if you smile enough, you'll be happy

I think it's just a rut. When I went to visit Jim, I thought it'd be great because we'd finally get to see each other and put the past couple of bad days behind us. But instead, I was just exhausted and unwilling to lower my expectations. I held on to waiting for something telling to happen. Wishing for a sign of approval from God, or divine inspiration saying that I made the right choice in giving this thing another go. I wanted so badly to be proven wrong about all the bad things I had thought and said of him

But somehow, the awkward silences and subtle hints of unease did not meet undefined expectations. Needless to say, my wish for something to happen did not come true. And I left the next morning more tired than when I arrived. Exacerbated.

The worst is when we are unable to define what we're waiting for. I recently remembered a great book, play rather: Waiting for Godot. It brilliantly drives at the monotony of waiting. Human beings are so compelled to wait for something. In this case, it was of someone that never came. Perhaps even something that didn't exist. It's no coincidence that Godot has the word God in it. Don't worry, this is no denunciation of my faith in God. But somehow it reminded that here I was waiting for God to give me a sign. When in fact, perhaps it shouldn't be up to God to magically signal in broad day light what I should do. It's never that simple. Just sitting around and waiting aimlessly. The two main characters did nothing! They just sat around philosophizing about nothing and did nothing!!

It was a waste of life. I don't want to be a waste of life or space or energy...I don't want to be miserable, not having complete control over my life. So, if I smile long enough and hard enough, I'll probably convince myself that I'm happy. Happy dopamine neurotransmitters are getting released every time I smile. I am choosing to be patient with myself and others. And smiling all the way through.