moving forward

I'm scared. A little bit. I'm learning and healing...but I'm NOT READY!!! And I think God knows that, so I'm just going to pray that He knows what's best and trust in Him to know what to do.

The worst way to get over a boy is to fall into the arms of another. That goes for getting over girls too. I've never done it before, and I'd HATE to start now. I can't exactly expect to lock myself in a closet until I'm completely over jim, and I can't sit here avoiding all new experiences because I'm afraid of moving on. Don't worry I'm not doing that. But I can't help feeling like something in my equilibrium is shifting. I met a person who I really like...as a person.

He's given me hope in the Lord to know that there's nothing wrong with wanting something good. Not too long ago, I remember hearing about a couple where the girl loves the guy because he pushes her to love the Lord. What a remarkable concept! I asked myself, "How come I've never dated a guy that pushes me to want to love the Lord more?? That would be amazing!" Ever since that moment, I've secretly prayed and wanted that so badly. But somehow, I never imagined it being possible. Because no matter how much I demanded or hoped or wanted for a relationship to push me towards something good, it's never really happened to me before.

And then recently, I met someone that believes in that too! Someone who's "goal in life is to obey God's leading in everything he does, regardless of the cost and his own desires". "This means discerning His will step by step, not assuming more than He's revealed, diligently planning but holding loosely to my plans. Obviously this is a lofty goal, and I fail at it every day, but that's what I strive to do. I hope that's your goal as well."

We've been emailing back and forth and it just so happens that he lives really close to where my parents live. I mentioned wanting to find a church to attend while I am going to be living at home in the next few months to study for the GMAT, visiting schools, and applying to school. So given that my return is imminent, he recommended that we set some expectations given the nature of how we met. And he was plain and honest about his intentions.

And then he said something even more remarkable and a completely novel concept to me:

"In relationships (and friendships with women as well) this means it's my role to guard the woman's heart so that her heart and emotions are wrapped up in God and not in any hope for the future with me. If I can't guarantee something will happen (and obviously since I don't know the future, I can't), then I don't want her to expect it and then be let down later. She might be expecting it or placing excessive hope in a possible romantic future by my leading her on either through active flirting or passive ambiguous or lack of communication of intentions. This of course can lead to heartbreak and an emotional distraught state (subsequently requiring time to heal) if it doesn't come to fruition... which it often doesn't. I've been on the wrong end of this. If you want to take the Gospel to this, it happens because hope is placed in something other than Christ - a man or a woman - and that person cannot be God and always come through. Also, we can't predict the future."

In a way, it's sort of funny and every time I read it I chuckle to myself a little bit because it's very chivalrous I suppose. It's a little bit presumptuous and yet, it's incredibly new. I don't know exactly how I feel about it yet, but I've never had anyone tell me that they want to protect my heart. Even if it's that they want to protect all women's hearts. But in particular, some guy doesn't want me liking him because he doesn't know if that's what God wants. I feel like in our society, everyone is dying to get noticed, dying to be loved, dying to find someone to love, and in the case of romance, the more the merrier, and its better to date as many people as you can to figure out what you like and who your compatible with. Most people don't take into the consideration of God's plans or His will. A lot of relationships and marriages are built on this vague concept of "compatibility." When in fact at some point or another, most couples will feel very compatible or incompatible depending on circumstances, location, emotions, influences...the list goes on. We are constantly struggling to find ourselves and be compatible with our own values, how could anyone be expected to be a stable compatible person with someone else? Now of course, a lot of people manage to cope or thrive on these changes in circumstances and remain true to themselves. But I honestly believe that it is almost impossible without a strong belief system and God Himself.

Then there was his whole philosophy on what God give and takes away:
"What He has yet to give, don't assume He will or try to figure it out. What He doesn't give, trust that He knows your needs better than you do. What He takes away was necessary to give something better." Interesting huh?

Finally his opinions on dating was something very well put: "The purpose of dating is to determine marital compatibility. For me, this means three conditions: 1) the man is ready, 2) the woman is ready, 3) the man and woman are compatible" Simple and to the point. No wishy washy dating helps you discover who you are, gives you a chance to be in love, enables you to be really happy with another person...

In a way, I feel a little bit guilty talking to him even though all of this is so great to hear and witness, because I feel like I have the capacity to ruin people. I'm afraid that I'm not healed enough to even know what the right thing to do is, and I wish that I was stronger in my faith to say that I totally believe in those things.

I'm also noticing how lofty I am. At first I was relieved to hear that he didn't expect anything from me. I thanked God for bringing someone so wise and good into my life to be an example. "A light and salt." I'm really grateful that God is giving me real examples of what I've been missing out on. Showing me how different my life could be, and helping me solidify my own beliefs on dating, marriage, faith, and the Gospel.

But then how quickly the heart falls away and how easily tempted we are. I started to feel a sense of insecurity and negative feelings toward what he was saying. A little nagging voice said, "Look, he just doesn't like you and he's trying to be polite by saying don't expect too much. You always fantasize about more than there really is, and you'll never be happy. You've already set up expectations in your mind, don't deny it! You'd be a fool to think that someone that good would actually give you a chance, you're broken and sad. You're 'used goods'!!" I had to literally, yell back SHUT UP! Leave me alone. You have nothing on me. The Lord is my Lord, and I will not be afraid of you. I am brave and I am strong because the Lord is on my side!

I really don't want to make the same mistakes this time!! I'm getting good at breaking up, especially with the extra practice lately. But I'm terrified and really bad at starting anew. I feel like the whole start of my 'relationship' (which was NOT a relationship at all) with jim was a total failure. We used the euphemism that I picked up after hearing Julia say that jim told her we were 'seeing' each other to cover up the lack of purpose, responsibility, and commitment. We wanted to make it a class above "oh we're just hooking up" to seem like respectable college seniors about to graduate.

And yet to this day, it still remains one of the happiest times that I've ever spent with a boy. Because it was easy and fun. It was 'light and airy' I'd say. No responsibilities, no commitments, just a lot of good times, being attracted to each other, most of it was physical, some of the emotional stuff grew later on, but definitely not an eyes wide open relationship. Like they say, It was so wrong and yet it felt so good.

Ugh, it makes me so sick thinking about it. That is not how I was meant to live!!