last day at home

I have these spurts when I really want to write about something, but then afterwards, I forget what exactly I wanted to say, and I think some type of distractions come along. The best written entries are those during the exact moment when I feel that emotion or when I'm going through something extraordinary or interesting. Retrospect entries are often a bit too jaded, feigned, or romanticized.

I'll attempt to keep all of those out of this one:

While China feels like forever ago, I think it has strengthened me mentally and emotionally. I'm choosing to only remember the good stuff. Like Lijiang: horseback riding, biking, beautiful lake we found by accident, hot pot of ribs, bargaining for cowboy hats; Shanghai: Moganshan, Art District #50, Y+ yoga, Paul, and Tianzifang. Harbin: Sunrise Island, amusement parks, time with the fam.

time really flew by during these past two weeks home. I realized last night during a sleepy conversation that this was it. At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I'm growing up and moving out of my house. And the concept of home has greatly shifted for me. But I really don't feel sad whatsoever.

I admit I'm very wide-eyed and optimistic right now. I think that everything will be great because I have my friends in DC that provide social support for me. I'm going to be living with one of my best friends from college. I have my parents just a couple hours away, close enough to go home any weekend just about. I like this boy and he likes me. I have a great job that will take me to where I want to be in life. What else could I possibly ask for?

But truth is, maybe work will be incredibly hard. And I might not be amazing at it at first. I won't have too much time for friends or family. So those are always of concern.

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Actually, here another concern that I have: A recent thought was in terms of responding to these ridiculous accusations, romantic webs and tangles that I get myself in. I'm not 15 anymore, and stupid high school musicals make me gag. But somehow, I did get voted most dramatic for apo superlatives. What does that mean?

In the past year or so, I've managed to have one of the worst couple of months of my life after a really hard breakup. That wasn't exaggerated, it just happened. But then afterwards, I get accused by some stupid girl for trying to befriend her in order to keep tabs on Peter. She said that I got close her after our breakup because I wanted to keep track of the girls that were closest to him, and also to know what was going on in his life. That was the last thing I wanted. I hated the mention of his name, I didn't want to know how or what he was doing, and I definitely didn't want to keep him from dating other girls. After that, she really couldn't have the nerve to speak to me again. How does that happen?

Then a couple months later, I somehow breakup this guy who left west point to stay with his girlfriend of two years. He does these crazy things to try to get my attention, and makes up a whole relationship we never had. Then tells me before he leaves duke how much he likes me, etc etc, only to write me this incredibly lengthy email listing out his sins, transgressions, mistakes, and regrets a month later. It implicates me as an accomplice, but frankly I don't feel guilty at all.

Finally, it brings me to yesterday when another girl who i didn't know too well emails me accusing me of having some romantic side relationship with her current boyfriend. She thinks she came between him and me when they first started dating. And was suspicious of my intentions to befriend her.

Honestly, I wanted to just scream. Where the hell do these people get off for blaming me and misinterpreting my intentions of merely wanting to make new friends???

I think it all came from the fact I had this kick in the butt senior year that made me realize I had been really stagnant in terms of making new friends and getting to know people better when I was dating peter. So, despite all the pruning of friendship trees and clinging to the familiar that happened senior year, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and really get to know new people. But little did I know, it got me all these false accusations. I guess the world really has gone to hell. You can't simply make friends for the sake of making friends. And ask about how their lives are without ulterior selfish motivations. You can't be concerned for their wellbeing, or ask about how their lives are and really care about them without wanting to be romantically involved with them or their boyfriends.

Did I really ask for it by trying to be considerate and selfless? Maybe I'm still not that pure egoist that I was hoping to be after Dr. Gary Hull's class.

I remember how someone once said, everything boils down to sex. apparently that's been proven true. How sad.