July 8 Hanover

It hasn't been that long since my last entry. But I'm dying. There's something incredibly sucky about Thursdays for me. Especially in the field of consulting, Thursdays are the equivalent of Fridays in regular people's lives, but it usually has more significance. Because on Thursdays, consultants get to leave work early, catch a ride to the airport and fly home to their families! Or friends, and see loved ones, pets, look forward to sleeping in their beds, something familiar and comfortable. It is also the day that basically transitions from work away from life back into regular life. It is the afternoon/evening at the airport where consultants think about how they want to spend their weekends, what types of "normal" responsibilities they may have; it's when mundane tasks like cooking, laundry, mowing the lawn, and making the bed now come into the picture. But to me, all of those things sound so distant and unattainable. I miss having a home to return to on Thursdays. I wish I could look forward to a familiar bed with my pillows. Scratch the chin of my cat, find familiar things just the way I left them, recognize smells, raid the pantry for my favorite snacks, cook up a storm, bake goodies for the week, all of that. I miss having someone to go home to. Someone to share my week of stories and tell my secrets. Someone to lay in bed with and just relax because I deserve to relax after a hard long week.

I know it's been a while since I even paid for rent. I haven't had an apartment to myself since I moved out of the Preston back in mid-March. After that I was just literally living from one weekend to the next on people's couches, friends' beds, hotel rooms, my parents' place, other people's parents place...but I guess that was different because I wasn't traveling as much. I had the familiarity of DC to remind me of what "home" was. I felt at home and comfortable in that city. I had friends to keep my company and feel close to.

Now, Thursdays are just a day when all my clients get to go home to their families, and I'm stuck in some suburb of Hanover, Germany. Actually, let me be honest here. Since I've been staffed here in Germany, I've actually only spent the first weekend here in Hanover. All the rest I was traveling all over Europe: Amsterdam, Istanbul, Hamburg, Cologne, Paris, and now. I guess it's just not having any plans that's making me antsy. But even last week when I was at the airport getting ready to go to Paris, one of my favorite cities - if not the favorite city of mine, I still felt incredibly sad and lonely. I guess flying home to someone that you love will always be better than flying to Paris any day of the year.

Last week, I couldn't help but let the thought of having jim there instead of alexa cross my mind. I thought what if we had held out and not fought and i had flown him across the Atlantic to see me in Paris? Would things have been OK? Would I have had a good time with him? I let myself picture it every so often during my weekend, and every time the answer was no. I knew that had it been jim there, stakes would have been higher I would've wanted us to be super happy super cute super everything. a lot more pressure, a lot more expectations, and a lot of disappointment. I wouldn't have been so easy going, so appreciative of all the small things. i would've panicked when the smallest thing was off, or if i wasn't happy or if he wasn't happy, i'd flip out. i'd constantly be catering to him to make sure that he was having a good time, feeling ok in the heat, liking what we ate, what we saw, what we do...all of it. and all at the same time, i'd want him to be nice to me, and care for me, and love me and basically let me eat his soul. i just lost it. i lost my ability to be me with him. somewhere along the way, i lost it and there's no going back.