Something lightish/airy

Ok, so it appears that I am quickly on my way to writing a book, can you tell? I feel like there are just too many thoughts swimming around in my head. Spinning and building on each other like electrons bouncing off of one another to produce electromagnetic energy! hahhaha..is that even the right word?? But nevertheless, I am grateful and smiling that these thoughts come and go, and I seem to have picked up some vague sense of direction and purpose through all this.

I wish I could say it's no big deal, I'm just some silly 24 year old girl who still has tons to learn about relationships, love, life, purpose, God, and whatever else that I dont know that I don't know about. Which by the way, is very much true. But as I am, I take things way too seriously sometimes that needn't be so serious and don't take other things as seriously as I should. This is all again quite vague and useless. But still comforting to say aloud. And write in a blog, I suppose.

Can I just say I'm totally overdramatizing a lot of my emotions because of this book I'm reading? Eat, pray, love. This woman in her mid-thirties, goes through a divorce and then a devastating end to a relationship, is broken and in pieces. She writes about her journey to find herself and learns how to love. I am NOT that woman, and I am NOT going to pretend that I am some broken soul who has lost her way in a midlife crisis bound to suffer through an entire year of pain and sorrow to pull herself out of a deep depression. This is stupid. Yes, I'm sad and lonely at times. Woopdeedoo, of course I'd get sad and lonely. It's because I'm in the freakin' middle of nowhere Germany with barely anyone that I know. No friends nearby, only people who speak broken English. Didn't have air conditioning for the first month and a half, and it's the middle of summer with almost 100 degree weather now. I work long hours with a team that's predominately male, married, not very attractive, not very endearing, and sometimes hard to relate to people. I didn't just lose the one true love of my life, the only person I ever loved, a person I gave myself to, and broke my heart into pieces. That's not how it happened, and I need to start focusing on the reality of the situation. I stopped loving him a while ago. That ended for good. I was more in love with the idea that someone somehow wanted to spend his life with me. It was amusing to me, I was curious, I let it carry on for way too long.

Yes, I made some mistakes. They weren't pretty. I acted in ways that I can only hope to not act with someone that I love and cherish dearly. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. But hey, you know what, people make mistakes. Some people make them twice in a row. Even many times in row. Some people are too stupid to realize that they don't know what they want even though they claim to know what they want. Some people come crawling back and begging for another chance, only to get it and then somehow change their minds. But you know what? I'm gonna let that slide. Honestly I am. Because in the end, it all really just doesn't matter.

What happened happened. Can't change the past. What other bad euphemisms and cliches can I throw into this mix? Sorry. Need to...Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a man now, and in your dream its time to do the best you can now. (Random, but great Gym Class Hero song)

I'd like to pray - hope - trust - and invest effort - into being a good person. To some day be kind, patient, not boastful, not envious, not easily angered, ever faithful, ever true, ever forgiving, and ever hopeful - when I am spending it with the person that I am meant to love forever. I'd like to be this eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, everlasting rock of support and foundation, and always capable to giving my heart and soul to that person. I can only hope and pray!! right now at least. But I do want that! I do, Lord, do you hear me?? I want to be that person. I also want a family. With kids. Lots of kids. Ok, maybe just however many kids you think I can handle God. But I'd like to be a mother some day. Yes. That's settled.

I love thinking about that. Because I'm still young, very much passionate and determined. I know that God will mold me into that if I really trust in Him. I just know it! I can't speed up the process by saying fast forward 10 years please. I can't read into my future and see who I end up with. I can't sit back, relax and just wait till that person shows up on my front door step. I don't have a front doorstep right now anyway, so that wouldn't work. I have to be willing to grow into a person that's deserving of that awesomely cool guy who will push me to love the Lord and see through my insecurities (at times, because let's be honest, I'll always have some insecurities, maybe not as many as I do now, but they'll always be there). I hope that person will be willing to stick it out till the end. Who won't give up on me so easily. But also, I really have to step up and be willing to follow through on my end as well. No more of this whining needy crap when I starting falling for someone. I read somewhere that people get that way when it's an infatuation, not love, built on a shaky foundation that lacks trust and a common mutual goal or a serious future. Hmm...that sounds about right.

I will inevitably have to train myself to see past the immediate present circumstances or whatever else that's bothering me, making me irritable, irrational, crazy and inconsolable. Learn to deal with it. And then move on. Not drag it out like a dead horse, and suck all the love, or whatever you want to call it, from the other person so that they don't even recognize you anymore. I'm sure I wouldn't recognize myself and would be utterly embarrassed if someone video taped or recorded everything I said and did in those moments.

But here's the thing. I'm going to get back that confidence like I always do. And I'm going to be that happy, independent, self-reliant, go-lucky person again real soon. And the tricky part is to not let myself assume that I'm cured. I need to NOT let myself just slip right back into my old ways, find some guy, fall in love, do happy things together, go camping, play at the beach, run around like teenagers and have no responsibilities. And God forbid, if jim changes his mind again, that boy would be him again. I know it could happen, because jim is the perfect boy/best friend for my imaginary teenage love affair. Also, because I'm not holding a grudge. I'm really terrible at holding grudges and I pride myself on forgiving others easily. Myself - not so much. But I'm really trying hard to forgive him for all of it, clean slate, no blame game, no ill-will harboured here, nothing. letting go of the bad karma between me and his family, accepting them entirely for who they are, if our pathes should cross only happy thoughts and positive acts toward them. Getting all of the smart sarcastic comments outa my system. For good. If I should see him, again, only happy thoughts and wishing him all the blessings in the world. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. soon perhaps.

I send him a prayer / a blessing every time I miss him, and surprisingly also every time I get angry/sad/upset/furious. It's the same response: Lord please bless jim and help him through this tough time, be with him and show him that You are full of Grace. help him find peace and happiness. keep him whole, keep him strong, and keep him away from me.

that's it.

Did I mention, I just really don't want to make the same mistakes again? I'd hate for history to keep repeating itself.