so stupid...

I can't believe I fell for that shit. What a sellout! Today was a close replica of last Thanksgiving Weekend...something of feeling like crap, worrying, freaking out, and letting my mind become a total mess. It's so not fair!

It all started with this notion that I'd go and meet Jim's parents. Not really knowing or (bothering to ask) what his intentions were when he asked me on Tuesday. I decided to consider it and even though my gut reaction was to say no, I still decided to give it some time to think over and try to convince myself it'd be a good thing. I took it seriously and asked my parents for advice, really taking in their opinion. They were optimistic and encouraged me to go, saying that it's a very nice gesture and that in order for a relationship to move forward, it's probably best that I'd go and meet them. I agreed.

Then finally, on Wednesday I told him that I would go to his house. And right after he said that his friend Jordan was going to be there too. I was confused. He hadn't mentioned that part before. It took me by surprise, and I wanted to ask why? Or was that the plan all along? Did she make plans with him before, and I was just invited so that I could be judged by 4+1 women in his life? As if 3 sisters and a mom wasn't enough. Now I had to meet this girl has is his "bestfriend" or favorite person of all of college. Wow.

I got off the phone feeling mostly intimidated and nervous by the whole thing. I wasn't mad or jealous. Just really anxious and a little bit confused about his intentions. It was a lot of pressure because I really wanted his family to like me, but didn't want to come off as needing their approval. Either way, it certainly complicated things having another girl there. I just got more and more anxious. Then that afternoon, I go to text him saying that I'm scared about going to see his family, and didn't know if I still wanted to...only to find his text saying that he's happy that I'm going on Friday and that he misses me! I was so happy to find it that I didn't have the heart to text him back saying that I didn't want to go. I held my phone in my hand for a while, thinking what could I possibly say back. I didn't want to mislead him by saying that I'm excited too because I was having second thoughts about going. But I didn't want to make him sad right then. I figured I could talk to him sometime that night.

I woke up the next morning on Thursday to find a Voicemail from midnight saying nothing too important except that he'd call me the next day. I wanted to call him all day to say Happy Thanksgiving, but every time I went to pick up the phone I remembered that he said he'd call. I didn't want to intrude on the traditional family time on Thanksgiving. You never know if people are busy with their families, and since he said that he'd call, I waited patiently. Very patiently. The entire night. But no call ever came.

Which led me to today: I woke up feeling agile, "resilient--I recover quickly", at 7AM. I felt restless. I wanted to call him immediately but knew that it's inappropriate to call people at 7 or 8 in the morning after Thanksgiving. So I waited some more. My dad asked me over apple pancakes that I made for us, if I was still going this afternoon. I explained the situation and asked for his opinion. He said that maybe Jordan's bf is going to be there too, and if so, it wouldn't be so appropriate. I said maybe I should just politely defer the answer by saying our car is malfunctioning, which it is...and say that I won't be able to go. And just let it go. I don't care that he doesn't know the real reason why I don't want to go. I just want him and his family to have a happy holiday and not have to be upset or worried. I was so afraid of ruining his holiday and his time with his family that I completely neglected my own happiness and my time with my parents. They could tell that I was being tortured. He said that I should call jim at least to let him know what my hesitation is and just talk about it. So I waited all morning... Until around 11AM...to call. Only to call over and over again. With no answer. That's when it occurred to me that I hadn't heard from him since Wednesday night at midnight.

I started to worry. Here I was thinking all about this stupid going or not going stuff, when in fact what if something bad had happened to him?? My mind started to race. What if he got into an accident? Or was in trouble? He always picks up or calls me back right away. or texts me to say that he'll call me back later. But I kept calling and over an hour there was no response. My heart dropped. Something bad happened. There I was sitting alone in my room, thinking about all the bad things that could've happened. What if he was hurt, in the hospital or even worse, what if he died? Would anyone in his family bother to tell me? How would I possibly find out? Would I go to the funeral? So many questions popped up spontaneously.

I couldn't go downstairs to face my dad because I have no idea what happened to jim, and I had no answer for him. I was stuck in time and space. I couldn't tell my dad that I'd be able to spend the afternoon with him because there was a chance that I'd still go to jim's. A part of me still wanted everything to be ok. I so desperately wanted him to call say that jordan isn't coming or that she and her bf would be there, and that he's been looking forward to this, and that he wanted me there, and I'd say cool! i'll be there!

Finally, my fears of death and despair was assuaged by a text message saying that he was driving and would call me in 40 mins. I was so tired of waiting by then. I waited for over a day for this boy to call me, and all he could muster up was a "call you in 40 mins". Somehow that felt so not enough. Especially because I just went through an entire emotional experience of fear and loss. My mom calls me to ask what my plans are for this afternoon and whether or not she should try to come home early so I can take the unbroken car. She said that she'd try to get off work early if I wanted to go. My parents are so incredibly generous but I felt humiliated with them. I was embarrassed to tell them that this boy that I raved about the night before is basically blowing me off. I have no idea why he couldn't just pick up the phone when he was with his family. I don't understand it. I have no idea what was going on in his mind. I guess I hadn't realized how little I meant compared to those people in his life.

Finally, I got on the phone with him just to find out that he wasn't a bit apologetic for waiting so long to get on the phone with me, and didn't even acknowledge missing a billion of my calls or that he hadn't called yesterday. And to find out that Jordan is going by herself. I couldn't face my fears alone without any type of encouragement from him. I felt so vulnerable. If I were to go, I'd be basically setting myself up to get hurt. He didn't put up much of a fight when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go.


It sure made me feel like a silly girl. With my hopes. I'm silly for lying about my dreams, but it was worse to not have dreamt them at all. I've written this off for so long that I shouldn't be so surprised. I wanted to tell him how much this meant to me and ask that he'd explain why it didn't matter nearly enough to him. Why he didn't bother to pick up any of the calls from this morning. Why he didn't call me like he said he would? What changed? Was he mad about something? I had so many questions and I felt so betrayed. Because I felt like I knew him, and I thought better of him. I felt like we were closer than that. I thought I meant more to him. I believed in us. I thought he'd be there for me. Whenever I called, he'd be there.

Only to have all of that thrown in my face. It sure feels like someone just stabbed in a pencil in my leg. I kept calling and calling. Not considering how much it was to hurt my pride in the process, and I could just see him ignoring all of those phone calls. I wondered every time I called, was he in the middle of something or just really angry and feeling hurtful and vengeful. I wouldn't think that he was vengeful type of person. He never ignored my phone calls that many times before just out of spite. So maybe because he's in the middle of something. I told myself that it wasn't anything against me. Just that he was busy. But if he only saw that I had called 30 times, then wouldn't he think that something's really wrong. What's keeping him from calling me back? Apathy? Anger?

I had no answers. Finally, I said to myself. Enough! I've neglected my family enough. It wasn't fair that I was letting some stupid boy drama dictate how badly I was treating my parents. And letting it get in the way of our family time. I hated that I let that happen. So, I took one last glance over at both my cell phones, and left them at home. As we headed out for the afternoon. I was able to reassure myself. And be at peace with my family.

But somehow it was so reminiscent of the past when I used to wonder: was it over? I have a really hard time just letting things go. And being able to get past things like these. I'm pretty bad at getting past problems especially when I really care about someone. I think if this had been earlier on in our relationship, I would've been able to shrug it off. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't call me back for days. There's really nothing that I could do if he died. I guess I'd find out when I did. Someone would eventually tell me. Maybe I'd get it in a Duke email.

I think there's something maternal about it. I know my mom gets really worried about me when she can't reach me. Or when she calls and I don't pick up. Her mind races to imagine all the bad things that could've happened. And then she literally feels the pain of losing me or my dad or knowing that we've been hurt. It's weird. I know I felt that way when my parents would be late coming home when I was little. Back when we didn't have cell phones, I'd sit by the window and worry about them. I'd think about all the different scenarios, and how I'd cope with being an orphan if God forbid they didn't come home. I don't worry about people like that often.

It's almost a curse because boy does it hurt. I get really bad chills all over when I think about bad things. Anyway, this weather is sure getting cold. It's not easy staying warm.

Come to think of it. How funny is that? I think I've paid for in full all the debt that I owe to the relationship gods. I don't deserve any more of this. I know I treated people like crap in similar occasions and prioritizing my family over boys, and ignored my fair share of phone calls. But I was really willing to be different with this one. I was giving it a lot of my good side. But now that this bad side is rearing its ugly head, I can only ask myself how stupid am I? For falling for a boy that couldn't take you more for granted. For double standards. For betrayal. For neglect. For really belittling you and humiliating you in front of your family. For simply letting you down.

I sure feel so stupid.