so where am i now?

I think I've caught insominia. And a bit of a cold.

Never had a problem with sleep before. But I haven't slept through the night for 3 days now. I think the stress of life has finally caught up with me. The last week or so, my sleep has gotten to be so counterproductive that my subconscious is now just rejecting it altogether. I sleep with only rem sleep and full cognition of all my dreams and thoughts. I constantly do math problems, re-play gmat questions, and have imaginary conversations with my ex-boyfriend. So now my subconscious has just refused to go into that vicious tortuous cycle. I like doing math problems and gmat verbal questions while I'm awake. It's much more productive and rewarding. And the conversations with jim? I guess I'm just avoiding those altogether. But at some point, I will need to sleep.

Next week I hear about the GSAP sponsorship, and after everything that happened there is a great likelihood that I will not receive the sponsorship. As much as I am emotionally preparing or prepared for the worst of it, it will still be an incredible blow to my ego and a slap in the face for the work that I've done in the last two years. It will be humbling. And I'll feel hurt. I'll tell myself that it's a blessing in disguise and again, surrender my will to God and ask that His will be done. But it will still sting. Like a female dog.

Then there's of course the GMAT. In less than two weeks now. I was never good at standardized testing. It's time to own up to that fact. I think I've been in denial for most of my life. But history has shown: SAT, MCAT, GMAT. They rhyme with "things you suck at". I know.

After that it's onwards to conquering the business school application essays. And the tricky thing about essays is that they are looking for emotional maturity, ability to understand one's strengths and weaknesses, and your future outlook and career goals. I wish I could be completely honest with the admissions directors and say, I'm actually really immature, especially emotionally. I suck at building meaningful relationships, and have failed at some of the most meaningful and significant relationships in my life. I am also not very good at knowing what I want in life. I change how I feel about it constantly. And the only constant that I have is that fact that I can change.

I recently cleaned out my room and saw a letter I wrote to myself in 8th grade about my goals in life: I wanted to go to Stanford University and Johns Hopkins Medical School. Neither of those things happened. Yet.

I am applying to Stanford for business school. So maybe we'll get to that and then one day when I'm 30 I'll go and become a doctor. That thought actually crossed my mind. Seriously. But not the right time to think about this.

I only recently admitted to this fact, but to all those people, which are a lot of my really close friends, in medical school - I am incredibly jealous that you get to study medicine. I ask about it and make people tell me about everything they learn in med school not just because I want to seem considerate and learn about their lives. I actually live vicariously through them. Secretly wishing that I could learn about those things and be in school to be a doctor. I guess I just never wanted it bad enough. There hasn't been anything in my life that I wanted all that badly. No person, no job, career, knowledge, life, nothing.

That's going to change. And change is what I'm good at. I will have passions. And I will define them and go after them relentlessly and never give up. When I find it. When I find my person I will make sure to hold on tight, pursue him, and not let him go. And when I find my profession, my talent, my calling, and my purpose - all in one - I will pursue it with the utmost passion and never let that go.

Maybe I'm just a little slower than others. But at least I know now. Thank you God. I love you. Please grant me some restful sleep though. I miss it.