one step forward two steps back

I thought I was past the worst of it but God's plan is so mysterious. This weekend was brutal. I sort of expected to have some sort of reverse cultural shock and encounter tough times when returning home. But there were just so many reminders and temptations that made me move backwards. All I wanted to do was call jim this weekend. It was really tough because there were quite a few close calls. I must've typed at least five different text messages on my phone ready to send and then was able to finally hold off on it.

I don't think it's such a good idea to write to him anymore. I started this journal where I would write to him different thoughts and experiences that I was going through. But it's actually pulling me closer to him and I need to move away...

This weekend was such a struggle because I was supposed to take a small step forward. Or so I hoped. There was the opportunity to meet my email friend that I met on the dating website. But I totally chickened out on Saturday afternoon and decided to just lay by the pool and hangout with my parents, and then spent the entire evening sitting in Barnes & Noble just reading everything and anything. Then Sunday, I went to church, didn't love it immediately. But I was crying during the worship and couldn't stop crying afterwards. I almost drove to Jim's house on Sunday afternoon. It was one of those crazy uncontrollable moments. That could've turned out to be a total disaster. Probably a similar repeat of post breakup fight with peter on Easter Sunday 2008. I was thrown into an emotional rollercoaster and all I wanted to do was to talk to him, show up at his front door and see him. Say something to make this pain go away. To stop this whole process of moving on. I think that's exactly how I felt last time when I showed up at peter's front door on easter sunday morning, very early in the morning, saw him with a new girl (name I won't mention), but flipped out. I knew I was starting to move on, and I sort of felt myself moving on and I don't really remember all the dates, but it was just around the time when jim and i started seeing each other. i knew i was moving on...but somehow I wanted to cling to the familiar and say to peter...i'm really about to move on now, aren't you going to stop me???

I guess that's sort of what I was feeling on Sunday. But, luckily!! I didn't show up at jim's front door step. I should say, thanks to God's grace. I couldn't have done it alone at all. I am SO weak. If I relied on my own free will and my own stubbornness, then I would've created a fiasco and left things irreparably damaged with jim and probably his entire family.

But instead I just drove to Philadelphia and walked around fiercely. It gave me two giant blisters on my right foot. But I got to let go of that nervous energy. Later that afternoon I was able to talk to seun, which was so comforting. I sat there in my car and cried for a while. This was the worst sob session with another person that I've had in this whole breakup with jim. im surprised. because I honestly thought I was past this whole pathetic sit there and blow snot in my skirt thing.

After that, I collected myself put some water on my face and went to meet jeff for the first time at starbucks. we sat there till from 6:45pm till almost 10:30PM. it was a great talk. i didn't cry or bring up jim's name at all. we talked a lot about our personal and spiritual struggles, and were able to relate a lot on family issues. I'm happy that I didn't totally blow that interaction. It wasn't awkward at all, and I actually enjoyed myself a lot. I wouldn't say that I'm moving on, because I'm not ready to move on. I'm ok with being where I am right now. Which is that I'm grieving and getting over a boy and falling out of love. I don't need to rush it, there's no timeline.