This week has been the longest week ever! It is only Tuesday.
I HATE having nothing to do at work. I hate it. I hate making empty goals of grandeur to change the face of america, one military treatment facility at a time. It's so empty and pointless when I'm given nothing to do.
The greatest thing I've done this week that I'm proud to take ownership of is probably my facebook event titled picnic in a forest. How pathetic is that?
These are the times that strength of character shines through. In these moments of monotony and boredom it is when true heroes stand out. And I am totally failing at present. I need that giant kick in the ass to push me to do something great.
I look around me and get stuck in the status quo around me. Then we watch and wait, And do nothing but sigh And hope everything is gonna turn out right...But I don't know if it'll be alright (Joshua Radin).
Wonjun would say: Stop bitching and start living!!
Seeing as how it's midnight, can't do much living tonight. Will begin tomorrow. I will say something happy though. Pandora and I have been getting along really well. It knows exactly what I like and what I want. I love it! Secondhand Serenade sounds exactly like Dashboard Confessionals. Your call.
It gets me through some really tough times that I've gone through these past 48 hrs of pure boredom. Ha! recent favs--Jimmy eat world:Sundown; Brand New: Soco Amaretto.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
if you smile enough, you'll be happy
I think it's just a rut. When I went to visit Jim, I thought it'd be great because we'd finally get to see each other and put the past couple of bad days behind us. But instead, I was just exhausted and unwilling to lower my expectations. I held on to waiting for something telling to happen. Wishing for a sign of approval from God, or divine inspiration saying that I made the right choice in giving this thing another go. I wanted so badly to be proven wrong about all the bad things I had thought and said of him
But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.
The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!
It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.
But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.
The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!
It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
To boys of all ages:
For future reference, when you screw up and make a girl sad, the fastest and easiest way to make things better is to
a) drive as fast as you can to her house, give her a big hug and apologize in person
c) don't bother and just give up
Do NOT think:
Most girls have way too high expectations for guys because of all the perfect men they see in chick flick/ Chinese soap operas.
I don't care what your problem is, just drop all of your shit and drive your freakin' butt down to DC to see me. Why? Because it'll make things so much better. I'll forgive you once I've seen you. And it shows that you actually care. And that I matter to you. Words are just words. You can't have it for dinner, and you can't go out and buy things with it. It doesn't quite put you to bed at night.
And recognize a good thing when you have it. Learn to treasure it in your mind and your heart. If it really means as much as you say or think it does, then be willing to live up to your words. So, I'll set an example. I care about this current relationship. I want things to just get better and for us to be happy again. Regardless of what it holds for us in the future and how badly it'll hurt when it ends.
I'll show up. Set example. Show him that I really care about this. Because I want to make it work, for now. And then leave it at that. He can do whatever he wants with that afterwards.
Can you tell that I'm a bit annoyed?
a) drive as fast as you can to her house, give her a big hug and apologize in person
c) don't bother and just give up
Do NOT think:
Most girls have way too high expectations for guys because of all the perfect men they see in chick flick/ Chinese soap operas.
I don't care what your problem is, just drop all of your shit and drive your freakin' butt down to DC to see me. Why? Because it'll make things so much better. I'll forgive you once I've seen you. And it shows that you actually care. And that I matter to you. Words are just words. You can't have it for dinner, and you can't go out and buy things with it. It doesn't quite put you to bed at night.
And recognize a good thing when you have it. Learn to treasure it in your mind and your heart. If it really means as much as you say or think it does, then be willing to live up to your words. So, I'll set an example. I care about this current relationship. I want things to just get better and for us to be happy again. Regardless of what it holds for us in the future and how badly it'll hurt when it ends.
I'll show up. Set example. Show him that I really care about this. Because I want to make it work, for now. And then leave it at that. He can do whatever he wants with that afterwards.
Can you tell that I'm a bit annoyed?
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