I can't stop crying. the last few days at work, every two or three hours, i had to get up to go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. even if it was just a few seconds. eventually the bathroom became this incubator-like place for me. It was somehow a little bit warmer than the rest of the building, and there were double doors that made me feel like i was passing through to another world. a place where i can be safe to cry on my own. it also happens that there's only 1 other woman i know in this entire building and she isn't here this week, so i'm certain that no one i know will find me soppy-eyed and pathetic looking. for those mere seconds. it soon became comforting and enough to just walk into the bathroom when i thought i was about to cry, and things would just settle. i rarely let myself cry for more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time.
but then today at the airport on the way to paris, when i was still in Hanover I just broke down completely. it was like I was trying really hard to contain it all for so long, and i finally found a good quiet place away from all society to let it all out. it felt like throwing up, and so i made sure to scour a good place to do it. to do it alone.
the tears just came rushing out uncontrollably. the loud angry kind of crying with snot and everything dripping. i could sort of make out the image of myself in the reflection from the building across the street, and somehow i looked old. older.
i sat there still in tears and had this sudden urge to write a letter to jim's mom. i wanted to explain everything. i thought that maybe she'd be able to relate and somehow sympathize with me enough to make everything better. i wanted to be vindicated. to perhaps convince her to be on my side and encourage jim. i knew i'd never send it to her even though i wrote two pages or more. i don't know what the point of it was, but i suppose it was cathartic. i linked the whole experience with peter and how i didn't really assess what i did and how i felt when i was in a relationship. i ended up making similar mistakes. i wasn't ready.
but then today when i got to the hotel, the sense of pain and loneliness hit harder than it's been. probably because im in a new place, new environment. i tried to numb the pain by doing something stupid. i watched porn on my computer and thought maybe that would entertain me. that was the worst idea ever. it just left me feeling more muted and sad. what sad lives those people must lead to have to resort to a career like that. it made me feel shameful that i'm trying to destroy whatever sense of pride and honor that i might have left. i'm basically trying to ruin myself so i dont feel so guilty about everything that i've done with jim by doing something else bad so i can feel guilty about that. it's not helping. i want to call him and cry and ask for forgiveness and a second chance. i want him back. and i want to work at it. but i know that i dont deserve a second chance. its almost 1am here. i can't fall asleep. i wonder if all these things i'm writing will ever mean anything. The thought of maybe one day sharing it with my kids was kind of comforting, helping them learn what type of mistakes not to make. the thought that maybe these kids might also be his did cross my mind, but then was quickly erased.
i deleted all the other letters that i wrote him during our time apart. back in april-may i'd write him every so often when i was sad or lonely. none of those were ever sent. i didn't think he deserved to hear my honesty or my thoughts anymore. especially because my honest thoughts changed just about every other day. reading through them, there was no consistency, some days it was your not going to get me back! and other days it was i miss you terribly --i wish that you would change -- that you'd be willing to become the person that i want you to be. well he did change. and look what little good that did. im being really hard on myself this time around. i didn't feel this burden and guilt last time we broke up food good because it felt like I didn't do anything wrong. it sucks that when people break up, the last thing that happens is usually the most vivid and impacting one. because i made the last mistake, i want to take on all the blame and say i caused the entire downfall. while he was offering me everything that i could possibly ever want or need. i need to be holistic. i didn't cause the downfall of anything.
i was never really committed or ready to get back together with him. had i wanted to re-commit to a relationship, I would've taken precautions to set boundaries and try to make up for all the mistakes i made before. i would've prayed for us to start over with a clean slate. I would've made every effort to let go of the past and stop with the blame game. I would've embraced the opportunity to mend the relationship between me and his family. I would've done so many things differently...
i was stupid for leading him on for that long thinking that i could just be ready in a matter of weeks. i didn't know what it would take, or what i wanted at that point. i asked time, but i need space too. apparently more space the entire atlantic ocean. oh skype, how you bridge gaps that seemed nearly impossible to bridge. And i think he just cared more about getting back together than what he actually wanted from me. i think the truth is, he did just want another chance to clean his slate and his conscience so that he knew he gave it his best effort. dumped it on me, and now im stuck feeling like i should have put in more effort. whoopdeedoo. that's really helpful. i'm angry now. but i'm sure in a few minutes, i'll feel ok, i'll feel better. brighter. then pain again. then darkness. it's just going to continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. i need to let go and slowly digest. i'm trying to digest too quickly. it's going to take time. be patient with yourself. love yourself, take care of yourself this weekend. it's been a rough week. be good to yourself just like you would treat your best friend. learn to be good and caring starting with yourself now. then we'll get to the part about being someone else's best friend, girlfriend, soulmate, all that jazz, later. start with yourself. it's ok. you lost someone (again) this week. you are allowed to be sad. everyone is sad when they lose someone. breathe. pray. fast. love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment