I heart Olympics

I can't stop watching the Olympics. It's absolutely beautiful, especially when they play the national anthems and the Gold Medalist stands up on the podium. They look so proud to be apart of something incredible. I tear up every time I watch it. Especially if its the USA or China gold medalists. It really just makes me want to cry when I see them up there so incredibly proud of everything that they've put into this competition.

On another note, I almost cried last night. I think it was out of frustration and feeling really helpless. I'm in Baltimore today. Since I spend so much time in coffee shops during the week, I figured a coffee shop in Baltimore would be the same as one in DC. That's just what I say, but really it's because I wanted to see Jim too. I took the train up last night, and got to hang out with him. It was really nice for most of the night. And I was really happy. But then it occurred to me that I love him. And it scared the shit out of me. I don't actually know if it's going to stick or not. In fact, I'm not completely sure what love is. But I knew I felt it, and I really really wanted to say it out loud and tell him. That's when things took a horrible turn.

I was terrified that it wouldn't be reciprocated, and that I'd feel incredibly foolish and vulnerable after saying it. So I held it inside, which made things awkward and scary. I told him how vulnerable I felt and he understood that. Because we were getting so close, and things I guess are moving faster than they had been while at Duke. Who's to say what fast or slow is though really? Just like no person is normal, relationships can't be at the right pace for everyone.

Feeling what I felt last night, I realized how horrible it is to be in love. Like my favorite character in Love Actually says to his dad, "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" I love that! he's soo cute. At least what I felt with Peter when I was in love with him was this complete lack of control over my emotions. I was irrational, flighty, inconsistent, scared, and insecure. I felt small because I was terrified of losing him. I was more terrified of the idea of losing him, and so I clung to him because I didn't want to feel pain and loss. I also thought that being in love was some type of promise. Almost an engagement at the time. I locked myself into thinking that this was the last person I would ever love and be loved by. Perhaps because he was my first love.

BUT, actually...hahahha, now that I think about it and how much it hurt to go through that, I feel better. Because I know that I got through it eventually, and what didn't kill me has made me so much stronger. I can't just be afraid of everything and scared to put myself out there. The worst that can possibly happen is that we break up and I move on with my life without him. And I'll meet some other great guy to date and learn more about myself and others.