How awesome was last night?! wow, I'm so impressed at how incredible God is, He allowed us to have an open conversation and for you to be open to everything that I said. I think I did back flips in mind last night before bed.
6/1
You wrote me about leaving the Preston last night. It's not fair that you get to talk to me about leaving that place. I never got that, being able to tell you how tough it was literally and emotionally for me to move out of that apartment. Obviously, neither of us ever lived with a significant other, so it was a significant thing for us. But I think emotionally, because we are at a better place now than 2 1/2 months ago when I moved out. It's a lot easier for you. I guess physically, it was was easier for me because I had my parents to help me, you did a lot of the prep work, and I left most of my furniture in the apartment.
But still, it's really not fair that you get to say that you really liked living there, and get to leave it on good terms. I guess life isn't fair that way. Then again, after we broke up you were stuck living there for a couple months haunted by what it once was and what it meant to us. That probably sucked more than just leaving in a day. Who's to say what's fair and what's not.
6/3
so you showed up in my dream last night.
i think we were living near each other somewhere with our parents. And I think you were sick or was injured or something, so I was calling you to make sure that you were OK. for some reason I was calling you over skype, and you just kept ignoring my calls. and then it turned out you were with your parents at my neighborhood pool. I think your mom called my mom to invite us to come to the pool. and then i was really annoyed that you weren't talking to me. I told my parents that I didn't want to go.
Isn't that a weird dream?
I don't know what that's suppose to mean.
thanks for being good about making me get off the phone last night. i'm glad one of us is learning to have self-control. i think i'm going waiver back and forth for a while. i dont know when that'll go away.
6/1
You wrote me about leaving the Preston last night. It's not fair that you get to talk to me about leaving that place. I never got that, being able to tell you how tough it was literally and emotionally for me to move out of that apartment. Obviously, neither of us ever lived with a significant other, so it was a significant thing for us. But I think emotionally, because we are at a better place now than 2 1/2 months ago when I moved out. It's a lot easier for you. I guess physically, it was was easier for me because I had my parents to help me, you did a lot of the prep work, and I left most of my furniture in the apartment.
But still, it's really not fair that you get to say that you really liked living there, and get to leave it on good terms. I guess life isn't fair that way. Then again, after we broke up you were stuck living there for a couple months haunted by what it once was and what it meant to us. That probably sucked more than just leaving in a day. Who's to say what's fair and what's not.
6/3
so you showed up in my dream last night.
i think we were living near each other somewhere with our parents. And I think you were sick or was injured or something, so I was calling you to make sure that you were OK. for some reason I was calling you over skype, and you just kept ignoring my calls. and then it turned out you were with your parents at my neighborhood pool. I think your mom called my mom to invite us to come to the pool. and then i was really annoyed that you weren't talking to me. I told my parents that I didn't want to go.
Isn't that a weird dream?
I don't know what that's suppose to mean.
thanks for being good about making me get off the phone last night. i'm glad one of us is learning to have self-control. i think i'm going waiver back and forth for a while. i dont know when that'll go away.
june 14, 2010
i guess it's been a while since I last wrote so that has to mean one thing, things have been pretty good up until today. last night we had a pretty long conversation. it was definitely humbling, and tough. I'm not entirely sure what God wanted us to learn from it, but I think He did want us to learn something.
For me, I think God showed me how fallible I am. It's confusing and I'm nervous about what could happen, but I am going to trust in God to bring out the best of this situation. It's not optimism, it's merely faith that could lead to an optimistic outlook. But mostly, it's just letting go and knowing that God's will will prevail.
everything has been breaking on me today. My computer powercord stopped working for 3 hours this morning, it just kept losing connection and my computer wouldn't charge. Then one of the handles on my glasses broke, out of nowhere. I barely even touched it. Then my computer had the blue screen of death - no idea what that's suppose to mean. So now I'm just waiting to see what happens next. I'm wearing my really old pair of contacts it's probably going to infect my eyes soon.
even though I got less than 3 hours of sleep, I'm wide awake and not tired. just apprehensive. what ever happens from this, I won't be angry. I think I royally screwed up this time. I'm incredibly stupid. This experience definitely makes me feel immature and stupid. I also feel like I didn't live up to everything that I preached or that I wanted to be with you. I was so busy pushing you to be a better person, find God, become a Christian, etc..I let myself just slip up.
i'm not going to make any conclusions about what I did, and how wrong it was from a scale of 1-10. i don't really know quite yet. It does feel like a wake up call from God saying stop screwing around and take this more seriously. either commit to it or don't but being in limbo and trying to make this into some stupid game of cat and mouse is stupid.
i think one thing i've come to realize from this is that i am really weak and sometimes I inherently need approval or attention from people that I love. In this case, i think it was like I wanted to do something to make you angry but also so that you'd tell me not to do it. it's like i wanted you to put restrictions on me and tell me what's right or wrong. i guess i should be looking to God to tell me those things and not you.
6/15
Phew. I guess the giant knot in my stomach finally went away today. I literally ran downstairs to check my email on my phone this morning. but then when there was nothing from you, I was disappointed. You were still angry. I logged on to skype to see if there's anything from there, and yes! you sent me a note saying that you loved me, and that you didn't want to be with anyone else. Relief wouldn't begin to cover the way I felt. I think my heart just swelled up from the inside, and I was able to eat my breakfast without feeling like I was going to throw up. God, I love you so much!! Well, I mean I love God too. But I really love you Jim, I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me forever. I'm afraid of telling you because 1) i'm afraid that if I admit that i love you so much it'll somehow go away again, and you'll stop loving me and 2) i don't want you thinking that i'm only loving you because i made you angry and now that I got you back I'm going to say that I love you to make it all better.
I really want God to bless our relationship. I really want God to be at the center of our relationship and for us to live the life that He intended us to have. I want us to grow together and learn from one another. I don't think that I'm any better than you, and God has definitely shown me that through this recent experience. I think it's definitely humbling. Like I said last night, I think I need someone in my life to point me towards God. Sometimes I have a really hard time seeing what's the best for me, and what's right. I know that I need to be married to someone that is always looking for God's heart too.
6/15
Phew. I guess the giant knot in my stomach finally went away today. I literally ran downstairs to check my email on my phone this morning. but then when there was nothing from you, I was disappointed. You were still angry. I logged on to skype to see if there's anything from there, and yes! you sent me a note saying that you loved me, and that you didn't want to be with anyone else. Relief wouldn't begin to cover the way I felt. I think my heart just swelled up from the inside, and I was able to eat my breakfast without feeling like I was going to throw up. God, I love you so much!! Well, I mean I love God too. But I really love you Jim, I wish I could just run into your arms and have you hold me forever. I'm afraid of telling you because 1) i'm afraid that if I admit that i love you so much it'll somehow go away again, and you'll stop loving me and 2) i don't want you thinking that i'm only loving you because i made you angry and now that I got you back I'm going to say that I love you to make it all better.
I really want God to bless our relationship. I really want God to be at the center of our relationship and for us to live the life that He intended us to have. I want us to grow together and learn from one another. I don't think that I'm any better than you, and God has definitely shown me that through this recent experience. I think it's definitely humbling. Like I said last night, I think I need someone in my life to point me towards God. Sometimes I have a really hard time seeing what's the best for me, and what's right. I know that I need to be married to someone that is always looking for God's heart too.
I know that sometimes I look to you to tell me what's right or wrong. And it was really stupid of me to think that I can do something just because you did it. It wasn't a rash thing what I did on Saturday, I wasn't drunk, I didn't rush into it, and I thought about it beforehand.
Initially, when the guy made a move on me, my gut reaction was to reject him and say no immediately. I didn't want to kiss him and I had interest in hooking up with someone that I barely knew. I stopped talking to him, walked away, and went back to my friends. But then afterwards, I thought about it and a few things made me change my mind: 1) like I said, it was under the influence of Elizabeth and other girls saying how great Turkish men are, and also Dan saying that I'm in turkey, I should experience the culture and the people; they were encouraging me to see where it goes..that was REALLY stupid and wrong of me to think that it was OK b/c all my friends were saying that it was 2) I remembered you kissing someone else when we were broken up, and I thought that technically we were still broken up. i guess it was me wanting to even things up. 3) I also remembered asking you about what you'd do if I hooked up with someone, and you had said that you'd deal with it. I remember asking you what would happen if I hooked up with Carson and you said you'd get over it. I hated that. I hated that you'd let someone else have me, or that you'd be ok with me messing around with someone else.
Because you said it I thought that I was entitled to it; I thought why should I hold myself to such a high standard if you won't? Why would I need to be so "good" if you didn't really need me to be so good. I guess the heart of the situation is that I lowered my values to try to meet your standards. I think when you said it, I'm sure you didn't mean it, and I knew that you didn't and wouldn't want me to do anything like that. But a part of me was deeply hurt and affected by you letting me do something like that. I looked to you to define some of my values, especially when it comes to relationship standards and values. i think because you said you'd be OK with me hooking up with someone, you expected me to be OK with it too in the future. I knew that I wouldn't be OK with it at all, but I wanted to be on the same playing field as you so that I wouldn't get hurt if you did something like that.
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