I called jim when I was in China after we hit the 1 month mark. I wasn't sure if he had called on phone before, but one night after Liwei and I had a drink in my hotel bar, I was pretty tipsy from the cosmo and decided to call him to see what he had to say. I guess I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I was just hoping he'd have a lot to say.
Instead, when he picked up he just said that abruptly that yes, he'd be willing to love me unconditionally. And that he wanted to get back together. It felt like he didn't really think about it at all. It was the same tune that he had when we last talked, just a yes I think we can make this work. And then he asked me what I thought. I told him how I didn't think it'd work out, and then started lecturing him about how he should act in his next relationship. He got mad, didn't really want to hear about it, and then hung up on me. I went to bed.
Woke up the next morning and wasn't too sure what had happened last night. Said a prayer and asked for forgiveness from God. I knew it was stupid to call him rashly without knowing what I wanted, and also putting myself in a vulnerable place. Not asking God for direction and praying about it as I had done every other time that I've talked to him before. It was this first time that I called him out of impulse, a moment of weakness and knowing that God wanted me to wait till I got back to the US and in a stable mindset.
After that I let it go, didn't want to beat myself up for it, didn't want to waste my time hating him, didn't want to harp on it. I saw his email later that day. He said that he's glad we didn't get back together, we have different beliefs and he didn't really treat me well when we were together. He said he was selfish and didn't look out for my best interests...AMEN! wow I was so surprised at how well he summarized it all. I was glad that he realized what he did wrong, and it was a little sad that we had to get off the phone very angry the night before only for him to take it all back a few hours later. I guess I felt vindicated.
But then later on when I returned to the US, I started up the entire exchange all over again. On the first night that I was home, I was super jet lagged and couldn't fall asleep, so I txt him Ahh around midnight. I think I fell asleep for a few hours only to awake to my phone buzzing softly. It was 4am and he wrote back, I was surprised that he responded, asked why he was up. He said he had to go to the bathroom. Wasn't that he was lying awake at 4 in the morning pining away for me, oh well. Then I said I was jetlagged, so he called. We talked for almost 2 hours till it was time for him to go to work at the hospital. Then after that, he texted me to say he was happy we talked, and then asked if we could talk again on Friday.
He ended up texting me on Thursday and asking if we could talk, and I said sure not really sure what to expect. I've become very much one those just go and see type of person. The conversations did make me happy because it was nice to talk to him and tell him about my travels and what I'd been doing. We caught up on a lot of life in those next few days.
I was sleeping around 6PM, and his text around 9PM woke me up. We talked till I was dead tired about a lot of different things. But mainly he said he didn't want to give up on this, and that he still wanted to get back together. That he changed, and he wanted to really give this a chance, and that he really thinks we are the best for each other. That we have something special. I have to admit when I first heard it all, I was impressed at how well thought out it all was, and how much passion he had with all of it. It was exactly what I wanted...he was fighting for us, and making a case for why we should stay together. No matter how much I argued against it or how much I felt as if it was wrong for us to be together he was patient and gave really good reasons for why we should stay together. But I couldn't help how I felt and I wasn't going to deny the reality of things. We still weren't right for each other.
Friday was an incredibly early and long day for me, I woke up at 3am drove down to Maryland for our office's All Hands Meeting, presented a quick update on the Boys & Girls Club, then we won in softball. I spoke to one of my team members on the ITT Team, and then we had a bbq at Brian Johnston's house. Alex and I had coffee afterward, spoke about life and love and all that. It was a really good conversation, we're definitely getting a lot closer now and I'm getting along with him a lot better. Then I drove to Christina's. Met up with Jim beforehand to pick up my mail, awkwardly stood in the street. Had a hard time leaving once I saw him. I didn't know what I wanted to see happen. He eventually said I should go probably because he wanted to catch a movie with his friends, so i left. i definitely cried for like 10 seconds before collecting myself and driving to Christina's new apartment, met her dog, hung out with her and Sean for a bit. Then i txt'd jim after he got out of the movies, and he came to homewood. we sat outside coldstones for like 3 hours just talking. it was a really nice night and the people that walked by were really funny. for some reason i really enjoyed just having that time to sit there. sorta reminded me of the time that he and i sat outside Allivia's at Duke during pub crawl or something. we met up at the very end of the night.
then i went back with him and slept over at his apartment. my old apartment. it was so weird being there. it was so sad looking. he had a new roommate, my old room looked so sad. it was so much prettier when i lived there. didn't meet his roommate all weekend. we spent the entire weekend doing what we'd do if we were together, the same things. walking around baltimore. breakfast at blue moon. or rather it was lunch, late lunch. then ice cream by the harbour. then walked back, watched grey's anatomy, then slept for like 12 hours, then sunday farmer's market, had more eggs and coffee and a bergers pie. i had a really good time. don't think it was the best thing to do again but i guess i acted in the moment and just enjoyed myself. no regrets.
after the farmers market, we still talked for a while. somehow the issue of family came up. mine and then his. it was overall a horrible conversation that left me in tears all around. i hate what my mom did. i also hate what his family did to me. it definitely made my palms hurt all throughout the conversation. especially the part about his family. i hate that they dont like me and they dont like our relationship, so i guess it just breaks my heart every time i think about it. i drove back to pa, packed my things, then met David K in philly for late afternoon lunch of noodles, then to the airport for flight to Germany!
Before my flight to germany, jim and I talked again. it wasn't so sad this time, we were pretty happy. then when after I arrived in my hotel and got settled in, i called him on skype again. we've been talking a lot these past couple of days. almost too much i think. i dont want to just sink into our old ways. i dont want to get back together with him! I don't want to have 3 sister in laws. and daughters for kids!!
I also don't want to be married to a non-christian. who is jewish. who celebrates Hanukkah. i don't want that life!! I can't believe how angry I am about this. I hate that I'm even considering all of this. Is it because God wants me to give this a chance? Or am I just being weak and scared? I feel like I've been talking to jim too much lately that I can't hear God's voice anymore. I can't hear and feel Him near me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me!! GOD - I'm HERE!! Please don't forsake me! Please stay close, and forgive me for my sins, for my rashness and impatience. I want to learn and do what's right. I want to have discretion and obey you!! I'm scare, please calm my fears and give me peace. I didn't do the right thing in reopening all of these different channels with him, it was too sudden. I was wrong for not taking him seriously and just using jim as an outlet to have fun, enjoy myself and enjoy the moment. i know that takes away from whatever future I would have with him. I know that in order to really have a future with anyone, I need to be patient and have self control! I need to hold off before entering in to anything and wait for your command. If I were to really listen and obey you Lord, I would've stayed away until you told me to be with him again.
And that's what I'll do, I will wait for you to tell me what to do. I will wait. And listen and learn. Lord you know my heart and you know what's best for me. It's so hard to let go of my flesh and worldly needs. It's so hard to not want to do this on my own. I will continue on and forge ahead, and be good and patient.
But I can't help how I feel.
Dear Lord, I'm going to be honest. I want it to be him. I want him to be the best for me, and grow to be the man that I marry. I want him to love and trust you like I do and more. I want him to pursue your will and want to live his life according to your plan. I want to see you through him and learn from him. Learn about how you want me to live my life. I want to have a good relationship with his family and learn to accept their imperfections. I want so much for them to accept me, and love me.
But whomever I end up with, I want to spend my life with that person pursuing your will for us. Learning to rely on you completely, and spend our lives serving you and your people. Helping others see you through us. Being a light onto the earth. But mostly, I just want to have a good family. I want a family to love one another just as you have loved us.
Lord, I know that you can show him that you exist, and how amazing your love is. And how great it is to have you in his life, and to have all of his sins forgiven. To be freed from the guilt and mistakes. to be capable of having eternal life, and being free to live in this world. To have the confidence to pursue anything in life. To be the most amazing person that he can be. To be fearless. To never be alone in life. But I know that only through Grace can this happen. That you choose for those to enter your kingdom. I just really want it to be him.
I have no idea how to make that happen. There's nothing that I can do except pray. I don't really know what to say to him. I wish he'd go to Church and meet you there. I wish he could find you. or that you'd find him. I wish you'd seek him out and show him. I wish he'd accept you.
I wish he could go to the Gallery Church, because God, I really love that church. I feel like they are such good people there, and they could really minister to him and teach him. I wish he'd do it for himself and not for me. That he would believe in you of his own free will.
Lord, everything about you is so amazing and so remarkable, and yet so complicated and seemingly contradicting sometimes. But that's what I love about you, it's that I know I can spend my entire life pursuing the truth about you and never be completely there. It helps me focus on the journey and the process of getting to know you. Struggling and learning about what's right, and then struggling to do what's right. It's such a long and tedious process sometimes, but it feels so great devoting my life to doing that.
Instead, when he picked up he just said that abruptly that yes, he'd be willing to love me unconditionally. And that he wanted to get back together. It felt like he didn't really think about it at all. It was the same tune that he had when we last talked, just a yes I think we can make this work. And then he asked me what I thought. I told him how I didn't think it'd work out, and then started lecturing him about how he should act in his next relationship. He got mad, didn't really want to hear about it, and then hung up on me. I went to bed.
Woke up the next morning and wasn't too sure what had happened last night. Said a prayer and asked for forgiveness from God. I knew it was stupid to call him rashly without knowing what I wanted, and also putting myself in a vulnerable place. Not asking God for direction and praying about it as I had done every other time that I've talked to him before. It was this first time that I called him out of impulse, a moment of weakness and knowing that God wanted me to wait till I got back to the US and in a stable mindset.
After that I let it go, didn't want to beat myself up for it, didn't want to waste my time hating him, didn't want to harp on it. I saw his email later that day. He said that he's glad we didn't get back together, we have different beliefs and he didn't really treat me well when we were together. He said he was selfish and didn't look out for my best interests...AMEN! wow I was so surprised at how well he summarized it all. I was glad that he realized what he did wrong, and it was a little sad that we had to get off the phone very angry the night before only for him to take it all back a few hours later. I guess I felt vindicated.
But then later on when I returned to the US, I started up the entire exchange all over again. On the first night that I was home, I was super jet lagged and couldn't fall asleep, so I txt him Ahh around midnight. I think I fell asleep for a few hours only to awake to my phone buzzing softly. It was 4am and he wrote back, I was surprised that he responded, asked why he was up. He said he had to go to the bathroom. Wasn't that he was lying awake at 4 in the morning pining away for me, oh well. Then I said I was jetlagged, so he called. We talked for almost 2 hours till it was time for him to go to work at the hospital. Then after that, he texted me to say he was happy we talked, and then asked if we could talk again on Friday.
He ended up texting me on Thursday and asking if we could talk, and I said sure not really sure what to expect. I've become very much one those just go and see type of person. The conversations did make me happy because it was nice to talk to him and tell him about my travels and what I'd been doing. We caught up on a lot of life in those next few days.
I was sleeping around 6PM, and his text around 9PM woke me up. We talked till I was dead tired about a lot of different things. But mainly he said he didn't want to give up on this, and that he still wanted to get back together. That he changed, and he wanted to really give this a chance, and that he really thinks we are the best for each other. That we have something special. I have to admit when I first heard it all, I was impressed at how well thought out it all was, and how much passion he had with all of it. It was exactly what I wanted...he was fighting for us, and making a case for why we should stay together. No matter how much I argued against it or how much I felt as if it was wrong for us to be together he was patient and gave really good reasons for why we should stay together. But I couldn't help how I felt and I wasn't going to deny the reality of things. We still weren't right for each other.
Friday was an incredibly early and long day for me, I woke up at 3am drove down to Maryland for our office's All Hands Meeting, presented a quick update on the Boys & Girls Club, then we won in softball. I spoke to one of my team members on the ITT Team, and then we had a bbq at Brian Johnston's house. Alex and I had coffee afterward, spoke about life and love and all that. It was a really good conversation, we're definitely getting a lot closer now and I'm getting along with him a lot better. Then I drove to Christina's. Met up with Jim beforehand to pick up my mail, awkwardly stood in the street. Had a hard time leaving once I saw him. I didn't know what I wanted to see happen. He eventually said I should go probably because he wanted to catch a movie with his friends, so i left. i definitely cried for like 10 seconds before collecting myself and driving to Christina's new apartment, met her dog, hung out with her and Sean for a bit. Then i txt'd jim after he got out of the movies, and he came to homewood. we sat outside coldstones for like 3 hours just talking. it was a really nice night and the people that walked by were really funny. for some reason i really enjoyed just having that time to sit there. sorta reminded me of the time that he and i sat outside Allivia's at Duke during pub crawl or something. we met up at the very end of the night.
then i went back with him and slept over at his apartment. my old apartment. it was so weird being there. it was so sad looking. he had a new roommate, my old room looked so sad. it was so much prettier when i lived there. didn't meet his roommate all weekend. we spent the entire weekend doing what we'd do if we were together, the same things. walking around baltimore. breakfast at blue moon. or rather it was lunch, late lunch. then ice cream by the harbour. then walked back, watched grey's anatomy, then slept for like 12 hours, then sunday farmer's market, had more eggs and coffee and a bergers pie. i had a really good time. don't think it was the best thing to do again but i guess i acted in the moment and just enjoyed myself. no regrets.
after the farmers market, we still talked for a while. somehow the issue of family came up. mine and then his. it was overall a horrible conversation that left me in tears all around. i hate what my mom did. i also hate what his family did to me. it definitely made my palms hurt all throughout the conversation. especially the part about his family. i hate that they dont like me and they dont like our relationship, so i guess it just breaks my heart every time i think about it. i drove back to pa, packed my things, then met David K in philly for late afternoon lunch of noodles, then to the airport for flight to Germany!
Before my flight to germany, jim and I talked again. it wasn't so sad this time, we were pretty happy. then when after I arrived in my hotel and got settled in, i called him on skype again. we've been talking a lot these past couple of days. almost too much i think. i dont want to just sink into our old ways. i dont want to get back together with him! I don't want to have 3 sister in laws. and daughters for kids!!
I also don't want to be married to a non-christian. who is jewish. who celebrates Hanukkah. i don't want that life!! I can't believe how angry I am about this. I hate that I'm even considering all of this. Is it because God wants me to give this a chance? Or am I just being weak and scared? I feel like I've been talking to jim too much lately that I can't hear God's voice anymore. I can't hear and feel Him near me, guiding me, teaching me, loving me!! GOD - I'm HERE!! Please don't forsake me! Please stay close, and forgive me for my sins, for my rashness and impatience. I want to learn and do what's right. I want to have discretion and obey you!! I'm scare, please calm my fears and give me peace. I didn't do the right thing in reopening all of these different channels with him, it was too sudden. I was wrong for not taking him seriously and just using jim as an outlet to have fun, enjoy myself and enjoy the moment. i know that takes away from whatever future I would have with him. I know that in order to really have a future with anyone, I need to be patient and have self control! I need to hold off before entering in to anything and wait for your command. If I were to really listen and obey you Lord, I would've stayed away until you told me to be with him again.
And that's what I'll do, I will wait for you to tell me what to do. I will wait. And listen and learn. Lord you know my heart and you know what's best for me. It's so hard to let go of my flesh and worldly needs. It's so hard to not want to do this on my own. I will continue on and forge ahead, and be good and patient.
But I can't help how I feel.
Dear Lord, I'm going to be honest. I want it to be him. I want him to be the best for me, and grow to be the man that I marry. I want him to love and trust you like I do and more. I want him to pursue your will and want to live his life according to your plan. I want to see you through him and learn from him. Learn about how you want me to live my life. I want to have a good relationship with his family and learn to accept their imperfections. I want so much for them to accept me, and love me.
But whomever I end up with, I want to spend my life with that person pursuing your will for us. Learning to rely on you completely, and spend our lives serving you and your people. Helping others see you through us. Being a light onto the earth. But mostly, I just want to have a good family. I want a family to love one another just as you have loved us.
Lord, I know that you can show him that you exist, and how amazing your love is. And how great it is to have you in his life, and to have all of his sins forgiven. To be freed from the guilt and mistakes. to be capable of having eternal life, and being free to live in this world. To have the confidence to pursue anything in life. To be the most amazing person that he can be. To be fearless. To never be alone in life. But I know that only through Grace can this happen. That you choose for those to enter your kingdom. I just really want it to be him.
I have no idea how to make that happen. There's nothing that I can do except pray. I don't really know what to say to him. I wish he'd go to Church and meet you there. I wish he could find you. or that you'd find him. I wish you'd seek him out and show him. I wish he'd accept you.
I wish he could go to the Gallery Church, because God, I really love that church. I feel like they are such good people there, and they could really minister to him and teach him. I wish he'd do it for himself and not for me. That he would believe in you of his own free will.
Lord, everything about you is so amazing and so remarkable, and yet so complicated and seemingly contradicting sometimes. But that's what I love about you, it's that I know I can spend my entire life pursuing the truth about you and never be completely there. It helps me focus on the journey and the process of getting to know you. Struggling and learning about what's right, and then struggling to do what's right. It's such a long and tedious process sometimes, but it feels so great devoting my life to doing that.
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