omg, i think i really screwed up. it hurts but somehow it hurts a lot more than it should. i can't stop thinking about it. i think it's a good thing to think, but i'm having trouble letting go. i know i shouldn't feel this way, but I'm going to say exactly how i feel right now. and write out what i would tell jim if we could talk.
all i'm thinking about it how this feeling, this gut wrenching feeling would not be here if i didn't love him so much. but then i step back and i don't understand how i could've treated him so badly and had been so incapable of being a good person when i was with him. is it just because i lost something and i want it back? omg, this feeling is absolutely inconsolable. i regret so many things. i wish i could change so many things. this is NOT how i felt last time when we broke up. i was left feeling happy, relieved, satisfied with the effort, ready to move on. but now i'm left feeling like i want to be with him. maybe not right now, but i want to pray for him. and pray for us and a future together. i want God to change me to a person that fits him perfectly. maybe it's because i feel like what jim wanted in a relationship was what i wanted to be! he wanted me to be independent, strong-minded, capable, loving, passionate, all of those things!! he wanted what i am when we're not together. why is that such a cruel joke??
God, I know that You're supposed to be my best friend and I'm suppose to worship you and look to you for direction and guidance. I should've spent more time and effort invested in the relationship, praying for it, asking for patience and wisdom. Instead of being impatient, petulant, and absolutely obnoxious. What really happened on Sunday, Lord - you know what really happened. It's embarrassing and shameful. I saw jim's text, was happy that he thought of me and text me, instantly wanted to talk to him so i text back. not realizing what time it was there. later lying about it. then i walked around cologne aimlessly thinking about him. then i went and had a drink, ate breakfast, the drink contained more alcohol than i cared to admit. i went back to starbucks and decided that instead of going to the Modern Art museum (museum ludwig) with my senior manager, that I'd sit aimlessly in starbucks and wait for jim to wake up. i basically chose to be a waste of life and a total embarrassment to myself over doing something that i really love which is going to modern art museums!! now that i'm replaying it in my mind, i knew that there was a split second decision when i sat back realized that i was red from the alcohol, got lazy didn't want to have to walk outside in the heat to the museum and risk seeing my manager with a bright red face. i chose to sit in starbucks and just stew. waste my life away. im glad that God punished me for that! serves me right for wasting my life away like that.
all i could think was that i wanted to talk to him. didn't bother that he was probably exhausted, sleeping, and had to get up really early. somehow i thought that if i was stuck somewhere like the airport or crashing on someone's floor, i'd probably want to talk to jim in the middle of the night. why? because im crazy and irresponsible, dependent and needy, and if i had the chance to talk to him in the middle of the night, i'd do it. ugh that's despicable. i know. i later lied about going to the museum because i didn't want to tell my sr manager that i was on the phone with my pseudo bf the whole time. i then justified to jim the annoyance and calling to the fact that i was worried about him. i wasn't worried, i was just pissed. pissed that he wouldn't tell me what was going on, actually, pissed that he wouldn't pick up the phone to talk to me at 3am. then pissed that he wouldn't text me in more detail, then pissed that it took him so long to get through security. this entire time, i'm drunk beyond repair, barely able to even sit up straight on the couch of the second floor starbucks across from the bar where everyone is watching germany play england. i'm ridiculous, and deep down inside i am incredibly needy and basically a horrible person. that's probably why i feel so bad about all this. it all came crashing down because of me. i yelled at him for not seeming apologetic enough. i was furious and it made him furious. i don't even remember what my justifications were. i think i said something like if he knew me well enough he'd know to pick up the phone. he'd know how it drives me crazy. he'd think about it at 3am. he'd be willing to make a sacrifice. what was i smoking?? i can't believe i said all that. while i was drunk! i feel like i could've and have said similar things while i was completely sober, so it's not justified by any means.
it just doesn't make sense to me!! what would you call that? what is the explanation? if you call it selfish? was I selfish, sorta. I was selfish because I wanted jim to sacrifice sleep, be miserable and talk to me. i was selfish with my demands. but if i was truly selfish in the objectivism/egoism sense, then i would've gone to the museum in the first place! do what makes me really happy. this all would've never happened. the downfalls of altruism and pragmatism. it's disgusting! if i was truly egoistically selfish, i would've thought about what's the best for me in the long run. well, i really love museums and this one is a good one, and i'd be able to hangout with my senior manager get to know him, invest in the company, in my future. that's good for me. i also really love jim, he's absolutely an amazing person, one of the best people I know, no one has ever said anything bad about him. incredibly caring, thoughtful, patient, just about all the things i wish i could be and more. if i knew what was good for me, i'd pray and let God know that I'm having a moment where I really miss him, feeling needy, can't talk to him right now, but really want to let him know that i love and miss him, so instead of calling and being obnoxious about it, i should say a silent prayer and ask God to bless our relationship, and give me patience to wait till an appropriate time to tell jim what i wanted to say. done. and done. move on. all is well.
i totally deserve everything else that happened after that. but what i can't get over is that when he said a few days before that, how his family thinks i'm needy, clingy, very insecure, and gets that way when he's away, i was genuinely shocked and thought it was absurd because i'm the epitome of independence, confidence, and non-neediness! right?? WRONG. geez. God, I'm glad your showing me this. I like how you have a lot of humour in you, and I know this will all be a great story for my kids some day or maybe a book if there are no kids in the plan. But seriously, you had to teach me a lesson like this? Man it hurts. But in some respects, it's definitely starting to ware on me and I really really hope I learn this lesson well.
i wish i could ask jim to wait for me to change and get rid of all those flaws that make me into a crazy person. but i have no right to ask him. im sure he doesn't want to because he deserves better; he certainly deserves a girl that would respect, love, cherish, and support him. none of which i was actually capable of doing. i feel like such a flake! i'm angry, furious with myself. i just know that the type of person he is looking for is exactly the type of person that i want to be. i dunno what i want. i dont know what i need. mostly because i haven't ever defined what a boyfriend or husband would do for me. i want him to point me towards God and push me to love God more. that's #1. but then after that, nothing. because there's a void, i end up filling the void with ridiculous expectations. i expect him to want to make me happy all the time. i need him to do that, otherwise i flip out. i expect him to give up everything for me. i expect him to be willing to yield to my every whim. that is honestly how i acted. i tried to spin it like i want him to put me first, but in reality i acted like i wanted him to be my slave! that's exactly how i acted as a kid. i made all my friends into little slaves of mine. i forced them to make mud pies and pick berries, and then play power rangers and be putties so i could beat them all up. ugh. this is totally making sense.
i'm sorry jim. i hope one day, far far far away, you'll be able to forgive me.
i know that God has bigger and better things to worry about and planned. I know that outside of this major flaw of mine, which is to want to marginalize and control my boyfriend into being a slave and the fact that i am incredibly needy, impatient, selfish, immature, and utterly a crappy person, there were even bigger things at play here. i was too consumed by the relationship to grow while i was with him. God knew that. God cares about me and wants me to grow. I grew a lot when I wasn't with Jim. because i was challenged. i was forced to be independent and capable. i step up to the plate in these situations. and it felt so damn good. im not naturally that way when i'm with people who love me. i suck up all that goodness until they dont have anything else to give.
alright, enough of this self deprecation it's kinda gross. i'm not that bad. i have self-esteem and confidence, enough to carry me through this. i just really want to emphasize my part in all of this. i want to learn this lesson so i dont make the same mistakes. i want to avoid this pothole altogether next time.
i still want it to be him. i can't help it. i still want God to create a miracle. i want God to show me how to change and become a better person. but in order to trust in God, I have to actually trust in God and let go! I have to relinquish any of my personal needs and wants right now to trust in God who knows the best for me. Please God, be with me. Somehow, make me a patient person. I will wait. I will wait until you tell me what you want me to do. I trust that God has the ability to change hearts and give people the gift of forgiveness. I know that God can bring us back together in the future if He wants to and if that is in the plan. But it is very tough for me to know what's in God's plan right now. He'll show me when it's time. But I just hope I don't miss it because I'm too loud in all of this shouting and crying. I hope that I will hear Him when He reveals the plan for me, and then I'd know. Nothing is ever too late, some things are just too early. i know i'm nothing without God, and i hope that He will remain in me forever and always to guide me through life. i hope that one day i'll be in a good relationship, and married, and with kids, gradually one step at a time, and through all of it i will be a strong and faithful person. a follower of Christ. maybe my calling is in writing Christian books. encouraging youth to pursue healthy relationships and healthy Christian lives. I'd have to learn these lessons first though.
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