I wish you'd seek him out and show him. I wish he'd accept you.

I wish he could go to the Gallery Church, because God, I really love that church. I feel like they are such good people there, and they could really minister to him and teach him. I wish he'd do it for himself and not for me. That he would believe in you of his own free will.

Lord, everything about you is so amazing and so remarkable, and yet so complicated and seemingly contradicting sometimes. But that's what I love about you, it's that I know I can spend my entire life pursuing the truth about you and never be completely there. It helps me focus on the journey and the process of getting to know you. Struggling and learning about what's right, and then struggling to do what's right. It's such a long and tedious process sometimes, but it feels so great devoting my life to doing that.

May 24 Munich - Airport Reflections

5/24 – 10AM Local Time (Munich, Germany)

Initial thoughts of Germany: I land in Munich as the first point of arrival into the country, waiting for a connecting flight in about an hour. German sounds very much like English for some odd reason, probably because they use English words here and there. The airport is impeccably clean.

A few cool things that they have: sectioned off luxury lounges for smokers, bright orange foam beds for people to sleep on, and free coffee and tea machines near every gate – and the coffee is actually delicious!

I got here only to realize that I totally forgot about the adapter situation, had to buy one, a hefty thing with all the universal plug adaptations. Damn Europeans need to exert their uniqueness with different outlet shapes everywhere! I haven’t exchanged any Euros yet, at some point I’ll have to do that. I think that I saw it was 0.70 exchange rates. That was better than when I was in Rome, which it was .67 I think. I bought a bottle of water and it was 3.35 euro!

The flight over was miserable, I was stuck in a middle seat and kept feeling sick. I slept for most of the flight, so that was good! The guy to my left was very gracious in helping me get my luggage up on the storage bin and brought it down for me when we landed. The guy to my right was a total nerd, in the purest sense of a nerd! He had a sheet full of chemical/physics formulas that he stared at for about 2 hours. Then he proceeded to read these research articles; but what made it over the top was the way he ate his food, awkwardly holding his utensils, incapable of opening the plastic wrapping, and dropping the plate in his lap periodically. Anyone could’ve come to that same conclusion with just one look, but I definitely supported my judgment label with irrefutable evidence.

Hanover is spelled with one n in English but in German, it has two n’s. I was wondering why I’ve seen it spelled both ways. I’m starting to wake up now. Some girl on our flight threw up on all over the wall of the hallway to our connecting flight right after we got off the plane. It was pretty gross. Reminded me of this other time that someone I knew threw up all over the wall, it’s weird how high the whole thing starts out and then uniformly distributes downwards.

Oh, but one thing I’m grateful for – no crying babies on my flight! I swear, I think I think it’s an Asian thing to just let you baby cry profusely with regard: Absolutely irresponsible and inconsiderate of others!