moving forward

I'm scared. A little bit. I'm learning and healing...but I'm NOT READY!!! And I think God knows that, so I'm just going to pray that He knows what's best and trust in Him to know what to do.

The worst way to get over a boy is to fall into the arms of another. That goes for getting over girls too. I've never done it before, and I'd HATE to start now. I can't exactly expect to lock myself in a closet until I'm completely over jim, and I can't sit here avoiding all new experiences because I'm afraid of moving on. Don't worry I'm not doing that. But I can't help feeling like something in my equilibrium is shifting. I met a person who I really like...as a person.

He's given me hope in the Lord to know that there's nothing wrong with wanting something good. Not too long ago, I remember hearing about a couple where the girl loves the guy because he pushes her to love the Lord. What a remarkable concept! I asked myself, "How come I've never dated a guy that pushes me to want to love the Lord more?? That would be amazing!" Ever since that moment, I've secretly prayed and wanted that so badly. But somehow, I never imagined it being possible. Because no matter how much I demanded or hoped or wanted for a relationship to push me towards something good, it's never really happened to me before.

And then recently, I met someone that believes in that too! Someone who's "goal in life is to obey God's leading in everything he does, regardless of the cost and his own desires". "This means discerning His will step by step, not assuming more than He's revealed, diligently planning but holding loosely to my plans. Obviously this is a lofty goal, and I fail at it every day, but that's what I strive to do. I hope that's your goal as well."

We've been emailing back and forth and it just so happens that he lives really close to where my parents live. I mentioned wanting to find a church to attend while I am going to be living at home in the next few months to study for the GMAT, visiting schools, and applying to school. So given that my return is imminent, he recommended that we set some expectations given the nature of how we met. And he was plain and honest about his intentions.

And then he said something even more remarkable and a completely novel concept to me:

"In relationships (and friendships with women as well) this means it's my role to guard the woman's heart so that her heart and emotions are wrapped up in God and not in any hope for the future with me. If I can't guarantee something will happen (and obviously since I don't know the future, I can't), then I don't want her to expect it and then be let down later. She might be expecting it or placing excessive hope in a possible romantic future by my leading her on either through active flirting or passive ambiguous or lack of communication of intentions. This of course can lead to heartbreak and an emotional distraught state (subsequently requiring time to heal) if it doesn't come to fruition... which it often doesn't. I've been on the wrong end of this. If you want to take the Gospel to this, it happens because hope is placed in something other than Christ - a man or a woman - and that person cannot be God and always come through. Also, we can't predict the future."

In a way, it's sort of funny and every time I read it I chuckle to myself a little bit because it's very chivalrous I suppose. It's a little bit presumptuous and yet, it's incredibly new. I don't know exactly how I feel about it yet, but I've never had anyone tell me that they want to protect my heart. Even if it's that they want to protect all women's hearts. But in particular, some guy doesn't want me liking him because he doesn't know if that's what God wants. I feel like in our society, everyone is dying to get noticed, dying to be loved, dying to find someone to love, and in the case of romance, the more the merrier, and its better to date as many people as you can to figure out what you like and who your compatible with. Most people don't take into the consideration of God's plans or His will. A lot of relationships and marriages are built on this vague concept of "compatibility." When in fact at some point or another, most couples will feel very compatible or incompatible depending on circumstances, location, emotions, influences...the list goes on. We are constantly struggling to find ourselves and be compatible with our own values, how could anyone be expected to be a stable compatible person with someone else? Now of course, a lot of people manage to cope or thrive on these changes in circumstances and remain true to themselves. But I honestly believe that it is almost impossible without a strong belief system and God Himself.

Then there was his whole philosophy on what God give and takes away:
"What He has yet to give, don't assume He will or try to figure it out. What He doesn't give, trust that He knows your needs better than you do. What He takes away was necessary to give something better." Interesting huh?

Finally his opinions on dating was something very well put: "The purpose of dating is to determine marital compatibility. For me, this means three conditions: 1) the man is ready, 2) the woman is ready, 3) the man and woman are compatible" Simple and to the point. No wishy washy dating helps you discover who you are, gives you a chance to be in love, enables you to be really happy with another person...

In a way, I feel a little bit guilty talking to him even though all of this is so great to hear and witness, because I feel like I have the capacity to ruin people. I'm afraid that I'm not healed enough to even know what the right thing to do is, and I wish that I was stronger in my faith to say that I totally believe in those things.

I'm also noticing how lofty I am. At first I was relieved to hear that he didn't expect anything from me. I thanked God for bringing someone so wise and good into my life to be an example. "A light and salt." I'm really grateful that God is giving me real examples of what I've been missing out on. Showing me how different my life could be, and helping me solidify my own beliefs on dating, marriage, faith, and the Gospel.

But then how quickly the heart falls away and how easily tempted we are. I started to feel a sense of insecurity and negative feelings toward what he was saying. A little nagging voice said, "Look, he just doesn't like you and he's trying to be polite by saying don't expect too much. You always fantasize about more than there really is, and you'll never be happy. You've already set up expectations in your mind, don't deny it! You'd be a fool to think that someone that good would actually give you a chance, you're broken and sad. You're 'used goods'!!" I had to literally, yell back SHUT UP! Leave me alone. You have nothing on me. The Lord is my Lord, and I will not be afraid of you. I am brave and I am strong because the Lord is on my side!

I really don't want to make the same mistakes this time!! I'm getting good at breaking up, especially with the extra practice lately. But I'm terrified and really bad at starting anew. I feel like the whole start of my 'relationship' (which was NOT a relationship at all) with jim was a total failure. We used the euphemism that I picked up after hearing Julia say that jim told her we were 'seeing' each other to cover up the lack of purpose, responsibility, and commitment. We wanted to make it a class above "oh we're just hooking up" to seem like respectable college seniors about to graduate.

And yet to this day, it still remains one of the happiest times that I've ever spent with a boy. Because it was easy and fun. It was 'light and airy' I'd say. No responsibilities, no commitments, just a lot of good times, being attracted to each other, most of it was physical, some of the emotional stuff grew later on, but definitely not an eyes wide open relationship. Like they say, It was so wrong and yet it felt so good.

Ugh, it makes me so sick thinking about it. That is not how I was meant to live!!

Something lightish/airy

Ok, so it appears that I am quickly on my way to writing a book, can you tell? I feel like there are just too many thoughts swimming around in my head. Spinning and building on each other like electrons bouncing off of one another to produce electromagnetic energy! hahhaha..is that even the right word?? But nevertheless, I am grateful and smiling that these thoughts come and go, and I seem to have picked up some vague sense of direction and purpose through all this.

I wish I could say it's no big deal, I'm just some silly 24 year old girl who still has tons to learn about relationships, love, life, purpose, God, and whatever else that I dont know that I don't know about. Which by the way, is very much true. But as I am, I take things way too seriously sometimes that needn't be so serious and don't take other things as seriously as I should. This is all again quite vague and useless. But still comforting to say aloud. And write in a blog, I suppose.

Can I just say I'm totally overdramatizing a lot of my emotions because of this book I'm reading? Eat, pray, love. This woman in her mid-thirties, goes through a divorce and then a devastating end to a relationship, is broken and in pieces. She writes about her journey to find herself and learns how to love. I am NOT that woman, and I am NOT going to pretend that I am some broken soul who has lost her way in a midlife crisis bound to suffer through an entire year of pain and sorrow to pull herself out of a deep depression. This is stupid. Yes, I'm sad and lonely at times. Woopdeedoo, of course I'd get sad and lonely. It's because I'm in the freakin' middle of nowhere Germany with barely anyone that I know. No friends nearby, only people who speak broken English. Didn't have air conditioning for the first month and a half, and it's the middle of summer with almost 100 degree weather now. I work long hours with a team that's predominately male, married, not very attractive, not very endearing, and sometimes hard to relate to people. I didn't just lose the one true love of my life, the only person I ever loved, a person I gave myself to, and broke my heart into pieces. That's not how it happened, and I need to start focusing on the reality of the situation. I stopped loving him a while ago. That ended for good. I was more in love with the idea that someone somehow wanted to spend his life with me. It was amusing to me, I was curious, I let it carry on for way too long.

Yes, I made some mistakes. They weren't pretty. I acted in ways that I can only hope to not act with someone that I love and cherish dearly. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. But hey, you know what, people make mistakes. Some people make them twice in a row. Even many times in row. Some people are too stupid to realize that they don't know what they want even though they claim to know what they want. Some people come crawling back and begging for another chance, only to get it and then somehow change their minds. But you know what? I'm gonna let that slide. Honestly I am. Because in the end, it all really just doesn't matter.

What happened happened. Can't change the past. What other bad euphemisms and cliches can I throw into this mix? Sorry. Need to...Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a man now, and in your dream its time to do the best you can now. (Random, but great Gym Class Hero song)

I'd like to pray - hope - trust - and invest effort - into being a good person. To some day be kind, patient, not boastful, not envious, not easily angered, ever faithful, ever true, ever forgiving, and ever hopeful - when I am spending it with the person that I am meant to love forever. I'd like to be this eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, everlasting rock of support and foundation, and always capable to giving my heart and soul to that person. I can only hope and pray!! right now at least. But I do want that! I do, Lord, do you hear me?? I want to be that person. I also want a family. With kids. Lots of kids. Ok, maybe just however many kids you think I can handle God. But I'd like to be a mother some day. Yes. That's settled.

I love thinking about that. Because I'm still young, very much passionate and determined. I know that God will mold me into that if I really trust in Him. I just know it! I can't speed up the process by saying fast forward 10 years please. I can't read into my future and see who I end up with. I can't sit back, relax and just wait till that person shows up on my front door step. I don't have a front doorstep right now anyway, so that wouldn't work. I have to be willing to grow into a person that's deserving of that awesomely cool guy who will push me to love the Lord and see through my insecurities (at times, because let's be honest, I'll always have some insecurities, maybe not as many as I do now, but they'll always be there). I hope that person will be willing to stick it out till the end. Who won't give up on me so easily. But also, I really have to step up and be willing to follow through on my end as well. No more of this whining needy crap when I starting falling for someone. I read somewhere that people get that way when it's an infatuation, not love, built on a shaky foundation that lacks trust and a common mutual goal or a serious future. Hmm...that sounds about right.

I will inevitably have to train myself to see past the immediate present circumstances or whatever else that's bothering me, making me irritable, irrational, crazy and inconsolable. Learn to deal with it. And then move on. Not drag it out like a dead horse, and suck all the love, or whatever you want to call it, from the other person so that they don't even recognize you anymore. I'm sure I wouldn't recognize myself and would be utterly embarrassed if someone video taped or recorded everything I said and did in those moments.

But here's the thing. I'm going to get back that confidence like I always do. And I'm going to be that happy, independent, self-reliant, go-lucky person again real soon. And the tricky part is to not let myself assume that I'm cured. I need to NOT let myself just slip right back into my old ways, find some guy, fall in love, do happy things together, go camping, play at the beach, run around like teenagers and have no responsibilities. And God forbid, if jim changes his mind again, that boy would be him again. I know it could happen, because jim is the perfect boy/best friend for my imaginary teenage love affair. Also, because I'm not holding a grudge. I'm really terrible at holding grudges and I pride myself on forgiving others easily. Myself - not so much. But I'm really trying hard to forgive him for all of it, clean slate, no blame game, no ill-will harboured here, nothing. letting go of the bad karma between me and his family, accepting them entirely for who they are, if our pathes should cross only happy thoughts and positive acts toward them. Getting all of the smart sarcastic comments outa my system. For good. If I should see him, again, only happy thoughts and wishing him all the blessings in the world. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. soon perhaps.

I send him a prayer / a blessing every time I miss him, and surprisingly also every time I get angry/sad/upset/furious. It's the same response: Lord please bless jim and help him through this tough time, be with him and show him that You are full of Grace. help him find peace and happiness. keep him whole, keep him strong, and keep him away from me.

that's it.

Did I mention, I just really don't want to make the same mistakes again? I'd hate for history to keep repeating itself.

why do i feel so sad this time around? has it been much easier for you? if so, then the world is always balanced I suppose. last time when we broke up, it was a lot easier for me to move on. but now this time, the balance has shifted. and it feels nearly impossible!

July 11 Hanover sstruggles

I have to admit, these past couple of days have taken a huge toll on me. I feel like I've climbed through this narrow hole through meandering pipes and still have yet to see the light fully.

I think it's supposed to be some type of metaphor: my glasses broke last weekend while I was in Paris, and I was waiting on another pair from my parents this whole week. It never came. At work, I was reduced to seeing about a foot in front of me and had to hunch over my computer so much that it caused me unbearable neck and shoulder pain which was further exacerbated by the lousy excuse for pillows at the Best Western in Langenhagen. My manager and I complained endlessly this entire week because it was over 95 degrees (around 37*C) the entire week and the hotel didn't have a bit of AC. The room that I stayed in was tiny and basically a greenhouse without plants throughout the entire day.

Finally, the weekend came and I was still blind. It made things rather difficult throughout the day because walking through 95 degree heat, barely seeing what's around you and then returning to a sauna for a hotel just seemed like hell on earth. Literally.

Finally, we switched a fancier hotel in Hanover, which blasts AC till I'm frozen. It feels great. I slept till almost 10:30AM on Saturday. Then took another nap Saturday afternoon around 3PM. I was starting to think that I'm depressed. It did certainly feel that way yesterday. I barely got myself around Hanover to see a few things, have lunch, and then read a lot. I read my new found obsession book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Liz I've come to know her as. Then I read some books about German culture, then some stuff about Stuttgart, and then, I finally finished The Little Prince. That's when I hit depression mode and went to sleep in the afternoon.

Later that night, I tried to go to sleep again, but couldn't. Naturally because I had been sleeping so much. But I was achy, tired, and just wanted to sleep more. There was a "festival" going on outside with loud American music blasting outside my window. I considered moving rooms but then thought maybe a nice bubble bath would help. I tried everything to tire myself out. But my mind just kept racing. I remember feeling this way a lot during the summers a year ago, when I just couldn't sleep, I'd roll around in bed, and become antsy and miserable. But I guess I'm lucky that I'm all alone and can't exactly torment anyone else near me. I instantly felt bad when it occurred to me that this is just something that I do, I go through these phases of nervous energy, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and it's often inexplicable. But if I happen to be near someone that loves me, I'll often attribute it to them and something lacking between us. Anyway, I felt guilty. And then I felt sad. And then of course, I wanted to make amends. I wanted to somehow make up for all the wrongs that I've ever done.

I think I prayed a lot last night. I asked God to heal me, I also asked God to teach me to love and be loved. I prayed deliberately for the ability to truly love someone and be loved by someone. I asked for the ability to forgive myself and for grace. I wanted to move on, but to learn something from this experience. I wanted to trust in Him but also work on not making the same mistakes in the future. On one hand, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance, for things to be OK again, for something to be resolved. I wanted to ask jim for forgiveness for everything that I did, and I wanted us to come to some type of common understanding for why things ended the way they did, for us to end on good terms like we did last time, and for us to be on talking terms. But then I knew that it wasn't in the cards for us this time around. I knew that I needed to trust in God to know what's best, and right now it meant just letting it go. Being able to forgive myself without receiving forgiveness from jim.

Finally around 2am or so, after a long bubble bath, a room change, several more conversations with God, I fell asleep. Sometime during the night, I had a dream. In my dream, I think I was at jim's apartment or at his house somewhere. We were talking, and I think we reached an agreement to give it another chance, for us to redo all of the wrongs and make them right. He asked me to stay over, I said that I really wanted to, but the right thing to do would be for us to take it slow and for me to go home. I'd see him in a few days I'm sure. I could feel how hard it was for me to leave, and it tore me up from the inside, but in the end I left and it felt really good to leave knowing that I did the right thing.

I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up! I hated that dream. I hated the fact that there was still a part of me that wanted to get back together with him. I hated admitting that. I hated that after my extensive conversations, prayers, meditations, waiting and listening to God, I still fell victim to my weaknesses and had a dream like that. What was I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to get past this if my subconscious still really wanted to get back together with him?? Why is God letting this happen?? I just don't get it!!

I got out of bed, it was 11:40AM already. I said to myself: That's it, it's confirmed I'm depressed. Nobody sleeps this much. I took a deep breath, and something in me stirred. I am not admitting defeat! No, I don't care what happened last night or the night before, I'm moving forward. Determined.

I went and found my favorite place to sit, ordered an extra large cafe au lait and got the apple pie instead of the usual croissant. Apple pie is more of a comfort food. I'm going to treat myself extra nice today.

And then it occurred to me, what was so wrong about my dream after all? I did a really good thing in it. I left, I demonstrated the ability to have self-control and was patient. Isn't that how I wished I could've acted? God's giving me the chance to practice in my dreams! It doesn't mean that I'm destined to go back to him or that I desperately want to get back together; maybe all it meant was that I got to do a replay in my mind and it was supposed to build some confidence in me for the future. I liked that.

I have to admit I will continue to struggle with this idea of destiny and free will. I probably will struggle with it for life, and that's OK too. I read today that destiny is a relationship - of divine grace and willful self-effort. It is the act of trusting in God's will but also exerting free will. The two are undoubtedly contradictory yet magnificent.

I also had another moment of grace today, when I found something beautiful that I am currently experiencing and will one day tell my daughter. "Some day you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it...in a place of worship surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it."

I do plan to savour every bit of this grieving time. Not only because it's so heart wrenching but because I intend to train my appetite to distinguish every subtle complexity of these emotions.

Finally, one note about soulmates:

People think a soulmate is a perfect fit, but a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. They tear down your walls and smack you awake. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. It'd be too hard to live with a soulmate forever. They break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, and then introduce (or reacquaint) you to your maker...
That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.

July 8 Hanover

It hasn't been that long since my last entry. But I'm dying. There's something incredibly sucky about Thursdays for me. Especially in the field of consulting, Thursdays are the equivalent of Fridays in regular people's lives, but it usually has more significance. Because on Thursdays, consultants get to leave work early, catch a ride to the airport and fly home to their families! Or friends, and see loved ones, pets, look forward to sleeping in their beds, something familiar and comfortable. It is also the day that basically transitions from work away from life back into regular life. It is the afternoon/evening at the airport where consultants think about how they want to spend their weekends, what types of "normal" responsibilities they may have; it's when mundane tasks like cooking, laundry, mowing the lawn, and making the bed now come into the picture. But to me, all of those things sound so distant and unattainable. I miss having a home to return to on Thursdays. I wish I could look forward to a familiar bed with my pillows. Scratch the chin of my cat, find familiar things just the way I left them, recognize smells, raid the pantry for my favorite snacks, cook up a storm, bake goodies for the week, all of that. I miss having someone to go home to. Someone to share my week of stories and tell my secrets. Someone to lay in bed with and just relax because I deserve to relax after a hard long week.

I know it's been a while since I even paid for rent. I haven't had an apartment to myself since I moved out of the Preston back in mid-March. After that I was just literally living from one weekend to the next on people's couches, friends' beds, hotel rooms, my parents' place, other people's parents place...but I guess that was different because I wasn't traveling as much. I had the familiarity of DC to remind me of what "home" was. I felt at home and comfortable in that city. I had friends to keep my company and feel close to.

Now, Thursdays are just a day when all my clients get to go home to their families, and I'm stuck in some suburb of Hanover, Germany. Actually, let me be honest here. Since I've been staffed here in Germany, I've actually only spent the first weekend here in Hanover. All the rest I was traveling all over Europe: Amsterdam, Istanbul, Hamburg, Cologne, Paris, and now. I guess it's just not having any plans that's making me antsy. But even last week when I was at the airport getting ready to go to Paris, one of my favorite cities - if not the favorite city of mine, I still felt incredibly sad and lonely. I guess flying home to someone that you love will always be better than flying to Paris any day of the year.

Last week, I couldn't help but let the thought of having jim there instead of alexa cross my mind. I thought what if we had held out and not fought and i had flown him across the Atlantic to see me in Paris? Would things have been OK? Would I have had a good time with him? I let myself picture it every so often during my weekend, and every time the answer was no. I knew that had it been jim there, stakes would have been higher I would've wanted us to be super happy super cute super everything. a lot more pressure, a lot more expectations, and a lot of disappointment. I wouldn't have been so easy going, so appreciative of all the small things. i would've panicked when the smallest thing was off, or if i wasn't happy or if he wasn't happy, i'd flip out. i'd constantly be catering to him to make sure that he was having a good time, feeling ok in the heat, liking what we ate, what we saw, what we do...all of it. and all at the same time, i'd want him to be nice to me, and care for me, and love me and basically let me eat his soul. i just lost it. i lost my ability to be me with him. somewhere along the way, i lost it and there's no going back.

July 6 Paris Reflections

Amazed, grateful, inspired, loved, and at peace

Right now - I’m at the Charles de Gaulle airport, terminal 2G. After some anxiety of getting around this labyrinth of an airport, and taking a few different buses – I’m all settled with about two hours before my flight boards. All I can think about is how happy I am. So grateful for my weekend in Paris…I hope I can do it justice with words, but here’s a try.

I was once asked why I loved Paris so much. I think I have a better answer this time around. Paris is a place where my soul can sing. I felt the warmth of music, art, love, passion, food, and everything that life has to offer when in Paris. I feel renewed and inspired. These past few days, I didn’t feel like a tourist, I felt like a human being living the life that I was meant to live! One of my favorite memories is when I walked through the subways, and stumbled upon a string group playing Pachelbel Canon, beautifully. The acoustics were amazing in the middle of beehive subway station. The music filled the air and I felt my heart swell up with emotion and love. The song has a great significance to me not because it’s the most commonly played song at weddings, but because as a young violinist it was the first song that I fell in love with and took great lengths to play well.

And then, despite the many unanswered questions still resting in my heart, I made up my mind about one thing. I will get a dog someday. This weekend, I got to play with the cutest puppies. We wandered upon a row of pet stores along this street by the river. I didn’t expect to find puppies because typical pet stores in the States don’t usually have dogs. But these stores had plenty of puppies of all types. Labs, English and French bulldogs, beagles, boxers…but I fell for the Jack Russells. The shop owner wouldn’t let us play with them at first because Jack Russells are too hyper and tend to run out of their cage; but after I stood there in love for almost 20 minutes, he opened them up and let me play with them. My heart just melted! Every so often, you can catch them in a moment of stillness. There was this sadness about the Jack Russell’s when they were just sitting there calm and still, it was absolutely adorable. It was like they wanted to be loved, waiting for the right person to come along and take them home. They knew that something was missing in their lives. But the majority of the time, they were completely crazy, restless, happy, needy, and full of energy. They’d wrestle with each other, run around in circles, lick and chew on everything and everyone, and beg for attention. I can relate.

This trip also reinforced my deep yearning desire to actually live in Paris one day. I want to raise my kids here, especially if I have a daughter. I will do everything possible to make sure that she spends a few years as a child in Paris. Instead of reading her books or teaching her history, I will take her to the Louvre, Musee d’Orsay, Pompidou, Victor Hugo’s house, Van Gough, Picasso, Rodin…all of it. I’d want her to love the Louvre just like I do, but if she chooses to love impressionism or modern art at the Musee d’Orsay or Pompidou and have a thing for Monet or Manet, Cezanne, Degas, or Van Gough, then so be it. I’d still love her. But I’d teach her about real beauty through the paintings; I’d show her that beauty doesn’t mean skinny arms, man like musculature, chiseled bone structure, and million dollar shoes. Beauty has evolved throughout the years. It is complex and mysterious. Those paintings of naked women, full and voluptuous, confident and radiant, front and center will be a stark contrast from the fashion magazines and Victoria secret models. I’d want her to discover her inner beauty by looking at all of those that came before her and let her choose what type of beautiful she wants to be.

There’s so much that I felt and experienced this weekend. I’m trying to spit it all out before I forget or move on to the next thought. I’m afraid that I’ll lose them if I don’t describe all of these memories and emotions while they are still fresh in my mind. It was almost overwhelming…but breathtaking at the same time. I’m sorry I’m not doing this justice because I feel rushed in my reflections, when in fact my time in Paris was just the opposite. It was slow and subtle. Patient and kind, not boastful or extravagant. I’ll try to take my time and give it the time that it deserves.

The food. The people. The sights. The spirit. The diversity. The depth and complexity. I’ll take you through it one at a time.

The river that runs through the city reminds me of Rome and the Tiber River. There are lots of bridges to take you back and forth between the north and south side of the city. Some of the best sights are along the river, the Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower, Pompidou, Musee d’Orsay…But what struck me the most about the river was the people that sat along the river in the evenings. Mostly students and young people, with some teenagers, and some older couples filled the entire two banks. They would linger late at night with bottles of cheap wine, beer, some hard alcohol, crackers and cheeses. Everyone sat in groups or as couples, and talked for hours and hours. So much to talk about. Outside, lingering, and enjoying the night. Couples embraced and kissed passionately as if it was their last kiss on earth. No one stared (except for maybe me and a few other Americans), but it was so well accepted. I really appreciated that. What we call PDA can actually be a true manifestation of love or passion. It was pretty sweet. They weren’t a bit apologetic or embarrassed of their emotions. They were in love and happy to make a statement to the world about it.

After spending the majority of the past month in Germany eating potatoes and some form of pork, I thoroughly enjoyed a weekend away to experience French cuisine. All in all, I think we had about 4-5 baguettes and a pretty giant chunk of brie. My favorite meal was the first night, I had mackerel as the first course, and the entrée was some sort of bird wrapped in bacon with amazing peas, carrots, and vegetables. For dessert, we had figs and pears soaked in honey and red wine. It was pretty amazing. The small cozy restaurant was completely packed, service was excellent, and atmosphere reminded me of being in an Italian villa. One of the other favorite meals was moules and frites: A popular shared dish between Alexa and me. It left a familiar taste just like dinners after Bistrot du Coin. The moules we chose were in a cream sauce that wasn’t a bit too heavy. The mushrooms kept their texture and taste in tact to complement the bread. Dijon mustard, ketchup, and one portion too much of mayonnaise accompanied our frites. The caraf of rose wine we shared was just enough to get us both a good buzz. The last meal Alexa and I had together was at the highly recommended Le Bistrot d’Henri, but unfortunately it didn’t live up to our expectations. My pork and pasta was decent but not amazing. The portion was way too much. Alexa’s duck and potatoes were tough to handle. The duck was impossible to cut with the butter knife they provided, and even with a steak knife, it just wasn’t very tasty or edible. We did start out with great pastries every morning though; I think there were quite a few chocolate and regular croissants. I also had a decadent peace tart on puff pastry. OH I almost forgot, the first meal I had on Friday morning was the cream of mushroom soup with puff pastry. It was the most amazing cream of mushroom soup I’ve ever had!! This takes the whole Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup and basically turns it into the equivalent of camel spit/American coffee to Italian espresso. The puff pastry was flaky and buttery, perfection. The soup was to die for. Then there was Laduree and the macaroons there. Pistacchio and vanilla for Alexa, raspberry and coffee for me! Met a random CEO of some Germany company who invited me to visit him in two weeks when I’m in Stuttgart. Boy did he love to hear himself talk. Certainly made me question how great being extraverted is...can't imagine how he sleeps at night. The macaroons were extremely expensive, sort of felt like the whole Serendipity feel of overpriced, overhyped, and overcrowded desserts. We spent the only cab ride to a closed Angelina’s where we were hoping to get hot chocolate after spending a chilly evening sitting by the Eiffel Tower.

The one baguette and a chunk of brie were complemented by a small bottle of red wine atop the Montmartre Sarcre Coeur Chapel. What an odd place? The Chapel was absolutely breathtaking – it was like an ancient mosque-like structure dropped on a hill in the middle of Paris. I inflamed my left knee climbing to the top of that hill, but well worth it. The whole scene though was a bit off putting. The entire hill around the Chapel (a church of God) was green and grassy, but littered with trash and beer cans. Hooligans and people of all walks of life were just sitting around waiting for something to happen. Some met friends for drinks, while others waited opportunistically for aloof tourists. At one point, about a handful of police cars drove in and out of the roads while some policemen ran around chasing people. It reminded me of the time at Gallery Place/Chinatown in DC where the policemen chased down teenagers on the streets like a stampede after an under 17 club let out. But this occurrence was completely inexplicable to a newcomer like myself. Everyone around me sitting on the hill cheered and hooted, almost in a taunting way when the police started to chase down the people. I can attempt to make up a back story for what happened, but it’s likely to be entirely false.

We watched the Germany vs. Argentina game at The Great Canadian, where I had a strongbow. The game was fantastic. I was certainly cheering for the right team. I had a moment of weakness and had to leave during half-time and sit outside for five minutes past the half-time break. But luckily I didn’t miss any goals. I had my iphone with me, and despite the urge to drunk dial someone, I remembered how that whole experience turned out last weekend when I had a Sunday breakfast drink and then proceeded to act petulant and inconsolable. I missed the first half of the Germany game last Sunday. I wasn’t about to miss another game due to lack of self-control. Instead, I prayed and read a few verses on love, patience, and faith. It settled my heart and reminded me of how good I can be. I’m glad I didn’t make the same mistake twice in one World Cup week.

The conversations that Alexa and I had were incredibly timely and impactful, at least on me. After quite some time apart and few and far in between phone calls, we were able to reconnect. Things have definitely changed since college, the stakes are higher and issues are more serious, I suppose. What used to be around boyfriends, classes, different social circles, etc. etc. has now turned into marriage discussions, kids, sacrifices, careers, and family expectations. On one hand it was incredibly nice to have someone to relate to, and someone who makes similar but different mistakes. We both constantly struggle patience, control, expectations, demands, all that… but I wouldn’t say it was comforting because there were more questions than answers that came out of those conversations. And in some ways, we were both left to be content with waiting and hoping.

It’s definitely tough being a minority (female and ethnic minority) that is. We both struggle with the expectations and preferences of our culture versus mainstream values. For me, obviously marrying a Chinese boy would make so many aspects of family life easier on my parents and future in-laws. Then there’s the whole career versus family question. In so many respects, we are taught at young age by our parents that we need to be selfish and pursue higher education, be the best and brightest. Be just as smart if not smarter than the boys. We shouldn’t let anything get in the way. Especially boys. They forbid us to date, but then sometime around the mid-twenties they tell us bam! Time to get married, have kids, go! It just doesn’t make sense. I do want to be selfish. I want to be happy. I don’t want to settle (down). The thought of marriage and kids just seems like shackles at this point. And I guess I’m just not smart enough to have both, yet.

I have been thinking a lot lately in light of recent events in my personal life. This past week was definitely a transformational one. After a busy Monday to Thursday, I sat at the airport in Hanover before my flight to Paris last Thursday afternoon and literally cried by myself for 30 minutes. It was incredibly cathartic. I could feel God’s hands on me healing me. It was also incredibly humbling. I hid most of those emotions for a later, more appropriate time, which turned out to be Thursday afternoon. When all of the sudden, this gushing wave of emotion just burst. I felt guilty, spent, sad, miserable, lonely, hallow, abandoned, but mostly I felt like a terrible person. I saw through the mirror and it was ugly. I was brutally honest with myself about my flaws and blamed everything that had happened on me. I caused someone a lot of anger, pain, resentment, negative feels, disappointment, sadness…etc. I did a bad thing, and I knew it. I wanted to make up for it. I wanted to make amends. I wanted to change, to be better, and to be good again. I wanted vindication!! I wanted to scream out loud, “I am not a needy, selfish, and insecure brat! I swear, I’m not!”

Aaahahaha…I’m laughing about it now because I can still see myself in that moment desperately wanting to prove a point. It’s no use, I am who I am. I’m happily embracing it now, and looking forward. I have to believe that I can change, and that God does want me to change. One day I will be a patient, humble, considerate, faithful and true person. I’m not the complete opposite of all those things right now, and this weekend spending it with Alexa, I also learned to be kind to myself. I don’t want to blame anyone, and I don’t need to be so hard on myself.

I can’t just say that I’ll never be that ugly person again, it could happen. If I were to be put in a similar position right now, it could likely happen over and over again. I don’t have it all sorted out, and there are plenty of unanswered questions. But I know one thing for sure, God is an awesome God, He loves me and He really wants me to be good. He’ll do anything to make sure that I am doing what’s best and what will make me happy. I will trust in Him!

And so, this weekend has definitely left me feeling: Amazed, grateful, inspired, loved, and at peace

July 7 Hanover - back to work after paris

dear Lord,

I guess I keep moving in the wrong direction. i should have never had sex before marriage. true. i should have never moved in with a boy that i didn't want to marry. true. i should have never tried to disobey you. i should have never dated a non-christian. i shouldn't have given him a second chance.

i miss baltimore though. i miss it terribly. i saw a craigslist ad about a place in st. paul near mt. vernon. i used to live there, that used to be my home - mt. vernon, baltimore. the art's district, restaurants on St. Paul and Charles St, The Charles Theatre, and the train station...they were all my "hood". it meant so much to me because i chose it, with a boy. i chose to move in with someone. Not only is that one of those monumental life steps that you take like going to college, getting engaged, getting married, having a baby...it is also something that was meant to be extremely rewarding. why does it hurt so much to think about? because the whole thing was so happy and now it's gone.

...the nights of cuddling up and watching a movie, or watching lightning and thunder storms from our 10 foot windows. Oh those windows...I had my parents buy us new custom made curtains that would fit the dimensions perfectly. There was so much happiness about that apartment. Dancing in our large living room with or without music, cooking and baking a billion things in a tiny kitchen, throwing him a surprise birthday party in the middle of summer and having all our guests sweat it out until we finally move out to the side walk to grill. Marko and Liz were so helpful and gracious, they brought all this delicious meat to grill. I can't say much about the bathroom except that there was a shower that was nice and used often. My bedroom was beautifully decorated, one of the first rooms that I actually took the effort to personalize. It was so big and spacious, and my deep wine coloured curtains made the room as dark as I needed. It was also the cooler one of the bedrooms because he was sweet enough to give me the air conditioning unit. His room was smaller, hotter, and not as decorated. It had all the essentials, a bed, a desk, all that. And it had his own personal space and his weights, posters, a billion shoes just hanging out everywhere. I remember I used to go in there when he wasn't around and just stand there hoping to catch a glimpse or a smell of him. Sometimes, I'd tidy up a little bit, arrange his shoes in a certain order, pick up a few things here and there and arrange them in an orderly way. I'd never do too much though, I wouldn't actually want him to notice that I picked up after them. Because God forbid he confuses me with his mom! What a travesty! I'd hate for him to think I was becoming a wifey figure or something responsible.

I remember the day I moved out, I walked into his room without any regard as if it still was accessible to me. I placed a few things on his desk and in his drawers that I wanted to return or for him to keep. I stood there for a moment as I always did, taking everything in, breathing in the moment, looked around and again tried to catch a glimpse or a smell of him.

I really did love that apartment.

Anything else? That's all I think of right now...so the best thing to do is to collect those memories, place them in a box, and hide it away in a closet somewhere for a later time.

I have to be holistic, we did have fights there. A few bad ones stick out in my mind. There were quite a few nights that we'd try to sleep apart from each other, most of them failed, but once or twice we succeeded. but there wasn't a success story to it. sometimes i felt trapped in that apartment. mostly because i built up these invisible walls that I couldn't escape. the walls initially made me feel safe with someone that i deeply loved and cared about, but then the walls became a barrier to the outside world. it was hard to even crawl outside to go to work or down the street to yoga classes or do anything else by myself. all i wanted to do was be with him or sit around waiting for him. that was kind of pathetic now that i think about it.

I'm not ready to digest all of these memories. I can't be completely objective about it quite yet, I still miss him and want apologize for everything that I did wrong. I want to go back and do things differently. To scream, I'm not that needy or insecure I promise!

My mind sometimes wanders/wonders back to all the things that he said in the past month or so. I remember how he said we'd study together, him for his boards, and me for the gmat. I was so conflicted when he said that. On one hand, it was cute and I thought how nice it'd be to be with him again when I heard it. It was like we actually had some figment of a future, at least a near future, together. But along the lines of my whole addiction theory, it was like someone dangling a small piece of the happiness I was addicted to, in front of me. I saw it, and I knew that I'd like it, but I also was repulsed by it. There was a part of me that screamed, "Nooo! i don't want to study with you, i know i'd never get any studying done, and i'd do badly on my exam, stay away from me!"

Same reaction with when he said he'd like to pick me up at the airport. I saw in my mind, and there was that feeling of oh my I'm gonna get some of that good stuff now...I saw him, flowers, big smile, I imagined me running into his arms, falling into his arms, feeling whole and completed, and relieved. It'd be so amazing to see him - having him pick me up at the airport is so romantic. But then i stepped back and after the phone call my perfect image disappeared, and reality hit in - where would he take me after he picked me up? where would we go? to his apartment? i didn't belong there. to my parent's house? he didn't belong there, it wouldn't be fair to spring this on my parents and just have him show up. we'd have to separate eventually. i'd have to go to atlanta, and miss him again. what then? how would we cope with the distance? how would we start a relationship when we barely saw each other? when would i have time for myself? when would i take my gmat, go visit business schools, invest in my future when all i wanted to do was be with him and lay in bed and roll in the sheets all day long?? all the little questions started to poke giant holes into my beautiful picture of happiness. finally it was all torn up and unrecognizable. i knew it. just the idea of seeing him and having to leave him again tore me up inside, it made me feel vulnerable and weak, anxious and unsettled, small and scared. having a weekend with him was going to do more damage than good, and i knew it. the next time we talked, i screamed at him for tangling unattainable happiness in front of me. it wasn't fair of me to put that on him. i had no idea how all those little things impacted how i saw my future. but a part of me knew that it was impossible for me to get into business school and still be with him at this point in my life. so when the whole thing finally came tumbling down again, that's why there was a sigh of relief, it was like i knew i'd be able to get into HBS now. i knew i'd be a successful capable human being again. and i only had God to thank for it. i thanked Him for loving me enough to do what was best when I couldn't do it for myself. I thanked Him for intervening and for His Grace. i also said a smaller thank you to jim. for being the one to pull the trigger.

7/1 - 7/3 Paris - after paris after just reading eat pray love

alexa and i spent the weekend in Paris and it did heal me to a certain extent. she was God-sent. she brought me a book: Eat, Pray, Love. the writing reminds me of me, but the author is a lot more jaded, messed up, and talented. i literally sat on the plane from paris to hanover smiling, laughing and crying the whole way as i read the book. it's so heart wrenching but healing at the same time.

i know that jim isn't the right person for me, and i know i have no right to ask that he becomes my friend again. i say that he was my best friend, but i think in reality he was my drug dealer. i knew that we shared moments of intense happiness and passion. complete trust and vulnerability, moments when time stood still and all was at peace. we were both completely consumed and satisfied by our love (or lust) for each other. it was a high that sent dopamine signals in my brain like crazy. those moments happen to be sex related. but also, times when i was completely settled happy and not worrying about everything else in my life. just capable of pushing away all my fears, worries, and insecurities and just dive into him. i literally wanted to nose dive into him and eat his soul at the same time. but it certainly made me incredibly happy to have those moments. the feedback loop told me that i needed to get back to that place whenever possible. the negative and positive reinforcements were everywhere. every time he complimented me, or said i love you, or said he missed me, needed me, wanted me, my brain went into autodrive and said go! find that happy place, look for the drug. get to that perfect high. but then some days he'd withhold it from me. or i wasn't able to talk to him, or i'd miss him. because of whatever reasons, all perfectly acceptable and reasonable, he'd withhold or was unable to find that moment of perfection with me. I'd also kick into autodrive - change the situation, get him on the phone, text him, IM him...find him!!

hello, my name is tina. i was an addict. or i guess i still am. given the opportunity to see the drug, i'd probably still react in a similar manner. addicted to the way he feels about me. addicted to the way he wanted me. addicted to his words, mannerisms, stories, but mostly just how he loved me. it's absolutely sickening. every time I was sad, lonely, bored, drunk, tired, , i went searching for my next high. I wanted to be satisfied by his praises, his attention, his love. i'd do anything for it. i'd make sacrifices, move closer to be with him, more easily accessible if he has to come back to me at some point, fly him to europe, fly back to the states, pay absurd amounts for a phone bill, walk outside in the rain to get wifi, sit in a shaddy area of town to get wifi, whatever it takes. i'd talk to him and get my high.

now i am going through withdrawal. the signs are pretty clear. uncontrollable urges, the shaking, the crying, uneasiness, irrationality, irritability. i get into a loop whenever i'm in a dark place, and the thought of wanting to do everything possible to fix things. wanting to make it ok and feel somewhat ok again. i can accept a dose of the bad stuff if there is a prospect of the good stuff in stored. i can deal with more crying nights, sadness, fights, yelling, if only i could hear his voice because it would mean that the possibility of achieving that moment of perfection and extreme happiness is still intact. i just want the stuff!

note to reader: despite my long lengthy rant of addiction and drug use, i have never actually smoked anything in my life, not even a hooka. and i've never touched drugs or abused any type of substances. i am the biggest light weight, so i do get drunk easily. but i am nowhere near an alcoholic. so how do i know that this is an addiction? because of all the signs and similar reactions.

and let me clarify, this perfection that i describe is the wrong word. i know there's nothing perfect about it. most of the time, it's just the gratification of sexual urges and feeling a sense of release. being content, tired out, but peaceful with someone you love. i remember thinking and perhaps saying at one point or another, if only i could just lay in bed all day for the rest of my life, everyday with jim, and roll in the sheets. then we'd never fight. i remember when i first said i love you. i think what i really meant was "my god, i love you for the sex that we just had. and i love you for giving me that. and i will continue to love you if you will continue to deliver."

now i just feel guilty and like a horrible person, again.

i really need grace. and forgiveness at this point. and My God! is the Lord gracious and kind. every time i confess my sins, and admit what I did, it instantly gets wiped away. like a dry erase marker. gone. forever.

i know that i wasn't being honest with myself. i wanted to just have a good time, play with my best friend, do fun things like traveling, going places, trying new things. these things are certainly more fun with a partner. and dancing. dancing is always more fun with a partner.

BUT..so i've come to rediscover. there are so many things in life that are more long lasting and significant that makes me just as happy if not more. Every time I go through a breakup, after that initial shock and devastation, I feel relieved. i can finally get over my addiction because my drug dealer died. well not died, but is absolutely inaccessible and unwilling to deal to me. i have a sigh of relief, and get back to enjoying normalcy. i get back to savoring the beautiful, colorful, amazing things in life. i eat food as if it feeds my soul. i see art and hear music and it makes my soul sing. i'm curious and hungry, but satisfied and content. i want to learn about history and art. i look at people differently, i relate to them better. i care for others and i'm empathetic. i feel the pain and joy that others feel. i live life again. the cloud disappears around me. colors are brighter. sunny days are happier. the Lords voice is loud and clear. i feel his presence surrounding me and holding me up. i have great posture. i walk with more confidence. i look so damn sexy in my cute outfits. i smile bigger and brighter. i'm brave. i'm FEARLESS. the bondage of my addiction is gone.

that's not to say i don't slip back into moments of withdrawal and loss of rationality sometimes. it happens. but every time, God pulls me back and says you can do this, you know you are meant to live a beautiful life. keep going. charge ahead. be patient, wait for me. it all makes sense to me. i love Him. He is my rock. I should learn to be addicted to God and prayer and the Bible. if i need to be addicted to something. but right now, i'm happy to be on my way to the high road of recovery.

7/1 -7/3 Paris - airport in Hanover to first night in Paris alone

I can't stop crying. the last few days at work, every two or three hours, i had to get up to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. even if it was just a few seconds. eventually the bathroom became this incubator-like place for me. It was somehow a little bit warmer than the rest of the building, and there were double doors that made me feel like i was passing through to another world. a place where i can be safe to cry on my own. it also happens that there's only 1 other woman i know in this entire building and she isn't here this week, so i'm certain that no one i know will find me soppy-eyed and pathetic looking. for those mere seconds. it soon became comforting and enough to just walk into the bathroom when i thought i was about to cry, and things would just settle. i rarely let myself cry for more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time.

but then today at the airport on the way to paris, when i was still in Hanover I just broke down completely. it was like I was trying really hard to contain it all for so long, and i finally found a good quiet place away from all society to let it all out. it felt like throwing up, and so i made sure to scour a good place to do it. to do it alone.

the tears just came rushing out uncontrollably. the loud angry kind of crying with snot and everything dripping. i could sort of make out the image of myself in the reflection from the building across the street, and somehow i looked old. older.

i sat there still in tears and had this sudden urge to write a letter to jim's mom. i wanted to explain everything. i thought that maybe she'd be able to relate and somehow sympathize with me enough to make everything better. i wanted to be vindicated. to perhaps convince her to be on my side and encourage jim. i knew i'd never send it to her even though i wrote two pages or more. i don't know what the point of it was, but i suppose it was cathartic. i linked the whole experience with peter and how i didn't really assess what i did and how i felt when i was in a relationship. i ended up making similar mistakes. i wasn't ready.

but then today when i got to the hotel, the sense of pain and loneliness hit harder than it's been. probably because im in a new place, new environment. i tried to numb the pain by doing something stupid. i watched porn on my computer and thought maybe that would entertain me. that was the worst idea ever. it just left me feeling more muted and sad. what sad lives those people must lead to have to resort to a career like that. it made me feel shameful that i'm trying to destroy whatever sense of pride and honor that i might have left. i'm basically trying to ruin myself so i dont feel so guilty about everything that i've done with jim by doing something else bad so i can feel guilty about that. it's not helping. i want to call him and cry and ask for forgiveness and a second chance. i want him back. and i want to work at it. but i know that i dont deserve a second chance. its almost 1am here. i can't fall asleep. i wonder if all these things i'm writing will ever mean anything. The thought of maybe one day sharing it with my kids was kind of comforting, helping them learn what type of mistakes not to make. the thought that maybe these kids might also be his did cross my mind, but then was quickly erased.

i deleted all the other letters that i wrote him during our time apart. back in april-may i'd write him every so often when i was sad or lonely. none of those were ever sent. i didn't think he deserved to hear my honesty or my thoughts anymore. especially because my honest thoughts changed just about every other day. reading through them, there was no consistency, some days it was your not going to get me back! and other days it was i miss you terribly --i wish that you would change -- that you'd be willing to become the person that i want you to be. well he did change. and look what little good that did. im being really hard on myself this time around. i didn't feel this burden and guilt last time we broke up food good because it felt like I didn't do anything wrong. it sucks that when people break up, the last thing that happens is usually the most vivid and impacting one. because i made the last mistake, i want to take on all the blame and say i caused the entire downfall. while he was offering me everything that i could possibly ever want or need. i need to be holistic. i didn't cause the downfall of anything.

i was never really committed or ready to get back together with him. had i wanted to re-commit to a relationship, I would've taken precautions to set boundaries and try to make up for all the mistakes i made before. i would've prayed for us to start over with a clean slate. I would've made every effort to let go of the past and stop with the blame game. I would've embraced the opportunity to mend the relationship between me and his family. I would've done so many things differently...

i was stupid for leading him on for that long thinking that i could just be ready in a matter of weeks. i didn't know what it would take, or what i wanted at that point. i asked time, but i need space too. apparently more space the entire atlantic ocean. oh skype, how you bridge gaps that seemed nearly impossible to bridge. And i think he just cared more about getting back together than what he actually wanted from me. i think the truth is, he did just want another chance to clean his slate and his conscience so that he knew he gave it his best effort. dumped it on me, and now im stuck feeling like i should have put in more effort. whoopdeedoo. that's really helpful. i'm angry now. but i'm sure in a few minutes, i'll feel ok, i'll feel better. brighter. then pain again. then darkness. it's just going to continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. i need to let go and slowly digest. i'm trying to digest too quickly. it's going to take time. be patient with yourself. love yourself, take care of yourself this weekend. it's been a rough week. be good to yourself just like you would treat your best friend. learn to be good and caring starting with yourself now. then we'll get to the part about being someone else's best friend, girlfriend, soulmate, all that jazz, later. start with yourself. it's ok. you lost someone (again) this week. you are allowed to be sad. everyone is sad when they lose someone. breathe. pray. fast. love.

July 1 Hanover - thursday still at work, right before going to airport to paris

omg, i think i really screwed up. it hurts but somehow it hurts a lot more than it should. i can't stop thinking about it. i think it's a good thing to think, but i'm having trouble letting go. i know i shouldn't feel this way, but I'm going to say exactly how i feel right now. and write out what i would tell jim if we could talk.

all i'm thinking about it how this feeling, this gut wrenching feeling would not be here if i didn't love him so much. but then i step back and i don't understand how i could've treated him so badly and had been so incapable of being a good person when i was with him. is it just because i lost something and i want it back? omg, this feeling is absolutely inconsolable. i regret so many things. i wish i could change so many things. this is NOT how i felt last time when we broke up. i was left feeling happy, relieved, satisfied with the effort, ready to move on. but now i'm left feeling like i want to be with him. maybe not right now, but i want to pray for him. and pray for us and a future together. i want God to change me to a person that fits him perfectly. maybe it's because i feel like what jim wanted in a relationship was what i wanted to be! he wanted me to be independent, strong-minded, capable, loving, passionate, all of those things!! he wanted what i am when we're not together. why is that such a cruel joke??

God, I know that You're supposed to be my best friend and I'm suppose to worship you and look to you for direction and guidance. I should've spent more time and effort invested in the relationship, praying for it, asking for patience and wisdom. Instead of being impatient, petulant, and absolutely obnoxious. What really happened on Sunday, Lord - you know what really happened. It's embarrassing and shameful. I saw jim's text, was happy that he thought of me and text me, instantly wanted to talk to him so i text back. not realizing what time it was there. later lying about it. then i walked around cologne aimlessly thinking about him. then i went and had a drink, ate breakfast, the drink contained more alcohol than i cared to admit. i went back to starbucks and decided that instead of going to the Modern Art museum (museum ludwig) with my senior manager, that I'd sit aimlessly in starbucks and wait for jim to wake up. i basically chose to be a waste of life and a total embarrassment to myself over doing something that i really love which is going to modern art museums!! now that i'm replaying it in my mind, i knew that there was a split second decision when i sat back realized that i was red from the alcohol, got lazy didn't want to have to walk outside in the heat to the museum and risk seeing my manager with a bright red face. i chose to sit in starbucks and just stew. waste my life away. im glad that God punished me for that! serves me right for wasting my life away like that.

all i could think was that i wanted to talk to him. didn't bother that he was probably exhausted, sleeping, and had to get up really early. somehow i thought that if i was stuck somewhere like the airport or crashing on someone's floor, i'd probably want to talk to jim in the middle of the night. why? because im crazy and irresponsible, dependent and needy, and if i had the chance to talk to him in the middle of the night, i'd do it. ugh that's despicable. i know. i later lied about going to the museum because i didn't want to tell my sr manager that i was on the phone with my pseudo bf the whole time. i then justified to jim the annoyance and calling to the fact that i was worried about him. i wasn't worried, i was just pissed. pissed that he wouldn't tell me what was going on, actually, pissed that he wouldn't pick up the phone to talk to me at 3am. then pissed that he wouldn't text me in more detail, then pissed that it took him so long to get through security. this entire time, i'm drunk beyond repair, barely able to even sit up straight on the couch of the second floor starbucks across from the bar where everyone is watching germany play england. i'm ridiculous, and deep down inside i am incredibly needy and basically a horrible person. that's probably why i feel so bad about all this. it all came crashing down because of me. i yelled at him for not seeming apologetic enough. i was furious and it made him furious. i don't even remember what my justifications were. i think i said something like if he knew me well enough he'd know to pick up the phone. he'd know how it drives me crazy. he'd think about it at 3am. he'd be willing to make a sacrifice. what was i smoking?? i can't believe i said all that. while i was drunk! i feel like i could've and have said similar things while i was completely sober, so it's not justified by any means.

it just doesn't make sense to me!! what would you call that? what is the explanation? if you call it selfish? was I selfish, sorta. I was selfish because I wanted jim to sacrifice sleep, be miserable and talk to me. i was selfish with my demands. but if i was truly selfish in the objectivism/egoism sense, then i would've gone to the museum in the first place! do what makes me really happy. this all would've never happened. the downfalls of altruism and pragmatism. it's disgusting! if i was truly egoistically selfish, i would've thought about what's the best for me in the long run. well, i really love museums and this one is a good one, and i'd be able to hangout with my senior manager get to know him, invest in the company, in my future. that's good for me. i also really love jim, he's absolutely an amazing person, one of the best people I know, no one has ever said anything bad about him. incredibly caring, thoughtful, patient, just about all the things i wish i could be and more. if i knew what was good for me, i'd pray and let God know that I'm having a moment where I really miss him, feeling needy, can't talk to him right now, but really want to let him know that i love and miss him, so instead of calling and being obnoxious about it, i should say a silent prayer and ask God to bless our relationship, and give me patience to wait till an appropriate time to tell jim what i wanted to say. done. and done. move on. all is well.

i totally deserve everything else that happened after that. but what i can't get over is that when he said a few days before that, how his family thinks i'm needy, clingy, very insecure, and gets that way when he's away, i was genuinely shocked and thought it was absurd because i'm the epitome of independence, confidence, and non-neediness! right?? WRONG. geez. God, I'm glad your showing me this. I like how you have a lot of humour in you, and I know this will all be a great story for my kids some day or maybe a book if there are no kids in the plan. But seriously, you had to teach me a lesson like this? Man it hurts. But in some respects, it's definitely starting to ware on me and I really really hope I learn this lesson well.

i wish i could ask jim to wait for me to change and get rid of all those flaws that make me into a crazy person. but i have no right to ask him. im sure he doesn't want to because he deserves better; he certainly deserves a girl that would respect, love, cherish, and support him. none of which i was actually capable of doing. i feel like such a flake! i'm angry, furious with myself. i just know that the type of person he is looking for is exactly the type of person that i want to be. i dunno what i want. i dont know what i need. mostly because i haven't ever defined what a boyfriend or husband would do for me. i want him to point me towards God and push me to love God more. that's #1. but then after that, nothing. because there's a void, i end up filling the void with ridiculous expectations. i expect him to want to make me happy all the time. i need him to do that, otherwise i flip out. i expect him to give up everything for me. i expect him to be willing to yield to my every whim. that is honestly how i acted. i tried to spin it like i want him to put me first, but in reality i acted like i wanted him to be my slave! that's exactly how i acted as a kid. i made all my friends into little slaves of mine. i forced them to make mud pies and pick berries, and then play power rangers and be putties so i could beat them all up. ugh. this is totally making sense.

i'm sorry jim. i hope one day, far far far away, you'll be able to forgive me.

i know that God has bigger and better things to worry about and planned. I know that outside of this major flaw of mine, which is to want to marginalize and control my boyfriend into being a slave and the fact that i am incredibly needy, impatient, selfish, immature, and utterly a crappy person, there were even bigger things at play here. i was too consumed by the relationship to grow while i was with him. God knew that. God cares about me and wants me to grow. I grew a lot when I wasn't with Jim. because i was challenged. i was forced to be independent and capable. i step up to the plate in these situations. and it felt so damn good. im not naturally that way when i'm with people who love me. i suck up all that goodness until they dont have anything else to give.

alright, enough of this self deprecation it's kinda gross. i'm not that bad. i have self-esteem and confidence, enough to carry me through this. i just really want to emphasize my part in all of this. i want to learn this lesson so i dont make the same mistakes. i want to avoid this pothole altogether next time.

i still want it to be him. i can't help it. i still want God to create a miracle. i want God to show me how to change and become a better person. but in order to trust in God, I have to actually trust in God and let go! I have to relinquish any of my personal needs and wants right now to trust in God who knows the best for me. Please God, be with me. Somehow, make me a patient person. I will wait. I will wait until you tell me what you want me to do. I trust that God has the ability to change hearts and give people the gift of forgiveness. I know that God can bring us back together in the future if He wants to and if that is in the plan. But it is very tough for me to know what's in God's plan right now. He'll show me when it's time. But I just hope I don't miss it because I'm too loud in all of this shouting and crying. I hope that I will hear Him when He reveals the plan for me, and then I'd know. Nothing is ever too late, some things are just too early. i know i'm nothing without God, and i hope that He will remain in me forever and always to guide me through life. i hope that one day i'll be in a good relationship, and married, and with kids, gradually one step at a time, and through all of it i will be a strong and faithful person. a follower of Christ. maybe my calling is in writing Christian books. encouraging youth to pursue healthy relationships and healthy Christian lives. I'd have to learn these lessons first though.