July 11 Hanover sstruggles

I have to admit, these past couple of days have taken a huge toll on me. I feel like I've climbed through this narrow hole through meandering pipes and still have yet to see the light fully.

I think it's supposed to be some type of metaphor: my glasses broke last weekend while I was in Paris, and I was waiting on another pair from my parents this whole week. It never came. At work, I was reduced to seeing about a foot in front of me and had to hunch over my computer so much that it caused me unbearable neck and shoulder pain which was further exacerbated by the lousy excuse for pillows at the Best Western in Langenhagen. My manager and I complained endlessly this entire week because it was over 95 degrees (around 37*C) the entire week and the hotel didn't have a bit of AC. The room that I stayed in was tiny and basically a greenhouse without plants throughout the entire day.

Finally, the weekend came and I was still blind. It made things rather difficult throughout the day because walking through 95 degree heat, barely seeing what's around you and then returning to a sauna for a hotel just seemed like hell on earth. Literally.

Finally, we switched a fancier hotel in Hanover, which blasts AC till I'm frozen. It feels great. I slept till almost 10:30AM on Saturday. Then took another nap Saturday afternoon around 3PM. I was starting to think that I'm depressed. It did certainly feel that way yesterday. I barely got myself around Hanover to see a few things, have lunch, and then read a lot. I read my new found obsession book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Liz I've come to know her as. Then I read some books about German culture, then some stuff about Stuttgart, and then, I finally finished The Little Prince. That's when I hit depression mode and went to sleep in the afternoon.

Later that night, I tried to go to sleep again, but couldn't. Naturally because I had been sleeping so much. But I was achy, tired, and just wanted to sleep more. There was a "festival" going on outside with loud American music blasting outside my window. I considered moving rooms but then thought maybe a nice bubble bath would help. I tried everything to tire myself out. But my mind just kept racing. I remember feeling this way a lot during the summers a year ago, when I just couldn't sleep, I'd roll around in bed, and become antsy and miserable. But I guess I'm lucky that I'm all alone and can't exactly torment anyone else near me. I instantly felt bad when it occurred to me that this is just something that I do, I go through these phases of nervous energy, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and it's often inexplicable. But if I happen to be near someone that loves me, I'll often attribute it to them and something lacking between us. Anyway, I felt guilty. And then I felt sad. And then of course, I wanted to make amends. I wanted to somehow make up for all the wrongs that I've ever done.

I think I prayed a lot last night. I asked God to heal me, I also asked God to teach me to love and be loved. I prayed deliberately for the ability to truly love someone and be loved by someone. I asked for the ability to forgive myself and for grace. I wanted to move on, but to learn something from this experience. I wanted to trust in Him but also work on not making the same mistakes in the future. On one hand, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance, for things to be OK again, for something to be resolved. I wanted to ask jim for forgiveness for everything that I did, and I wanted us to come to some type of common understanding for why things ended the way they did, for us to end on good terms like we did last time, and for us to be on talking terms. But then I knew that it wasn't in the cards for us this time around. I knew that I needed to trust in God to know what's best, and right now it meant just letting it go. Being able to forgive myself without receiving forgiveness from jim.

Finally around 2am or so, after a long bubble bath, a room change, several more conversations with God, I fell asleep. Sometime during the night, I had a dream. In my dream, I think I was at jim's apartment or at his house somewhere. We were talking, and I think we reached an agreement to give it another chance, for us to redo all of the wrongs and make them right. He asked me to stay over, I said that I really wanted to, but the right thing to do would be for us to take it slow and for me to go home. I'd see him in a few days I'm sure. I could feel how hard it was for me to leave, and it tore me up from the inside, but in the end I left and it felt really good to leave knowing that I did the right thing.

I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up! I hated that dream. I hated the fact that there was still a part of me that wanted to get back together with him. I hated admitting that. I hated that after my extensive conversations, prayers, meditations, waiting and listening to God, I still fell victim to my weaknesses and had a dream like that. What was I supposed to do?? How am I supposed to get past this if my subconscious still really wanted to get back together with him?? Why is God letting this happen?? I just don't get it!!

I got out of bed, it was 11:40AM already. I said to myself: That's it, it's confirmed I'm depressed. Nobody sleeps this much. I took a deep breath, and something in me stirred. I am not admitting defeat! No, I don't care what happened last night or the night before, I'm moving forward. Determined.

I went and found my favorite place to sit, ordered an extra large cafe au lait and got the apple pie instead of the usual croissant. Apple pie is more of a comfort food. I'm going to treat myself extra nice today.

And then it occurred to me, what was so wrong about my dream after all? I did a really good thing in it. I left, I demonstrated the ability to have self-control and was patient. Isn't that how I wished I could've acted? God's giving me the chance to practice in my dreams! It doesn't mean that I'm destined to go back to him or that I desperately want to get back together; maybe all it meant was that I got to do a replay in my mind and it was supposed to build some confidence in me for the future. I liked that.

I have to admit I will continue to struggle with this idea of destiny and free will. I probably will struggle with it for life, and that's OK too. I read today that destiny is a relationship - of divine grace and willful self-effort. It is the act of trusting in God's will but also exerting free will. The two are undoubtedly contradictory yet magnificent.

I also had another moment of grace today, when I found something beautiful that I am currently experiencing and will one day tell my daughter. "Some day you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it...in a place of worship surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it."

I do plan to savour every bit of this grieving time. Not only because it's so heart wrenching but because I intend to train my appetite to distinguish every subtle complexity of these emotions.

Finally, one note about soulmates:

People think a soulmate is a perfect fit, but a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. They tear down your walls and smack you awake. They come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. It'd be too hard to live with a soulmate forever. They break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, and then introduce (or reacquaint) you to your maker...
That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.