7/1 - 7/3 Paris - after paris after just reading eat pray love

alexa and i spent the weekend in Paris and it did heal me to a certain extent. she was God-sent. she brought me a book: Eat, Pray, Love. the writing reminds me of me, but the author is a lot more jaded, messed up, and talented. i literally sat on the plane from paris to hanover smiling, laughing and crying the whole way as i read the book. it's so heart wrenching but healing at the same time.

i know that jim isn't the right person for me, and i know i have no right to ask that he becomes my friend again. i say that he was my best friend, but i think in reality he was my drug dealer. i knew that we shared moments of intense happiness and passion. complete trust and vulnerability, moments when time stood still and all was at peace. we were both completely consumed and satisfied by our love (or lust) for each other. it was a high that sent dopamine signals in my brain like crazy. those moments happen to be sex related. but also, times when i was completely settled happy and not worrying about everything else in my life. just capable of pushing away all my fears, worries, and insecurities and just dive into him. i literally wanted to nose dive into him and eat his soul at the same time. but it certainly made me incredibly happy to have those moments. the feedback loop told me that i needed to get back to that place whenever possible. the negative and positive reinforcements were everywhere. every time he complimented me, or said i love you, or said he missed me, needed me, wanted me, my brain went into autodrive and said go! find that happy place, look for the drug. get to that perfect high. but then some days he'd withhold it from me. or i wasn't able to talk to him, or i'd miss him. because of whatever reasons, all perfectly acceptable and reasonable, he'd withhold or was unable to find that moment of perfection with me. I'd also kick into autodrive - change the situation, get him on the phone, text him, IM him...find him!!

hello, my name is tina. i was an addict. or i guess i still am. given the opportunity to see the drug, i'd probably still react in a similar manner. addicted to the way he feels about me. addicted to the way he wanted me. addicted to his words, mannerisms, stories, but mostly just how he loved me. it's absolutely sickening. every time I was sad, lonely, bored, drunk, tired, , i went searching for my next high. I wanted to be satisfied by his praises, his attention, his love. i'd do anything for it. i'd make sacrifices, move closer to be with him, more easily accessible if he has to come back to me at some point, fly him to europe, fly back to the states, pay absurd amounts for a phone bill, walk outside in the rain to get wifi, sit in a shaddy area of town to get wifi, whatever it takes. i'd talk to him and get my high.

now i am going through withdrawal. the signs are pretty clear. uncontrollable urges, the shaking, the crying, uneasiness, irrationality, irritability. i get into a loop whenever i'm in a dark place, and the thought of wanting to do everything possible to fix things. wanting to make it ok and feel somewhat ok again. i can accept a dose of the bad stuff if there is a prospect of the good stuff in stored. i can deal with more crying nights, sadness, fights, yelling, if only i could hear his voice because it would mean that the possibility of achieving that moment of perfection and extreme happiness is still intact. i just want the stuff!

note to reader: despite my long lengthy rant of addiction and drug use, i have never actually smoked anything in my life, not even a hooka. and i've never touched drugs or abused any type of substances. i am the biggest light weight, so i do get drunk easily. but i am nowhere near an alcoholic. so how do i know that this is an addiction? because of all the signs and similar reactions.

and let me clarify, this perfection that i describe is the wrong word. i know there's nothing perfect about it. most of the time, it's just the gratification of sexual urges and feeling a sense of release. being content, tired out, but peaceful with someone you love. i remember thinking and perhaps saying at one point or another, if only i could just lay in bed all day for the rest of my life, everyday with jim, and roll in the sheets. then we'd never fight. i remember when i first said i love you. i think what i really meant was "my god, i love you for the sex that we just had. and i love you for giving me that. and i will continue to love you if you will continue to deliver."

now i just feel guilty and like a horrible person, again.

i really need grace. and forgiveness at this point. and My God! is the Lord gracious and kind. every time i confess my sins, and admit what I did, it instantly gets wiped away. like a dry erase marker. gone. forever.

i know that i wasn't being honest with myself. i wanted to just have a good time, play with my best friend, do fun things like traveling, going places, trying new things. these things are certainly more fun with a partner. and dancing. dancing is always more fun with a partner.

BUT..so i've come to rediscover. there are so many things in life that are more long lasting and significant that makes me just as happy if not more. Every time I go through a breakup, after that initial shock and devastation, I feel relieved. i can finally get over my addiction because my drug dealer died. well not died, but is absolutely inaccessible and unwilling to deal to me. i have a sigh of relief, and get back to enjoying normalcy. i get back to savoring the beautiful, colorful, amazing things in life. i eat food as if it feeds my soul. i see art and hear music and it makes my soul sing. i'm curious and hungry, but satisfied and content. i want to learn about history and art. i look at people differently, i relate to them better. i care for others and i'm empathetic. i feel the pain and joy that others feel. i live life again. the cloud disappears around me. colors are brighter. sunny days are happier. the Lords voice is loud and clear. i feel his presence surrounding me and holding me up. i have great posture. i walk with more confidence. i look so damn sexy in my cute outfits. i smile bigger and brighter. i'm brave. i'm FEARLESS. the bondage of my addiction is gone.

that's not to say i don't slip back into moments of withdrawal and loss of rationality sometimes. it happens. but every time, God pulls me back and says you can do this, you know you are meant to live a beautiful life. keep going. charge ahead. be patient, wait for me. it all makes sense to me. i love Him. He is my rock. I should learn to be addicted to God and prayer and the Bible. if i need to be addicted to something. but right now, i'm happy to be on my way to the high road of recovery.